Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Day 5: Re-Walking My Relationship With Time

Time.  I have issues with time.  I have done self-forgiveness on time in the past and I see, almost a year later, that my application was not effective.  I still fight with time - I see it as both my friend and my enemy.  Time is my friend when it's moving slowly and I am able to complete the tasks I set out for myself within a day.  Time is my enemy when my day is flying by and I see that the things that I have set for myself to do are not getting done.  When time is going fast in my world, I only get one or two tasks done.  I've also noticed that time speeds up when I am writing and self-forgiving - I use hours of my time in a day within this process - I have come to enjoy writing and I push myself to not miss points that come up when I am writing my self-forgiveness.  It takes time.  And when I'm self-forgiving and the points are coming at me fast, I'm afraid that I am going to miss the points or forget them completely as I'm working on a current point.  I don't want to miss anything because I do not want to have to go back to a point.

So what has happened here within my fear that I am going to miss points and my fear that I will have to go back to points that I've missed?  I have, in fact, missed points within my application of my self-forgiveness and writing on time and I am, in fact, here to re-walk myself within my relationship with time.

  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have 'issues' with time.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have not been effective within my previous application within and as the point of time.  I see that my process may have not been as structured as it now because before I started the Desteni 'I' Process, I did not allow myself to have any structure within my studies, writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to continue to 'put-off' and procrastinate within my process of understanding time, my relationship with time, and myself within time.  I procrastinate and ignore myself within and as time and tell myself that I will 'deal with it later' because I'm seeing the point of time as greater than myself.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see time as greater than myself because it was here before I was born into this current life and within my current body.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that I fear and/or see myself as less than what was here before me - I am seeing that anything that was here before me as greater than myself for the simple reason that it is older than me.  When looking at the point of time, specifically, I see what adds to the mystery of time, aside from the fact that I see it as 'ancient', is that I have no control over time.  I have not been able to master my manipulation of time within my relationship with time - I have not been able to manipulate time to my satisfaction and self-interests in the way that I have successfully manipulated myself and others within my relationships.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see time as some super-power outside of myself that controls my beingness - I see that I have allowed time to direct and dictate when I wake up, when I shower, when I go to work, when I drop my son off, when I start work, when I end work, when I come home, when I play with my son, when I eat, when I clean, when I write, when I self-forgive, and when I do anything.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to require an external time-clock outside of myself from which I have allowed to direct me through out my days, nights, and life-time.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that when I was a child, that I did not use a clock or a watch to direct me - I relied on others telling me to wake up or calling out for me when it was time to come home.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to never self-direct myself - as I see it, even since I have been a child, I have always relied on something or someone outside of me to direct me from one task to another.  I realize as an adult that I continue my allowed programming of myself - I have accepted and allowed Time to become my director, my sun, my darkness, and my God.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate myself within my responsibility of directing and moving myself to time.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame time for me not getting done everything that I see I want, need, desire, or am required to get done so that I may live up to my self-defined standard of an 'effective human being'.

After walking away then walking back to my writing I see:

That I like to go fast.  I love the rush of going fast. I am addicted to it.  I see that I have been telling myself that if I go faster that I will have more time, at the end, to have more time. I see that I have created habits and addictions within myself as I have justified myself within my participation of this assumption that if I go fast, I'll get more done, that I will be perfect, and that I will have more time to fulfill that which I have defined within myself as being effective and successful in life, as a worker, a parent, a partner, and a student.

I commit myself to letting go of the habits and addictions that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I need in order to go fast, get more done, and have more time.  I commit myself to writing out my addictions and fears of releasing myself from my addictions within future writings, self-forgiveness, and corrections in this Journey to Life blog.

Now I bring myself back to where I left off within the point of time.

