Day 7: The Consequence of My Appearance Values

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear gaining weight.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear writing self-forgiveness in a blog about my fear of gaining weight.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear gaining back the weight that I have lost.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear writing and self-forgiveness about my fear of gaining weight back that I have lost because I fear that if I do not 'hold onto' my fear of gaining weight that I will gain weight.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself to maintain a fear of gaining weight so that I would not gain weight.  I see that this is a self-forgiveness that I was required to do for myself within my responsibility to myself and did not - instead, I allowed myself to continue the abuse of myself as my physical body because I am scared.  I am scared of what others say, I am scared of what others think and I'm scared of having to spend a lot of money on 'fat clothes' or go back to having nothing to wear again because within myself as my mind and as others as reflecting back to me of myself as my physical appearance, I did not look good, no matter what I was wearing.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate the way I looked in pictures and in the mirror when I was 30-50 pounds heavier.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny myself, as my physical body, the nutrition that I, as my physical body requires in that I will eat very little until I am at the point of feeling 'crazy' and at that point of craziness, I will grab whatever I can eat for food that's closest and most convenient for me to feed myself with in the moment.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear how others will see me again if I gain back the weight that I have lost.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by others spoken words, opinions, appraisals, and critiques of my physical body depending on the size of my physical body.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of others spoken, whispered words, opinions, critiques, ignoring me, and or 'treating me differently' as a response to the size and/or shape of my physical body.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to recall memories of myself as being teased or being told I was 'fat and need to lose weight' by others outside of myself so that I may manipulate myself into a reaction of fear of being fat.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be comfortable within and as my physical body.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that I am punishing myself as my physical body for myself separating myself from my physical body and thus not feeling comfortable within my physical body.  I punish my physical body because I am feeling guilty and regretful that I have accepted and allowed myself to put food into my physical body that I have allowed myself to define as 'junk food', 'carbohydrates', 'processed food', 'fast food', 'fatty' - because I have defined these foods as bad for me, I allow myself to become guilty when I eat these foods and then regretful after I have gained weight from the foods that I told myself I would gain weight from.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define food as 'good', 'bad', 'healthy' or 'unhealthy'.  Within these polarity relationships to food that I have created within myself as my mind, I have allowed myself to make emotional and feeling attachments to the words 'good', 'bad', 'healthy' or 'unhealthy' and thus, I have established emotional and feeling attachments to food and eating.
• I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push through the resistance of writing out this point of weight-loss, weight-gain, food, eating, and/or starving myself because I do not want others outside of myself to judge me for eating habits and then correlate my eating habits to the size, shape, and weight of my human physical body.  I also fear that others will think less of me because I know nothing about what I need, as my physical body, in the form of food - within my ignorance of my body and directing myself within my self-interests and fears of rejection/ridicule, I have been chasing after foods, diets, food plans, supplements, and drugs that take away my appetite.

I have been teased, abused, criticized and looked-down upon during my life for being 'fat'.  This started when I was a young child. As far as I can remember, this taunting, cruelty, being told I was 'fat' and needed to lose weight by people I trusted, did not make sense to me when I was little.  And because of that, within myself as I process this fear of being fat, I am unable to make a connection with myself - As a child, was I supposed to tell the world that fed me then called me fat 'I'm not eating that - and I do not accept what you are saying about me'?

I'm angry. And I'm whining.

• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to take responsibility for the shape, size, and weight of my physical body.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate myself to products and other people outside of myself who all claim to 'know what I need'.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to slow down and take the time required to investigate myself as my body's response to food so that I can determine which foods are supportive for myself as my body.  I am seeing that foods that are in support of my physical body are ones that I, as my body, do not react to in physical pain such as: gas, burping, pimples, burning, throwing up, diarrhea, and becoming swollen.

