Day 217: If you're wrong, are you going to tell everybody?

I was watching a video on YouTube recently and the individual speaking asked the question, "If you're wrong, are you going to tell everybody?"

I found this an interesting question because points came up immediately in my mind where I was showing myself my history with being wrong, knowing that I have been wrong, and not wanting others to see it. I saw a fear of losing face - as though being wrong would diminish, discredit, or make me look unreliable or not worthy to particpate in the goings-on with life. I saw how this fear had become so ingrained into myself that I would go to great lengths with deceptive explanations of how I couldn't possibly be wrong. My twisting of the information was oftentimes so effective that I could convince others of my validity and within this, almost convince myself. Almost I say because my memory of myself in situations with others is not difficult for me to access and even easier to trigger. 

So, my question for myself is: why do I expect that others come forth and admit they are wrong when I have not yet developed the integrity and humbleness to do the same myself? And deeper, looking at the memories that I've connected to 'being wrong' and with that, the automated fear response, how is that I can expect others to transcend themselves as their memories and push through their fears when I have continued to allow the existence of my memories and fears, accepted them as being me, and allowed them to influence me?

Within this, I realize that when I have called others out as 'being deceptive' or 'deliberately withholding information' or 'not being truthful', is the pot calling the kettle black. I realize there is no understanding when I have had thoughts or voiced statements like this - I have separated myself from the indivuals and/or situation, I have not mirrored back to myself, and I have not taken responsibility for where is exists within and as me.

I see that I have got it in my mind that it's perfectly acceptable to call them out, show them how they are wrong within my morality system, and pardon the language ... to be a fucker about it. I realize this is my Ego, though, because in reality when I approach a situation or individual with understanding and already taken responsibility, I am gentle and introspective.

Day 216: You've Been Hijacked

"So you have truly been Hijacked by Evil: the Evil of the Light. It’s the same as a Moth that’s been Hijacked by the Light, it continues going to the Light, Ignoring the Evidence that Going to the Light inevitably is going to Wear you out and you’re going to End up Dying and that it’s Getting you Nowhere: the Moth keeps on Going to the Light." - Creation's Journey To Life, Day 445: The Universal Mind

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I've been hijacked. We've all been hijacked.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have been jacked up high - severed, separated, and lifted up off of the earth.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be high jacked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be jacked up into my mind where it's comfortable and away from what's become of our reality - a system of survival, starvation, curable disease, sacrifice, deliberate abuse, murder, and constant trauma.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to be hijacked - seized and manipulated to see my internal and external world in a distorted and backwards way so that I would be a part of and used as a tool to bring about a world that is not best for all and benefits a few.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the information that's been inserted into my mind - and I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become a willing slave instead of questioning the information and investigating to see whether or not it's in-fact true or a story that's been made up to protect those that fear the consequences and potential loss if/when/as the real truth comes out.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am all things - I am not just the part, I am the whole - and that what I accept and allow as myself, I accept and allow for all in existence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself see, realize, and understand myself as a creator. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed me, as a creator, to be hijacked and re-directed - allowed myself to be created into a creator for specific creation.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and be able to immediately take responsibility for why I would allow myself as a creator to be utilized to create a world of survival, suffering, pain and torment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest about the constant and continuous suffering, pain, and torment that goes on within and as me - as a being I have been separated, fragmented, and I have been furious about it and my physical body is literally being torn, stripped, drilled and sucked of physical resources so that me as my mind - with all of my fears, beliefs, self-definitions, relationship connections, and personalities - can survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider and want to believe that everything here as it exists is the result of a veeeeeeery tiny group of super elite manipulating everything for their own evil agenda. When two things are for sure: one, I don't know for certain what their agenda is - I mean there is so much disinformation and assumption going on, and two, I realize that if I accept that there is an evil group of hell bent manipulators controlling everything from behind the scenes and within this, allow myself to blame them, this is showing me how this archetype actually exists within and as me and that I am attempting to pin it on an external source.

