Day 149: Desteni Research: Is Desteni A Multi-Level Marketing Scam Cult?

My name is Carrie Tooley and I am a 41-year-old female living in Bucksport, Maine, USA. I am married, a parent of two children, and I work in the Food and Beverage Industry. I began studying the Desteni material at the beginning of 2011 and after 2 months of research, in March of the same year, I began using the tools of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction that are shown by the Desteni Group.

Before joining Desteni, I did not have any desire or reason to face what I saw as problems with myself and within the world. I would ignore what made me uncomfortable or wait for someone else to fix it. Now, I work on facing what I don't like, changing it, and standing up. Standing up for myself and standing up for others who do not have a voice to do so is quite cool because it's something that I'd never see myself as being able to do!

So, for me, walking with Desteni has been the process of me learning how to become responsible and then living and applying what I have learned. The result of this that I can see is me developing into a much more stable human being with easier relationships.

For a long time I experienced disbelief when Desteni was labeled as a cult, a scam, and a Pyramid Scheme. How could this be? And when I researched cults, scams, and the money-making schemes, Desteni did not fit the profile. Instead, what I found is that Desteni is like self-help psychologist that's available for support 24 hours per day, 7 days per week. And the Desteni tools and support are FREE. So the claims that Desteni is a cult, scam, and some sort of money-making scheme doesn't make any practical common sense what-so-ever.

Currently, I am enrolled in two Desteni I Process Courses: 'Structural Resonance Alignment' and 'Agreements -Redefining Relationships'. I make a monthly payment for the 'Structural Resonance Alignment' course and my 'Agreements' course is 100% sponsored. Recently, my financial position has changed, I have started a new job, and my budget for next month is not certain so my monthly payment for next month has been sponsored. I mean, if this was a group that was out to get my money, there would be no sponsorships and no understanding about my financial position what-so-ever. My mortgage company would foreclose on me, my electric company would shut me off, and the bank that holds the title to my car would come and take the car away. These companies and establishments do not care about my well-being nor my ability provide for my family's basic needs. However, Desteni and the Equal Life Foundation have shown time-and-time again that they do in-fact Care.

As for changes in my living, there have been many. Desteni has assisted and supported me to overcome fears, improve my relationships, and to develop self-trust and self-respect. A foundation of my change has been learning to research. I use self-forgiveness to research myself where I get into what I have accepted and allowed - and why. When I have an understanding of what I have accepted and allowed and why, I then research practical and livable solutions for my self-correction. Once I have practical and livable solutions for my self-correction, I then commit myself to test my solutions by living them. When and as I do not see a change, I will repeat this process of self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment until I am satisfied with the result.

Understand, I have been in-and-out of mental health offices since I was 8-years old. I have seen doctors for medications, psychologists, psychiatrists, and counselors. I have studied Social and Behavioral Sciences. I've read Tarot Cards since I was 16, I've studied with a psychic, learned Psychometry, many other forms of Divination, practiced Astral Projection, practiced Witchcraft, studied Buddhism, AND participated in Catholic Church. I even became a Positive Thinker. None of these have worked for me or assisted me in understanding and changing myself. What I have learned via my studies and research with the Desteni group has. And after two years of participation, I am only just beginning.

Here are some changes that I have made thus far:

- Improved my immediate relationships by giving of myself and my time. I have realized that giving to others in no way takes away from myself and instead I self-support as I support others. The relationships that I have with others are easier and of quality. And as a result of all of this, my self-relationship has improved because giving has assisted me to develop self-trust within my journey to become a human being that cares.

- No longer terrified of Ghosts, Unseen Entities, graveyards, or old houses that look haunted. I realize that these fears only exist in my mind as a response to my thoughts and imagination.

- No longer believe that God, Goddesses, The One, or Spirit Guides are guiding me, protecting me, judging me for my actions or deciding my fate. Instead, I realize that it is up to me to decide the direction of my life as I am the one that must live with the consequences of my decisions.

- No longer obsessed with Death, the Afterlife, and what I will be when I die. I no longer allow myself to be as distracted by questions and assumptions about Death and the Afterlife because the fact is, I am not going to have a clue until I get there. So, best to focus on being here on Earth and realizing myself - which is a LOT more fun.

