Day 54: I Am More - More Than You (Cont.)

This blog entry is a continuation of Day 53: I Am More - More Than You, Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-Correction,  Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued, Day 50: I Am Above This, Day 49: I Am Perfect, and Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat of, 'I deserve this more than you because I did more than you and thus I am more important than you,' to exist within and as me. I have not see, realized, nor understood that this is myself communicating to myself about myself in separation from myself where I projected myself on to others - what I am in fact telling myself is that I do not deserve more than others because I did not do the work and thus I am not important.  Instead of being honest with myself about how I really see myself negatively as less, I went to the positive polarity opposite and told myself I am more as this is how I maintained my satisfaction and comfort-ability with myself and thus trapping myself in a cycle of deception where I did not allow myself to see how I see myself for real because when I was learning how to survive my world, I saw, gave-in, and thus accepted that we human beings must see ourselves in a 'positive light' or we will be discarded, replaced, and/or rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself physically as being 'more' by lifting my chin up, turning my nose up, and not looking at others as if to pretend they do not exist within my world where I will also turn my eyes up and go into the 'fuzzy' place in my mind where I wait for the moments with others to be over.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this being 'upward' communicates the truth of myself to others that I only care about myself, do not want to see and/or understand others and I want to exists within my very own world and my very own bubble - within this physical expression I have been labeled a 'snob', a 'brat', 'spoiled', a 'baby', and/or 'princess'.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'enjoy'/take pleasure from these labels because I see/saw them as making me special, better, different, and more than others which in turn, gave me permission to act out my meaning/definitions/interpretations of these characters.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself that I become the Character That Is More Than You because I fear others - I have told myself that I can keep others from 'bothering' me, bullying me, challenging me, harassing me, embarrassing me, talking 'crap' about me, and at a 'safe' distance from me if I present myself as a person that is more than others within the reasoning that if one is more, one has control of themselves, others, and one's environment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see myself as a child - before I began to develop my Character That is More Than You - where my starting point was wanting, craving, and desiring attention from others and within this, I would bother, bully, challenge, harass, embarrass, and talk crap to others to get others attention - at the time, I did not realize that this behavior had negative meaning to the others in my life - all that I knew is that it got me attention and so I kept doing it until others became angry, annoyed, told me to go away, ignored me, and/or 'shut me out/off/down'.  I have not seen, until now, that this is where I learned to shut out others that I was uncomfortable with - and additionally, I had reasoned within myself that I/others would get 'shut out' if I/others were less than and not seen as important.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop, practice, and become my Character That Is More Than You when I was 7 years old where when I was around others that I saw as more than myself that I wanted attention from and yet I was fearful of because I saw myself as less than, I would make up stories of my greatness, how I did not need anyone, and how all of my dreams were coming true and I then paired this with dramatic charisma that I had learned from others in my world and the television - and it worked.  I went from having no friends to being accepted.  And from here, I continued to develop and 'tweak' the character and hid within this character until I got to high school and the character no longer 'worked' as 'The Rules' changed.

Self-Correction to follow in my next entry.

Day 53: I Am More - More Than You

The Religion of $elf By Andrew Gable

This blog entry is a continuation of Day 52: I Am Above This - Continued - Self-Correction,  Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued, Day 50: I Am Above This, Day 49: I Am Perfect, and Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as more than others - more important, more worthy, more able, more responsible, more knowledgeable, more insightful, more in-control, more of a person ... and the list goes on and on...  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that the MORE-NESS I experience is actually a compensation for the LESS-NESS that I accept and allow to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positive meaning and feeling experience to the word 'MORE' and a negative meaning and emotional experience to the word 'LESS'.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a neutral meaning to the words 'More-Or-Less' as a means to balance myself out from the negative to positive, to not commit myself to any one answer, to take the 'middle road', and to abdicate myself.   Instead of seeing myself within this polarity cycle and thus assisting and supporting myself to free myself from this cycle, I chose to not see it because the rewards I get from being/having MORE, feeds my Ego, confirms myself as being 'better' within my mind, allows me to experience myself with pride for accomplishing something, and gives me another dit-mark on my competition score board.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that to experience 'MORE' and the rewards promised by having more, that I first have to experience myself as and/or having less. I have locked myself in a continuous cycles of ups/downs and highs/lows with my neutral balancing experiences of Faith and Hope that I will once again experience MORE-NESS.