Further, within the realization that I am all as one as equal, I see that this 'elite group' is me in another life.  They are in the same game of competition for resources - however, they are better at the game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react, judge and blame instead of allowing myself to breath, remain stable, and be with/as/for another, understand, embrace unconditionally and forgive as I would forgive myself.  And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest and see how I would have played the Game of Life no different if it were me as them - Why would I? If everything was going fine for me, why would I even consider changing or doing anything differently?  It's the same damn mind-set that is running in each and every one of us that are in a position of physical comfort, relationship distractions, and financial stability.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into helplessness and self-victimization and tell myself, "There's nothing I can do ..." or "I don't care ..." or "It's too late ..." instead seeing, understanding, and realizing that I/we must stop and change what I am/we are doing and create a balance within and as ourselves, each other and the world, where everything is equalized into win-win solutions.

To be continued with self-corrections and self-commitments.

Day 215: Myself As A Leader - Making Some Changes

On Day 213: Dark Side of Myself As A Leader, I took on some points that I've been facing about myself for sometime that I had finally had enough of.  This post is a continuation of that writing and self-forgiveness where I am now making some changes to how I have been seeing and doing things - not only as an external system leader but also internally personally.   Currently, I'm in a cool position of not having to be responsible for a lot of people - so, I can take a step back from it all, breath, and make a new plan for myself.   

I commit myself to stop attempting to possess other people and instead allow myself to let go.

I commit myself to stop repeating, "They are mine," to myself and within this, stop seeing others as mine and instead change my perspective back to myself and focus on becoming my own.

I commit myself to stop the desire to collect people by when and as this desire comes up, I remind myself to get myself collected - to bring the parts of myself that I've separated from myself back to myself. So, instead of going about the process of collecting the individual, I collect the point or part and bring it back here as me.

I commit myself to applying self-control - to take ownership of myself and be self-directive.  By doing this, I will support myself to stop attempting external control, ownership and having to be the only one to make all of the decisions.

I commit myself to stop attempting to separate others from each other and also stop making judgement calls about who can be trusted and who cannot.  I will stop placing myself as a guard and no longer accept and allow to see myself as a 'protector'.  So, when and as I see myself going into that physical urge of being the protector, I stop and breath.  I allow the fear to dissipate and I remind myself that there are no enemies - I have created enemies to feed my fear and utilized judgement to keep the whole thing going.  I'm done with that.  So instead of continuing to project all of this stuff onto others, I will focus on stopping the separation, focus on self-trust, and guarding myself from creating unnecessary consequence for others.

I commit myself to stop attempting to live out and within the alternate realities that I have created in my mind where everything is 'just so' and perfect.  I allow myself to let go of these things and become a collaborator - a Co-Lab-Operator - a Co-Lab-Orator. Co-testing, Co-speaking, co-creating and seeing how I can be a part of testing out others ideas and bringing them to reality.

I commit myself to stop going into panic and/or paranoia when I see a situation or a person as being unpredictable and/or somehow influencing an idea that I've managed to manifest.  I breath, let go, and see what unfolds.  I remind myself to allow myself to be curious again.

I commit myself to stop being territorial as at the moment, as outside of the survival system, I'm not seeing that it benefits anyone but myself. When and as I see that I am becoming physically uneasy or uncomfortable when and as I see someone that is 'too comfortable' or 'too friendly' in a space that I am in and see as mine, I stop, breath, and do not go into a reaction.  I relax and again, allow myself to let go so that I can be comfortable and friendly with myself.  Within this, I will stop my physical reaction of going into the 'bulldog' backchat/composure/stance/expression and see what comes up as an expression of me being here.

I commit myself to stop looking for and mapping out others weaknesses and instead focus on my own weaknesses that I can utilize to assist and support me in my process of oneness and becoming my potential by when and as I see myself looking for points in others that could potentially be seen as 'unlikable', 'weak' or less than perfect qualities, instead of marking others with those things, I flag-point them for myself as points for me to open up as myself and stop ignoring their existence within and as me.

I commit myself to remove the emotional and feeling energies that I have used to connect myself to others - and within this, I commit myself to stop myself from re-creating them. I commit myself to digging into understanding myself and why I have been continuing to not only maintain these connections but to also attempt to form new ones despite my awareness that it's a disservice to myself and others.

I commit myself to focus first on being a self-leader - and to assist and support myself with this process to let go of the fears, beliefs, judgments, thoughts, reactions, and physical programming that I have created within and as myself being an external system leader.  A cool goal I see for myself is to become a sort of life leader where the seeds are planted, the care is provided, and something grows ...