- More at-ease around people. I no longer constantly obsess and make assumptions about what others are thinking about me. I don't fear others as much as I once did which allows me to really enjoy being with others and getting to know them.

- My vocabulary and my writing ability have improved. I now find it easier to speak and communicate with a broader range of individuals.

- Have a better understanding of myself, how I function, and why. In turn, I have a better understanding of others and the world that we live in.

- See the potential in myself, others, and the world that we live in. Instead of brooding over problems and believing that nothing and no one here can change, I look for workable ways and common sense possibilities that could ensure that all have a life of dignity, health, and happiness.

Now, I say with certainty that Desteni is not a Scam - I have researched this point for two years and there has been no indication that Desteni nor the Equal Life Foundation participates in fraudulent activities, deceit, cheating, ripping-off or swindling. Instead what I have found is a group of people that are passionate about ensuring that every child has a decent life on Earth. This is not done with protests, acts of violence, harassment or other forms of abuse - no. This is a group that works within the principles of what is Best For All, Give as you would like to Receive, Do onto Another what You would Like to be Done onto, and Investigate All Things and Keep what is Good. For evidence that Desteni has an equation for change that works, see the Journey ToLife Blogs where many are documenting their processes of transforming themselves.

To be clear, I do not do the Desteni research for financial gain. I am not a paid researcher and I am not sharing what I've found in my research for money. In-fact, I pay for a Desteni I Process education and I pay for other materials sold at EQAFE which supports the group to continue. Desteni is not a Pyramid Scheme. Further, the Equal Life Foundation is a taxable Nonprofit Organization that is funded through EQAFE products and Desteni I Process Education program - it is completely self-funded.

In conclusion, I have researched Desteni and the Equal Life Foundation and it is not a Scam. The Equal Life Foundation is a taxable Nonprofit Organization that is funded by products sold via EQAFE and the Desteni I Process Education program which offers years of research and expertise in the fields of Vocabulary, Psychology, Economics, Integrity-Based Spirituality, Paranormal Science, and Self-Improvement. For those that do not pay for Desteni I Process courses nor purchase EQAFE products, the group offers assistance and support on the Desteni Forum as well as a Desteni I Process Lite program which are both free. For proof that Desteni has an equation for change that works, see the Journey To Life Blogs where many are documenting their process of living transformation and sharing it for all to see. Me, I am grateful every day that my life-long search for a source of understanding, purpose, and integrity-based change has been found within the Desteni tools of Self-Forgiveness and the principles of what is Best For All, Give as you would like to Receive, Do onto Another what You would Like to be Done onto, and Investigate All Things and Keep what is Good. These tools and principles are things that I always have with me and can utilize during every moment of every breath so at this point, I no longer require using prescription mood and mind stabilizing medications, the mental health system, nor a religious organization. I have myself and a strong system of support which is quite a gift.

I have investigated every word within this document and checked the vocabulary to be certain that I am explaining, communicating, and sharing my research of Desteni in words that I stand by absolutely, without bias, and as a direct representation of my findings.

Carrie Tooley

Day 148: There's A Change - Now What?

Part Three of Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements for Self-Forgiveness on Day 145: Hearing What I Want to Hear.  Part Two is here and Part One is here.

Day 145: Hearing What I Want To Hear

When and as I see that I am not allowing myself the time to sit down and restructure my responsibilities and commitments when and as I have made changes to my living as indicated by me reacting to what I see needs to be done, I stop and breath.  I see, realize, and understand that I will only get caught up in a cycle of not getting enough done when and as I do not have a livable guideline for getting done what is important for me to get done.  I see, realize, and understand that when and as I have a practical and self-honest way of living responsibilities and commitments that I assist and support myself to no longer generate conflict as well as remove stress.

ART By Andrew Gable

I commit myself to removing stress, stopping myself from generating conflict, and no longer having an emotional reaction to what needs to be done by giving myself the time to sit down and create a practical and self-honest guideline for getting done what is important for me to get done and how exactly I will do it.  Here, I integrate this into my to-do list where I have my daily, every-other-day, and weekly responsibilities AND a guideline for how I will actually get these done.

