Day 158: The Bully

"I worship, admire, look-up-to, follow the lead of, and place myself in loyal relationships with those that fit into my idea and/or imagination of Rock Stars, The Best, and/or Perfected because I tell myself that if I am associated to/with these individuals, that this sends a message to all that this is Who I Am as well which gives me instant access to the positive feeling charge of Acceptance." - Care's Journey To Life, Day 157: The Rock Star!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by The Bully in my mind where: I tell myself that if I am not accepted, that I am not popular or that if I cannot influence others that I am a failure - a failure to myself and others. I determine my value by the amount of relationships that I am able to accumulate, manage, and control. Instead of managing the direction of my own life to realize myself to my potential and within this acquiring self-acceptance and allowing myself to see my value as a life equal to all others, I beat myself up time-and-time again because I believed this is what I must do to survive in what I see as complete chaos and confusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully others and be bullied by others. I have not investigated this point, why it exists, and why I allow it to exist even though I see clearly that the nature of bullying is to inflict harm. I have not questioned it but instead gone along with it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to observe my mind in action because it is here that the origin point of my acceptance and allowance of bullying is shown to me clearly. If I had questioned the thoughts and self-diminishing words that I belittle myself with instead of forcing myself to believe they are true, I would have stood up and seen that bullying exists in my external world because it exists in my internal world as I bully myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that as long as I allow myself to bully myself, I will allow others to be bullied by myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my fear of loss of acceptance from an external source. Because of my acceptance and allowance of this fear, I rarely took risks for others and I never took risks for myself to assist and support myself and others in seeing our potential as simply an expression of life and exploring what we can do here. No, I was fearful of what others would think of me or how they would react if I were 'different' - which is actually my own fear of what I will be and who I will become if I let go of what I know and go into the unknown/undefined.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look at how Bulling benefits me. It is obvious that Bullying assist me in feeling better about myself when I place myself as superior over others - but what else? What about when I am Bullied? Or what do I have to gain by controlling others with the same abusive tactics that I practice on myself? Who do I think that I am? Why would I not want who I am and how I do things questioned?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to STOP BULLYING - just get rid of it completely - because it's something that I hold near and dear as to maintain my individuality regardless of whether I am the bully, I'm being bullied, or I'm bullying the bullies. Is my individuality worth it? Did I really work that hard to create myself into the person that I Am? And am I really that special and unique that I need to be preserved and to never ever change or make changes?

Day 157: The Rock Star!

 

"Here is where I began to see why I ignored my physical signs because I was caught up in this idea of myself as having to preserve my individuality as a Rock Star.  Where, in my professional world, this label was given to me, I liked it, and I desired to preserve this because of the doors it opened for me and within this the experience of accomplishment and confirmation of my ability." - Care's Journey To Life, Day 156: Unwinding


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align myself with the Words Rock Star and the positive meaning that have attached to these words.  In my mind, a Rock Star pushes their physical limits effortlessly, is the best at what they do, stands as a shining beacon, and has a bunch of 'fans' that constantly and continuously give them positive feedback about their performance.  So seeing a Rock Star in a positive light and wanting to be associated to this image so that I could experience myself in this positive way with all the perks that come with it, I pushed myself and forced myself to always be better than the day before.  I see that it's cool to realize my potential for myself however, my starting point was my desire for acceptance, positive feedback from my external world, to make a name for myself, and to insure that I do not miss out any opportunity that would benefit me as an individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself from a point of fearing failure instead of from a point of self-curiosity and self-discovery where I test to see what I can do and how I can better improve myself - for my own self and not for any external reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself and/or place myself in a relationship with things and people that I see as Rock Stars, The Best, or Perfected as per my mind's idea or these archetypes.  I worship, admire, look-up-to, follow the lead of, and place myself in loyal relationships with those that fit into my idea and/or imagination of Rock Stars, The Best, and/or Perfected because I tell myself that if I am associated to/with these individuals, that this sends a message to all that this is Who I Am as well which gives me instant access to the positive feeling charge of Acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate this attraction to others whom I Want To Be into and as me to such an extent that it is now an automated behavior.  I have been on autopilot and have not questioned it.  Why would I?  This automation has benefited me time-and-time again - with as little as effort as possible and minimal risk.  So, while I am busy squeezing myself into anothers image and likeness so that I can hide from putting in the effort required to establish self-acceptance, nothing changes.  I ignore anything and anyone outside of my immediate self-interested drive - including my self-communication, others that I do not want to be identified with because they are a mirror of my self-judgment, and the world that I am trying to control by refusing to face it.

