Day 9: I Lost It. It's Gone.

On Saturday, I began writing in this blog about a point that came up within myself as participating in competition and game play.  From Saturday until tonight, a Monday, I have been writing self-forgiveness in any time that I have to spare - several hours.  For tonight, after my son went to bed, I planned on coming to the computer and writing self-corrective statements.  This did not happen.  When my partner and I got my son pretty much settled for the night, enough so that I could divide my time between writing and getting my son to sleep, I came out to the computer, loaded the draft of my blog and found that over 3/4 of the work I had done was gone.

Gone.

Throughout the day, I shared the computer with my son and had left my Blogger window open.  Blogger autosaves any changes.  It appeared as though my son had erased my blog, unaware, and Blogger autosaved the deletions.

I lost it all. I almost cried and I wanted to cry - I cannot cry like I used to.  The sensation of crying stops within me before any tears can come out.

I wanted to give up.  I was in despair ... and I still am.  Am I really, practically able to do this blog as equal to others who are sharing their blogs?  I am at work for approximately 50 hours per week, I have a home that needs to be cleaned every day, a son that requires for me to participate with him in almost every moment, and a husband that takes what he can get from me.  How the heck am I going to walk my self-commitment to share myself within writing self-forgiveness and self-correction in a practical, equal way?

What I saw of myself within my process of writing self-forgiveness between working, being with my family, and working on my share of the housework/cooking, is that I get extremely agitated when I have stop myself from writing and move on to my other commitments and responsibilities.  For one, I do not see myself as doing my sharing as equally to others, as I've mentioned.  Another, I see that when I am within the process of writing self-forgiveness that allow myself to become completely possessed by a point as agitation, frustration, guilt, and anger with myself and I use those emotions and experiences to dig away at myself until I am completely empty of them for the moment.  My relief does not come until I am completely empty and can begin self-corrective statements.  So, within my directing myself to equalize my time between my DIP assignments, my Journey To Life blogs, work, family, and home-life, the way in which I see myself as doing self-forgiveness - a process that can take an entire day for me - and spreading it out equally over days, is not working for me in how I approach my process of cleansing myself.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust that something that I have created and/or established a connection/relationship as important, will always be here.
• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my assignments, this blog, and all other things that I claim are 'important' to me in that I have not taken proper care within awareness that if I do not take care of my responsibilities that I will lose them.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'bad' for myself and pity myself within my loss of work that cannot be recovered.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disparity and loss within and as my physical body as aching, burning in my face, lostness, sadness, slumping over, closing my eyes, opening my eyes half-way, and rubbing my face in response to myself as my mind's reaction to losing something that I have created a relationship of importance to and lost.
• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the proof of what I am told and that I have seen in myself and in others outside of myself as 'we lose everything that is important and/or special to us so best to give up that which is important and special now - we're going to lose it anyway.'
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, my ability, and that which I share with others within the process of self-forgiveness and without, as not being and/or not giving enough.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within and as my mind to see others telling me, "Oh, that's okay Carrie. You can only give what you can give.  We expect nothing more from you. We understand your situation."
• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this seeing others outside of myself as kind, empathetic beings that understand me, is a door that I keep open within and as myself as my mind, in case I am able to convince myself that what I have to give is not 'enough' and then gracefully walk out the door and escape back to my previous pattern/ritual of writing self-forgiveness when I wanted to, when I got the 'urge' or when I cornered myself.  I am aware that this pattern/ritual of writing within my self-interest is not even close to being as effective as my commitment to push myself to write and share my processing, day-by-day, point by point, as a Journey To Life blog.  And yet, I still allow myself to entertain and participate with myself as my mind within a thought that I -could- go back to the way I was doing things, if I wanted/chose to do so.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my required hours at work, my home, and the beings within my home for myself seeing myself as slowed down by my accepted, allowed, and embraced choices/decisions that have left me with the consequences that I must 'live through'.
• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am angry at myself for the choices and/or decisions that I made and/or directed myself within as my mind prior to my process of self-forgiveness and self-correction.
• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my process of self-forgiveness, the thing that I hold as more important to anyone, anything, and as myself, is here and available to me so that I may take responsibility and stop blaming everyone and everything outside of myself as being 'the reason/the problem'.  So within my process of taking on responsibility for myself, I am also avoiding responsibility within and as my commitments so that I can participate within the process of taking responsibility for myself.  I have not allowed myself to stop and see myself within this pattern where I am not 'walking the talk'.
• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can take any point that which I have created a relationship to/with as my mind, and turn it around to use against my self so that I do not equalize myself.
• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the extent of the back-doors that I have created within and as myself as my mind by creating and manipulating myself within and as 'special' relationships.

In my next blog I will look at myself within accepted and allowing myself to become possessed by a point.

When and as I see something outside of myself as being 'special' or 'important' to me, I stop.  I breath.  I realize that by accepting and allowing something/someone outside of myself to be 'more special' or 'more important' than another, that I am setting myself up to escape and/or fail in that by agreeing to the terms of a relationship, means that I can 'relate' to something/someone outside of myself and within that relating, I have 'favorites' as well as places from/on which to leave my blame and then feel bad about leaving my blame on my 'favorite'.  Within this realization of myself and the reasons why I establish/create/connect myself within relationships, I commit myself to looking at my relationships and myself within relationships as the points surface.  I commit myself to exposing my relationships and how they exist within/as/for/from myself as my mind.  When and as I see a relationship come up with inside myself as my mind as indicated by my playing 'favorites' and seeing someone or something outside of myself as special/important/different from others but LIKE ME, I stop.  I breath, I slow myself down and investigate myself within and as that which I am placing so much specialness and importance and WHY?

When and as I see that I have become lost as I have lost, I stop, I breath.  When I am here, equal to myself as myself, as my mind, and as my physical body within and as loss and see that I am required to cry to release pain, I allow myself to cry.  When and as I see myself as wanting to cry because I have allowed myself to see myself within pity from within myself as my mind, I stop.  I breath.  I realize that seeing myself as and becoming pitiful within and as myself as my mind and thus within myself as my body's reactions is myself as my mind manipulating for control over myself, my physical body, and others outside of myself so that I am able to continue within the polarity of 'feeling bad' then using others and/or my body to 'feel better'.  I commit myself to breathing as my loss as equal to all parts of myself and within that, identifying and removing the polarity points that surface when I am within myself as my mind and not within myself as equal to all of myself as myself, myself as my mind, and myself as my physical body.

When and as I see myself as relatable to/for/as others within myself as pictures, memories, thoughts, and/or scenerios within and as my mind, I stop. I breath.  I bring myself back to here and direct myself to removing the relationships that I have created/manipulated myself and others outside of myself with -  I remove these relationships by writing and speaking self-forgiveness and self-correction.  I see that these relationships are how I manipulate myself and others outside of myself to trust fantasy and illusion because it 'feels better' and safer than reality. I commit myself to stop myself from creating/manipulating/establishing within myself as my mind, new relationships and/or new relationships within participating with my mind as imagination and/or fantasy.

When and as I see myself blaming others outside of myself for my seeing myself as unable to do what must be done, I stop.  I breath.  I bring the blame back to myself.  I investigate my back-chat that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as.  I self-forgive my back-chat until I understand and am within agreement with myself as myself as equal to myself - I self-forgive until I find the source point that I did not want to see myself as responsible for.  I commit myself to stop myself when within blame and/or anger by breathing and saying self-forgiveness in/as the moment in which I become aware that I have allowed the blame and anger.