When and as I see that I am hearing, "You are not doing enough.  You need to do more," I stop and breath.  I see, realize, and understand that when and as I believe these statements that I am placing and unnecessary amount of stress on myself and in such moments all that is required is that I do not participate and instead research what it is that I would like to be doing more of, if it is actually practical for me to integrate this point, and decide how it is that I will do as I would like to.

I commit myself to when and as I hear, "You are not doing enough.  You need to do more," to research what is is that I would like to do and to integrate the point when it is practical as per my to-do list and my guidelines for completing responsibilities, commitments, and other tasks.  Within this, I commit myself to make certain that what I would like to integrate is in alignment with what is Best For All and does not compromise my integrity. 

Day 147: There's Always Going To Be Something

Part Two of Self-Correction and Self-Commitment statements for Self-Forgiveness statements on Day 145: Hearing What I Want To Hear.  Part One is here.



When and as I see that I am judging myself for not doing enough when looking at what I have accomplished and comparing it to the to-do-list in my mind - I stop, I breath, and I bring myself back to here.  I see, realize, and understand that when I'm following the to-do-list in my mind that it is unlikely that I will ever do enough because I will always find something that needs to be done so that I do not allow myself to be present and here in breath.  Within this, I see that this is yet another 'carrot' that I've put in place for myself to chase after and keep myself distracted from what actually is important for me to get done everyday for me to build self-trust.

I commit myself to working on stopping my mind to-do-list by going back to my physical to-do-list - my list of things that I would like to accomplish within a day, every-other-day, and each week - and refining it to work with the changes that I've made in my living.

When and as I see that I am reacting to my real and/or imagined expectations of myself with anger, I stop and breath until I am clear.  I see, realize, and understand that this anger isn't going to change anything and it's unnecessary.  I mean, why allow myself to get caught up in and distracted by the anger?  This is a perfect time to re-direct myself - instead of getting caught up in the anger, I can look into the anger for a point of self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to no longer react in anger to my real and/or imagined expectations of myself by breathing, reminding myself that no change will come if I continue to react, and investigating myself in that moment for the point of self-dishonesty that created such an intense reaction within and as me.

Day 146: Making It About Me

Part One of Self-Correction and Self-Commitment statements for Self-Forgiveness on Day 145: Hearing What I Want Hear

Day 145: Hearing What I Want To Hear

Day 145: Hearing What I Want To Hear

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to participate in thoughts about how what I am hearing must be about me, I stop and I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that I am participating with information that is being filtered through my mind and thus cannot be trusted - I am hearing only what I want to hear to keep myself distracted and disinformed.  Additionally, I see, realize and understand that this creates paranoia which is unnecessary.

I commit myself to when and as thoughts come up about how what I am hearing is about me, to allow myself to stop making everything about me and to instead, hear what is being said - actually listen to the message. 

I commit myself to practice no longer allowing myself to be distracted by my thoughts while hearing what another is saying via written or spoken communication by pushing myself to not take the thought-bait.  When and as I am in face-to-face or on the phone communication, I breath and allow myself to stay present.  When and as I am reading, listening-to, or watching something and I see that I am 'missing' parts and not hearing everything because I am participating with my thoughts, I stop and I go back to the beginning until I am able to hear and/or see all that's being communicated without drifting off into my thoughts.

When and as I see that I am allowing myself to participate with the thought, 'You're/I am not doing enough - you/I need to do more' and other thoughts where I tell myself what I am, who/what I need to be doing - I stop and I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that these are thoughts that I programmed into myself from somewhere in my past and I kept them because it has motivated me to get things done - one way or another - and has rewarded me with many successes in the system.  So, instead of allowing these thoughts to direct and change who/what I am, it would be best for me to investigate their origin and see if I can use them to get things done in a non-abusive, non-conflicting, and self-directed way.

I commit myself to work on no longer allowing myself to be directed by the random 'I'm not doing enough - I need to do more' thoughts and to instead get rid of the fears surrounding these thoughts with self-forgiveness and get down to really understanding them and if I can direct/utilize them in some way that is supportive.

