Day 223: But I'm The Victim ... Right?

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Day 222: My God ... these lies - Part 2

This blog is the self-application and self-commitment part of my writing and self-forgiveness process from my previous blog post Day 221: My God ... these lies.

I commit myself to stopping myself from reacting in shock when and as I am faced with lies in regards to the lies I tell myself/told myself and the lies that I am or have been told by when and as I am faced with and/and or hearing lies, I stop and breath until the energy dissipates.  I realize that through the years that I have created an automatic physical response to information that doesn't align or match a pattern - that I have automatically been going into fear and within this, injecting myself with adrenaline which makes the experience shocking.  So, by breathing, regulating my physical body, and not going into the fear thoughts that are coming up, I commit myself to gradually stop this automatic physical response and thus stop shocking myself.

I commit myself to being aware that the external lies that I am hearing/seeing are not personal and remind myself that what I am hearing/seeing is self-deception being externalized.  And within this, I commit myself to when and as I hear/see something that doesn't align, doesn't fit a pattern, and/or is intentionally/unintentionally deceptive - and when I react to it - to breath and mirror it back to myself to support myself to see where I exist within the lie and where it exists within me.

I commit myself to handle the truth of myself and within this, I commit myself to be consistent and disciplined with writing and self-forgiving and thus stop myself from attempting to shut down self-awareness.

I commit myself to utilizing anger as a flag-point for when I am not or have not been self-honest with myself. So, in relation to lies, I commit myself to when and as I am hearing/seeing something that I perceive in my mind as wrong or something that 'people just aren't supposed to do', I will re-direct myself to investigate and deconstruct my belief system.

I commit myself to no longer expect that others purify themselves of lies.  And within this, I commit myself to purify myself of lies through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-application.  I take responsibility for my transgressions and stop going into stories that I have made up and stop creating new stories as a way of covering up or attempting to save face from what I have accepted and allowed of myself to do/be/become.  By living this commitment, I will know that I can trust myself and be honest with myself and others.

And so...

I commit myself to stop judging myself for the decisions and actions made and to thus stop threatening myself with imaginations of what would happen if 'anyone finds out'. Instead of judging, threatening, and punishing, I will write it all out, self-forgive myself, self-correct.  So, when this stuff comes up in a given moment, I stop, breath, and remind myself to stop torturing myself as this mind behavior hasn't ever kept me from making decisions that aren't best and has never changed me - in-fact, I realize that it actually triggers and perpetuates existing patterns.

I will utilize my commitments here to support myself to stop my reactions to external information and to stop reactions to the internal information that exists within me as my secret mind.

I commit myself to not go into the temptation of confessing or  'spilling my secrets' to an external source by when and as the urge comes up, I stop, breath, remind myself that what I want - to be able to confess in a safe, solid, and stable 'environment' - can only be done with myself with writing and self-forgiveness.  I realize that the idea of external forgiveness is not realistic.

Day 221: My God ... these lies

The extent of the lying that I have been faced with over the past weeks has blown me out of the water.  In my mind, I can't even process it.  I don't have the words ... alls I can say is, 'my god .. oh my fucking god..' I mean, I -really- have not liked taking this point on at all. And I get so angry and have just really wanted to project that anger and blame onto someone else.  In awareness, though, I'm here reminding myself of the truth of myself.  Face it Carrie. You have been a liar.

In the past, I have said whatever I have to say in order to not be found out. I have been spinning stories, embellishing, twisting facts, and intentionally withholding information - all of this to save myself, to safe face, or to keep things from changing in a way that I would not like.  I have seen my lies as worse than any that have been told to me.  And it hasn't been just 'then' ... the temptation to lie comes up - it's like, right there, alls I have to do is follow the words - follow the story that I have previously concocted in my mind during imaginary roleplaying.

Predominately, I have found ... and here's the kicker ... that I dislike holding onto secrets.  I want to just spill it, be done with it, and move on.  However, reality has shown that this can be damaging - to oneself and others.  A predicament.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shock when I have been faced with lies - as if it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to see lies as something that are happening to me instead of seeing that lying is actually something I have done quite often - it is not something that happens to me, it exists within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see my inability to handle the truth of myself in the very way that my mind cannot accept or come to terms with lies.  I have not noticed how I have been shutting down self-awareness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to utilize anger as a red-flag for when I'm not being self-honest and have been instead automatically projecting it onto others as something they are doing wrong.  And within this, not seeing, realizing, or allowing myself to get into understanding the belief system that I've created about what I'm hearing/seeing as 'wrong'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as doing wrong things and within this, to threaten myself with imaginations of what would happen if  'anyone finds out'.  Instead of coming clean with myself, letting go, and seeing that I made a mistake that would best not be repeated, I have been holding on to these things and torturing myself with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my internal information - and the things that go in in my secret mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that 'spilling my secrets' clear me of responsibility because I 'told the truth' and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this idea that if I tell everything that  have done and talk about the secret life I have created for myself in mind, that I am absolved of consequence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see my desire/impulse to externalize my confessions instead of confessing to myself with self-forgiveness - and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be SELF-HONEST instead of HONEST.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask myself, "Who am I within the lies and who would I like to be - what is best for me to be?"

I started writing this blog a couple of weeks ago and it looks 'light' to me.  Like, the self-forgiveness here doesn't even begin to cut into the anger and hurt that I am experiencing due to being repeatedly and intensely lied to over the past two months and beyond that ... the drawn out lies through the years.

Day 220: Betrayed - One Gift

One of the coolest things I've seen in myself within this all is how Resourceful I am.  As I have walked my relationship with another and not gotten what I saw that I needed, I would find ways to give what I want or need to myself.  So, as I expressed what I wanted or needed and my partner was not able to give, I found creative ways to be satisfied with myself.  If I was wanting to be physical, I would work out . If I wanted to communicate with others, I would find people to communicate.  If I wanted to go out and do things with others, I would make friends. With time, I was able to give myself almost everything. In a way, I see it as a challenge or something new that has yet to be discovered, like, "I want this. I need this. How can I go about getting this? Just how creative can I get here?"

So, when the point came up of walking a betrayal situation and deciding that enough is enough, I was fully equipped.  Because I had given myself so much already, the transition was very quick and smooth.  In my previous blogs, I have gone into how my life fell apart - and even though there was a part of me that was in fear of the change and the unknown, there was more of me that was stable, solid, and automatically aware of what needed to be done and finding creative ways to do it.  For the things that I didn't know how to deal with - the stuff that was coming up in my mind, the overwhelming emotions, and the intense shock of the situation, I had support.  For anyone - no matter what situation you are facing - see, you do not have to do this alone. There are people here that can very effectively assist you.