Day 8: Setting Myself Up For Failure

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself tell myself that I have to write a Journey To Life blog every day according to a calendar date and with a the 24 hour definition of time of a day.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I must make writing self-forgiveness and self-correction a priority above all other commitments that I have made within and as my life.
•  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself as myself within and as my mind that if I do not write self-forgiveness and self-correction in my Journey To Life blog everyday within a 24 hour period of time that I will fail within my commitment to myself and others outside of myself. I see that by allowing myself as my mind to establish/create/manipulate myself into a failure relationship with time, priorities, and commitments, that I am within and as myself as my mind establishing, creating, opening up a backdoor within myself as my mind to not take responsibility for myself and correct myself within what is best for all and thus escape back into myself as my mind into my self-created cycle of excuses and justifications of my self-programmed failure. 
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that if I allow a point of failure to exist within and as myself as my mind, that I allow a point from and within which I can fail and thus go into a reaction of guilt, remorse and regret that I will then counter/create/manipulate myself within and as a polarity point within myself as my mind as my ego where I will justify my failure as being what is best for myself within and as my self-interest as my being better or having more important commitments to myself having a pleasurable life, my survival system, and/or my family obligations.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within my participation within myself as my mind, to create/manipulate myself into a pattern where I see myself as 'balancing my self out' within and as my mind within relationships that I have created to/as/for/of myself as existing within/without/as myself, my life, others outside of myself, and my world reality.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself see nor realize that my acceptance, allowance, and participation within and as the system of balance that I have programmed within myself as my mind as a response to my self-created relationships of positive-negative/better-worse/right-wrong/good-bad values, is projected onto the physical world reality within which I exist, including all other beings outside of myself with whom I exist. I have not seen our shared agreement of how this reality and ourselves as self-accepted mind systems functions within and as ourselves - as all that exists here is processed and/or filtered within ourselves as our minds within our agreed value systems, thoughts, egos, feelings and emotions. I have not seen the cycle that we have created within ourselves as we direct ourselves to become balanced/okay so that we can continue on within our self-interests and not see ourselves as required/responsible for what is happening within our reality outside of ourselves. As long as I am okay and living a full, satisfying life free of the problems that I see others having - It's all good, man. 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to agree with and participate within the 'circle of life'. I have not allowed myself to see and/or be aware that the circle/endless-cycle/entrapment of life into a pre-programmed pattern is my self as life entrapped into a circle/cycle of pre-programmed patterns. The circle of life exists within reality because I accept and allow it to exist within me. I have not seen that I accept and allow circle of life and thus the entrapment of life because within this cycle/pattern I see that I am not responsible for life and this appeals to my self-interest in that if I am not able to 'change nature' because it was/is created/maintained by a force outside of myself that is greater than myself.  I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become powerless to the 'nature' of my reality and myself as a nature - a human nature - purposefully created and programmed with an expiration date.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see and become aware that 'nature' is a word that indicates pre-progamming. I have not allowed myself to see nor realize that when myself or someone/something outside of myself is seen by myself as 'natural', that I am seeing  program. I am comfortable with that which I am seeing as natural because I am comfortable within the program - my program. I am comfortable within my pre-programming because within my acceptance and allowance of my pre-programmed nature I am not responsible for the consequences of what I have accepted allowed as my pre-defined natural thoughts, actions, words and responses.

When and as I see and/or become aware of myself as creating a backdoor of failure for myself as and within my participation with/in/as my mind, I stop. I breath. I direct myself to walk myself backward from my self-appointed outcome/consequence of failure to my original thought - within my process I identify feelings, emotions, memories, pictures, words and relationships that I have created/manipulated myself with/in/as my acceptance of and my participation with/in/as/for/of myself as my mind system. I commit myself and thus move and direct myself within my patterned processes of myself as a mind, expose my systematic patterns to myself within my writing and saying self-forgiveness and then re-direct myself within and as my writing and saying self-correction as what's best for all then I live my self-correction.

Taking a closer look at priorities specifically at the relationship I have created with seeing the amount of things I have to do as 'too much' or overwhelming, I see that by allowing myself to use my value system as a means to prioritize my day by more, less or of no importance, that I am placing myself within a trap of accomplishment and failure which I allow myself to direct myself to guilt, frustration, and giving up.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself as my mind to see myself as 'accomplished' when completing a task and thus experience positive feelings of pride, relief, and elation. 
•  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my mind to see myself as a 'failure' when I do not complete a task and within that failure allow myself to experience negative emotions of guilt, remorse, and depression as a result of telling myself within myself as my mind that I'm shit, that cannot be 'counted upon', that I cannot be trusted with responsibility, that I cannot handle being a disappointment to others, and that I should say, 'fuck this, fuck you, it would be better off for everyone if I just give up'. I see that when I'm feeling good about what I'm doing, I keep doing it and when I feel bad about something I'm doing, I want out so that I do not feel shitty anymore. 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pursue and make accomplishments within what makes me happy within myself as my mind. 
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear failure because of the pain I create within myself as my body when as my mind I recall memories, thoughts and pictures from which to inject myself with emotions of guilt, remorse, rejection, and loss. I see that by allowing myself as my mind to create scenarios within myself as my mind, that I am torturing myself as myself and my body needlessly. I see that by directing myself to make my mind illusions of my myself as real by generating emotions and feelings, that I am abusing myself and myself as my physical body to fuel myself as my mind. 

Why? So I can have a place to hide? And that's not real either - who/what/where I am is not a mysterious secret. LOL. I am here, right here in front of myself in every moment, in and as everyone and everything in existence/this world as a predictable program. Within this realization of myself, there is only one solution: Stop. Stop my acceptance and allowance of myself as a predictable program by not allowing myself as my mind as my ego to make-up justifications and excuses for myself for allowing myself to separate myself from anyone or anything that does not 'make me feel good'. I commit myself to deconstructing myself as my mind point by point until it is done.

 

When and as I become frustrated, overwhelmed, tired, and/or confused as I see all that must be done, I stop. I breath.  I realize that making/living commitments and prioritizing is not something that I have allowed for myself and within that realization, I direct myself to again, stop, breath, and for a moment sit myself down, write out the priorities/commitments/things that need to be done and direct myself within an equal distribution of myself to each task.  When and as I see that my process of prioritizing is not effective nor supportive to me, I push - I do not not allow myself to create a backdoor for myself.  I direct myself to myself write out, self-forgive, and self-correct the points where I am not being effective.  Within my learning process, I allow and direct myself to hear perspectives of others from outside of me who are effective at prioritizing their commitments as others processes are supportive to myself.

When and as I am pressuring myself to write my daily Journey To Life blog as something I 'have to do', I stop, I breath and I bring myself back to my realizations of myself within setting myself up for failure.  I see that my daily Journey To Life blogs are written documentation of my Journey To Life in which I share writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correcting for each day that I have walked my commitment to myself.  Here, I do not allow a back-door or an escape through and as distractions, justifications and/or excuses.  When and as I see myself resisting writing my daily self-forgiveness and self-correction in my Journey To Life blog, I stop, I breath and push myself to write as after pushing through resistance, I have seen how my process has changed.

