Day 4: My Pattern of Laziness

This morning I woke up early before anyone else in my house was awake.  Within me, I saw this as a perfect opportunity to work on my Desteni 'I' Process assignment.  As I lay there, completely aware and awake, I told myself that 'it is time to get up!' and after I said this inside myself, I felt that I did not want to move my body - my body was heavily nestled into bed and I did not respond physically to myself directing myself.  Again, I said, 'okay, serious now, I need to get up' and again, there was no physical indication to myself  as being connected to my body as I directed myself within my self-commitments.  I had to force and will myself out of bed.

What made this separation of myself from body obvious is that, typically, when I wake up, my body awakens before I, as my mind, do.  My pattern is to become restless and bored in my physical body while I wake up within my mind, looking for an escape inside of myself from which to avoid facing my day.

I commit myself to push through my resistance to prioritizing and getting important things done.  And because of that,  I am able to see a pattern of laziness and procrastination that I have allowed to become me. Further, I am seeing a physical consequence that I have created from allowing this pattern to exist within me.

The pattern: I do not want to get out of bed to face the reality of my life.  I do not want to have to clean, cook, do chores, take care of my commitments and responsibilities, write, self-forgive, work on my assignments nor do anything that requires me to give any part of myself or my efforts.  Instead, I want to go into my mind and within my thoughts, memories, anticipations, emotions, feelings, and fantasies.  From the outside, without considering what is really going on with me, I would have labeled this behavior as 'LAZY'.

The consequence: Because I have preferred and thus accepted and allowed myself to participate within myself as my mind and not within myself as my body in this physical reality, I do not have a connection with body.  Even when I was younger and participated in sports and physical activity, I was still in myself as my mind and not body - the proof of this is in my words when I have told myself, 'Mind over matter ...' and 'Ignore the pain ... go somewhere else.'.

• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have separated myself from myself as my physical body to such an extent that a force of will and exertion is required from within and as myself to get out of bed.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see the pattern that I have created within and as myself that I have labeled, defined, and accepted as 'lazy'.  
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself see, realize, and understand that I have defined and accepted the label of 'lazy' for a pattern that exists within myself as my participation within my mind, because I do not want to see  - I do not want to see, expose, nor admit that I prefer the fantasies that I've created within myself as the memories, pictures, thoughts, feelings and emotions that I have stored, for the specific use of escaping, hiding, and making it possible for me to be blind, within myself as my mind.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to prefer, want, and/or desire to participate within my memories, pictures, thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  I see clearly that I have never, truly wanted to participate within this reality as it is and that I do not want to give any of myself to anything or anyone outside of myself - I am not 'happy' with my life. I am not satisfied with my achievements.  I am not comfortable in my body.  I see that I have been dishonest with myself and others all along.  This is proven by my drive to escape from here and into myself as my mind where I play out fantasies and re-create 'not-so-happy' experiences in my past into new experiences where I am the winner, the hero, and satisfied.  I also see that within my embrace of myself existing within myself as my mind, that this is where I have created my multiple personalities which I will later use within my real, physical world as a test of survival.  I see that I keep the personalities that survive the test of my world as it exists and that I discard the personalities that do not get the results that I had anticipated or desired.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to be honest with myself about my real, actual standing within and on what is here:  This world is shit.  It is almost impossible to survive here.  Getting out of bed in the morning is a struggle.  I am fortunate to have a bed. I am fortunate to have food.  I see myself as powerless here - I cannot stop my struggle within this world, how am I going to stop the struggling of others?
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as powerless and unable to assist and support myself and others outside of myself.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to turn my back on this world, myself, and the others outside of myself within this world because I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that humanity will 'not make it here' and there is 'nothing we can do' and thus, programmed myself to pretend I do not care, pretend I do not have reactions to the suffering that I am seeing, turning myself off, looking away, and creating justifications and excuses from which I can live and communicate that I am not to blame and that those suffering have no one to blame but themselves.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a coward because of my fear of survival and within protecting my own self-interest as I fear that if I am loud and speak out against what I am seeing as abusive, wrong, and completely insane, that I will be punished or banished to a life of suffering.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up nor speak up when I could have and should have - I see that I have not allowed myself to stand up or speak up because of my self-allowed fear of retribution from those who I see as directing this world.  I fear those that move this world as it exists because I see them as more powerful than myself.  I have programmed this fear in me as a response to the experiences within past of being in physical pain at the hands of others to whom I have abdicated myself.  I have been shown, time and time again, that if I speak up and speak out that I will be hurt - physically, emotionally and/or mentally.  
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear those that lead, direct, and move this world.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear retribution from those that lead, direct, and move this world.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear speaking up and/or speaking out as myself because I have allowed myself to live in fear of retribution from those that lead, direct, and move this world.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that those who lead, direct and move this world are those that I have accepted and allowed to represent me.  The leaders of this world are a mirror reflection of myself.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that my fear of the leaders of this world is actually my fear of myself and what I am capable of if someone outside of myself stands up to or speaks out against the direction that I am moving and directing a group within and as.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remove those from my immediate reality who challenge me to face myself by facing me.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being hurt physically, emotionally, and/or mentally.  I realize that I must be cautious with my physical body within this world as it exists because I have allowed the abuse, killing, and insanity to exist and so I am living the consequence of my allowance that we can hurt each other physically.  I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to realize that no one outside of myself is responsible for my emotional and/or mental state of beingness - I am the one responsible for the shit that I've allowed to accumulate within me as my emotions and myself as my mind and I commit myself to cleaning up the mess that I have allowed to accumulate within and as me.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see myself as strong and able to stand for those who are not as fortunate as I am and have been.  I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to stand for myself in times of struggle, misfortune, and abuse.  I have purposely hidden my potential as a responsible and caring human being from myself and others.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that by creating distractions within myself as my mind as fantasies, stories, and interesting character personalities, that I am directly responsible, by my acceptance and allowance of these existing within me, for the distractions that exist in this world so that we may allow ourselves to not see what is here and to make it extremely easy to ignore.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to re-direct myself to be distracted and obsessed with my 'interests' and hobbies rather than using that time to learn how my world, this reality, and myself works.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted by and obsessed with how everything in this world appears to be rather than how it is, for real.  I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted, obsessed, and or consumed by the pretty, beautiful, and 'feel good' things that are here.  I see that I have wasted a lot of my life on pushing myself to be equal to the pretty, beautiful, and good things in life - things that I see with my eyes that are then interpreted by myself as my mind and thus, are of my mind and so I am not seeing these things as they actually exist - I see my world as an interpretation or an assumption that I have pre-programmed for myself so that I do not have to see what is here, as it is, in the physical, for real.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware of myself as my physical body nor accepting and allowing myself to connect with my body.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be distracted by labels, art, and deceptive advertised contents within the food I place within my body rather than investigating what my body actually requires to function at it's absolute best.
• I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to willingly give of myself, as my whole self, to my commitments and responsibilities.  I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to willingly give myself, as my whole self, to myself as my mind within thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, fears, reactions, personality creation, resistance, and distraction so that I do not have self-commit and self-direct and thus be absolutely, 100% responsible for the consequences of my choices that I have made in my self-interest.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pre-program myself to respond to and soothe myself within physical discomfort with the following inner and outer dialogue: Mind over matter, ignore the pain, go somewhere else.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to retreat within myself as my mind when my body is in pain - I see that this is another way that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body - in this case, because I fear pain.
• I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear pain within my physical body and thus ignore the pain and place myself within myself as my mind where I tell myself that I am greater than the pain. I see that my acceptance and allowance of this separation is reflected back to me within my separation from the pain and suffering in this world outside of my physical body - I fear the pain in the world and I fear for the world.  As a reaction to this fear, I either ignore it or I place myself as better so that I may justify and/or deny my ignorance and helplessness.