 My message here is: When, if, or as you find that you are not satisfied with your situation, look for an test out ways of giving yourself that satisfaction.  Be creative. Enjoy the process. Make it a game if you will.  I mean, in the end, when it comes down to it, our lives can change in any given moment ... we can in-fact lose everything outside of ourselves and be left with only ourselves.  Doesn't it make sense to start doing and giving things for oneself now? The more we do things, the more automatic they become. Prepare yourself.

Day 219: Betrayed - Understanding: Q&A

So, my questions have been: How could this happen?  How could someone that I trust do something that I see as damaging and highly consequential? And why did they not consider me and the life we built together - doesn't all of that time and work on the relationship mean something?

As I have been answering these questions over the past few days, some things have become clear.  First, what has happened was not personal.  Second, for many of us, the world is like an all access buffet that's a click or a message away - in fact, I have found that it takes a great amount of willpower to refrain from indulging.  Myself, I have principles that assist with my decision making process but for the many, this is not the case.  And without these principles - respect, honor, and integrity - it is very easy to go from one self-interest to another and not consider the consequences or the ripples that are being created.  Third, in regards to interests of a sexual nature, we get turned on - like a switch, and in that moment have the tendency to make decisions that we might not have made if we were in our 'right mind'.

My answers to my questions are thus:
This happens because it happens.  Again, it had nothing to do with me on a personal level.  It was something this person did because it may have been fun, exciting, or felt good at the time.  And in a world where things are shit, it's understandable how another would want that moment of feeling better about themselves.  Obviously, it is no way a permanent solution but it is understandable.

I have had the tendency to make moral judgment calls. For myself, I have utilized consequence or potential consequence as a way to keep myself in-check.  What I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand is that I cannot hold others to my way of doing things - what is clear to me may not be so clear to another.  And the truth of the matter is that I have done some things that aren't what's best and fell many times before deciding for myself what works for me, what doesn't work for me, what I can live with, and what I cannot live with - if I had not been allowed to make mistakes, I would not be where I am today.

In other words: we have to allow each other to make mistakes, be there as a point of support if possible, and not hold it against them.

Many times I have been in a similar situation as the person that I had placed my trust in - even as I have been working on answering these questions, a very similar scenario has played out for me.  And I can say that when I'm in it, when I'm engaged, when I'm having fun, when my curiosity is getting peaked and satiated, and my mind is getting stimulated by an external source, that I am not considering the life I have built with another and I'm not focused on the work on the relationship that has or must be done. In fact, the relationship does not influence my experience much at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to separate myself from what another is living out - as if it doesn't exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my attempted separation from another and what they are living is a form of control - trying to control them and myself with a morality system that I have created from a fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a decision that someone else made and make it personal and within this, see this as something that had been done to me instead of actually personalizing it for myself - getting to know the decision and how I have/could have made the same decision myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to allow myself moments of fun, excitement, and physically feeling good because of beliefs, ideas, my morality system, fear, and not trusting myself - within this, not seeing, realizing, nor understanding how I am betraying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world that is shit and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that myself and others should be wallowing in this shit and not taking moments to take a break from the shit.  We are the ones that will be cleaning up our shit so it's going no where - the point here is to trust oneself to go back to cleaning up the shit.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more focused on other people's landfill of shit moreso than my own.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that others are actually in a bigger pile of shit than myself because they have not yet realized how to clean up their shit.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to come to terms with the fact that for myself and some others in a fortunate position in life, that there is everything and anything that we're interested in exploring in the world and at our fingertips - but I have been unclear on the point and instead if clearing it up for myself without fear and with self-honesty, self-trust, and self-responsibility, I have been denying, suppressing, judging and punishing those parts of myself because I have had the belief that I shouldn't be like this or that I shouldn't be able to do the things that I'm able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize consequence and potential consequential play-outs as a way to keep myself and others in check.  I haven't seen, realized, nor understood how by doing this, I am creating even more consequence. The question is for myself: can I live with these consequences I'm creating or can I not live with them?  And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have it in mind that all others should be asking themselves the same question as a way to keep themselves in-check so that I don't have to face the reality of this world and my relationship with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear my principles like a Badge of Morality, a show of greatness, and a demonstration of my will - as if it sets me a part and makes me better than those who don't share the same principles.   And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how making my principles a religion creates an even shittier experience for those who don't share the principles - especially when I am preaching them instead of living them and really getting into opening them up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to externalize the principles that I'm aligning myself with - seeing them as my savior, greater than, or something I must obtain for myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate, explore, and open up what I like, why I like it, and how these things have been able to influence me or change me in a moment - where one moment, I am aware and the next moment, I am somewhere else that is not here and considering all things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself.  I mean, as I have been walking these points this past  week - this is what has become very clear - that I have been suppressing myself with the belief that there is something wrong with how I would like to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my suppression of others in my external world is a reflection of my suppressing myself internally.

I commit myself to stop separating myself from what others are experiencing or living out for themselves by when and as the thoughts come up of, "That is so wrong ... how could they do that? That is highly consequential ... and why are they considering me and everyone else?" I stop and breath.  I remind myself of where I was in my mind when in similar living situations - that I was in a moment and not considering the consequences, how it may effect others, or the ripples it may cause. In fact, I had worked it out in my mind how everything that I was doing and all the decisions that I was making were fine and everything would work out just fine.  So, here, to remind myself that we have all been equally corrupt and for myself, personally, I have made the decision to stop the corruption with the tools I have available and to no longer expect, dictate, and demand that others walk the same path that I have chosen for myself.

Within this, I commit myself to stop attempting to control how others are living via separation by when and as the points come up that I see are wrong or even unforgivable, I stop, I breath, and I bring this point that's coming up back to myself and look at is self-honestly.  I ask myself, "Who am I within this? Why am I telling myself this is wrong? Why have I been telling myself that I cannot live out the same? Why have I been denying that this is separate from me? What am I afraid of?"  In this particular case, with the 'unforgivable', I forgive myself, stop being my jailer, let go, and allow myself to explore the unexplored about myself.

I commit myself to stop taking other's life decisions as a personal or intentional attack.  I realize that it's my ego stepping in to keep me from connecting with me - who I have accepted and allowed myself to become - so that I do not have the opportunity to sort through it, release myself, and be the creator of myself. So, when and as I see myself taking others life decisions personally or seeing them as an attack, I stop and breath. I redirect myself to applying the point to myself and coming to terms with it as it exists within and as myself as my mind where I have defined myself.  I release myself from these points with self-forgiveness and then see what comes up for new ways of seeing and understanding things and go from there - sans ego.

I commit myself to no longer allow my ideas, beliefs and/or morality system to influence my ability to enjoy the things in life or whether or not I will have fun and play around with what is here and available to me.  When and as I see these thoughts and judgments come up or I see myself going 'on-guard' in my mind, I stop, breath, and let go.  I allow myself to present and get into whatever is that I'm doing at the moment without fear or judgment.  Further, I will write out for myself the things that I enjoy so that I can integrate those things into my life for myself.