Day 7: The Consequence of My Appearance Values

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear gaining weight.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear writing self-forgiveness in a blog about my fear of gaining weight.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear gaining back the weight that I have lost.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing and self-forgiveness about my fear of gaining weight back that I have lost because I fear that if I do not 'hold onto' my fear of gaining weight that I will gain weight.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself to maintain a fear of gaining weight so that I would not gain weight.  I see that this is a self-forgiveness that I was required to do for myself within my responsibility to myself and did not - instead, I allowed myself to continue the abuse of myself as my physical body because I am scared.  I am scared of what others say, I am scared of what others think and I'm scared of having to spend a lot of money on 'fat clothes' or go back to having nothing to wear again because within myself as my mind and as others as reflecting back to me of myself as my physical appearance, I did not look good, no matter what I was wearing.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate the way I looked in pictures and in the mirror when I was 30-50 pounds heavier.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself, as my physical body, the nutrition that I, as my physical body requires in that I will eat very little until I am at the point of feeling 'crazy' and at that point of craziness, I will grab whatever I can eat for food that's closest and most convenient for me to feed myself with in the moment.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how others will see me again if I gain back the weight that I have lost.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by others spoken words, opinions, appraisals, and critiques of my physical body depending on the size of my physical body.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of others spoken, whispered words, opinions, critiques, ignoring me, and or 'treating me differently' as a response to the size and/or shape of my physical body.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to recall memories of myself as being teased or being told I was 'fat and need to lose weight' by others outside of myself so that I may manipulate myself into a reaction of fear of being fat.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be comfortable within and as my physical body.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that I am punishing myself as my physical body for myself separating myself from my physical body and thus not feeling comfortable within my physical body.  I punish my physical body because I am feeling guilty and regretful that I have accepted and allowed myself to put food into my physical body that I have allowed myself to define as 'junk food', 'carbohydrates', 'processed food', 'fast food', 'fatty' - because I have defined these foods as bad for me, I allow myself to become guilty when I eat these foods and then regretful after I have gained weight from the foods that I told myself I would gain weight from.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define food as 'good', 'bad', 'healthy' or 'unhealthy'.  Within these polarity relationships to food that I have created within myself as my mind, I have allowed myself to make emotional and feeling attachments to the words 'good', 'bad', 'healthy' or 'unhealthy' and thus, I have established emotional and feeling attachments to food and eating.
• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push through the resistance of writing out this point of weight-loss, weight-gain, food, eating, and/or starving myself because I do not want others outside of myself to judge me for eating habits and then correlate my eating habits to the size, shape, and weight of my human physical body.  I also fear that others will think less of me because I know nothing about what I need, as my physical body, in the form of food - within my ignorance of my body and directing myself within my self-interests and fears of rejection/ridicule, I have been chasing after foods, diets, food plans, supplements, and drugs that take away my appetite.

I have been teased, abused, criticized and looked-down upon during my life for being 'fat'.  This started when I was a young child. As far as I can remember, this taunting, cruelty, being told I was 'fat' and needed to lose weight by people I trusted, did not make sense to me when I was little.  And because of that, within myself as I process this fear of being fat, I am unable to make a connection with myself - As a child, was I supposed to tell the world that fed me then called me fat 'I'm not eating that - and I do not accept what you are saying about me'?

I'm angry. And I'm whining.

• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to take responsibility for the shape, size, and weight of my physical body.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate myself to products and other people outside of myself who all claim to 'know what I need'.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to slow down and take the time required to investigate myself as my body's response to food so that I can determine which foods are supportive for myself as my body.  I am seeing that foods that are in support of my physical body are ones that I, as my body, do not react to in physical pain such as: gas, burping, pimples, burning, throwing up, diarrhea, and becoming swollen.

Here I am directing myself to see how and what I am seeing in others outside of myself as 'fat' or 'thin' so that I am able to support myself within my self-forgiveness.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others outside of myself as fat/thin, healthy/unhealthy.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make judgements of others outside of myself and thus form relationships within myself as my mind to others depending on how I interpret how others outside of myself appear within myself as my mind.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a good/bad, right/wrong, better-off/worse-off, superior/un-superior relationship with others outside of myself - I realize that when I meet anyone that I immediately judge their appearance and place value upon that which I am seeing as 'better than' me or 'worse than' me within myself as my mind.  I see that I give more value to those that I interpret as 'attractive' and less value to those that I see as 'unattractive'.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as either better or worse than others outside of myself and thus establish a relationship within myself as my mind to others outside of myself as myself being better or worse than others outside of myself.  I see that when I am better, I experience a feeling of empowerment.  I see that when I see myself as worse, I experience an emotion of insecurity.  What I have not accepted nor allowed myself to see is that when I am allowing myself to experience insecurity or empowerment that this is a consequence of my acceptance and allowance of my participating within myself as my mind and allowing myself as my mind to direct me into a value judgement - when I have established my value judgement as a thought, I then react with a feeling of empowerment or an emotion of insecurity.  Here, when I establish my relationship to another outside of myself within allowing myself to feel empowered or insecure, I will then react with an opposite emotion or feeling as a consequence of my acceptance and allowance because I did not see myself as equal and thus, seeing the consequence of not seeing myself as equal, I punish myself - I punish myself with a feelings and/or emotions in which to attempt to 'balance' the relationship that I have established with another outside of myself.  If I allow myself to become superior over another, I will counter my superiority with an emotion of guilt for allowing myself to become superior.  If I allow myself to become insecure, I will seek out a flaw that I see in another so that I can establish myself as better, some how, some way, as long as I balance it out and make it 'okay' for myself to accept myself.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to create a balance within myself as my mind after I have created a inequality within myself as my mind.  

After writing this self-forgiveness, I am grateful for and as myself.  I am seeing the consequences that I have created within, as, and for myself for not seeing myself as and/or being/becoming equal to others and my world outside of myself.  Within my realization of myself and the bullshit I have put myself and others through, I see that the direction of myself is to establish equality with myself as all that am and have become as myself as my mind, as my physical body, and my beingness in breath because this 'makes sense to me' within the principle of 'as above, so below'.

When and as I see myself begin to establish and/or place myself as not equal to others outside of myself as indicated by my reaction to others' appearances where I put value on others outside of myself as better/worse-having more/having less-superior/not-superior, I stop.  I breath.  I breath because I see that the 'problem' here is that I am allowing myself to be moved fast within the direction of myself as my mind and so the solution is breath.  I commit myself to slowing myself within and as my participation within myself as my mind in breath and from here, I direct myself to seeing the relationships of in-equality that I have created within and as myself as my mind to myself, myself as my physical body, others outside of myself, others outside of myself as their human physical body, my world, and my world as it's physical.

Also seeing that fears are stupid and when I push myself within my fears by actually sitting myself down and pushing myself to write out self-forgiveness for my fears, the fear no longer is real to me in that I see the illusion of fear that I have created within and as myself as my mind so that I am able to avoid and/or resist removing the relationships that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself, others outside of myself, and what exists in my world.  Further, I see and realize that I am not self-directing myself to face and take-on my fears in that I am using others direction as a source of compression which is myself not taking responsibility for myself when I see points within and as myself.

When and as I see myself within a moment of resistance to writing out and speaking self-forgiveness for fears that are within my awareness, I stop.  I do not allow myself to 'put off' my releasing myself from my fears for 'fear' of the consequence illusions that I have manipulated within myself as my mind.  I commit myself to removing my fears as a commitment to myself to slow myself down within breath, stop, and push myself to write out and speak self-forgiveness out-loud for my fears.  I direct myself to remove that which I have created/manipulated/defined within/as/for myself relationships as enslavement of myself within and as my mind and within that direction of clearing myself, I do not accept nor allow myself to create/manipulate/define new relationships within/as/to/for myself, others outside of myself, and my world within myself as my mind by stopping myself from this behavior pattern of relationship creation and/or definitions by slowing myself down within breath, walking myself back within the moment that allowed myself to not be a directive of myself, self-forgive myself for that which surfaces where I have not been effective in my application, and direct myself within and as practical, self-corrective statements that I can live out as what is best for all.

When and as I see myself beginning to place food with my physical body that I am aware does not support myself as my physical body, I stop.  I breath.  I see the consequences of 'living it up' as my body accumulating fat, becoming gassy, showing pimples, sweating in the middle of the night, gagging, throwing up, and having diarrhea and cramping.  I no longer accept nor allow myself to blame myself as my physical body because I am unsatisfied with my appearance and/or how my body functions/processes food. From here, I commit myself to establishing and agreement with myself as my physical body and see that within my commitment to an agreement with myself as my body, my direction, at this moment, is to consume one meat per day and outside of that, feed myself fresh fruits and vegetables when and as I become hungry.  I no longer accept nor allow myself to 'experiment' on my body with different 'diets' that I have not investigated the contents of and/or 'promise' me 'good health' and/or weight loss.  I am already aware that a small amount of meat, fresh fruits and vegetables support me and myself as my physical body - as additional support for my body surfaces as others working on supporting their own bodies with 'diet' and a specific regiment of food and/or supplements within the current system, I direct myself to observe and not participate until I see that the support is proven - by doing this, I establish a point of responsibility and trust with myself as my body within my commitment to working on an agreement with myself as my physical body.