  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see, realize, become aware and be honest with myself that through my accepted and allowed participation of time, as I have created it to exist within myself as my mind, hour-to-hour, minute-to-minute, second-to-second, that I am existing with equal and one with time - when I'm going fast, time speeds up and when I am going slow, time creeps by.  I see that I have not allowed myself to stop, look carefully, and silently observe how I participate with time and how I have created relationships within myself as mind with time that I have projected onto myself within my physical movement in my world - I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to listen nor investigate myself when I say while working, "When we're busy, time goes by MUCH faster.  When we're slow, time creeps along - this is killing me, I cannot stand this waiting around for something to happen, I'm SO bored."
  • I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and be honest within myself within the point of time that when time goes by slow, I am bored, and I wish for time to speed up.  I see that this is most specific when I am at work.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see and be honest with myself within the point of time that when time goes by fast that I want it to slow down because I'm not getting anything other than one or two tasks done.
  • I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to re-direct myself back to my responsibilities and commitments when I am bored - I prefer, instead, to place a blame on something outside of myself that I have told myself controls my boredom, my direction, my movement, and my life.  I am beginning to see how I have created this pattern of blame within all of my relationships within people, places, and things outside of myself instead of directing myself back to myself, here, present, within breath, prioritizing my self-commitments, responsibilities, and time to be enjoyed with the beings in my life.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not only create time, a relationship with time, and myself within and as time but also a polarity point of love and/or hate with time from which I can experience time within myself as my mind as my feelings and emotions.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself within my own creation of and as time.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trap myself within my own creation of time and thus trap myself within the consequence of my creation of time.  I have accepted time, allowed myself to integrate time within, as and around me, and then imprisoned myself within the layers of interpretations, assumptions, definitions, thoughts, memories, and reactions that I have made a relation to time with.  I have created my relationships with time and I have done this to myself alone.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up a fantasy within myself as my mind that I can escape time.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up fantasies within myself as my mind that I can escape consequence.
  • I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make up a fantasy within myself as my mind that time is magic and thus can be controlled by someone powerful and magical - and so, within my life, I have fantasized about becoming this powerful, magical being and directed myself within transcending what I viewed as a mundane existence so that I can control that which I perceive as controlling me and having more power than me.

It's becoming more and more clear how I am equal to everything that is here. I am clear on why, when I change, it must be a change that's best for all life.  It's not just words that I'm hearing, seeing, or writing for the sake of directing myself toward a way out within my fear that I've messed up and I see no other place to go.

When and as I have reactions, resistances, back-chat, and/or see myself placing love-hate/good-bad polarity values on time, I stop.  I breath. I slow myself and walk back through my reactions, resistances, back-chat, and polarity points - I commit myself to write out and self-forgive the reactions, resistances, back-chat and polarity points as I see that this is a way that works for me in my process of exposing myself and becoming clear.

When and as I see that I am either participating with an established relationship with time or creating a new relationship with time within myself as my mind, I stop.  I breath.  I stabilize myself. I slow myself down.  When and as I see an established relationship pattern within me, I direct myself to clear myself of the relationship by writing and self-forgiving the relationship and pattern.  When and as I see that I am participating within my pattern of creating new relationships within myself as my mind, I stop it. I breath. I do not allow myself to create any more relationships within and as me - I no longer require a point of blame or escape as I take responsibility for myself within and as what I have accepted and allowed and I commit myself to staying here, in the physical world as this is where I commit myself to discover the potential and stability of myself.

When and as I see that I am speeding up time within myself as my mind, I stop.  I breath. I re-direct myself to slow myself so that I do not miss points that come up within me nor give myself a back-door from which to be moving too fast to see how I am existing, how others outside of myself are existing, what I am accepting and allowing, and how I am showing myself via physical consequence what I have accepted and allowed.  I commit myself to be present and within this, direct myself to be clear, silent, and focused within communication and observation of/with others outside of myself and my world so that I understand and integrate within and as me how we function - I do this in breath and stopping my participation within myself as my mind's distractions and self-interests in moments when I am listening and seeing what others and my world are telling me about myself/themselves.

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