Discovering that someone is not who I thought they were - that they have been doing things for many years that are outside of our agreement and commitments has been a shock. I placed my trust in this person and so placed myself in them. As the lies have been unfolding, I have found that I have this experience of being destroyed - wasted. When the thoughts come up about what I know and what I might not know, I have been reacting to them with this overwhelming sense of loss of self. I think, "How could I have been so stupid?", "Why did they do this to me?", "I'm such a loser,", "They did this because I am not good enough for them,", "There is too much wrong with me physically - I am flawed," and "What am I going to do with myself now that I am like this?"
My world and the life that I built is falling apart - something that I did not see was possible for me as I saw myself as stronger than that, that I am beyond that, that I am the one one that would always be in control of me and my life - no matter what happened. I have had this belief that if I had myself that I could weather anything.
I have been fortunate to have an unlimited and unconditional amount of support in this process of my life falling apart. Probably the best suggestion I was given was to breath - to hold the in-breath and realize - this is me, this is my life force, and I am still here, regardless of the external loss. I have also been fortunate to have my child and my dog here and a friend suggested that I hug them when the emotions come up - this has assisted me to stay grounded and to not get lost in everything going on. Seriously, I cannot imagine having to sort through this without that physical support from these two.
One of the most profound realizations I have had along the way is that the 'life' I built was actually an illusion that I created from fear of losing a relationship or who I was or wanted to be in the relationship. I saw that in the beginning of the relationship that there was a part of myself that I really liked - but overtime, I was no longer able to connect with that self and so I was clinging to the memory of the 'way things used to be' in hopes that I could somehow get that experience of myself back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself as my trust to another.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself when things didn't 'add up', didn't make sense, or what I was seeing and what I was hearing was unaligned. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-doubt and to not listen to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into physical shock when faced with all of the delusions that I have allowed, accepted, perpetuated, and supported - and created.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my delusions/illusions coming down as something bad or destructive - I realize that I saw the process in this way because I did not want to let go of the illusion and that I was in, I did not want to give up hope, I did not want to change, I did not want to let go, and I have had a paralyzing fear of the unknown - I mean, who/what/where would I be if I no longer had all of that?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and keep myself locked in to a way that of being that was perhaps not what was best from fear of loss of self and fear of the unknown.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the gift of betrayal - if the lie I was living had not been exposed and if I had not been faced with the extent that I had put my trust in something or someone outside of myself, I would still be living in a bubble of constant paranoia and self-doubt and making up stories to make myself 'okay' with all that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to loss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the loss of my hopes and beliefs about myself, the loss of how I saw my life playing out, the loss of the future I had planned for myself, and the loss of who/what/where and with whom I would be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "How could I have been so stupid?" - and creating this self-judgement as an excuse to go into blame and self-victimization and thus justify and pave the way for me to go into despair, sadness, depression, and feeling bad for myself rather than breathing, remaining here, and seeing the situation in a self-honest and realistic way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "How could they do this to me?" and giving myself over to this thought with negative experiences instead of seeing that blame and how I have been using the blame as a vehicle for allowing myself to be the victim instead of being the one here standing in awareness of how this blame and self-victimization is self-defeating and gets me no where. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that it is my strength, life force and commitment to creating a better life for myself that I will actually get me out of the mess I have created and ensure that I do not repeat the same mistakes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the negative thought that "I am a loser" and to see this as me sucking at life and having very little value. Instead of seeing that, yes, I am a 'loser' within the context that I have experienced a loss and it doesn't necessarily mean that something with wrong me and rather that I have some adjustments to make with my awareness, my self-relationship and how I direct myself externally physically.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the belief that I must not have been good enough for another and because of not being good enough is why I was betrayed - not seeing, realizing, considering, and understanding that it was not likely the best match - or it was at sometime and not anymore - we all meet up, are sometimes with each other for some time, and ultimately always move on.