Day 6: Myself as the Consequence of not Self-Directing

My writing is self-forgiveness as I became angry within myself as my inner-responses toward another being outside of myself today.  I was in disagreement with what I was hearing and seeing from this person because I saw the communication from this person, to myself and others, as in-conflict with my perspectives and having a damaging effect on themself and others.  I was enraged. Within myself as my mind, I played out my making this person aware of the consequences of their words and actions.

What I did not see nor realize until later is that this person was not showing me their consequence, they were showing me a consequence that I am equally responsible for accepting, allowing, and supporting.  Here, I bring this back to myself.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept what I am taught and what I teach about 'Leadership' within the current systems of survival and money.
• I forgive myself that I have not accepted nor allowed myself to see the current manifestation of 'Leadership', as it is existing, for real, as a tool of manipulation that can and is used to ensure that my self-interests are satisfied and that my fears for survival are soothed and/or suppressed via separation, competition, superiority, and war.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see the consequences of my acceptance and allowance of the current system of Leadership.  I have not seen how I am directly responsible for creating war within this world.  I have not stopped to take a look at how I have directed myself within the pursuit money and my own personal happiness.  I do not allow myself to look at myself honestly so that I am able to see how I am 100% responsible for those that deceive, manipulate, compete with, weaponize, and remove beings who I see and label as a 'problem'.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pass my information, my knowledge, and my process of deceit, manipulation, competition, weaponization, war, winning, separation, and immobilization to those outside of myself who have or will become leaders without the understanding of how to direct themselves and thus do not understand how to direct others.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to earn money from and thus prey on others lack of self-awareness and lack of self-direction.
• I  forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself and others that is 'okay' to use others emotions and feelings as a weapon against them - as long as I/we win.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify within myself my messed-up behavioral pattern in which I direct myself to seek out what I see within others as weakness, reaction triggers, and points of interests so that I may use those points to control individuals outside of myself within my own self-interest.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others as weaker than myself.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to realize that by seeing others as weaker than myself, I am in fact, accepting that weakness exists and not being honest within communication with myself and others that I allow weakness to exist within me.  I seek out the weaknesses in others before they seek out the weaknesses in me so that I may use their weaknesses against others before they use my weakness against me.  I am protecting myself from others.  I am protecting myself from my self that I have projected on others.  I live in fear of others because I fear that which exists within myself.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do whatever takes to control others outside of myself because I am afraid of their potential to harm me and/or damage my ability to survive.  I will damage your ability to survive by using the corporate, legal, and money systems and/or policies against you.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to have a clear and thorough understanding of what Feelings and Emotions are so that I can educate others to better understand how Feelings and Emotions function within ourselves as our minds.  I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to be aware that Feelings and Emotions exist within my mind as my reactions to thoughts, memories, and pictures.  Feelings are positive and Emotions are negative - they are polarity points that I allow to create energy from which I can experience my thoughts, memories, and pictures as being 'real' within myself as my mind where nothing is real.  What is real is what is here, within my physical world.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself and others to 'not react' but within the next moments, tell them to make others react by 'pushing their buttons'.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to give others outside of myself the same consideration that I direct myself to give myself.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my awareness of humans and how we function against us.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take my awareness of how we humans function and apply that to the learning process where I have directed myself to teach on conscious, subconscious, and unconscious levels where the brainwashing of the human being is effective.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to teach just enough truth so that the human allows for the deception to follow.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not research myself thoroughly as myself within the system.  If I had researched myself and had a clear understanding of myself and my responsibility to others outside of myself, I would not communicate my theories, beliefs, and/or interpretations that I have related to specific knowledge.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry with myself in regards to what I say and what I do that are not in the best interest of everyone and everything.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself and others outside of myself for having to see, live within, and come face-to-face with our consequences for what we've accepted and allowed within ourselves as our fears and self-interests.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to realize, understand, and be clear within myself my walls that I've built up around myself to protect myself from seeing and hearing what is painful for me to hear and see.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself to push myself to break down others walls that I see as a protection for themselves so they do not see and hear.  How can I make others see and hear if I am not seeing and hearing myself?

When and as I see how 'Leadership' functions within the system as it exists, I do not allow myself to become angry and/or compromise myself within and as back-chat. I stop and I breath until I am clear.  How Leadership is existing is how I have accepted and allowed it to exist.  I allow myself to expose the Leadership System to myself and direct myself to document what I am seeing within this exposure.  When and as I am satisfied within my understanding of the Leadership System as it currently exists, I commit myself to directing myself within the process of re-defining Leadership and sharing a solution that considers all life.

When and as I see myself as blaming others outside of myself as the cause for the reason that the current Leadership System exists, I stop. I breath.  I bring myself back to myself as equal and one with and as the Leadership System and see where, how, and why it exists within me and as me.  I direct myself to do the same with all blame - When and as I see myself blaming others outside of myself as the cause for any of the systems that exists here, I stop. I breath.  I bring the system back to myself as equal and one with myself as the system.  By bringing the system back to myself as myself communicating to myself about myself, I expose both the how the system functions and how I function, to myself.

When and as I am participating in an event in my life that is required by my survival system, I do not place myself within a verbal and/or spoken disagreement with the event.  I stop. I breath.  I listen, I observe, I remain present and I do not allow back-chat as a distraction from what I am resisting as the event.  I direct myself to be IN this system, not OF this system.

Day 5: Re-Walking My Relationship With Time

Time.  I have issues with time.  I have done self-forgiveness on time in the past and I see, almost a year later, that my application was not effective.  I still fight with time - I see it as both my friend and my enemy.  Time is my friend when it's moving slowly and I am able to complete the tasks I set out for myself within a day.  Time is my enemy when my day is flying by and I see that the things that I have set for myself to do are not getting done.  When time is going fast in my world, I only get one or two tasks done.  I've also noticed that time speeds up when I am writing and self-forgiving - I use hours of my time in a day within this process - I have come to enjoy writing and I push myself to not miss points that come up when I am writing my self-forgiveness.  It takes time.  And when I'm self-forgiving and the points are coming at me fast, I'm afraid that I am going to miss the points or forget them completely as I'm working on a current point.  I don't want to miss anything because I do not want to have to go back to a point.

So what has happened here within my fear that I am going to miss points and my fear that I will have to go back to points that I've missed?  I have, in fact, missed points within my application of my self-forgiveness and writing on time and I am, in fact, here to re-walk myself within my relationship with time.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have 'issues' with time.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not been effective within my previous application within and as the point of time.  I see that my process may have not been as structured as it now because before I started the Desteni 'I' Process, I did not allow myself to have any structure within my studies, writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to 'put-off' and procrastinate within my process of understanding time, my relationship with time, and myself within time.  I procrastinate and ignore myself within and as time and tell myself that I will 'deal with it later' because I'm seeing the point of time as greater than myself.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see time as greater than myself because it was here before I was born into this current life and within my current body.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that I fear and/or see myself as less than what was here before me - I am seeing that anything that was here before me as greater than myself for the simple reason that it is older than me.  When looking at the point of time, specifically, I see what adds to the mystery of time, aside from the fact that I see it as 'ancient', is that I have no control over time.  I have not been able to master my manipulation of time within my relationship with time - I have not been able to manipulate time to my satisfaction and self-interests in the way that I have successfully manipulated myself and others within my relationships.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see time as some super-power outside of myself that controls my beingness - I see that I have allowed time to direct and dictate when I wake up, when I shower, when I go to work, when I drop my son off, when I start work, when I end work, when I come home, when I play with my son, when I eat, when I clean, when I write, when I self-forgive, and when I do anything.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require an external time-clock outside of myself from which I have allowed to direct me through out my days, nights, and life-time.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that when I was a child, that I did not use a clock or a watch to direct me - I relied on others telling me to wake up or calling out for me when it was time to come home.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never self-direct myself - as I see it, even since I have been a child, I have always relied on something or someone outside of me to direct me from one task to another.  I realize as an adult that I continue my allowed programming of myself - I have accepted and allowed Time to become my director, my sun, my darkness, and my God.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate myself within my responsibility of directing and moving myself to time.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame time for me not getting done everything that I see I want, need, desire, or am required to get done so that I may live up to my self-defined standard of an 'effective human being'.