Day 214: The Gift of Sadness

My dog passed away last week. She'd been sick for about a month before we finally made the decision to let her go. In the end, she was in a lot of pain and could not move around. We made the best decision for her, though even making the best decision doesn't make not having the dog around easier. 

When we were at the vet having the procedure done, I looked over to the vet and she looked overcome with sadness. I was crying but at that moment I was grateful that we were able to do this for the dog - that we could relieve her of her pain. I said to the vet, "Why are you so sad? We're doing what is best for her." And she said, " I know ... But it doesn't make it any easier..." 

My dog not being here didn't 'hit me' until the next day - she was not here when I woke up, there was no dog to feed or go outside, no one watching my movements, and no one barking at the neighbors. I went about cleaning as the housework was set aside during the time I was nursing the dog - the hardest part was sweeping and vacuuming up the dog hair - I saw it as removing her and I didn't like that. I cried. I kept telling myself that I shouldn't be emotional - that I shouldn't be reacting to the the thoughts that came about her not being her anymore and the things we would no longer share together. I attempted to suppress the sadness and the crying which made the process physically painful. See, I had this idea that I should be beyond going into the thoughts and reactions - that I should be able to give myself what I got from my dog. Unfortunately, I wasn't there yet. It was an ideal - information and knowledge - an idea that wasn't yet realized.

Eventually, I gave up and allowed myself to be sad. I laid in bed, watched Netflix, slept and cried. I allowed myself to be aware that were weren't here together anymore, that I was lonely without her, that I could not give myself at this time what she had given me, and that I couldn't connect with another in the same way that I connected with her. I let it all come and I went into it. 

I had this belief that if I went into the sadness and responded to what was coming up for thoughts that I would be doing myself an injustice, that I would harm myself in some way, or that I would not come out of it and end up in a depression. This didn't happen though - and looking back I see that I hadn't yet trusted myself to be able to remember, to think about her, to see myself without her and be sad.

After about two days of being sad, I started to feel better - I again wanted to get up and be a part of everything again without my dog. I learned that I could trust myself to be sad and am on better terms with myself for giving this to myself.

This morning I was talking with a friend about sadness and he pointed that we are all sad - it is a part of all of us. He said that he's grateful for sadness. And you know, he's spot on. See, when I stopped denying sadness as being me and stopped attempting to separate myself from sadness - my sadness was supportive and assisted me to come to terms with the passing of my companion. 

Isn't it fascinating how we tell ourselves and each other that we shouldn't be sad? That we shouldn't be experiencing ourselves in this way? When all along it could be the best things for ourselves in the long-run? A gift we give ourselves when we require it the most. 

Day 213: Dark Side of Myself As A Leader

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as in possession of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself, "They are mine."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to collect people.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the groups that I have been in as my collection of people - in my mind I see it as many people in my circle - and within that circle, now for me to control, take ownership of and direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to see the confines that I place people in as a circle of defense. In my mind, the words repeat, "These are my people. Stay out. Stay away." And I see myself as a guard, constantly patrolling the perimeter, and keeping out anyone or anything that I don't see as worthy of 'my people'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to create an alternate reality for those whom I've 'collected' where I have attempted to physically manifest my idea of a perfect scenario - what I see as best for everyone. And having created this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend and protect my possessions - those that give life to the private little world that I've created from my ideas, beliefs, imaginations, and fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a panic when and as I have seen something or someone come in or attempt to come in from the area outside of the separation boundary that I have created - especially if it something or someone that I see myself as not being able to control and/or not be able to predict how the outside influence with effect things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become physically uncomfortable when and as someone or something is coming on to my territory in a way that I see as 'too comfortable' or 'too friendly' with what I have claimed as mine and after this, see and mark them as an enemy.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel all of myself into my eyes and face where I 'narrow' self, like a bullet or a bulldog, with my neck and shoulders pulled forward - still, quiet and watching - then saying to myself or out-loud with a deep sound, "No. This is not allowed. I don't like this ..."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be replaced if my people like the new individual more than me.  And as this fear, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go about making myself look better than the new individual where I will observe every move and listen to every word that the new individual makes and then map out their weaknesses in the event I see myself as having to manipulate opinion in my favor later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make energetic emotional and feeling connections to others - if I had not done this, than I wouldn't have gone into the desire to possess and thus physically manifested the possession.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood how much more complicated I have made my life and the lives of others as a result of that initial energetic relationship connection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lead from the points of creating energetic relationships and then fearing losing those energetic relationships.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed leaders who participate in the same pattern of creating emotional and feeling relationship connections to people, fearing losing that connection that we have defined ourselves by, and then making an enemy out of anyone or anything that threatens to change those relationship connections.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how this similar play-out exists within and as all of us existentially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and others as I have driven myself within my desire to manifest my ideas of what a perfect scenario is - unfortunately, my utopias have been created and managed from a starting point of separation and a backwards perspective about equality and oneness - they have only included a select few and not everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my vision and ideas about the way things could be. limit whom I share it with,  and also limit my potential as the one to lead the way because of my fear of making a mistake and losing it all. I realize that I must stop making emotional and feeling attachments to all of these for me to be able to open up, trust, and express myself.