I commit myself to stop betraying myself with lies and stories about who or what I am by when and as I see myself going into my mind about myself and have a dialogue with myself or imagine a dialogue between myself and others about me, I stop and breath.  I remind myself that I am storytelling - and do something like sing, "Storrrrrrrries! Making up stories!" lolol - here, I stop trying to convince myself and others that I'm something special, unique, different, or better than how I actually have been seeing myself in relation to the things coming up that I have defined as negative, wrong, or undesirable.

I commit myself to show that: Yes, the world is shit and yes we created this landfill of shit - however, it is only ourselves that can clean up our shithole mess so obviously, this is going to take some work.  We work, we take breaks, sometimes a vacation, and then we go back to work.  It is not for us to decide how another cleans up their shit or if they do it all - what has substance is what we do for ourselves.  So when the time comes that I meet my maker - The Earth, when I'm dead in the ground, I can say that I did not give into complacency and did not leave pile of shit to add to the already existing piles of shit that were already here. Instead, I will be able to show myself where I have utilized the shit as fertilizer to grow life - an expression without the limitations of a mind.

I commit myself to utilize my being in a fortunate position in this world to be a happy, healthy, educated, and stable human being - and in doing so, nurture and support any means necessary to make sure that ALL can have the same equally.  I commit myself to using my education, my talents, and the skills I have developed to planting seeds of life in all this shit so that we can all get to being happy, healthy, stable, and have equal access to realizing our potential via education.  I realize that I don't need to beat myself up about this anymore as long as I am doing something about it - then, I'm cool with myself.

I commit myself to stop myself from keeping myself and others 'in-check' from a point of fear.  Here, I commit myself to slowing myself down when in communication with myself and others so that I can see what's coming up for movement within me as thoughts and physical reactions.  Is what's coming up clear or am I grasping at straws for something to say to try to control the situation?  Am I expressing in a moment of understanding or am I searching my data for beliefs, ideas, stories, or words to support my fears which fuel my drive to control?

I commit myself to stop wearing my principles as a Badge - as though they are superior or better than me and others by when and I see that I'm utilizing the principles for judgment and separation, I stop and breath. I realize here that I have often been hiding behind principles and using them to support my Ego rather than integrating them into my living. I will revisit the principles, cross-reference, see where I'm standing, and reassess/readjust as necessary.

I commit myself to open myself up to the possibilities and potentials for myself - I have seen that I have essentially been handed a 'Get Out Of Jail Free' Card - why hold onto it and stay in jail (with the same patterns) if I don't have to?  I say this is quite a gift.  And realistically speaking, it probably wouldn't have come about (at least not for a loooooong time) if I hadn't been faced with being betrayed. Does it suck? Yep. Does it hurt like a bitch? Oh yeah. Am I grateful? Totally.

Day 218: Betrayed

Discovering that someone is not who I thought they were - that they have been doing things for many years that are outside of our agreement and commitments has been a shock.  I placed my trust in this person and so placed myself in them.  As the lies have been unfolding, I have found that I have this experience of being destroyed - wasted.  When the thoughts come up about what I know and what I might not know, I have been reacting to them with this overwhelming sense of loss of self.  I think, "How could I have been so stupid?", "Why did they do this to me?", "I'm such a loser,", "They did this because I am not good enough for them,", "There is too much wrong with me physically - I am flawed," and "What am I going to do with myself now that I am like this?"

My world and the life that I built is falling apart - something that I did not see was possible for me as I saw myself as stronger than that, that I am beyond that, that I am the one one that would always be in control of me and my life - no matter what happened. I have had this belief that if I had myself that I could weather anything.

I have been fortunate to have an unlimited and unconditional amount of support in this process of my life falling apart.  Probably the best suggestion I was given was to breath - to hold the in-breath and realize - this is me, this is my life force, and I am still here, regardless of the external loss.  I have also been fortunate to have my child and my dog here and a friend suggested that I hug them when the emotions come up - this has assisted me to stay grounded and to not get lost in everything going on.  Seriously, I cannot imagine having to sort through this without that physical support from these two.

One of the most profound realizations I have had along the way is that the 'life' I built was actually an illusion that I created from fear of losing a relationship or who I was or wanted to be in the relationship.  I saw that in the beginning of the relationship that there was a part of myself that I really liked - but overtime, I was no longer able to connect with that self and so I was clinging to the memory of the 'way things used to be' in hopes that I could somehow get that experience of myself back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself as my trust to another.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself when things didn't 'add up', didn't make sense, or what I was seeing and what I was hearing was unaligned.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-doubt and to not listen to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into physical shock when faced with all of the delusions that I have allowed, accepted, perpetuated, and supported - and created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my delusions/illusions coming down as something bad or destructive - I realize that I saw the process in this way because I did not want to let go of the illusion and that I was in, I did not want to give up hope, I did not want to change, I did not want to let go, and I have had a paralyzing fear of the unknown - I mean, who/what/where would I be if I no longer had all of that?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and keep myself locked in to a way that of being that was perhaps not what was best from fear of loss of self and fear of the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the gift of betrayal - if the lie I was living had not been exposed and if I had not been faced with the extent that I had put my trust in something or someone outside of myself, I would still be living in a bubble of constant paranoia and self-doubt and making up stories to make myself 'okay' with all that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the loss of my hopes and beliefs about myself, the loss of how I saw my life playing out, the loss of the future I had planned for myself, and the loss of who/what/where and with whom I would be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "How could I have been so stupid?" - and creating this self-judgement as an excuse to go into blame and self-victimization and thus justify and pave the way for me to go into despair, sadness, depression, and feeling bad for myself rather than breathing, remaining here, and seeing the situation in a self-honest and realistic way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "How could they do this to me?" and giving myself over to this thought with negative experiences instead of seeing that blame and how I have been using the blame as a vehicle for allowing myself to be the victim instead of being the one here standing in awareness of how this blame and self-victimization is self-defeating and gets me no where.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that it is my strength, life force and commitment to creating a better life for myself that I will actually get me out of the mess I have created and ensure that I do not repeat the same mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the negative thought that "I am a loser" and to see this as me sucking at life and having very little value.  Instead of seeing that, yes, I am a 'loser' within the context that I have experienced a loss and it doesn't necessarily mean that something with wrong me and rather that I have some adjustments to make with my awareness, my self-relationship and how I direct myself externally physically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the belief that I must not have been good enough for another and because of not being good enough is why I was betrayed - not seeing, realizing, considering, and understanding that it was not likely the best match - or it was at sometime and not anymore - we all meet up, are sometimes with each other for some time, and ultimately always move on.