Day 145: Hearing What I Want To Hear

I continue to hear, "You're not doing enough.  You need to do more."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personal when I hear that things are not going the way that I anticipated - and that it's caused by lack of participation and not meeting commitments.  I tell myself that I must be the one that's not doing enough and that this message is for me and for others like me that don't participate and/or possibly not contribute as much as others toward a goal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "You're not doing enough," and "I'm not doing enough," to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not doing enough - In my mind I have a quota of tasks that I would like to complete on a daily basis that I tell myself would satisfy me 'doing enough'.  So, if I am not meeting every task that I tell myself are the basics that I should be doing every day, then I tell myself that I'm "not doing enough" and show myself within my imagination what would make me better, good enough, and doing enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger at myself for not living up to my imagined expectations of myself doing enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my anger at myself for not living up to my imagined expectations of myself doing enough.  Instead of being honest with myself that I am in-fact angry at myself, I tell myself that someone else is 'the problem' and allow other unsupportive backchat.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the time required to sit down and restructure my living after some changes.  I have not allowed myself to structure and re-direct myself in a self-honest way so that I am not longer reacting to hearing what's not being done or what needs to be done.  Instead, I allow myself to move from one polarity to another without actually deciding on anything - and this is a problem - I get caught up in my mind cycling through justifications and/or reasons for my emotions, inner-conflict, and other instabilities rather than simply making the decision and be done with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hear, "You're not doing enough. You need to do more," as a way to flee and not take responsibility so that I never hear what is actually being communicated.  I only hear what feels good and if what's being communicated feels bad, I tune it out using a myriad of excuses, reasons, justifications, backchats, and blame-projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop hearing rather than taking a practical inventory of myself so that I could come up with a stable plan.  I stop hearing because it's a quick and easy way out of anything that I do not feel comfortable with, do not understand, and do not experience confidence in my abilities to take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change and/or stop how I interact, experience, and learn from the world because I fear not surviving the situation - others may stop liking me and may kick me to the curb - this terrifies me because when I was a child, being left out, being left behind, or not being apart of the group was horrible.  So, instead of allowing myself to be here without fear where I can hear, I allow my past to haunt me - a past that doesn't even exist anywhere else but in my Mind.

 

Day 144: ADD and ADHD - What's The Difference?

1. What is the difference between ADD and ADHD?

Attention deficit disorder (ADD) is a general term frequently used to describe individuals that have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder without the hyperactive and impulsive behaviors. The terms ADD and ADHD are often used interchangeably for both those who do and those who do not have symptoms of hyperactivity and impulsiveness. 

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is the official name used by the American Psychiatric Association, and it encompasses hyperactive, impulsive, and/or inattentive behaviors.

Problem

• ADD and ADHD are being clumped together.  When one does a search for ADD, the symptoms, causes, and treatments for ADHD will show up on the search.  ADD and ADHD are two totally different problems for different reasons that are not understood.  One has to dig to find scientific differentiation between the two disorders.
• What is not understood is that ADD and ADHD are coping mechanisms.  Yes, the symptoms are quite real - however, what is not understood is how the person actually developed ADD and ADHD and how the person uses these mind-developments as a means to tune out their environment.
• Medical and Psychological sciences have not yet made a connection between the factors within a child's physical environment - from womb, birth, and on - and the child's development of ADD or ADHD.  There is a common thread that the mother smoked cigarettes or drank alcohol during her pregnancy with the child as well as a genetic pattern.  The sciences are not looking beyond this point - they never have.  Being a person with ADD, this lack of interest of the medical and psychological sciences in the actual causes and potential cures for ADD and ADHD has been something that is frustrating and aggravating because there is no actual support - no one knows what the heck is going on or is putting 1+1 together as to WHY there are so many beings with ADD and ADHD today as compared to 20 years ago.
• Instead of getting the core of the problem and using resources to assist the human in curing this disorder, those with ADD and ADHD are given Cocaine-like drugs, suggestions for changing their choices of food, behavior modification therapy, and/or a pat on the back and told, 'Good luck!'  There are some homeopathic remedies which are supportive in re-building the structure of the brain which assists with person's learning - however, again, we are not looking at fixing the core-source-origin point of the problem as we're not putting 1+1 together.
• The healthcare system is giving ADD patients the identical medications, therapies, and suggestions for ADHD living which is a huge mistake. 