Further, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into taking all of this personally and assuming that there is something wrong with me when something doesn't work out - I realize that I have been misinterpreting the information and the self-communication - having been connecting polarity definitions and meanings to what's coming up which has been clouding my ability to see clearly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into the thought/idea/belief that many of the issues that I face in my life are because there is something wrong with me physically and because I am flawed physically - and allowing and going into complacency with that rather than seeing where this stuff comes from and if it's actually relevant or changeable. I mean, when I look at it now and see where these ideas come from and that they have come from fear, there's some comedy here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the thought, "What am I going to do now?" and within this, having a lost and insecure experience because I have been panicking in situations that aren't known, are unplanned, or are unpredictable. Had I had been hearing myself instead of reacting and in fear, I would have heard myself clearly asking myself, "Okay. So. What AM I going to do? How will I be changing here? How will I be building a new life that's real and not fiction?"
I commit myself to no longer allow myself to place myself as trust in an external source and instead bringing trust back to myself by committing myself to a working relationship with self where I hear myself, stop doubting my ability to see, and stop doubting my awareness. When and as questions and inconsistencies come up or I am seeing a pattern that aligns with specific information that looks as though it requires adjustment, I stop and breath. I let go of any energetic reactions, definitions, connections, and fears that I have attached to what is coming up and hear myself communicating with myself without the polarity. I allow myself the space and time required to work it out for myself. I realize that I do not have all of the answers, however, I commit myself to living a real life and not one that I have reasoned or contrived in my mind because I did not yet have the understanding or clear direction. I will be patient with myself.
I commit myself to assist and support my physical body with not going into shock as I make a transition from my 'old life' and into a 'new life' by breathing, staying physical, and reminding myself that the life I am letting go of was only a really good story and my future that I had planned was a brilliant idea - mostly all of it was made up in my mind - conflicting, confusing, and trying to physically conform to the story I had made up. It was a big CON. I allow myself to breath, let go, and walk into the unknown - here using the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to support me.
I commit myself to no longer allow the definitions I have connected to information to influence my ability to see clearly and communicate with myself without polarity by breathing, stopping, and redirecting myself to look beyond the meanings I have connected to what's coming up - here, I will say the words within myself as self - slowly, clearly, and with my sound - and take a look at what's being communicated and within awareness, decide how to respond.
I commit myself to stop going into all these thoughts that I have about myself in a negative, self-defeating way. When and as the thoughts come up, I stop, breath, and center myself. I remind myself of my self-commitment to establish self-trust with self-communication and hear myself with sound stability. Here, I commit myself to practice this stopping, breathing, sounding, hearing, and responding in awareness until it becomes me.
I have been fortunate to have an unlimited and unconditional amount of support in this process of my life falling apart. Probably the best suggestion I was given was to breath - to hold the in-breath and realize - this is me, this is my life force, and I am still here, regardless of the external loss. I have also been fortunate to have my child and my dog here and a friend suggested that I hug them when the emotions come up - this has assisted me to stay grounded and to not get lost in everything going on. Seriously, I cannot imagine having to sort through this without that physical support from these two.