Further, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into taking all of this personally and assuming that there is something wrong with me when something doesn't work out - I realize that I have been misinterpreting the information and the self-communication - having been connecting polarity definitions and meanings to what's coming up which has been clouding my ability to see clearly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into the thought/idea/belief that many of the issues that I face in my life are because there is something wrong with me physically and because I am flawed physically - and allowing and going into complacency with that rather than seeing where this stuff comes from and if it's actually relevant or changeable.  I mean, when I look at it now and see where these ideas come from and that they have come from fear, there's some comedy here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the thought, "What am I going to do now?" and within this, having a lost and insecure experience because I have been panicking in situations that aren't known, are unplanned, or are unpredictable.  Had I had been hearing myself instead of reacting and in fear, I would have heard myself clearly asking myself, "Okay. So. What AM I going to do? How will I be changing here? How will I be building a new life that's real and not fiction?"

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to place myself as trust in an external source and instead bringing trust back to myself by committing myself to a working relationship with self where I hear myself, stop doubting my ability to see, and stop doubting my awareness.  When and as questions and inconsistencies come up or I am seeing a pattern  that aligns with specific information that looks as though it requires adjustment, I stop and breath.  I let go of any energetic reactions, definitions, connections, and fears that I have attached to what is coming up and hear myself communicating with myself without the polarity.  I allow myself the space and time required to work it out for myself.  I realize that I do not have all of the answers, however, I commit myself to living a real life and not one that I have reasoned or contrived in my mind because I did not yet have the understanding or clear direction.  I will be patient with myself.

I commit myself to assist and support my physical body with not going into shock as I make a transition from my 'old life' and into a 'new life' by breathing, staying physical, and reminding myself that the life I am letting go of was only a really good story and my future that I had planned was a brilliant idea - mostly all of it was made up in my mind - conflicting, confusing, and trying to physically conform to the story I had made up.  It was a big CON. I allow myself to breath, let go, and walk into the unknown - here using the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to support me.

I commit myself to no longer allow the definitions I have connected to information to influence my ability to see clearly and communicate with myself without polarity by breathing, stopping, and redirecting myself to look beyond the meanings I have connected to what's coming up - here, I will say the words within myself as self - slowly, clearly, and with my sound - and take a look at what's being communicated and within awareness, decide how to respond.

I commit myself to stop going into all these thoughts that I have about myself in a negative, self-defeating way.  When and as the thoughts come up, I stop, breath, and center myself. I remind myself of my self-commitment to establish self-trust with self-communication and hear myself with sound stability.  Here, I commit myself to practice this stopping, breathing, sounding, hearing, and responding in awareness until it becomes me.

Day 217: If you're wrong, are you going to tell everybody?

I was watching a video on YouTube recently and the individual speaking asked the question, "If you're wrong, are you going to tell everybody?"

I found this an interesting question because points came up immediately in my mind where I was showing myself my history with being wrong, knowing that I have been wrong, and not wanting others to see it. I saw a fear of losing face - as though being wrong would diminish, discredit, or make me look unreliable or not worthy to particpate in the goings-on with life. I saw how this fear had become so ingrained into myself that I would go to great lengths with deceptive explanations of how I couldn't possibly be wrong. My twisting of the information was oftentimes so effective that I could convince others of my validity and within this, almost convince myself. Almost I say because my memory of myself in situations with others is not difficult for me to access and even easier to trigger. 

So, my question for myself is: why do I expect that others come forth and admit they are wrong when I have not yet developed the integrity and humbleness to do the same myself? And deeper, looking at the memories that I've connected to 'being wrong' and with that, the automated fear response, how is that I can expect others to transcend themselves as their memories and push through their fears when I have continued to allow the existence of my memories and fears, accepted them as being me, and allowed them to influence me?

Within this, I realize that when I have called others out as 'being deceptive' or 'deliberately withholding information' or 'not being truthful', is the pot calling the kettle black. I realize there is no understanding when I have had thoughts or voiced statements like this - I have separated myself from the indivuals and/or situation, I have not mirrored back to myself, and I have not taken responsibility for where is exists within and as me.

I see that I have got it in my mind that it's perfectly acceptable to call them out, show them how they are wrong within my morality system, and pardon the language ... to be a fucker about it. I realize this is my Ego, though, because in reality when I approach a situation or individual with understanding and already taken responsibility, I am gentle and introspective.

Day 216: You've Been Hijacked

"So you have truly been Hijacked by Evil: the Evil of the Light. It’s the same as a Moth that’s been Hijacked by the Light, it continues going to the Light, Ignoring the Evidence that Going to the Light inevitably is going to Wear you out and you’re going to End up Dying and that it’s Getting you Nowhere: the Moth keeps on Going to the Light." - Creation's Journey To Life, Day 445: The Universal Mind

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I've been hijacked. We've all been hijacked.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have been jacked up high - severed, separated, and lifted up off of the earth.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be high jacked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jacked up into my mind where it's comfortable and away from what's become of our reality - a system of survival, starvation, curable disease, sacrifice, deliberate abuse, murder, and constant trauma.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to be hijacked - seized and manipulated to see my internal and external world in a distorted and backwards way so that I would be a part of and used as a tool to bring about a world that is not best for all and benefits a few.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the information that's been inserted into my mind - and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become a willing slave instead of questioning the information and investigating to see whether or not it's in-fact true or a story that's been made up to protect those that fear the consequences and potential loss if/when/as the real truth comes out.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am all things - I am not just the part, I am the whole - and that what I accept and allow as myself, I accept and allow for all in existence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself see, realize, and understand myself as a creator. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me, as a creator, to be hijacked and re-directed - allowed myself to be created into a creator for specific creation.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and be able to immediately take responsibility for why I would allow myself as a creator to be utilized to create a world of survival, suffering, pain and torment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest about the constant and continuous suffering, pain, and torment that goes on within and as me - as a being I have been separated, fragmented, and I have been furious about it and my physical body is literally being torn, stripped, drilled and sucked of physical resources so that me as my mind - with all of my fears, beliefs, self-definitions, relationship connections, and personalities - can survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider and want to believe that everything here as it exists is the result of a veeeeeeery tiny group of super elite manipulating everything for their own evil agenda. When two things are for sure: one, I don't know for certain what their agenda is - I mean there is so much disinformation and assumption going on, and two, I realize that if I accept that there is an evil group of hell bent manipulators controlling everything from behind the scenes and within this, allow myself to blame them, this is showing me how this archetype actually exists within and as me and that I am attempting to pin it on an external source.