Solution

Utilize the scientific resources that we have to fully understand the problem with ADD and ADHD.  See, realize, and understand that medicating the symptoms of ADD and ADHD that make others uncomfortable is not going to make the problem go away and that it's most likely going to get worse - also within this, stop giving those with ADD drugs that are designed for ADHD as this is actually makes a person with ADD into a person with ADHD.  

As it is realized that ADD and ADHD are coping mechanisms used to 'tune out' the environment, we must re-educate the person to no longer tune out their environment and to instead find ways of taking responsibility for it and changing it. 

We utilize our Psychologists to be an actual support point for assisting others with ADD and ADHD with making the best decisions and showing ways that these decisions can be lived - and we continue to do this until the person establishes self-trust and shows the ability to make the best decisions over-and-over-again. 

Reward

Instead of having generations upon generations of humans medicated with Meth-Amphetamines and other reality-altering drugs to assist them in ignoring the problems that are here and having to continually live with the consequences of this within our world, we create a new human that takes responsibility for their family, their community, and their world and has the ability to make the best decisions.

We can relax because we've actually solved a problem instead of ignoring it - and within this, improved our world for ourselves, others, and future generations of others.

Establish trust with ourselves and others in our world - trust with ourselves that nothing is 'too much' to handle and trust with others that they can handle problems, make the best decisions, and live in a way that is best for everyone. 

Day 143: Ending My Relationship With Smoking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use smoking as an escape from life, a way to make myself push through life, and as a reward for times when the 'job is done'. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a place in my imagination for me to escape to - where, for the first time in months, I escape to my mind within my thoughts and my imagination for long-periods of time without stopping myself because I do not want to be here and facing the reality of myself without my time-outs and smoke breaks.  Because if I cannot have a physical break, I create one within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to anticipate a reward of 'something' within and throughout my day where I have programmed myself to constantly be chasing after the carrot (cigarette) on the string.  I saw but did not want to believe that when and as I would make the decision to stop smoking, that the process would be difficult and disruptive because of the extent of the rewards I have given myself for doing even the most menial/simple tasks.  The consequence of this is that I have trouble functioning within my daily tasks/responsibilities because I have tied all of these things into smoking.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let smoking go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my mind to re-mind me over-and-over-again as pictures of myself that I would/should/could be enjoying a smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be triggered into an addictive response when and as I tell myself, "No.  Stop. That is not happening," as a re-direction from me showing myself as thoughts and imaginations of me sitting down and having a nice, quiet smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and experience guilt for the reactions that I have had while the drug is being removed from my body.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reactive to others because of my irritation at myself within the detoxing process as well as accepting and allowing myself to be required to go through this process - when I could have made the decision to not start smoking at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself because I have made a decision that makes me physically uncomfortable, someone unstable, tired, sick to my stomach, and placed myself in a position where I am bored and restless.  Because I let this anger accumulate within and as me instead of directing this with Self-Forgiveness, it has spilled out and I have projected it outward which is not cool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself and thus expect that others should support me within my decision to stop smoking and that others should change their daily living/routines so that I do not have to worry and can focus on breathing and relaxing. Regardless of the fact that I see, realize, and understand that having expectations for others to change any part of their anything that isn't directed by themselves is a HUGE mistake and only sets me up for a situation in-which I will accumulate more anger and other negative emotions because I am reacting to my backchat of things not working out in the best way for ME.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest with myself that I'm so emotional and angry because I do not like my decision - I do not like that within my decision, I have forced myself to give up my moment-to-moment incentives, rewards, and escape-times.

I stopped smoking cigarettes this week.  It is interesting to see how I use smoking as both an escape and a reward.  I've found that I need to keep physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into my mind and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the day-to-day moments of my life.  The reward part is the tough one and is the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response.  As I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the 'fuzziness' in my head.  I have spent most of my time this week outside and I started cardio and strength training again.