After walking away then walking back to my writing I see:

That I like to go fast.  I love the rush of going fast. I am addicted to it.  I see that I have been telling myself that if I go faster that I will have more time, at the end, to have more time. I see that I have created habits and addictions within myself as I have justified myself within my participation of this assumption that if I go fast, I'll get more done, that I will be perfect, and that I will have more time to fulfill that which I have defined within myself as being effective and successful in life, as a worker, a parent, a partner, and a student.

I commit myself to letting go of the habits and addictions that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I need in order to go fast, get more done, and have more time.  I commit myself to writing out my addictions and fears of releasing myself from my addictions within future writings, self-forgiveness, and corrections in this Journey to Life blog.

Now I bring myself back to where I left off within the point of time.

• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see, realize, become aware and be honest with myself that through my accepted and allowed participation of time, as I have created it to exist within myself as my mind, hour-to-hour, minute-to-minute, second-to-second, that I am existing with equal and one with time - when I'm going fast, time speeds up and when I am going slow, time creeps by.  I see that I have not allowed myself to stop, look carefully, and silently observe how I participate with time and how I have created relationships within myself as mind with time that I have projected onto myself within my physical movement in my world - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to listen nor investigate myself when I say while working, "When we're busy, time goes by MUCH faster.  When we're slow, time creeps along - this is killing me, I cannot stand this waiting around for something to happen, I'm SO bored."
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and be honest within myself within the point of time that when time goes by slow, I am bored, and I wish for time to speed up.  I see that this is most specific when I am at work.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see and be honest with myself within the point of time that when time goes by fast that I want it to slow down because I'm not getting anything other than one or two tasks done.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to re-direct myself back to my responsibilities and commitments when I am bored - I prefer, instead, to place a blame on something outside of myself that I have told myself controls my boredom, my direction, my movement, and my life.  I am beginning to see how I have created this pattern of blame within all of my relationships within people, places, and things outside of myself instead of directing myself back to myself, here, present, within breath, prioritizing my self-commitments, responsibilities, and time to be enjoyed with the beings in my life.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not only create time, a relationship with time, and myself within and as time but also a polarity point of love and/or hate with time from which I can experience time within myself as my mind as my feelings and emotions.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself within my own creation of and as time.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself within my own creation of time and thus trap myself within the consequence of my creation of time.  I have accepted time, allowed myself to integrate time within, as and around me, and then imprisoned myself within the layers of interpretations, assumptions, definitions, thoughts, memories, and reactions that I have made a relation to time with.  I have created my relationships with time and I have done this to myself alone.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up a fantasy within myself as my mind that I can escape time.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up fantasies within myself as my mind that I can escape consequence.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up a fantasy within myself as my mind that time is magic and thus can be controlled by someone powerful and magical - and so, within my life, I have fantasized about becoming this powerful, magical being and directed myself within transcending what I viewed as a mundane existence so that I can control that which I perceive as controlling me and having more power than me.

It's becoming more and more clear how I am equal to everything that is here. I am clear on why, when I change, it must be a change that's best for all life.  It's not just words that I'm hearing, seeing, or writing for the sake of directing myself toward a way out within my fear that I've messed up and I see no other place to go.

When and as I have reactions, resistances, back-chat, and/or see myself placing love-hate/good-bad polarity values on time, I stop.  I breath. I slow myself and walk back through my reactions, resistances, back-chat, and polarity points - I commit myself to write out and self-forgive the reactions, resistances, back-chat and polarity points as I see that this is a way that works for me in my process of exposing myself and becoming clear.

When and as I see that I am either participating with an established relationship with time or creating a new relationship with time within myself as my mind, I stop.  I breath.  I stabilize myself. I slow myself down.  When and as I see an established relationship pattern within me, I direct myself to clear myself of the relationship by writing and self-forgiving the relationship and pattern.  When and as I see that I am participating within my pattern of creating new relationships within myself as my mind, I stop it. I breath. I do not allow myself to create any more relationships within and as me - I no longer require a point of blame or escape as I take responsibility for myself within and as what I have accepted and allowed and I commit myself to staying here, in the physical world as this is where I commit myself to discover the potential and stability of myself.

When and as I see that I am speeding up time within myself as my mind, I stop.  I breath. I re-direct myself to slow myself so that I do not miss points that come up within me nor give myself a back-door from which to be moving too fast to see how I am existing, how others outside of myself are existing, what I am accepting and allowing, and how I am showing myself via physical consequence what I have accepted and allowed.  I commit myself to be present and within this, direct myself to be clear, silent, and focused within communication and observation of/with others outside of myself and my world so that I understand and integrate within and as me how we function - I do this in breath and stopping my participation within myself as my mind's distractions and self-interests in moments when I am listening and seeing what others and my world are telling me about myself/themselves.

Day 4: My Pattern of Laziness

This morning I woke up early before anyone else in my house was awake.  Within me, I saw this as a perfect opportunity to work on my Desteni 'I' Process assignment.  As I lay there, completely aware and awake, I told myself that 'it is time to get up!' and after I said this inside myself, I felt that I did not want to move my body - my body was heavily nestled into bed and I did not respond physically to myself directing myself.  Again, I said, 'okay, serious now, I need to get up' and again, there was no physical indication to myself  as being connected to my body as I directed myself within my self-commitments.  I had to force and will myself out of bed.

What made this separation of myself from body obvious is that, typically, when I wake up, my body awakens before I, as my mind, do.  My pattern is to become restless and bored in my physical body while I wake up within my mind, looking for an escape inside of myself from which to avoid facing my day.

I commit myself to push through my resistance to prioritizing and getting important things done.  And because of that,  I am able to see a pattern of laziness and procrastination that I have allowed to become me. Further, I am seeing a physical consequence that I have created from allowing this pattern to exist within me.

The pattern: I do not want to get out of bed to face the reality of my life.  I do not want to have to clean, cook, do chores, take care of my commitments and responsibilities, write, self-forgive, work on my assignments nor do anything that requires me to give any part of myself or my efforts.  Instead, I want to go into my mind and within my thoughts, memories, anticipations, emotions, feelings, and fantasies.  From the outside, without considering what is really going on with me, I would have labeled this behavior as 'LAZY'.