Further, within the realization that I am all as one as equal, I see that this 'elite group' is me in another life.  They are in the same game of competition for resources - however, they are better at the game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react, judge and blame instead of allowing myself to breath, remain stable, and be with/as/for another, understand, embrace unconditionally and forgive as I would forgive myself.  And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest and see how I would have played the Game of Life no different if it were me as them - Why would I? If everything was going fine for me, why would I even consider changing or doing anything differently?  It's the same damn mind-set that is running in each and every one of us that are in a position of physical comfort, relationship distractions, and financial stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into helplessness and self-victimization and tell myself, "There's nothing I can do ..." or "I don't care ..." or "It's too late ..." instead seeing, understanding, and realizing that I/we must stop and change what I am/we are doing and create a balance within and as ourselves, each other and the world, where everything is equalized into win-win solutions.

To be continued with self-corrections and self-commitments.

Day 215: Myself As A Leader - Making Some Changes

On Day 213: Dark Side of Myself As A Leader, I took on some points that I've been facing about myself for sometime that I had finally had enough of.  This post is a continuation of that writing and self-forgiveness where I am now making some changes to how I have been seeing and doing things - not only as an external system leader but also internally personally.   Currently, I'm in a cool position of not having to be responsible for a lot of people - so, I can take a step back from it all, breath, and make a new plan for myself.   

I commit myself to stop attempting to possess other people and instead allow myself to let go.

I commit myself to stop repeating, "They are mine," to myself and within this, stop seeing others as mine and instead change my perspective back to myself and focus on becoming my own.

I commit myself to stop the desire to collect people by when and as this desire comes up, I remind myself to get myself collected - to bring the parts of myself that I've separated from myself back to myself. So, instead of going about the process of collecting the individual, I collect the point or part and bring it back here as me.

I commit myself to applying self-control - to take ownership of myself and be self-directive.  By doing this, I will support myself to stop attempting external control, ownership and having to be the only one to make all of the decisions.

I commit myself to stop attempting to separate others from each other and also stop making judgement calls about who can be trusted and who cannot.  I will stop placing myself as a guard and no longer accept and allow to see myself as a 'protector'.  So, when and as I see myself going into that physical urge of being the protector, I stop and breath.  I allow the fear to dissipate and I remind myself that there are no enemies - I have created enemies to feed my fear and utilized judgement to keep the whole thing going.  I'm done with that.  So instead of continuing to project all of this stuff onto others, I will focus on stopping the separation, focus on self-trust, and guarding myself from creating unnecessary consequence for others.

I commit myself to stop attempting to live out and within the alternate realities that I have created in my mind where everything is 'just so' and perfect.  I allow myself to let go of these things and become a collaborator - a Co-Lab-Operator - a Co-Lab-Orator. Co-testing, Co-speaking, co-creating and seeing how I can be a part of testing out others ideas and bringing them to reality.

I commit myself to stop going into panic and/or paranoia when I see a situation or a person as being unpredictable and/or somehow influencing an idea that I've managed to manifest.  I breath, let go, and see what unfolds.  I remind myself to allow myself to be curious again.

I commit myself to stop being territorial as at the moment, as outside of the survival system, I'm not seeing that it benefits anyone but myself. When and as I see that I am becoming physically uneasy or uncomfortable when and as I see someone that is 'too comfortable' or 'too friendly' in a space that I am in and see as mine, I stop, breath, and do not go into a reaction.  I relax and again, allow myself to let go so that I can be comfortable and friendly with myself.  Within this, I will stop my physical reaction of going into the 'bulldog' backchat/composure/stance/expression and see what comes up as an expression of me being here.

I commit myself to stop looking for and mapping out others weaknesses and instead focus on my own weaknesses that I can utilize to assist and support me in my process of oneness and becoming my potential by when and as I see myself looking for points in others that could potentially be seen as 'unlikable', 'weak' or less than perfect qualities, instead of marking others with those things, I flag-point them for myself as points for me to open up as myself and stop ignoring their existence within and as me.

I commit myself to remove the emotional and feeling energies that I have used to connect myself to others - and within this, I commit myself to stop myself from re-creating them. I commit myself to digging into understanding myself and why I have been continuing to not only maintain these connections but to also attempt to form new ones despite my awareness that it's a disservice to myself and others.

I commit myself to focus first on being a self-leader - and to assist and support myself with this process to let go of the fears, beliefs, judgments, thoughts, reactions, and physical programming that I have created within and as myself being an external system leader.  A cool goal I see for myself is to become a sort of life leader where the seeds are planted, the care is provided, and something grows ...

Day 214: The Gift of Sadness

My dog passed away last week. She'd been sick for about a month before we finally made the decision to let her go. In the end, she was in a lot of pain and could not move around. We made the best decision for her, though even making the best decision doesn't make not having the dog around easier. 

When we were at the vet having the procedure done, I looked over to the vet and she looked overcome with sadness. I was crying but at that moment I was grateful that we were able to do this for the dog - that we could relieve her of her pain. I said to the vet, "Why are you so sad? We're doing what is best for her." And she said, " I know ... But it doesn't make it any easier..." 

My dog not being here didn't 'hit me' until the next day - she was not here when I woke up, there was no dog to feed or go outside, no one watching my movements, and no one barking at the neighbors. I went about cleaning as the housework was set aside during the time I was nursing the dog - the hardest part was sweeping and vacuuming up the dog hair - I saw it as removing her and I didn't like that. I cried. I kept telling myself that I shouldn't be emotional - that I shouldn't be reacting to the the thoughts that came about her not being her anymore and the things we would no longer share together. I attempted to suppress the sadness and the crying which made the process physically painful. See, I had this idea that I should be beyond going into the thoughts and reactions - that I should be able to give myself what I got from my dog. Unfortunately, I wasn't there yet. It was an ideal - information and knowledge - an idea that wasn't yet realized.

Eventually, I gave up and allowed myself to be sad. I laid in bed, watched Netflix, slept and cried. I allowed myself to be aware that were weren't here together anymore, that I was lonely without her, that I could not give myself at this time what she had given me, and that I couldn't connect with another in the same way that I connected with her. I let it all come and I went into it. 

I had this belief that if I went into the sadness and responded to what was coming up for thoughts that I would be doing myself an injustice, that I would harm myself in some way, or that I would not come out of it and end up in a depression. This didn't happen though - and looking back I see that I hadn't yet trusted myself to be able to remember, to think about her, to see myself without her and be sad.

After about two days of being sad, I started to feel better - I again wanted to get up and be a part of everything again without my dog. I learned that I could trust myself to be sad and am on better terms with myself for giving this to myself.

This morning I was talking with a friend about sadness and he pointed that we are all sad - it is a part of all of us. He said that he's grateful for sadness. And you know, he's spot on. See, when I stopped denying sadness as being me and stopped attempting to separate myself from sadness - my sadness was supportive and assisted me to come to terms with the passing of my companion. 

Isn't it fascinating how we tell ourselves and each other that we shouldn't be sad? That we shouldn't be experiencing ourselves in this way? When all along it could be the best things for ourselves in the long-run? A gift we give ourselves when we require it the most. 