Here I am directing myself to see how and what I am seeing in others outside of myself as 'fat' or 'thin' so that I am able to support myself within my self-forgiveness.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see others outside of myself as fat/thin, healthy/unhealthy.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make judgements of others outside of myself and thus form relationships within myself as my mind to others depending on how I interpret how others outside of myself appear within myself as my mind.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a good/bad, right/wrong, better-off/worse-off, superior/un-superior relationship with others outside of myself - I realize that when I meet anyone that I immediately judge their appearance and place value upon that which I am seeing as 'better than' me or 'worse than' me within myself as my mind.  I see that I give more value to those that I interpret as 'attractive' and less value to those that I see as 'unattractive'.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place myself as either better or worse than others outside of myself and thus establish a relationship within myself as my mind to others outside of myself as myself being better or worse than others outside of myself.  I see that when I am better, I experience a feeling of empowerment.  I see that when I see myself as worse, I experience an emotion of insecurity.  What I have not accepted nor allowed myself to see is that when I am allowing myself to experience insecurity or empowerment that this is a consequence of my acceptance and allowance of my participating within myself as my mind and allowing myself as my mind to direct me into a value judgement - when I have established my value judgement as a thought, I then react with a feeling of empowerment or an emotion of insecurity.  Here, when I establish my relationship to another outside of myself within allowing myself to feel empowered or insecure, I will then react with an opposite emotion or feeling as a consequence of my acceptance and allowance because I did not see myself as equal and thus, seeing the consequence of not seeing myself as equal, I punish myself - I punish myself with a feelings and/or emotions in which to attempt to 'balance' the relationship that I have established with another outside of myself.  If I allow myself to become superior over another, I will counter my superiority with an emotion of guilt for allowing myself to become superior.  If I allow myself to become insecure, I will seek out a flaw that I see in another so that I can establish myself as better, some how, some way, as long as I balance it out and make it 'okay' for myself to accept myself.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to create a balance within myself as my mind after I have created a inequality within myself as my mind.  

After writing this self-forgiveness, I am grateful for and as myself.  I am seeing the consequences that I have created within, as, and for myself for not seeing myself as and/or being/becoming equal to others and my world outside of myself.  Within my realization of myself and the bullshit I have put myself and others through, I see that the direction of myself is to establish equality with myself as all that am and have become as myself as my mind, as my physical body, and my beingness in breath because this 'makes sense to me' within the principle of 'as above, so below'.

When and as I see myself begin to establish and/or place myself as not equal to others outside of myself as indicated by my reaction to others' appearances where I put value on others outside of myself as better/worse-having more/having less-superior/not-superior, I stop.  I breath.  I breath because I see that the 'problem' here is that I am allowing myself to be moved fast within the direction of myself as my mind and so the solution is breath.  I commit myself to slowing myself within and as my participation within myself as my mind in breath and from here, I direct myself to seeing the relationships of in-equality that I have created within and as myself as my mind to myself, myself as my physical body, others outside of myself, others outside of myself as their human physical body, my world, and my world as it's physical.

Also seeing that fears are stupid and when I push myself within my fears by actually sitting myself down and pushing myself to write out self-forgiveness for my fears, the fear no longer is real to me in that I see the illusion of fear that I have created within and as myself as my mind so that I am able to avoid and/or resist removing the relationships that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself, others outside of myself, and what exists in my world.  Further, I see and realize that I am not self-directing myself to face and take-on my fears in that I am using others direction as a source of compression which is myself not taking responsibility for myself when I see points within and as myself.

When and as I see myself within a moment of resistance to writing out and speaking self-forgiveness for fears that are within my awareness, I stop.  I do not allow myself to 'put off' my releasing myself from my fears for 'fear' of the consequence illusions that I have manipulated within myself as my mind.  I commit myself to removing my fears as a commitment to myself to slow myself down within breath, stop, and push myself to write out and speak self-forgiveness out-loud for my fears.  I direct myself to remove that which I have created/manipulated/defined within/as/for myself relationships as enslavement of myself within and as my mind and within that direction of clearing myself, I do not accept nor allow myself to create/manipulate/define new relationships within/as/to/for myself, others outside of myself, and my world within myself as my mind by stopping myself from this behavior pattern of relationship creation and/or definitions by slowing myself down within breath, walking myself back within the moment that allowed myself to not be a directive of myself, self-forgive myself for that which surfaces where I have not been effective in my application, and direct myself within and as practical, self-corrective statements that I can live out as what is best for all.

When and as I see myself beginning to place food with my physical body that I am aware does not support myself as my physical body, I stop.  I breath.  I see the consequences of 'living it up' as my body accumulating fat, becoming gassy, showing pimples, sweating in the middle of the night, gagging, throwing up, and having diarrhea and cramping.  I no longer accept nor allow myself to blame myself as my physical body because I am unsatisfied with my appearance and/or how my body functions/processes food. From here, I commit myself to establishing and agreement with myself as my physical body and see that within my commitment to an agreement with myself as my body, my direction, at this moment, is to consume one meat per day and outside of that, feed myself fresh fruits and vegetables when and as I become hungry.  I no longer accept nor allow myself to 'experiment' on my body with different 'diets' that I have not investigated the contents of and/or 'promise' me 'good health' and/or weight loss.  I am already aware that a small amount of meat, fresh fruits and vegetables support me and myself as my physical body - as additional support for my body surfaces as others working on supporting their own bodies with 'diet' and a specific regiment of food and/or supplements within the current system, I direct myself to observe and not participate until I see that the support is proven - by doing this, I establish a point of responsibility and trust with myself as my body within my commitment to working on an agreement with myself as my physical body.