Self-correction and self-commitment statements to follow.

Day 212: Making Something Out of Nothing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to suppress a point that keeps coming up in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed with a point that keeps coming up in my mind because it won't go away - and I often catch myself going into it with imaginations and making it bigger than it is. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want or desire for things to be more or greater than what they are so that I can have a positive energetic experience. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself when I have allowed myself to go into my imaginations on things - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grumble, mutter, and be pissy with myself when I 'take the bait'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then become angry with myself as I have judged myself as doing something that I shouldn't be doing.

And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself: this is a pattern that I created for myself over YEARS - it is who I have become - and I'm required to come to terms with that so I can re-pattern myself in a way that works better for me and the commitments that I have made in this life and make the absolute best of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in conflict with myself - one part of me wanting to separate from the point and another part of me wanting to connect.

And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself within polar ways of being - hot/cold, gentle/hard, calm/stimulated, open/closed, interested/disinterested - all depending on what's going on in my mind and what I see that I am getting or not getting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see - that just because a thought is coming up in my mind - that I have to respond to it, interact with it, and make it real. Not realizing the amount of energy that I am placing into that one thought - and all of the friction and conflict I have imposed upon myself to generate that energy - all to make something out of nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself as my physical body in my pursuit of a positive energetic experience.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program my physical body to respond to the pursuits of my mind - I have fully integrated my mind into my body to the point of where I am barely able to differentiate between what's a physical process and what's a mind process - life and not life - expression and suppression.

I commit myself to no longer suppress what comes up in my mind by when and as these uncomfortable, seemingly unchangeable points come up, I allow myself to see them and sort them out with introspection, writing, self-forgiveness and solutions.

I commit myself to stop reacting to those annoying points that come in my mind - the one's that keep coming up even though I have been actively working to understand and fix the issue by when and as I experience that reaction of annoyance of frustration begin to accumulate, I stop, breath, and remind myself that the point simply requires more work and that perhaps there is another dimension to the issue that I hadn't considered - and continue breathing until the energy dissipates. I then commit myself to looking at the point a bit deeper and allow myself to open up to myself what I have missed.

I commit myself to stop making things more - and for that matter, less than - what they are by not allowing myself to go into my mind on these things and instead going into the physical with writing and self-forgiveness as I am aware that my mind is always going to make things bigger, smaller, backwards, upside down, and even distorted from what's really going on.

I commit myself to be patient with myself as I make changes - so I will stop myself from getting all frustrated, pissy and grumbling to myself as I realize this pissed off personality is just another character that I'm playing out - and in this case, for my benefit.  I remind myself that this acting out is self-dishonest and like I have been telling myself, "I'm trying!" When I'm really not.  So, when this urge comes up to act out this Pissed Off character for myself, instead of acting it out, I will use it as a flagpoint for myself to slow it down, be patient, and push myself to go further.

I commit myself to remind myself that the thoughts coming up in my mind aren't 'real' to the extent that it's the Law of Me, the Authority of Me, the decider of things, and Me In General by when and as the thoughts come up, I allow myself to look at them and decide what to do with them - either see that it's just a thought or sort it out when/as/if I am experiencing a reaction.

I commit myself to this journey of re-programming myself as my physical body to respond in a way that is best!