The consequence: Because I have preferred and thus accepted and allowed myself to participate within myself as my mind and not within myself as my body in this physical reality, I do not have a connection with body.  Even when I was younger and participated in sports and physical activity, I was still in myself as my mind and not body - the proof of this is in my words when I have told myself, 'Mind over matter ...' and 'Ignore the pain ... go somewhere else.'.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have separated myself from myself as my physical body to such an extent that a force of will and exertion is required from within and as myself to get out of bed.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see the pattern that I have created within and as myself that I have labeled, defined, and accepted as 'lazy'.  
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself see, realize, and understand that I have defined and accepted the label of 'lazy' for a pattern that exists within myself as my participation within my mind, because I do not want to see  - I do not want to see, expose, nor admit that I prefer the fantasies that I've created within myself as the memories, pictures, thoughts, feelings and emotions that I have stored, for the specific use of escaping, hiding, and making it possible for me to be blind, within myself as my mind.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer, want, and/or desire to participate within my memories, pictures, thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  I see clearly that I have never, truly wanted to participate within this reality as it is and that I do not want to give any of myself to anything or anyone outside of myself - I am not 'happy' with my life. I am not satisfied with my achievements.  I am not comfortable in my body.  I see that I have been dishonest with myself and others all along.  This is proven by my drive to escape from here and into myself as my mind where I play out fantasies and re-create 'not-so-happy' experiences in my past into new experiences where I am the winner, the hero, and satisfied.  I also see that within my embrace of myself existing within myself as my mind, that this is where I have created my multiple personalities which I will later use within my real, physical world as a test of survival.  I see that I keep the personalities that survive the test of my world as it exists and that I discard the personalities that do not get the results that I had anticipated or desired.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to be honest with myself about my real, actual standing within and on what is here:  This world is shit.  It is almost impossible to survive here.  Getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle.  I am fortunate to have a bed. I am fortunate to have food.  I see myself as powerless here - I cannot stop my struggle within this world, how am I going to stop the struggling of others?
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as powerless and unable to assist and support myself and others outside of myself.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn my back on this world, myself, and the others outside of myself within this world because I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that humanity will 'not make it here' and there is 'nothing we can do' and thus, programmed myself to pretend I do not care, pretend I do not have reactions to the suffering that I am seeing, turning myself off, looking away, and creating justifications and excuses from which I can live and communicate that I am not to blame and that those suffering have no one to blame but themselves.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a coward because of my fear of survival and within protecting my own self-interest as I fear that if I am loud and speak out against what I am seeing as abusive, wrong, and completely insane, that I will be punished or banished to a life of suffering.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up nor speak up when I could have and should have - I see that I have not allowed myself to stand up or speak up because of my self-allowed fear of retribution from those who I see as directing this world.  I fear those that move this world as it exists because I see them as more powerful than myself.  I have programmed this fear in me as a response to the experiences within past of being in physical pain at the hands of others to whom I have abdicated myself.  I have been shown, time and time again, that if I speak up and speak out that I will be hurt - physically, emotionally and/or mentally.  
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear those that lead, direct, and move this world.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear retribution from those that lead, direct, and move this world.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking up and/or speaking out as myself because I have allowed myself to live in fear of retribution from those that lead, direct, and move this world.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that those who lead, direct and move this world are those that I have accepted and allowed to represent me.  The leaders of this world are a mirror reflection of myself.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that my fear of the leaders of this world is actually my fear of myself and what I am capable of if someone outside of myself stands up to or speaks out against the direction that I am moving and directing a group within and as.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remove those from my immediate reality who challenge me to face myself by facing me.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt physically, emotionally, and/or mentally.  I realize that I must be cautious with my physical body within this world as it exists because I have allowed the abuse, killing, and insanity to exist and so I am living the consequence of my allowance that we can hurt each other physically.  I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to realize that no one outside of myself is responsible for my emotional and/or mental state of beingness - I am the one responsible for the shit that I've allowed to accumulate within me as my emotions and myself as my mind and I commit myself to cleaning up the mess that I have allowed to accumulate within and as me.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see myself as strong and able to stand for those who are not as fortunate as I am and have been.  I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to stand for myself in times of struggle, misfortune, and abuse.  I have purposely hidden my potential as a responsible and caring human being from myself and others.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that by creating distractions within myself as my mind as fantasies, stories, and interesting character personalities, that I am directly responsible, by my acceptance and allowance of these existing within me, for the distractions that exist in this world so that we may allow ourselves to not see what is here and to make it extremely easy to ignore.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to re-direct myself to be distracted and obsessed with my 'interests' and hobbies rather than using that time to learn how my world, this reality, and myself works.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted by and obsessed with how everything in this world appears to be rather than how it is, for real.  I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted, obsessed, and or consumed by the pretty, beautiful, and 'feel good' things that are here.  I see that I have wasted a lot of my life on pushing myself to be equal to the pretty, beautiful, and good things in life - things that I see with my eyes that are then interpreted by myself as my mind and thus, are of my mind and so I am not seeing these things as they actually exist - I see my world as an interpretation or an assumption that I have pre-programmed for myself so that I do not have to see what is here, as it is, in the physical, for real.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware of myself as my physical body nor accepting and allowing myself to connect with my body.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted by labels, art, and deceptive advertised contents within the food I place within my body rather than investigating what my body actually requires to function at it's absolute best.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to willingly give of myself, as my whole self, to my commitments and responsibilities.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly give myself, as my whole self, to myself as my mind within thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, fears, reactions, personality creation, resistance, and distraction so that I do not have self-commit and self-direct and thus be absolutely, 100% responsible for the consequences of my choices that I have made in my self-interest.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pre-program myself to respond to and soothe myself within physical discomfort with the following inner and outer dialogue: Mind over matter, ignore the pain, go somewhere else.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to retreat within myself as my mind when my body is in pain - I see that this is another way that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body - in this case, because I fear pain.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear pain within my physical body and thus ignore the pain and place myself within myself as my mind where I tell myself that I am greater than the pain. I see that my acceptance and allowance of this separation is reflected back to me within my separation from the pain and suffering in this world outside of my physical body - I fear the pain in the world and I fear for the world.  As a reaction to this fear, I either ignore it or I place myself as better so that I may justify and/or deny my ignorance and helplessness.

The correction I see for myself is:

When and as I see myself retreating into myself as my mind from my accepted and allowed realities of my life and my world, I stop. I breath and place both of my feet firmly on the floor.  I see that my acceptance and allowance of myself as a participant within a self-created fantasy world has done nothing and fixed nothing - it is pointless to do this.  Further, by existing within all that I've created within my mind, I have purposely separated myself from my physical body.  I commit myself to stopping my participation within myself as my mind within my writing and my self-forgiveness. 

When and as I see myself defining a pattern of behavior that exists within and as me, as a word that I use but have not considered nor investigated the meaning of, I stop.  I breath.  I direct myself to open myself up to myself and within this opening process, I expand the pattern that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and participate within my world as.  I no longer accept one word, simple terms, definitions, nor labels for what I am.  I commit myself to expanding the awareness of myself by writing the details of myself for and to myself.

When and as I see a personality existing within and as me as a response to my accepted and allowed pre-programmed fear of survival, I stop. I breath. I direct myself to grasp the personality and walk through the process from which I created the personality.  I commit myself to identify and expose to myself the personalities that I have created within myself as my mind.  I commit myself to determine if a personality that I discover within and as myself is what is best for all.  When and as I see that a personality exists within and as me that is not best for all, I commit myself to directing myself to write out the personality and to speak the self-forgiveness for the personality.

When and as I see myself as powerless, fearful, and/or a victim to the system, I stop. I breath.  I realize that the system exists because I have accepted and allowed it to exist. I realize that powerlessness, fearfulness, and victimization exists because I have accepted and allowed it to exist as well.  I commit myself to taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to exist and fear within myself and my world.  I realize that weakness, fearfulness, and blame are also back doors that I have created for when I come face-to-face with resistance.  I commit myself to removing powerlessness, fearfulness, and blame from my beingness through writing and self-forgiveness so that I can be free and/or see who I am when it is done.

When and as I see that I am resisting investigating the food, chemicals, substances, and drugs that put inside my body, I stop.  I direct myself to investigate the food, chemicals, substances, and drugs that I swallow, breath, and absorb into my physical body.  Because I see that I have completely separated myself from my physical body, I see that the process of discovery of what I need as my body is going to take time.  I direct myself to set aside time to study my body and how I physically function.  I commit myself to expanding my understanding of myself as my physical body in later writing and self-forgiveness.

Day 3: Fear of Not Being Special

I see today that I have a fear and anxiety of being 'left out'. I realize that this fear of being left out is further perpetuated by my fear of not 'being special'. When I allow this fear, I see that I become jealous and confused because I have allowed myself to become comfortable, accepting and anticipatory of getting attention and validation of my presence.  The confusion comes when I am not the center of attention or when I see that others around me are not including me, specifically, within their conversations and/or discussions.  The jealousy comes as a reaction to the confusion because within myself as my mind and as I've programmed myself to be does not correlate with me not getting attention.  I have driven myself to be special, different, an 'ace', and a brightly shining star among the others that I see as less than me.  When I see another as shining more brightly than myself, as gauged by the attention that they are getting, I become jealous.  I want to see that person fail so that I can ensure my place as 'next in-line to the throne' so that I can be the one to be validated.