Day 213: Dark Side of Myself As A Leader

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as in possession of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself, "They are mine."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to collect people.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the groups that I have been in as my collection of people - in my mind I see it as many people in my circle - and within that circle, now for me to control, take ownership of and direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to see the confines that I place people in as a circle of defense. In my mind, the words repeat, "These are my people. Stay out. Stay away." And I see myself as a guard, constantly patrolling the perimeter, and keeping out anyone or anything that I don't see as worthy of 'my people'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to create an alternate reality for those whom I've 'collected' where I have attempted to physically manifest my idea of a perfect scenario - what I see as best for everyone. And having created this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend and protect my possessions - those that give life to the private little world that I've created from my ideas, beliefs, imaginations, and fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a panic when and as I have seen something or someone come in or attempt to come in from the area outside of the separation boundary that I have created - especially if it something or someone that I see myself as not being able to control and/or not be able to predict how the outside influence with effect things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become physically uncomfortable when and as someone or something is coming on to my territory in a way that I see as 'too comfortable' or 'too friendly' with what I have claimed as mine and after this, see and mark them as an enemy.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel all of myself into my eyes and face where I 'narrow' self, like a bullet or a bulldog, with my neck and shoulders pulled forward - still, quiet and watching - then saying to myself or out-loud with a deep sound, "No. This is not allowed. I don't like this ..."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be replaced if my people like the new individual more than me.  And as this fear, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go about making myself look better than the new individual where I will observe every move and listen to every word that the new individual makes and then map out their weaknesses in the event I see myself as having to manipulate opinion in my favor later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make energetic emotional and feeling connections to others - if I had not done this, than I wouldn't have gone into the desire to possess and thus physically manifested the possession.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood how much more complicated I have made my life and the lives of others as a result of that initial energetic relationship connection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lead from the points of creating energetic relationships and then fearing losing those energetic relationships.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed leaders who participate in the same pattern of creating emotional and feeling relationship connections to people, fearing losing that connection that we have defined ourselves by, and then making an enemy out of anyone or anything that threatens to change those relationship connections.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how this similar play-out exists within and as all of us existentially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and others as I have driven myself within my desire to manifest my ideas of what a perfect scenario is - unfortunately, my utopias have been created and managed from a starting point of separation and a backwards perspective about equality and oneness - they have only included a select few and not everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my vision and ideas about the way things could be. limit whom I share it with,  and also limit my potential as the one to lead the way because of my fear of making a mistake and losing it all. I realize that I must stop making emotional and feeling attachments to all of these for me to be able to open up, trust, and express myself.

Self-correction and self-commitment statements to follow.

Day 212: Making Something Out of Nothing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to suppress a point that keeps coming up in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed with a point that keeps coming up in my mind because it won't go away - and I often catch myself going into it with imaginations and making it bigger than it is. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want or desire for things to be more or greater than what they are so that I can have a positive energetic experience. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself when I have allowed myself to go into my imaginations on things - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grumble, mutter, and be pissy with myself when I 'take the bait'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then become angry with myself as I have judged myself as doing something that I shouldn't be doing.

And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself: this is a pattern that I created for myself over YEARS - it is who I have become - and I'm required to come to terms with that so I can re-pattern myself in a way that works better for me and the commitments that I have made in this life and make the absolute best of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in conflict with myself - one part of me wanting to separate from the point and another part of me wanting to connect.

And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself within polar ways of being - hot/cold, gentle/hard, calm/stimulated, open/closed, interested/disinterested - all depending on what's going on in my mind and what I see that I am getting or not getting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see - that just because a thought is coming up in my mind - that I have to respond to it, interact with it, and make it real. Not realizing the amount of energy that I am placing into that one thought - and all of the friction and conflict I have imposed upon myself to generate that energy - all to make something out of nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself as my physical body in my pursuit of a positive energetic experience.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program my physical body to respond to the pursuits of my mind - I have fully integrated my mind into my body to the point of where I am barely able to differentiate between what's a physical process and what's a mind process - life and not life - expression and suppression.

I commit myself to no longer suppress what comes up in my mind by when and as these uncomfortable, seemingly unchangeable points come up, I allow myself to see them and sort them out with introspection, writing, self-forgiveness and solutions.

I commit myself to stop reacting to those annoying points that come in my mind - the one's that keep coming up even though I have been actively working to understand and fix the issue by when and as I experience that reaction of annoyance of frustration begin to accumulate, I stop, breath, and remind myself that the point simply requires more work and that perhaps there is another dimension to the issue that I hadn't considered - and continue breathing until the energy dissipates. I then commit myself to looking at the point a bit deeper and allow myself to open up to myself what I have missed.

I commit myself to stop making things more - and for that matter, less than - what they are by not allowing myself to go into my mind on these things and instead going into the physical with writing and self-forgiveness as I am aware that my mind is always going to make things bigger, smaller, backwards, upside down, and even distorted from what's really going on.

I commit myself to be patient with myself as I make changes - so I will stop myself from getting all frustrated, pissy and grumbling to myself as I realize this pissed off personality is just another character that I'm playing out - and in this case, for my benefit.  I remind myself that this acting out is self-dishonest and like I have been telling myself, "I'm trying!" When I'm really not.  So, when this urge comes up to act out this Pissed Off character for myself, instead of acting it out, I will use it as a flagpoint for myself to slow it down, be patient, and push myself to go further.

I commit myself to remind myself that the thoughts coming up in my mind aren't 'real' to the extent that it's the Law of Me, the Authority of Me, the decider of things, and Me In General by when and as the thoughts come up, I allow myself to look at them and decide what to do with them - either see that it's just a thought or sort it out when/as/if I am experiencing a reaction.

I commit myself to this journey of re-programming myself as my physical body to respond in a way that is best!

Day 211: Pot & Kettle

I've been working with a point for a few months now where I require someone else to assist me with something because I have not seen how I can do it for myself.  I have asked, I have pushed, I have yelled, I have pleaded, I have cried, I have been changing my perspective, changed the way I do things, and I have presented alternative solutions.  There have been times when I just want to throw my arms up in the air and say, 'Fuck it! I give up!' - and I really do wish this was possible - that I could just say, 'I'm done with this', and be done with it.  But it's not happening.

I have noticed that every time I approach this problem and do not come up with a workable solution, that I say to myself, "Well, I'm just going to have to do this on my own ..." And then, I say to myself, "But I don't want to have to do this on my own.  Why do I have to do this on my own?  Everyone else in this similar situation does not have to do this on their own!" I have then started crying and being miserable.  This pattern has been repeating over and over and over again.

I ask myself, "Why am I so emotional about this? Why can I not accept that I am going to have to either give this point up or take care of it on my own?"  And my answer is the same: Because I don't want to.