I forgive myself that my acceptance and allowance of wanting/being/becoming/doing/see myself as/others seeing me as more has made me into the PERFECT CONSUMER and thus the PERFECT SLAVE.  Because I have agreed and bought into the wanting, desiring, and needing for more, I have LESS - less time with my family, less time to realize myself, less money, less rest, less time to consider the needs of others in my world, and less time to consider a solution for any of these - I have not seen this because I have been consumed with getting more to compensate for the moments of less - where in order to have 'more', I must work 'more' and so work becomes more and life becomes less.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how this more and less relationship functions within and as my physical world - where the more we take from our world, the less we have, and thus the more we need it.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that because I accept and allow a more and/or less experience to exist within and as me, it will exist within and as my world - and if I do not see it in myself then I will not see it in my world.  So when we are taking more substance from our physical world, we are diminishing this substance to less and because we are consumed with getting more, and more, and MORE ... and because each do not consider giving back what we've been given, we are not able to stabilize and/or equalize our physical world substance nor ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that at a very early age I allowed myself to be programmed to become the perfect consumer and the perfect slave - I did not see, realize, understand nor for one moment question this because this is the world that I was raised in - I watched others within my immediate world, others outside, and the continual flow from media that showed me that this is what existence is:  We work, we eat, we have fun on the weekends, we have sex, we go to the bathroom, and some of us may be more lucky than others to have a family - I accepted this as Living and thus allowed myself to make this my Life as it was easier to follow my pre-programming rather than to stand by myself within and as myself, frustrated/angry/shocked, shaking my head and saying, 'There must be a better way ..."

 Continued in next entry.

Day 52: I Am Above This – Continued – Self-Correction

 

This unpublished blog entry is a continuation of Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued, Day 50: I Am Above This, Day 49: I Am Perfect, and Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person - This Self-Correction entry is being shared in private.

Day 51: I Am Above This - Continued

This unpublished blog entry is a continuation of Day 50: I Am Above This, Day 49: I Am Perfect, and Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person - This entry is being shared in private.

Day 50: I Am Above This

ART By Jessie Arias

"You're higher than the rest of us."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to hearing, "You're higher than the rest of us," from another outside of myself.  I am reacting to this statement because I, in fact, have placed myself as 'higher' than others from a point of survival - survival of my physical self in in the world system of money and survival of myself as a mind to maintain my 'sanity' as I have told myself that if I were to be/become the 'lesser', that others would see me as a stupid and a failure within a world where 'opportunity is everywhere and that one only needs to be smart, focused, committed, driven, and willing to do the work to get higher'.  I have told myself and shown myself that if I do not apply myself within this world system of money that I will end up as insane 'bum' on the street.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as higher within myself as my mind from a point of fear - where if I do not place myself above others, that I could potentially become others - ANY others, including an 'insane bum on the street' which is real fuckin' scarey to me.  I have not been honest with myself that I fear others lives becoming my own life because I do not see myself as being able to 'manage'/control the lives of others as myself.  And thus, instead of taking responsibility for my fear that other could 'infect' me with their lives, their drama, their problems, and/or their idiocy, it was easier for me to separate myself from others and place myself as 'higher'/'above'/better/MORE than others and distract myself with my 'higher purpose' rather than allowing myself to be/as/with/equal-to and one with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to roll my eyes/flutter my eyes in annoyance/exasperation, shake my head, and physically 'shut myself off' from others via blank-staring expressions, turning my lips downward in disappointment, and/or walking away in 'disbelief' of others.  I have not seen how this physical behavior is CLEARLY demonstrating/speaking my true nature which is essentially a person who sees themselves as 'above all of this' and 'not connected to it in anyway'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat, "Really ... I seriously cannot believe how stupid people are ..." and "if it were ME, I would have done <this> ... (insert Perfect Solution Personality)," to exist within and as me.  I have not allowed myself to slow myself to see that is me communicating to me how I would see myself in a similar situation - I would tell myself that I am stupid, that I failed, I am 'less than' others and that I can do 'better than that' and within not seeing this, I was also not allowing myself to see that this is myself not only judging myself but putting myself in direct competition/conflict with myself.

I commit myself to placing myself within and as others - and from within and as others, I commit myself to working with what I'm seeing/hearing within/from/as what is best for us all.

I commit myself to giving to others what I want for myself which is compassion, hearing, understanding, togetherness, and standing - standing for others when and as they are unable to stand for themselves and/or compromising themselves and within this, to give as I have been given.

I commit myself to stopping the separation that I've created as a barrier between others and myself for/because of/from fear - When and as I see myself separating myself from others, I stop and I breath through the fear as I see, realize, and understand that this is my mind's way of keeping me from realizing who I am as equality and oneness.  I assist and support myself with writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction and agreements with myself that I can commit to for change.

I commit myself to ending my competition-conflict relationship with myself by breathing, assisting and supporting myself with self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitments as I see, realize, and understand that it is a pattern of mine that I must break-free from in order to focus on what's really here - additionally, if I am to end the abuse of myself and others within the external world system of money, I must end the abuse of myself and others within my internal system of energy creation.