From a parental perspective, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show children to do the same as myself.  I encourage children to attach themselves to Super Heroes, Rock Stars and those that look Perfected and like they are The Best in hopes that they will become or be like that imaginary person so that I can say, "I created this person and this person is me." So, as an additional insurance of my acceptance from my external world, I encourage the child to be what I want to be so that I can continue living in the image and likeness of others because it's easy, there is little-to-no risk, and requires much less effort than actually developing myself or showing a child how to develop themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this Hero Worship that we accept and allow ourselves to imprint upon ourselves is the reason why our world is structured the way it is with many on the bottom and one at the top. Where: the one at the top - The Hero, The Rock Star, The Best of the Best, The Perfected Human Being has the money,the resources, the education, and the career. And instead of doing what is required to make sure that all realize their potential, including ourselves, we worship them, we work for them, we accept ourselves as less-than them, we drive ourselves to be like them/be associated with them, allow ourselves to be influenced by them, and enter into a Master-Slave agreement to survive. All because we never once questioned why the world is structured like a pyramid and have not looked at the consequences of our fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, fear of change, and fear of risking anything.

Day 156: Unwinding

"I fractured my left ankle.  Up until the moment that I broke the bone, there as a timeline of physical warnings that I ignored.  For about 6 weeks prior to my injury, I consistently would twist my ankles as I rushed around from one task to another.  I was aware that I needed to slow down but I reasoned this was impossible for me to do and instead of practicing slowing myself and practicing moving/walking in breath, I changed my shoes.  I continued to twist my ankles and continued to ignore it until I finally took a short step that needed to be a long step and my bone gave out."- Care's Journey To Life, Day 154: I'm Broken

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my physical warnings that showed clearly that I was required to slow down.  I did not want to slow down because I get a positive energetic charge out of moving fast and showing others how effective I am.  Instead of taking the opportunity to practice self-discipline and respect for my self as flesh, I gave into my desire to experience respect from my external world as it assist me as my Ego to feel good.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny that I may have a physical limitation when and as I continually twisted and turned my ankles.  I have not wanted to see and be honest with myself that: because of my years of participating with and as my mind, I have in-fact aged.  This, combined with the years of hard physical labor have compromised the structure of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand, realize, and see that I am NOT invincible and that I am aging - just like everyone else.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve that it was impossible for me to slow down.  This was a lie that I told mysef to justify my desire to hold on to my individuality.  It has become quite clear that it is possible for me to slow down because since my injury, I have been required to move extremely slow - where, if I do not move slow there is a consequence of pain and/or permanent damage to the structure of my leg.

Here is where I began to see why I ignored my physical signs because I was caught up in this idea of myself as having to preserve my individuality as a Rock Star.  Where, in my professional world, this label was given to me, I liked it, and I desired to preserve this because of the doors it opened for me and within this the experience of accomplishment and confirmation of my ability.

Day 155: Automated Parent

"When I heard my bone POP, I told myself that I 'really effed myself up this time' and I was aware of why: In spite of the fact that my body had given me plenty of warning and in spite of the consequences I have walked in the recent past for being too hard on my body, I made a decision to repeat a pattern."

When I heard my bone POP, I told myself that I 'really effed myself up this time' and I was aware of why: In spite of the fact that my body had given me plenty of warning and in spite of the consequences I have walked in the recent past for being too hard on my body, I made a decision to repeat a pattern. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/09/day-154-im-broken.html#sthash.6aiiYA7c.dpuf

Care's Journey To Life, Day 154: I'm Broken.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fracture and break my ankle bone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'really effing up this time'.  I see that I am often unnecessarily hard on myself because I believe that punishing myself with Words or thoughts makes a mistake better or more acceptable somehow - which, it never does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself as an emotional reaction to my judgment of myself.  I tell myself that I am taking responsibility for myself by being angry and disappointed at myself, my thoughts, my words, and my actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I am repeating and recreating myself as the judgmental and controlling Parent where I judge myself as 'in the wrong', I react in disappointment and anger,  and then expect some sort of show of remorse.  I have accepted and allowed this parenting tactic to such an extent that it has become automated.  I do not question it - even though in the end, when it is all said and done and I have inflicted mental and emotional harm on myself, nothing changes and nothing improves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of self-judgment and to ask WHY I have accepted and allowed self-judgment to exist within and as me so that I can assist and support myself to stop bullying, diminishing, and belittling myself and actually get into the process of developing self-acceptance, self-respect and preventing mistakes from repeating. 

Day 154: I'm Broken

Two weeks ago I fractured my ankle and have been told that it will take a total 6-weeks to heal.  For the most of the these past two weeks I've been on the couch with my leg elevated and I am just now getting to the point in my recovery process of where I can start working at my desk again.  I have been writing daily in a notebook and am sharing this writing starting here:

Monday, August 26, 2013

I fractured my left ankle.  Up until the moment that I broke the bone, there as a timeline of physical warnings that I ignored.  For about 6 weeks prior to my injury, I consistently would twist my ankles as I rushed around from one task to another.  I was aware that I needed to slow down but I reasoned this was impossible for me to do and instead of practicing slowing myself and practicing moving/walking in breath, I changed my shoes.  I continued to twist my ankles and continued to ignore it until I finally took a short step that needed to be a long step and my bone gave out.