My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to.  That's pretty much it.  There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive.  This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.

The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task.  So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke.  And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol.  There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right.  There is no reward ..."  And so I move and breath.

I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing.  I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.

It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out.  It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life.  I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus.  I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.

So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf

I stopped smoking cigarettes this week.  It is interesting to see how I use smoking as both an escape and a reward.  I've found that I need to keep physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into my mind and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the day-to-day moments of my life.  The reward part is the tough one and is the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response.  As I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the 'fuzziness' in my head.  I have spent most of my time this week outside and I started cardio and strength training again.

My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to.  That's pretty much it.  There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive.  This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.

The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task.  So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke.  And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol.  There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right.  There is no reward ..."  And so I move and breath.

I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing.  I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.

It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out.  It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life.  I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus.  I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.

So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf

I stopped smoking cigarettes this week.  It is interesting to see how I use smoking as both an escape and a reward.  I've found that I need to keep physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into my mind and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the day-to-day moments of my life.  The reward part is the tough one and is the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response.  As I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the 'fuzziness' in my head.  I have spent most of my time this week outside and I started cardio and strength training again.

My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to.  That's pretty much it.  There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive.  This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.

The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task.  So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke.  And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol.  There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right.  There is no reward ..."  And so I move and breath.

I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing.  I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.

It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out.  It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life.  I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus.  I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.

So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf

I stopped smoking cigarettes this week.  It is interesting to see how I use smoking as both an escape and a reward.  I've found that I need to keep physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into my mind and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the day-to-day moments of my life.  The reward part is the tough one and is the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response.  As I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the 'fuzziness' in my head.  I have spent most of my time this week outside and I started cardio and strength training again.

My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to.  That's pretty much it.  There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive.  This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.

The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task.  So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke.  And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol.  There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right.  There is no reward ..."  And so I move and breath.

I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing.  I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.

It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out.  It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life.  I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus.  I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.

So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf

I stopped smoking cigarettes this week.  It is interesting to see how I use smoking as both an escape and a reward.  I've found that I need to keep physically moving and breathing as a way to keep myself from going into my mind and into my imagination where I can create a space to escape from the day-to-day moments of my life.  The reward part is the tough one and is the point throughout my day that will trigger my addiction response.  As I write I am fidgeting in my seat, rocking back and forth, keep looking out the window, and continually having to bring myself back from the 'fuzziness' in my head.  I have spent most of my time this week outside and I started cardio and strength training again.

My decision to stop smoking was because I wanted to.  That's pretty much it.  There's the health factors to consider but those weren't entirely apart of my decision process and instead an incentive.  This is one of those decisions that was made in a moment and that is that - these are my favorite decisions because after the decision is made, all I have to do is physically walk it and make the changes required to make sure that the decision can be lived.

The problem that I have faced is that I used smoking as both quick get-away and a reward for completing almost every task.  So, when I experienced myself as emotional, I'd quickly run out (escape) and have a smoke. Or, after I got the dishes done, I'd go have a smoke.  And now that I'm not smoking, there is no escape and there is no reward - lol.  There's this lingering anticipation that exists within and as me - like, I am expecting at any moment to get a reward and then I remember, "Oh, right.  There is no reward ..."  And so I move and breath.

I have deliberately avoided writing for the last two days because I used to take smoke breaks while I was writing or use the anticipated reward of the cigarette to push myself through finishing a writing.  I have paired smoking with other activities as well so I'm currently working on restructuring - AGAIN.

It is fascinating to see the moments within my day when I would have run out.  It's like I was giving myself 'time-out's from life.  I mean, any little tiny point of reaction and I was outta here for 10 minutes, plus or minus.  I see that it could be the tone of another's voice, a certain expression, or a moment that I'm uncomfortable being in.

So, it's an interesting time in my life right now - all this cool (and not-so-cool) stuff is right here where I can see it and investigate it rather than ignore it, forget about it, or rush through it. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/06/day-142-smoke-break.html#sthash.Z40sx62N.dpuf