Day 49: I Am Perfect

This blog is a continuation of Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

ART by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

"You're perfect."

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to react to hearing, "You're perfect ..." from another outside of myself by shaking my head, pushing my eyebrows together with concern and saying, "No! No, that's not cool.  That's not true at all.  I am NOT perfect." and then within myself as back-chat, I tell myself that I've messed up and look for a quick way out within the information and knowledge that I've accumulated to come up with an answer that's going to 'fix it'.  I have not allowed myself to see this is me judging myself and then defending myself with information and knowledge. Additionally, from and as a point of defense, I will become the Calm-Wise-Stable-Guru Character that smiles and speaks slowly and softly to gently guide whom I am communicating with toward the point by speaking accumulated information and knowledge because I have not stood equal and one with the point.

I commit myself to breathing and hearing when I am in communication with another about a point that I have not investigated within/as myself as I see, realize, and understand that it is not required for me to defend myself but rather that I require of myself to understand myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the back-chat of 'I messed up' to exist within and as me.  When I say, "I messed up," I am actually saying, "I failed," and thus not taking responsibility for my mistake because when I say 'I messed up'/'I failed', I stop investigating myself and do not work out a solution for myself for when and as the same point comes up for myself in the future.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and be honest with myself that when, instead, I say, "I made a mistake ..." that I will immediately go into a problem-solving process to assist myself from making the same mistake in the future.

I commit myself to removing my relationship that I've created within and as myself as 'A Mess-Up' where I no longer accept nor allow myself to use the excuse 'I Messed Up' and instead see, realize, and understand that I have simply made 'A Mistake' and mistakes can be corrected with practical, common-sense solutions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to go back into my memory and see where my reaction and conflict with hearing, "You're perfect," originated from.  Because between 6 and 12 years old, I would have wanted to hear that I am perfect as hearing it from outside of myself would have given me sooooooo much comfort as I learned, prior to these ages, how imperfect I was from my world and this shocked me as I saw myself as perfect.  I was AWESOME. However, when the world told me, over-and-over again how imperfect I was, I changed myself to prove that this wasn't true about me and thus, I looked outside of myself for confirmation that I made the correct changes and that I could/would now be seen as perfect.  What I did not/have not allow myself to see is that after the age of 12, I accepted and allowed the nasty spoken back-chat from others that said, "Oh. Look at her.  She thinks she's SOOOOOOO perfect ..." and within accepting and allowing that, adopted it within/as myself as a jealousy relationship and thus attached a negative meaning to the word, 'Perfect'.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a positivity as: I AM AWESOME, a negativity as SPITE and JEALOUSY, and a neutrality as WAITING FOR CONFIRMATION to the word, 'PERFECT'.

I commit myself to simply being who I am and within that, keeping what's best for myself as/for all as Life and removing what's NOT best for myself as/for all as Life so that I can be someone that -I- accept and enjoy being with.

Day 48: I Am The Bigger Person

 

Withing my world, I'm hearing:
"You're perfect."
"You're higher than the rest of us."
"You're the bigger person."
"You are more.  More than us."
"Nothing you do is wrong."

I say, "No, no, no.  This is not how I want you to see me.  This is not my objective.  That is not cool at all." And within me I say, "This sucks - crap.  Where am I messing up here - I do not want this person to feel as though I am better than them because I've been there all of my life within that trap of seeing others as better than myself - please don't see me like that ..."

I'm taking it personal.  I'm even hearing spite resonating with the words as their spoken from others - spite mixed with honesty.  And it's that honesty that my Ego picks up on and I breath, smile, and within that honesty I experience a positive success and then use that energy within my communication that follows to cover-up and/or ignore the negativity.

We all want to be seen as a positive personality that is 'doing the best thing' and I don't like it when the truth of myself and my application is reflected back at me as honest spite.  To test this, I looked at myself and saw myself as separate from the others in my life - I've been in conflict everywhere in my life and the picture of myself that I see within my mind is outside of the group.  As the negative, I see myself firmly standing with my arms crossing my body and my foot tapping impatiently.  As the positive, I see myself with my arms open and myself saying, "Come here.  Communicate with me.  Let's work this out." And as the neutral, I see myself distracting myself with work or what's within my physical environment while I wait for them to 'come around'.  When I put my Ego into the picture equation, I am suddenly MUCH bigger than everyone else - am a giant, I am God-Like, I am a guru waiting for the flock to come into my arms where I embrace them all motherly and lovingly 'show them the way' ... and we all live happily ever after.

In my real, physical world I am seeing frustration, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, and anger.  I see heads shaking.  I hear of others being scared of me and see those others lingering around corners watching me like I watched others when I was experiencing myself as small and powerless - wanting to understand and 'help' but afraid to get caught in the cross-fire.

Continuing writing in the next post.