One of the most profound realizations I have had along the way is that the 'life' I built was actually an illusion that I created from fear of losing a relationship or who I was or wanted to be in the relationship. I saw that in the beginning of the relationship that there was a part of myself that I really liked - but overtime, I was no longer able to connect with that self and so I was clinging to the memory of the 'way things used to be' in hopes that I could somehow get that experience of myself back.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself as my trust to another.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself when things didn't 'add up', didn't make sense, or what I was seeing and what I was hearing was unaligned. Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-doubt and to not listen to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into physical shock when faced with all of the delusions that I have allowed, accepted, perpetuated, and supported - and created.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my delusions/illusions coming down as something bad or destructive - I realize that I saw the process in this way because I did not want to let go of the illusion and that I was in, I did not want to give up hope, I did not want to change, I did not want to let go, and I have had a paralyzing fear of the unknown - I mean, who/what/where would I be if I no longer had all of that?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and keep myself locked in to a way that of being that was perhaps not what was best from fear of loss of self and fear of the unknown.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the gift of betrayal - if the lie I was living had not been exposed and if I had not been faced with the extent that I had put my trust in something or someone outside of myself, I would still be living in a bubble of constant paranoia and self-doubt and making up stories to make myself 'okay' with all that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to loss.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the loss of my hopes and beliefs about myself, the loss of how I saw my life playing out, the loss of the future I had planned for myself, and the loss of who/what/where and with whom I would be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "How could I have been so stupid?" - and creating this self-judgement as an excuse to go into blame and self-victimization and thus justify and pave the way for me to go into despair, sadness, depression, and feeling bad for myself rather than breathing, remaining here, and seeing the situation in a self-honest and realistic way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "How could they do this to me?" and giving myself over to this thought with negative experiences instead of seeing that blame and how I have been using the blame as a vehicle for allowing myself to be the victim instead of being the one here standing in awareness of how this blame and self-victimization is self-defeating and gets me no where. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that it is my strength, life force and commitment to creating a better life for myself that I will actually get me out of the mess I have created and ensure that I do not repeat the same mistakes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the negative thought that "I am a loser" and to see this as me sucking at life and having very little value. Instead of seeing that, yes, I am a 'loser' within the context that I have experienced a loss and it doesn't necessarily mean that something with wrong me and rather that I have some adjustments to make with my awareness, my self-relationship and how I direct myself externally physically.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the belief that I must not have been good enough for another and because of not being good enough is why I was betrayed - not seeing, realizing, considering, and understanding that it was not likely the best match - or it was at sometime and not anymore - we all meet up, are sometimes with each other for some time, and ultimately always move on.
Further, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into taking all of this personally and assuming that there is something wrong with me when something doesn't work out - I realize that I have been misinterpreting the information and the self-communication - having been connecting polarity definitions and meanings to what's coming up which has been clouding my ability to see clearly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into the thought/idea/belief that many of the issues that I face in my life are because there is something wrong with me physically and because I am flawed physically - and allowing and going into complacency with that rather than seeing where this stuff comes from and if it's actually relevant or changeable. I mean, when I look at it now and see where these ideas come from and that they have come from fear, there's some comedy here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the thought, "What am I going to do now?" and within this, having a lost and insecure experience because I have been panicking in situations that aren't known, are unplanned, or are unpredictable. Had I had been hearing myself instead of reacting and in fear, I would have heard myself clearly asking myself, "Okay. So. What AM I going to do? How will I be changing here? How will I be building a new life that's real and not fiction?"
I commit myself to no longer allow myself to place myself as trust in an external source and instead bringing trust back to myself by committing myself to a working relationship with self where I hear myself, stop doubting my ability to see, and stop doubting my awareness. When and as questions and inconsistencies come up or I am seeing a pattern that aligns with specific information that looks as though it requires adjustment, I stop and breath. I let go of any energetic reactions, definitions, connections, and fears that I have attached to what is coming up and hear myself communicating with myself without the polarity. I allow myself the space and time required to work it out for myself. I realize that I do not have all of the answers, however, I commit myself to living a real life and not one that I have reasoned or contrived in my mind because I did not yet have the understanding or clear direction. I will be patient with myself.
I commit myself to assist and support my physical body with not going into shock as I make a transition from my 'old life' and into a 'new life' by breathing, staying physical, and reminding myself that the life I am letting go of was only a really good story and my future that I had planned was a brilliant idea - mostly all of it was made up in my mind - conflicting, confusing, and trying to physically conform to the story I had made up. It was a big CON. I allow myself to breath, let go, and walk into the unknown - here using the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to support me.
I commit myself to no longer allow the definitions I have connected to information to influence my ability to see clearly and communicate with myself without polarity by breathing, stopping, and redirecting myself to look beyond the meanings I have connected to what's coming up - here, I will say the words within myself as self - slowly, clearly, and with my sound - and take a look at what's being communicated and within awareness, decide how to respond.
I commit myself to stop going into all these thoughts that I have about myself in a negative, self-defeating way. When and as the thoughts come up, I stop, breath, and center myself. I remind myself of my self-commitment to establish self-trust with self-communication and hear myself with sound stability. Here, I commit myself to practice this stopping, breathing, sounding, hearing, and responding in awareness until it becomes me.