When writing this out, I see how completely messed up this is.  Why do I need to be validated? Why do I need to be special? Why do I need to be better?  How is it that I've allowed myself to place myself as more important than others outside of myself?  How is it, within walking my process within the principles of what is best for all, can I continue to allow myself to participate within this cycle of wanting more for myself and less for others?

I do not want to see it.  I do want to see that my wanting for more for myself and less than others is directly reflected back to me within my world.  I see how I've said, 'screw you' to the rest of the world and not cared about what's happening here, for real, as long as my own self-interest and my obsession with myself as successfully getting what I need out of this life is appeased.

Within this realization of myself, I have directed myself to clear myself within breathing and stop myself from reacting to myself not 'getting attention' so that I can observe and listen to others outside of myself.  As I breath, I see that this is a point that requires self-forgiveness and self-correction.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being 'left out' and thus experience anxiety and worry within myself as my mind where I panic and tell myself that I am not 'good enough' to be included.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not 'as good' as others and so I push myself to create myself as a person whom I see 'as better' than others.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being special, important, the star, the best or the center of attention.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to be aware that my fear of not being special, important, the star, the best, or the center of attention is a product of my fear of not surviving where if I have not secured my place within this world, as validated by others, that I will not survive here.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that I have equated being special, important, the star, being the best, and being the center of attention with survival in that if I am all of these that makes me unique, I improve my chances of earning money and the support of those that will protect me and thus secure my survival within this world system as it exists.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that my acceptance and allowance of my self-created system of survival within and as me indicates my acceptance and allowance of the system of survival outside of me.  As within, as without.  As above, so below.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to stop feeding the system of survival by allowing the system of survival to exist, grow, and flourish within and as me.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become jealous of those outside of myself that I see as having 'more' than me.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by myself as my mind as I participate within this world from a point of jealousy and so direct myself within my own self-interest toward what is best for myself and not considering what is best for all that is here.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that jealousy is created from within myself as my mind's perspective of ownership and what is 'owed' to me - in that I see that others getting what I want for myself as taking away from what -I- own and/or what is owed to -me- simply by being the special person that I am.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as owning or being owed anything or anyone outside of myself.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be owned or desiring to be owned by anything or anyone outside of myself as both a means of abdication of my responsibility for myself and validating my presence as real and valued.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be 'less than' what can be bought, traded, stolen, or validated as real or having value within the process of ownership as it currently exists within and outside me.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be obsessed with owning and/or claiming for myself what is here so that others cannot have it.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that my obsession with proving my superiority over others outside of myself has only one end result: I end up with a bunch of useless, broken, or expiration-programmed shit that I have no practical, daily use for.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see and be aware that my obsession with myself within my own self-interest leads to no where - in the end, there is nothing of real, actual value within this system as it currently exists as it does not support all life.  When reflecting the system that I have accepted and allowed back to myself, I see that there is nothing of real, actual value within and as myself as I currently exist if I do not support all life.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a system that supports the disregard for life so that I may continue to support myself within my self-interest and disregard for all life.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see and be aware that as long as I am jealous and seeking outside validation for myself through attention, ownership, and being given what I have seen myself as earning, that I am not in support of life, in fact, and that I cannot be trusted with life.

After reading my self-forgiveness out-loud, I suggest to myself to direct myself within practical living, self-correction as follows:

When and as I see that I am becoming fearful of being left out, I stop.  I breath.  I am aware that my fear within myself as my mind of being left out is my self-created response to my accepted and allowed pre-programmed fear of survival.  I see that by allowing myself to fear not being welcomed, validated, or special within 'the group', that I have been allowing myself to separate myself from others outside of myself and thus missing opportunities to see how and what others are seeing.  I no longer allow myself to miss out on an opportunity to see and understand myself and my world within the lives of others by becoming distracted by my fear of survival.  I place two feet on the floor, I focus, I push, and I remain here within breath.  I commit myself to direct myself to remove my accepted and allowed system of survival and I do this by writing out my fears and speaking self-forgiveness for my fears.

When and as I see that I am valuing or de-valuing myself and others outside of myself within the polarity points of 'best' or 'not as good', I stop. I breath.  I see that this system of value that I have created within myself as a means to attain my self-interested achievements leads to no where. I push myself to see, regard, and take a stand for what is here as life.  I no longer allow myself to consume for the sake of consuming nor abuse for the sake of abusing, because I have told myself that 'I can'. From here, I commit myself to considering all that I use and/or consume within what I understand to be the best for all.  Abuse, I do not allow it as I am absolutely certain that it is not what's best for anyone or anything and thus I direct myself to remove abuse from my life, the lives of others, and this world.

When and as I see myself as placing myself as 'special', 'unique', 'amazing', 'incredible', 'a star', a 'savior', or any other placement of myself that is not equal to those outside of myself - I stop.  I no longer allow myself to separate myself from others with words or fantasies of myself as being supreme.  I breath.  I place myself as equal and one to, with, within, and as others.  I commit myself to removing words, pictures, memories, and future projections of myself from myself that are not equal and one with myself and others outside of myself.  I commit myself to standing equal to all that exist here.

When and as I see myself as not wanting others to have what I want for myself, I stop. I breath.  I stop making enemies within myself as my secret mind.  I stop separating others from myself within myself as my secret mind.  As I observe my world, I see that the wars and killing exist because it exists within me - when and as wars, killing, and making enemies no longer exist in me, they will no longer exist in the world because I will not allow it, from myself or anyone outside of myself.  I commit myself to removing the back-chat, evil, demonic, and self-soothing thoughts that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me as my secret-mind - here, I self-commit myself to expose my secret mind to myself as I write and say self-forgiveness so that I can direct myself to stop and live within a correction that is best for all.

Day 2: Self-Commitment To Speaking Self-Forgiveness Out-Loud

I have been resistant to saying self-forgiveness out-loud.  I see that I am writing self-forgiveness and sharing it as the written word but not sharing it with myself as spoken word.  My justifications and excuses for not saying self-forgiveness statements out-loud are:

• I do not have enough time to say my self-forgiveness out-loud.  I will write it now so that I can get it done and then later, when I have more time, I will go back to the self-forgiveness that I have written and say it out-loud.
• I cannot say my self-forgiveness out-loud because others will hear me.  I will do it later when no one is around to hear.
• I cannot say my self-forgiveness out-loud because those that I live with are sleeping - I might wake them up.  If I wake them up, they may become annoyed with me, I may be faced with questions, or I may lose my quiet time with myself.
• I cannot say my self-forgiveness out-loud because others are around and they will think I'm crazy or become exasperated with me as I participate within a process that they have no interest in participating in and/or experiencing themselves.
• I am too busy - someone outside of myself needs me or needs me to do something for them.  I will say self-forgiveness later if and/or when the others in my life give me a chance or an open window of time to do so.

I see and realize within my writing my excuses and justifications above that I am not taking on the responsibility of me saying self-forgiveness out-loud.  I see clearly within my writing that I am using my world and the others within my world as a point of blame so that I do not have to take responsibility for myself within my entire process of freeing myself from the multiple layers of personalities, memories, emotions, and feelings by writing and then saying my self-forgiveness out-loud.  Within my process thus far, I have come to see that my excuses, justifications, and abdications for and of myself, indicates that there is a fear that I do not want to face.  Further, I have shown to myself that both writing and saying self-forgiveness out-loud is effective within my self-direction and commitment to myself to change - this change I have seen as myself as I look back to where I was before writing and saying self-forgiveness and compare that self to who I am as myself in this moment.  Within proving to myself that I have changed within writing and speaking self-forgiveness, it is clear to me that when I resist doing what I know to be effective by justifications, excuses and blame from fear that I am in fact, fearing change.