Day 211: Pot & Kettle

I've been working with a point for a few months now where I require someone else to assist me with something because I have not seen how I can do it for myself.  I have asked, I have pushed, I have yelled, I have pleaded, I have cried, I have been changing my perspective, changed the way I do things, and I have presented alternative solutions.  There have been times when I just want to throw my arms up in the air and say, 'Fuck it! I give up!' - and I really do wish this was possible - that I could just say, 'I'm done with this', and be done with it.  But it's not happening.

I have noticed that every time I approach this problem and do not come up with a workable solution, that I say to myself, "Well, I'm just going to have to do this on my own ..." And then, I say to myself, "But I don't want to have to do this on my own.  Why do I have to do this on my own?  Everyone else in this similar situation does not have to do this on their own!" I have then started crying and being miserable.  This pattern has been repeating over and over and over again.

I ask myself, "Why am I so emotional about this? Why can I not accept that I am going to have to either give this point up or take care of it on my own?"  And my answer is the same: Because I don't want to.

Tonight my son Hunter was asking me to get him a snack.  Not only was he able to get himself a snack but I was also working so I said, "No. You get it."  The thing is, I will usually just go and get him whatever he wants when he asks, though this time, I didn't see why he couldn't do it himself.  He started to whine, "Noooooooooo. I don't want to do it myself ... you have to do it for me ..." And then started whimpering and carrying on for the next half-hour until he fell asleep.

Well, oh my god.  Talk about the pot showing the kettle how black it is.  He was doing the exact same thing that I had been doing shortly before ... having a temper tantrum.

When I look at what he's experiencing, I see that he's accustomed to me getting him a snack when he wants one and he's satisfied with that. So when the situation changes and he's placed in a position of having to change what he's doing, it's not an easy thing.  I see in him how I have gotten into these habits and ways of doing things based on how they have played out in the past - and I'm so accustomed to things going that one and only way that I do not consider that there may be another way to do things.  In fact, I don't even want to consider it.  My mind does not see the point of it when things work just fine doing the 'old way', the way that I know, and the way that I see everyone else is doing it.

So, the reality is that if this point is important enough for me to have for myself, I will have to do it for myself. And within this, give up all of my ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, and future projections of how it should be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do certain things on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change how I am doing things - even when the situation changes and there are no other practical alternatives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when things change and as a result of this change, I have to change.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness and pity for myself because things didn't go as planned, as I had hoped, or how others are going about doing similar things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have temper tantrums where I attempt to manipulate the sitatuation - and myself and others in the situation - with crying, anger, frustration, being miserable, and expressing depression.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control others with these manipulation tactics instead of moving myself to do things for myself by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to do certain things for me - even when I am capable of moving myself to do these things for myself.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy and to not commit myself to doing this important thing for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my beliefs to stand in the way of me changing.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed all of this - ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, resistance, emotions, temper tantrums, manipulation tactics and laziness - all because I have had a fear of the unknown and having to face it on my own.

I commit myself to do this for myself by putting my all into it, understanding it, exploring it, and learning how to do it on my own.

I commit myself to stopping myself from becoming emotional when I am faced with a point that's changed and as a result must change myself by when and as the thoughts come up of me being the victim somehow, getting the short end of the stick, and/or any of the reasons why things should go as I want, expect, or hope, I stop and breath.  I remind myself: this is Life - Life changes and where I've made the commitment to participate with and be Life, I've got to change too.

I commit myself to be equal-to the force of Life in my change and doing things for myself.

I commit myself to stop handling situations with temper tantrums and other manipulation tactics by when and as I see myself wanting to act out or speak out my frustration because something has changed, I'm not in control of a situation, and/or because I don't know what else to do, I stop and breath.  I don't allow myself to get myself worked up and in a panic and instead allow myself to breath myself back to where I can see things clearly and look at how I can approach the changed situation.  I realize that if I don't allow myself to go into my thoughts and beliefs on the matter, that I'm better able to sort things out and make adjustments as necessary.

I commit myself to stop allowing all of these ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, and resistances to influence me from changing - I realize that it's all utter nonsense.  And, really, I can be done with it at this point and simply use these things coming up for self-support.

I commit myself to show myself what I can do for myself to support myself.