Day 135 - Speaking and Acting From A Point of Self-Interest

A point emerged within me today that I did not anticipate and before I took the time to sit down and write out why I felt so strongly, I spoke.  This is something that I have done a lot of and it does not align with my commitment to put a 'guard on my thoughts'. I see myself as justified in moments like this - I tell myself that I must be speak and that I must not be silent because others are counting on me to speak up when I see a problem.  Even though time-and-time again that I do this and the only outcome is me in conflict with myself or others in my world, I keep doing it.


I see that my weakness is me believing myself when I tell myself that others are going to get hurt, disappointed, or be taken advantage of and then I have an energetic reaction of anger and disgust - and from this point, my voice lowers and hardens, my personality changes, and I become forceful.  Instead of slowing myself down, breathing, and allowing myself to see how I am speaking to myself of myself and directing this, I let it fly with the justification, "It must be done.  These people must be informed, helped, or saved from the evil that is about to face them."

The thing is, there's A LOT of people on this planet that are getting hurt, disappointed, and taken advantage of in EVERY moment.  If this were real anger and disgust - it this was really me - this would be my existence in every moment of every breath.  But, it's not - I'm selective about where I direct my anger which is an indicator that I am doing this as not what's best for all but instead from my own self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to: when and as I see myself feeling strongly about a topic, situation, or event in which I am experiencing a compulsion to speak, to stop and place a guard on my thoughts/words - and within this, do not participate and instead write out why I am seeing a problem, why I am reacting, and what I want to say as what I want to say is something that I want to communicate to myself and problem-solve for myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in conflict with myself instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that placing myself in conflict with myself takes a LOT more effort, thought, and energy to create than simply stopping, writing, bringing the points back to myself using the tool of the self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am counting on myself to be able to communicate problems to myself and to responsibly assist and support myself to direct these problems into solutions and rewards.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ignore and/or try to separate myself from my backchat where I tell myself that I am/will be hurt, disappointed, or taken advantage of - where, I try to smooth over the backchat with positive thinking instead of facing the backchat, allowing myself to see where it came from and how it continued to accumulate through time.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that when my personality changes that this is a flag-point for me to stop, breath, take a step back, and investigate myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to live the Words: You Can Save No One But Yourself.  I have been using the words as a point of abdication of my responsibility to others rather than a point of Self-Support for myself within the realization that when and as I see that I'm 'taking a stand' for benefit of others, that at this stage, I am still taking a standing from a point of self-separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a caring and supportive person based off of my definition of what I experience as energetic emotions, feelings, and thoughts.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I must let go of this definition of myself that I have created into a personality if I am to ever see, realize, understand, and become what a real caring human being is.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be angry, outraged, and disgusted at the fact that almost every other human on this planet exists with disappointment, abuse, and exploitation - and that instead, I pick-and-choose whom I will care enough to allow this anger, outrage, and disgust for.  Within allowing this, I do not see my self-interest as care is actually for a 'special group that I care for'.  Not only is this self-dishonest and not standing as an example of someone who is caring for life equally, it is also really limiting.

Day 134: What Are Ghosts? Are Ghosts Real?

For the past few weeks I have been writing in a parenting blog about the process of developing anger prevention within my living.  I will be continuing with the dimensions of the Helpless Victim Character here shortly.  For the moment, I'm taking a break from both writings to write about The Quantum Mechanics of Paranormal Events - Part 3 which can be purchased at Eqafe.

This interview was sent to me as a gift today which was quite cool because I've had a lot of questions about the existence of ghosts, poltergeists, spirits, and other beings 'beyond the veil'.  And it was extremely supportive for my understanding of my many experiences with these beings throughout my life as it answered how these beings got here, why many of them were trapped, how/why they could be seen, what they were attempting to communicate, and how us humans in the physical world could have better assisted and supported them.

As I mentioned, ghosts, poltergeists, and spirits have been a point that I have been faced with for most of my existence here.  These experiences began when I was 7 years old and continued to intensify as I got older.  I have several spine-tingling ghost stories that I have enjoyed sharing with others through the years and within these, I often share the experiences of others who were there to witness what I had.  It was a wild ride - and in truth, I existed in absolute terror because I never knew what was going to happen each night nor how frighteningly insane it was going to be.  Also, because these experiences not only happened when I was alone but when others were around as well, I saw myself as helpless, unsafe, and vulnerable to unseen attacks that could lead to my death.

For the longest time, I was driven to find the answers to why I experienced these paranormal events, what these beings actually were, why they were here, and why they were in some places but not in others.  Within my search for answers, I would submerge myself in books about the subject and shows like Ghost Hunters and Celebrity Ghost Stories in an attempt to understand and to identify with others who had similar experiences to mine.  However, this never assisted me in understanding what was really going on, what the problem was, and how to actually direct the problem because the only 'answer' given was to get the being 'into the light'.  How could I get the being into 'the light' if I could not see 'the light' - which, apparently, the gift of 'seeing the light' is a gift that only a select few have.

So, it's really a shame that I allowed myself to react with such intense fear and traumatized myself with this fear instead of breathing, investigating, and seeing my responsibility within the creation of these beings so that I could have directed the point and taken the opportunity to assist and support other beings rather than trying to run from them or looking for ways to evacuate them from my living space.  

In the end, this interview assisted me in realizing why it is best to not be afraid of or ignore the things in my world that I see as  beyond my capacity to understand or do anything about.  It's pointless, really, because I'm going to have to face what I've accepted and allowed in one way or another and I'd rather face the consequence and apply practical solutions now instead of allowing the problems to accumulate to the point of no return.

Day 133: The Helpless Victim - Imagination Dimension

In this blog I am writing Self-Forgiveness for the Imagination Dimension of The Helpless Victim Character that emerged from realizations while walking a traumatic event.  The initial writing out of the dimensions of this character can be read here: Day 129: The Helpless Victim.



Writing from Day 129:
Imagination Dimension In my imagination I see that I lose everything and everyone in my life, that I will be homeless, that I will be broken, that I will be susceptible to much worse abuses, that I will live the rest of my life in regret and shame, that I will become a junkie, a bag-lady, live on the streets, push around a cart, go crazy, lose my teeth, be ignored, be repelling, and eventually die alone under a bridge somewhere.

Imagination Dimension - Self-Forgiveness
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a movie-picture of myself as a homeless person that is broken, susceptible to abuses, living in regret and shame, a junkie, a bag-lady, living on the streets, pushing around a cart, going crazy, losing my teeth, being ignored, be repelled, and eventually dying alone under a bridge somewhere to motivate me to not stand up and make changes that are best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my Consciousness as pictures within and as my imagination to manipulate myself within and as my mind to do nothing to improve my situation EVEN THOUGH the situation that I have placed myself in, accepted, and allowed is not what is best for myself and others. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my imagination to activate myself as The Helpless Victim character instead of not allowing myself to separate from myself as this character, moving myself, and actually DOING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as a being that is aware of what is the best course of action and yet, instead of moving myself in this direction and following through, I gave myself up to my mind and used The Helpless Victim character as a front where I see that I cannot be held accountable and responsible.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this places me in conflict with myself where I imagine how I could make things better in my living and yet do nothing about it because I also imagine the worst possible case scenario as to scare myself away from actually making any real changes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a polarity between what I could do to change my situation and what could happen if I do change my situation not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am manipulating myself within this positive, 'I could ...' and negative, 'I can't ...' to keep myself from simply breathing, acting, and doing.