Here I share my self-forgiveness for not speaking my self-forgiveness statements out-loud:

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist speaking self-forgiveness out-loud.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to soothe myself within my resistance to speaking self-forgiveness out-loud by telling myself that I am not required to say my self-forgiveness out-loud because I have written my self-forgiveness and that writing my self-forgiveness is 'good enough'.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that I do not need to apply myself with 100% of myself within my process of writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to realize that my acceptance of myself as 'good enough' indicates my acceptance of my world, as it exists, as 'good enough'.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to expect the absolute best from myself.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see and realize that by my acceptance and allowance of myself as not pushing myself within my full capacity that is my absolute best, that I do not push for a world that could exist within it's full capacity as it's absolute best.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make-up within myself as myself as my mind dialogue, justifications, excuses, and points of blame of how and why I cannot say my statements of self-forgiveness out-loud.
• I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that if I continue to make justifications, excuses, and points of blame for myself from which to hide myself from myself, that I will continue to make justifications, excuses, and points of blame for this world as it exists so that I may hide from what I'm becoming aware of existing here in this world and thus within me.  
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not re-direct myself within the thought of 'I do not have time to say my self-forgiveness out-loud' and thus accept and allow myself to validate myself within responding to the thought within a point of procrastination from which I can self-sabotage myself as I say to myself, 'I will say my self-forgiveness out-loud when I have more time'.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself within myself as my mind that I will not be able to say self-forgiveness out-loud, every day, for seven years and seeing myself within myself as a picture within my mind as tired, giving up, and seeing myself within myself and the eyes of others as a failure - I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself within myself confirming my pattern of 'giving up' to others who have witnessed me 'giving up' in the past and thus confirming, solidifying, and setting this as a future path to and for myself.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that when I allow myself to create future versions of myself within failure and accept what I'm seeing of myself within myself as a picture of failure within myself as my mind, that I am setting a 'stage' for the possibility of failure, seeing myself as being able to live through the consequences of my accepted and allowed failure, and thus making my possible future failure 'okay with me'.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail myself within myself as my mind.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail myself and thus others and my world within myself as my mind.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing failure to exist as I see it within myself as the picture in my mind as tired, worn out, used up, and exhausted.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others hearing me say self-forgiveness out-loud.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear others hearing me say self-forgiveness out-loud because I see within myself as my mind that others outside of myself may think that I am 'crazy', annoying, or exhausting.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as being crazy, annoying, and/or exhausting within saying self-forgiveness out-loud.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see and realize that my fear of saying self-forgiveness out-loud within the presence of others is, in fact, my fear of self-forgiveness.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see and realize that anything that I am in fear of or uncomfortable with is indicative that I am not standing equal to and one with that which I am fearing.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to stand equal to and one with self-forgiveness.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that I am placing the process of writing and speaking self-forgiveness as greater than myself.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself and who I may or may not become within my process of effective self-forgiveness and change.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to anticipate myself as being greater or less than myself as I am, here, in this moment, within my process of change.
•  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself within points of polarity between greater or less than when self-forgiving and/or applying myself within what I see I can change as myself.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that by allowing myself to place myself within a cycle of polarity in relation to self-forgiveness, that I am trapping myself within a pattern and/or cycle from which I can separate myself within a bubble and thus create a 'back door' out of my process of effective self-forgiveness as myself as ego.

After writing my self-forgiveness, I see my practical living self-correction as follows:

When and as I see that I am resisting saying self-forgiveness out-loud as indicated by myself as participating within excuses, justifications, blame and/or soothing words within myself as my mind, I stop.  I breath.  I realize that my resistance to effectively removing from myself what is not best for all as myself, others, and my world, is my fear of losing myself within my own self-interest and thus fearing myself changing and becoming what is best for all.  I no longer allow myself to direct myself within fear of losing myself.  I push myself within my commitment to myself to speak my written self-forgiveness out loud.

When and as I see myself as failing and/or a picture of failing within myself as my mind, I stop. I breath.  I do not allow myself see myself as a victim and/or survivor of failure.  I do not give up.  I do not give in.  I push.  I push myself within my process of effective self-forgiveness.  I do not allow myself to fail myself or see myself as failing myself within my seven year commitment to daily writing and speaking self-forgiveness out loud.  I do not give up on myself and thus I do not give up on others outside of myself nor do I give up on my world.

When and as I see myself as judging myself as 'crazy', 'annoying' and/or exhaustive within my self commitment to daily writing and speaking self-forgiveness, I stop.  I breath.  I self-forgive myself for the labels that I place upon myself within my fear as I face myself.  I direct myself to remove and/or re-define these words that I have placed upon myself within considering these words within what is best for all.

When and as I see that I am allowing myself as my ego to create a polarity point and thus a back-door from which to abdicate myself within my self-commitment to write and speak self-forgiveness daily for seven years, which is indicated by my uncomfortableness as a result of my not standing equal to and one with self-forgiveness, I stop.  I breath.  I place two feet directly in front of me on the floor and bring myself here.  I no longer allow myself to surround myself within a polarity cycle/circle/bubble from within which to separate myself from the effective process of self-forgiveness.  I direct, move, push, and place myself as equal and one to myself and all that is here - including self-forgiveness.  I see that self-forgiveness is not 'special' and stop myself from placing self-forgiveness on a God-like platform as supernatural, a secret, and as having power over myself.  Self-forgiveness is a tool that assists me with seeing myself as I exist and within that seeing,  I become responsible for what I have accepted and allowed - simple, practical.

Day 1: 7 Year Self-Commitment to Myself

I have never committed myself to anything in my entire life.  I 'say' that I am committed but have never stood by those words with all of myself.  No thing or any one person has been important enough to me where I can show, 100%, that I am committed.

This stops here.  I now give myself the gift of myself to myself.  I'm here to prove to myself that I am able to be dedicated, I am able to push myself beyond my expectations of myself, and that I will not give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted nor allowed myself to make a commitment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I am not able to commit to anyone or anything.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within and as myself within my spoken word.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed in myself and carry guilt within myself when I have not lived up to my spoken word within a verbal commitment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself within the eyes of others as being disappointed with me for not living up to my spoken word within verbal commitment and thus allowing myself to carry around guilt for how I see myself within the eyes of others.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be disappointed in others for not living up to their spoken word and thus project my disappointment onto others as a means to force myself on others so that I may 'see' their guilt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen for the word, 'Sorry', when I see that another outside of myself has not lived up to their words and/or verbal commitments to myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to equate the word 'Sorry' with the emotion of 'Guilt'.
I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that I am using the word, 'Sorry' as both an expression and absolving of the emotion of guilt.
I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that I am able to take on a commitment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to see that I have been self-sabotaging myself within my reluctance to make a commitment because when presented with the opportunity to make a verbal commitment, I will make excuses of why I am unable to commit to anything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself and others outside of myself justifications and excuses for how come I am not able to apply myself within what must be done.

As I see myself begin to make justifications and/or excuses within myself when presented with an opportunity to make a commitment that is within what is best for myself and others, then I stop.  I breath.  I stop myself from making justifications and excuses for why I cannot direct myself to push myself within my daily application.

As I see myself within resistance to writing and self-forgiveness as evident by myself within my mind as back-chat, justifications and excuses, then I stop.  I push.  I push myself to write and self-forgive myself within my blog once per day.  I see clearly that the more I write and the more I self-forgive myself, the more effective I am within my process of understanding and communicating myself and what I'm seeing within my world.

As I see myself within extracting an emotion of guilt from myself and others, I stop.  I breath. I bring myself back to myself as equal to myself and others outside of myself.  Carrying around guilt within myself is not cool.  I see that the purpose of guilt is to gain 'control' of myself or another.  I no longer allow myself to control or be controlled by guilt.  I direct myself to self-forgive myself within guilt as I face it.  I self-direct myself within my verbal commitments and understand that I must allow others to self-direct themselves within their verbal commitments.

As I see myself focusing on what I have defined as others 'short-comings', I will stop.  I breath.  I see that I am not in fact focused on another's 'short-comings'.  I am in truth, focused on what I see within myself as 'short-comings'.  Within this realization, I bring that which I see as separate from me back to myself and direct myself to write-out and self-forgive that which I have separated from myself.