Tonight my son Hunter was asking me to get him a snack.  Not only was he able to get himself a snack but I was also working so I said, "No. You get it."  The thing is, I will usually just go and get him whatever he wants when he asks, though this time, I didn't see why he couldn't do it himself.  He started to whine, "Noooooooooo. I don't want to do it myself ... you have to do it for me ..." And then started whimpering and carrying on for the next half-hour until he fell asleep.

Well, oh my god.  Talk about the pot showing the kettle how black it is.  He was doing the exact same thing that I had been doing shortly before ... having a temper tantrum.

When I look at what he's experiencing, I see that he's accustomed to me getting him a snack when he wants one and he's satisfied with that. So when the situation changes and he's placed in a position of having to change what he's doing, it's not an easy thing.  I see in him how I have gotten into these habits and ways of doing things based on how they have played out in the past - and I'm so accustomed to things going that one and only way that I do not consider that there may be another way to do things.  In fact, I don't even want to consider it.  My mind does not see the point of it when things work just fine doing the 'old way', the way that I know, and the way that I see everyone else is doing it.

So, the reality is that if this point is important enough for me to have for myself, I will have to do it for myself. And within this, give up all of my ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, and future projections of how it should be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do certain things on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change how I am doing things - even when the situation changes and there are no other practical alternatives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when things change and as a result of this change, I have to change.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness and pity for myself because things didn't go as planned, as I had hoped, or how others are going about doing similar things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have temper tantrums where I attempt to manipulate the sitatuation - and myself and others in the situation - with crying, anger, frustration, being miserable, and expressing depression.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control others with these manipulation tactics instead of moving myself to do things for myself by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to do certain things for me - even when I am capable of moving myself to do these things for myself.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy and to not commit myself to doing this important thing for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my beliefs to stand in the way of me changing.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed all of this - ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, resistance, emotions, temper tantrums, manipulation tactics and laziness - all because I have had a fear of the unknown and having to face it on my own.

I commit myself to do this for myself by putting my all into it, understanding it, exploring it, and learning how to do it on my own.

I commit myself to stopping myself from becoming emotional when I am faced with a point that's changed and as a result must change myself by when and as the thoughts come up of me being the victim somehow, getting the short end of the stick, and/or any of the reasons why things should go as I want, expect, or hope, I stop and breath.  I remind myself: this is Life - Life changes and where I've made the commitment to participate with and be Life, I've got to change too.

I commit myself to be equal-to the force of Life in my change and doing things for myself.

I commit myself to stop handling situations with temper tantrums and other manipulation tactics by when and as I see myself wanting to act out or speak out my frustration because something has changed, I'm not in control of a situation, and/or because I don't know what else to do, I stop and breath.  I don't allow myself to get myself worked up and in a panic and instead allow myself to breath myself back to where I can see things clearly and look at how I can approach the changed situation.  I realize that if I don't allow myself to go into my thoughts and beliefs on the matter, that I'm better able to sort things out and make adjustments as necessary.

I commit myself to stop allowing all of these ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, and resistances to influence me from changing - I realize that it's all utter nonsense.  And, really, I can be done with it at this point and simply use these things coming up for self-support.

I commit myself to show myself what I can do for myself to support myself.

Day 210: The Way Life Should Be

In this blog, I am applying self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment to thoughts that I have had while in my I'm Missing Out Character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself, "I never get to do what I want," after I have seen that I am not able to do something that I want to do or if I haven't gotten to do something that I had wanted to do.  As I hear myself and the words now, it sounds like a pouty-voiced temper tantrum - where, if I were to act it out, I would pout, clench my fists, stomp my foot and whine.  Had I not reacted to things not going my way - or for that matter, not gone into my and imagined how things could go in the first the place - I would have been stable and better able to see the moment in a down-to-earth, mature way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project blame on others when and as there has been something that I want to do but can't.  I have been turning my dissatisfaction with my life and myself onto others and not taking responsibility for the decisions that I have made while attempting to live out a fantasy of unrealistic events and expectations of 'what life should be' in my mind.  It is an alternate reality that doesn't hold up in the physical world outside of my mind - and yet, despite my ideas, beliefs, and plans of how I can live out my fantasies rarely working out and causing a lot of conflict with myself and others, I have not allowed myself to let go of my beliefs nor have I stopped recreating them for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the belief that life is 'too short to be missing out on opportunities to experience certain things'. I have bought into these words because they have benefited me on my path of attempting to live out my fantasies of 'what life should be' - nice words that have been covering up and supporting my fear of missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have often times imagine myself as really old lady who is looking back on my young life in regret of all of the things that I could have done but didn't.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this future-projection of myself to exist within and as me as I realize that picture is something I picked up somewhere from watching TV or a movie or I read it somewhere along the way - it's an implant that I accepted and allowed because it aligned with my fears of growing old, loss, missing out, and negative emotional experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that there are 'so many things to do and so many people to meet - and there's not enough time to do it in'. I see that this is a belief that I created for myself by repeating it to myself over-and-over again after I heard a friend say something similar a few times - and I wanted to be like her: popular, a master socializer, and a free spirit - as this would have insured that I was liked, included in everyone's plans, and free to join in whatever others were doing.  Thing is, I've never been 'free' to join in what others are doing as I would like to which has produced a significant amount of conflict, some consequence that I'm not really cool with, and decisions that had not considered what is best for everyone that could potentially be effected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be doing, seeing, and experiencing what others are instead of doing, seeing, and being who/what I am and have been.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as one of my friends or past relationships come up in my mind with the memories of experienced that I have connected to them and then wonder, "What fun are they having without me?" and "What have I been missing?"  Instead of going into what I have been missing or what I have apparently 'lost' because I'm not getting fun or whatever other experience from the relationship/friendship anymore, I could have simply enjoyed the memories and the times we had together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself and others, "I always miss everything!" in a whiney voice. Lol.  This is not true and me playing out a character (and not even a unique one) to get some sort of a reaction out of  myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself and others, "It's not fair that others can be there and doing the things that I want to do when I can't."  Somewhere I have come up with this belief and idea that life is supposed to be fair when it obviously is not.  And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have unreal expectations of what life is and trying to force life into these ideas instead of realizing I can't control life, letting go of this belief that life is supposed to be fair, and being in/with/as life without preconceived notions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have driven myself from starting points of greed and self-interest - so, when I say, "If I don't this, someone else will get to experience it and I won't," it has meant that I have not wanted to share and that I have not wanted others to have what I want for myself.  Why would I continue to allow myself to exist in this way when, looking at the world,  I see the consequences of living/being/thinking in this way?

I commit myself to stop going into reacting when and as points come up that are not aligning with my ideas and beliefs of the way 'things should be' and/or 'my way' as I have worked them out to be in my mind.  When and as the beliefs and ideas come up, I stop, breath, and question the ideas and beliefs by asking myself, "Where is this coming from?  How am I living out this point? How is this benefiting me? What are the consequences? What can I do to physically change this point?"