The correction I see for myself is:

When and as I see myself retreating into myself as my mind from my accepted and allowed realities of my life and my world, I stop. I breath and place both of my feet firmly on the floor.  I see that my acceptance and allowance of myself as a participant within a self-created fantasy world has done nothing and fixed nothing - it is pointless to do this.  Further, by existing within all that I've created within my mind, I have purposely separated myself from my physical body.  I commit myself to stopping my participation within myself as my mind within my writing and my self-forgiveness. 

When and as I see myself defining a pattern of behavior that exists within and as me, as a word that I use but have not considered nor investigated the meaning of, I stop.  I breath.  I direct myself to open myself up to myself and within this opening process, I expand the pattern that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and participate within my world as.  I no longer accept one word, simple terms, definitions, nor labels for what I am.  I commit myself to expanding the awareness of myself by writing the details of myself for and to myself.

When and as I see a personality existing within and as me as a response to my accepted and allowed pre-programmed fear of survival, I stop. I breath. I direct myself to grasp the personality and walk through the process from which I created the personality.  I commit myself to identify and expose to myself the personalities that I have created within myself as my mind.  I commit myself to determine if a personality that I discover within and as myself is what is best for all.  When and as I see that a personality exists within and as me that is not best for all, I commit myself to directing myself to write out the personality and to speak the self-forgiveness for the personality.

When and as I see myself as powerless, fearful, and/or a victim to the system, I stop. I breath.  I realize that the system exists because I have accepted and allowed it to exist. I realize that powerlessness, fearfulness, and victimization exists because I have accepted and allowed it to exist as well.  I commit myself to taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to exist and fear within myself and my world.  I realize that weakness, fearfulness, and blame are also back doors that I have created for when I come face-to-face with resistance.  I commit myself to removing powerlessness, fearfulness, and blame from my beingness through writing and self-forgiveness so that I can be free and/or see who I am when it is done.

When and as I see that I am resisting investigating the food, chemicals, substances, and drugs that put inside my body, I stop.  I direct myself to investigate the food, chemicals, substances, and drugs that I swallow, breath, and absorb into my physical body.  Because I see that I have completely separated myself from my physical body, I see that the process of discovery of what I need as my body is going to take time.  I direct myself to set aside time to study my body and how I physically function.  I commit myself to expanding my understanding of myself as my physical body in later writing and self-forgiveness.