In the moment before I took that wrong step, I was reacting.  I was angry, I was disappointed, and I was backchatting.

When I heard my bone POP, I told myself that I 'really effed myself up this time' and I was aware of why: In spite of the fact that my body had given me plenty of warning and in spite of the consequences I have walked in the recent past for being too hard on my body, I made a decision to repeat a pattern.

Now I am looking at a 6-week recovery time.  And thus far, I have been able to do very little.  All that I can do is decide how to move or IF I actually can which has assisted in putting my process of slowing myself down into perspective as I now see, realize, and understand what and how it is to have a relationship in every moment of every breath with my physical body and what's in my immediate external environment where I have to be present and consider everything when and as I move.

Day 153: The Writing Ho-Hums

Over the past couple of weeks, I have had a great amount of resistance to writing.  I have been experiencing 'blankness' where I would usually have something to write about at all times.  Many of the points that emerge throughout my day are either being directed or have easy, practical solutions.  For the other points, I tell myself that it may not be best to share and that it would be better for everyone if I walked these points in private.

In general, I have not been motivated to push myself.  Like the wind is out my sails.  I did not realize until recently how much I have relied on others to keep me motivated - and now I see just how much I have been relying on others to do this for me when that outside motivational support is no longer here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into my resistance to writing.  I accepted my 'blankness' and/or told myself that it would 'go away' and that I would be back to myself with topics to write about again.  I thought that I needed a break - that, maybe if I took a breather that I would soon have many things to write out and about.  So, the days passed and nothing changed - I did not have any 'pressing' points emerge that I felt a desire to write about.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to go deeper into my process of understanding myself because of fear.  Fear of what others will think, fear that I'm not directing 'new' points effectively, and fear that the things that I would like to write about will cause backchat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself as hard as I was pushing before because my relationships and daily living have become very stable where I am now able to support my family and others in a way that is best and I'm self-supporting myself with practical, common sense solutions.  I have been so accustomed to everything being a shit-storm during my existence and using this as my only point of self-motivation that when and as there is no longer uncontrollable chaos and turmoil in my immediate world, I see no reason to have to change anything else.  If it 'ain't broke, don't fix it', right?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the fear of not being liked or causing problems/discomfort with others instead of not allowing this fear to influence me and to continue writing regardless.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my desire to keep the darker stuff about myself private is in-fact me not wanting to expose this stuff to myself.  Why open up a can of worms when I've finally gotten some relief?

Day 152: Bernard is Dead. Now What?

Bernard Poolman died on Sunday, August 11, 2013. Like many others, I experienced shock and I asked, “How could this happen?” I had been considering for several weeks what would happen if he did die and I concluded that it simply would not happen. I reasoned that he was in good physical condition, that he took care of his body, and that the world needs him. In my mind, I imagined that he would be with us here until we were certain that each being had a life worth living and that until that time, he would not rest. I imagined that some day, when we get this done, that he would be free - free to rest and maybe even free from the pain that he lived with. This was the initial point that emerged when I heard of Bernard's death and it was shocking because this was not how imagined it going! This is not the way it was supposed to be! As a group, we were going to have our happy ending, damnit! No, no, no!

After this, I allowed myself to go into my thoughts and I got caught up in my dramas for several hours. My DIP buddy was here for support and the group was writing out their processes of remaining stable which assisted me in stabilizing myself. About mid-day today I made the decision to not participate in the random thoughts that were coming up and the self-pity, self-judgment, regret, blame, and emotional reactions stopped. None of my reactions changed anything anyway - I'm still here, I'm still breathing, Bernard is still dead, and our world still messed up. So, now what?

I realize that Bernard was a point of support. He has walked the process of self-forgiveness that we are now walking so he could see where we're at and give practical perspective on where we could direct ourselves more effectively. It's clear that we've been shown all of the tools to give ourselves this level of support and when and as we face a point that requires another's perspective, we have each other and the Desteni Forum.

Bernard was really good at showing us responsible decisions. He's shown us the same points time-and-time again and in as many ways as possible. It is all here and documented in the Creations Journey To Life blog and his v-logs. Now we must walk the points presented and realize them for ourselves.

I realize that any other defined relationships that I connected to Bernard are points that I must bring back to and give to myself.

With these realizations, the answer to 'now what?' is: I stand. And here I state my commitment to the Desteni group, being a part of bringing to reality a world that is best for all, and continuing with my process of self-awareness.

So, thanks for the support, direction, and down-to-earth explanations Bernard. And thanks for the wake-up call! It was really cool having you here with us.