Within this, I commit myself to stop going into my imaginations from a point of self-interest with the intent of seeing how things could play out in a positive way for me by when and as I see there is an opportunity for me to do or experience something, I stop, breath, and do not allow myself to go into anticipation, excitement, or any other positive feelings or any of the images that may be coming up in my mind.  I remain clear and stable - observing what's coming up and self-forgiving if possible or necessary - and direct myself from here.

I commit myself to stop the pattern of going into want and desire in regards to what others are doing and experiencing by when and as I see myself going into imagining what it would be like for me in their situation, I stop, breath, and bring my attention and focus back to myself, where I am, what I am doing, and what I'm already working on for goals and fun activities.

I commit myself to stop the fear of becoming old and within this, the fear of existing in regret by reminding myself that I will truly be fortunate if I am able to become old and of all the things that I've done, the regrets that I have had are a result of me being in my mind in separation rather than being here in the moment - letting go, taking it in, giving back, and allowing myself to enjoy myself, others and whatever is going on if anything at all.

I commit myself to stopping my mind and physical patterns of attempting to be someone else or attempt to live out their life and instead focus on living my own - I commit myself to my own adventure into the unknown.

I commit myself to giving myself what I have been looking for experiences and other people to give to me by when and as I see myself looking to an external source for me to have a desired experience, I stop and breath.  I bring the point back to myself, investigate it, and see if I can come up with ways of giving it to myself! I will make a game of it and create some fun for myself.

I commit myself to stopping my mind and physical patterns of forcing myself as my ideas, beliefs, and the way I think 'things should be' onto external reality by when and as the fear comes up as indicated by the tightness in my solar plexus and the urge to 'speak my mind', I stop, breath, and allow myself to let it go.  I mean, life as it exists isn't fair - and it will never be fair until it's fair for everyone equally.

I commit myself to stop my mind and physical patterns of greed and self-interest by changing my ways - I will give as I have been given or as I would like for myself, I will take the time to consider others and where they are coming from and I will support where I am able and always work on creative ways of expressing this support.

Day 209: My 'I'm Missing Out' Character

I have been walking my Fear of Missing Out.  I have previously written two blogs on the point, Day 207: Fear of Missing Out and Day 208: No More Fear of Missing Out. If you are facing a similar point, I definitely suggest listening to Missing Out - Fears & Phobias on EQAFE.

In this blog, I am going deeper into understanding my Fear of Missing Out by dissecting the I Am Missing Out Character that I've created from and in support of this fear of missing out.  In the next blog, I will be writing self-forgiveness for what comes up in this self-investigation process.

THOUGHTS

• I never get to do what I want.  
• Others are holding me back from doing what I want.  
• Life is too short to be missing out on opportunities to experience certain things in life.  
• When I'm old, I will regret not doing everything that I had wanted to do in my life.  
• So many things to do and so many people to meet - and not enough time to do it in.  
• I just want to be able to do, see, and experience what others are.  
• I wonder what fun they are having with out me - what am I missing?
• I always miss everything.
• It's not fair that others can be there and doing those things while I can't.
• If I don't do this, someone else will get to experience it and I won't.

IMAGINATIONS

• Imagine myself stuck in the house doing nothing and being bored while my friends are laughing, talking, dancing, bonding, and having a good time.
• Imagine someone telling me that I cannot go and do something that I want to do.
• Imagine myself as an old person looking back at my life and experiencing deep regret and sadness for all of the things that I did not see, do, and/or experience for myself.
• Imagine my friends standing around together, looking for me, and asking each other, "Where's Carrie?" And then one answering, "Oh, she said she couldn't come." And then another rolling their eyes as if it was my choice to not be with them - like, I am happier without them than with them - which isn't true at all.  I imagine myself explaining this to them and them not believing me.
• Imagine myself as on the outside looking in.
• Imagine someone else enjoying what I saw was my experience that I was not able to experience myself.

BACKCHATS

• "I hate it that they are having fun without me. I bet they don't even notice that I'm not there."
• "It's THEIR fault that I cannot do what I want to be doing."
• "If it weren't for the fact that I have to work and support a family, I could do whatever I want."
• "My parents ruined any opportunities that I had as a child and teenager and now the responsibilities and commitments that I have had since then have been ruining my chance to have a fulfilling life."
• "My family holds me back from having fun and doing what I want."
• "My life has been wasted."
• "They think that I don't care."
• "They think that I'm making up excuses."
• "They don't understand that there's nothing I can do."
• "Well, if they don't believe me, then screw them."
• "That was MY experience.  I don't want them to have it if I can't. No fair."

REACTIONS
Boredom, disappointment, sadness, dissatisfaction, anger, annoyance, victimized, punished, stuck, sheltered, resigned, spiteful, worried, presumptuous, depressed, powerlessness, selfishness, jealousy.

PHYSICAL BEHAVIOR

• Slumped shoulders and sad face
• Frowning
• Clenched jaws

FEARS

• That I am going to die before I get to get the things that I want to do.
• That I am going to be left out and that I will feel sad and lonely.
• That people will stop asking me to do things with them and I will feel sad and lonely.
• That I will lose opportunities.
• That I will lose my friends.
• That I will die alone and no one will notice that I'm gone.
• That I will not be 'in the know' and/or missing out on information and experiences.
• That I will never know freedom like other people do.
• That I missed out on life and now it's almost too late for me.
• That someone else will have and enjoy something that should be mine but can't have.

CONSEQUENCES

• I have been in my mind worrying about the things that I want to do before I die instead of actually living and being satisfied with the things that I have done.
• I have been paranoid about being left out or not being asked to do things because the experience of being sad and lonely has been uncomfortable.
• I have often taken on too much, stayed out too long, put a lot of physical strain on my body and have made MANY decisions from a point of self-interest rather than considering everything and everyone equally.
• I have become a 'people pleaser' and have often said, "Yes," when the best answer would have been, "No", "I'm actually busy doing something else" or "We'll see."
• I have given in to peer pressure - been easily influenced by external sources.
• I have almost always experienced myself as a victim - and within this, focused on and accepted the problem instead of taking a step back and focusing on what's really important and going for it.
• I have had a negative relationship with time - as though it has power over me and is the enemy.
• I have seen others as competition and driven myself to 'get there' or get something before they do.
• I have not wanted to share.
• I have been focusing on my needs/wants/interests first instead of equally considering the needs/wants/interests of others and myself.

Seeing the character in-front of me, I realize that one of my main current issues I am dealing with and have not directed is me being married and having a family where I have connected 'being married' and 'having a family' to 'missing out'.   I see there are other points I have connected to 'missing out' that play-out in my daily life, though, for the moment, in the next blog, I will write self-forgiveness for the apparent points and see how things go from there.