Day 229: Moving On From What Happened

Moving on from what happened in my relationship is something that I have had the most difficulty with.  There has been this constant, pervasive fear that it will happen again and this belief that I have to be vigilant - like, I will fuck myself if I miss any one detail.  This one event in my relationship and in my life has triggered so many fears and completely changed how I see myself and my fellow human beings.  Trust has become non-existent in my life, my relationships with others and my relationship with myself.

The fears have actually become annoying and frustrating.  I have written them out, done the self-forgiveness, committed myself to change and still, they are here with me.  Along the way, I had this realization that I need to handle my mind fears in the same way that I do the other points that I have been changing in my life: when the fear comes up, don't go into it, and keep repeating this until I get myself out of the habit of going into the thoughts, reactions, and what-if fears.  Being the one to direct and decide for myself how I would handle these things as they came up has been supportive, however, the reactions, the thoughts, and the what-if fears still come.

Looking back, I see that part of the problem is that I have given in during times when I have not been strong and that this vigilance, consistency, and persaviness has been mis-directed externally instead of being vigilant and consistent with pervasive commitment with myself.

Another point is that I have been existing in a belief and physical experience of being stuck as as though I have no choice but to have to go through this and see it to the end.  This belief has brought me to the points of having very little enjoyment in my daily life and perceiving that I am obligated to and/or responsible for others as I have not been considering myself, taking time for myself, and have usually been putting others needs, wants, and desires ahead of my own.  From this emerged something interesting that a friend of mine noticed --  I have been using my assumption of responsbility for others as a way to not face what is really here with me.

Even more interesting is when my friend suggest that I let go and allow others the space to grow - she pointed out that, with my relationship specifically, that we have been holding each other back, that we have become dependent on each other, and have been very miserable as a result of this ... my mind immediately went into imagining a break-up scenerio - I had the experience of panic, worry, fear, what-ifs, sadness, and lonliness.  And I realized just how emotionally attached I am to another - that I have not been seeing things in this relationship clearly as they have become clouded with all of these fears, worries, and anxieties that I have avoided looking at.

So, what to do from here?

I have been working on relationship points for what seems all of my life - it has become clearer and clearer that it's my catalyst in assisting and supporting myself to get to the core of me. No matter how much I have resisted relationships, my mind continues to persist.  I could attempt to separate myself from intimate relationships completely but who I am, either in a relationship or not in a relationship, will still be here with me.  The problems are usually not with relationships or others - the issues have been mostly my emotionally veiled sense of perception.

My plan for myself is to let go.  I commit myself to let go of my fears, worries, anxieties and what-ifs by breathing, stopping myself from suppressing or distracting myself from them with the habit I have formed of putting others first and/or assuming responsibility for others.

I commit myself to assisting and supporting myself to let go of my fears by making a list of what's coming up - even the little fears throughout the day - as I look at my relationships - and from this list, look where else the fears exist in my life outside of the relationship and ask myself questions: What can I learn about myself from this? Where did this come from? What can I do about this? How can I direct this situation?

As I walk this plan for myself, I commit myself to stop allowing emotions to veil what I'm looking at and how I'm looking at it by breathing, reminding myself that I can't look at anything constructively while reacting - that, if I move myself into the emotions that this will trigger the what-ifs which place me back into looping through the pattern.

I commit myself to assist and support myself with stopping myself from going into the temptation of emotions by identifying the emotions and forgiving the emotions.

Day 228: Damsel In Distress - Back To Self

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stand as a point of comfort, security, consistency and strength for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when/as getting to know others and forming a perception of who/what they are or have become, judge and then reject them and within this, not stand as an unconditional point of comfort, security, consistency and strength.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how my outer actions are a mirror reflection of my inner actions - and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when/as getting to know myself and forming perceptions about who/what I have become, to then judge and reject myself and from this starting point, to self-sabotage my ability to be comfortable with myself, secure, consistent, and strong.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I reject others and myself when seeing how our minds work and how we respond to/act out our mind patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cross my arms, turn my back, walk away, and to not come back when I see what's going on with others and the decisions they have made that I judge and disapprove of.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this behavior onto others - as if it's something they will do to me - fearing my own behavior and that others will do to me what I have done to them.  Instead of standing in another's shoes and seeing how it can effect others as it has myself, understanding, and seeing where I can support, I have attempted to separate myself from it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into being overwhelmed and self-pity when and as I have seen things about myself that look to big or too extensive for me to sort out and within this, telling myself that I have been defeated, broken, and that I am alone and becoming sad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I find myself becoming sad and having other negative emotional reactions to what's going on within and outside of me that seems to big or overwhelming, distract myself by focusing on activities from which I can get a positive energetic high - meanwhile, the issues do not get resolved or sorted and continue to accumulate.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to coerce others to do the same - to focus on the positive or what feels good in the face of the negative or what looks/feels shitty. And so, not supporting others to focus on sorting out the issue(s).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave others, to never come come back, to hate, to stop caring, and to stop supporting as a quick fix for myself to not have to deal with the fears, judgments, thoughts, and insecurities that come up as I walk with others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand and be cool with myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a panic when/as things come up in my mind about the decisions I have made.  And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to utilize panic and anxiety to assist me to see that I have been or likely will be repeating the same mind/behavior pattern again if I do not change - continuing on with doing/thinking things that aren't supportive and accumulating the turmoil as a result of the self-conflict.

Day 227: Damsel In Distress

So, an interesting thing I noticed about myself a couple of weeks ago is how I have been going into an 'I Need You' Personality after I have participated in certain mind and behavior patterns that I don't particularly like about myself or when looking back on a decision or action that I have made that I have believed is wrong.

The things that I have seen about myself that I don't like and my behaviors that I see as wrong have triggered my fear of loss where in my mind I have imagined that if anyone finds out these things about me than I will lose the relationships and what I am getting out of the relationship like comfort, security, stability, commitment, affection, and care.

When faced with the fear of loss, it has been an 'oh shit ... how do I fix this or keep myself from losing these things?' moment and from there, I have automatically focused on how I can manipulate relationships in my favor.  In this case, my solution was to cast myself into the Damsel In Distress Role as the insecure, unstable, emotionally delicate, small and vulnerable female that says, "I'm not okay, I'm so small, I'm weak, I NEED YOU - to protect me, to hold me, to make everything okay for me ..."

Once I saw what I was doing - how I was manipulating others so that I could be comforted physically, emotionally and mentally instead of standing, facing myself, and taking responsibility for myself and changing what I was seeing, I stopped myself.  I realized that I had been abdicating myself, compromising others, and that this 'need' I had been demanding be satiated by an external source, distracted others from being able to focus on themselves and their own process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need others for comfort, security, stability, consistency, and strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if others knew me for who I really am and have become, that I would be rejected and within that, lose my sources of comfort, security, stability, consistency, and strength.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to develop comfort, security, stability, consistency, and strength for/as myself.  Instead, placing myself in need/want/desire to get these things from an external source.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself being rejected if anyone were to see my how my mind works and how I have been responding to/acting out my mind patterns.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out in my mind how others will cross their arms, turn their back on me, walk away, and never come back if they were to see what goes on in my mind and the decisions/mistakes I have made.
 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to show myself the result of others finding out about me: me, defeated, alone, sad, and broken - and being a physical expression of those emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had a conversation with myself about what's going to happen if/when/as others see the mistakes I have made with my decisions. I say to myself, "They are going to leave me. They are never going to come back. They are going to hate me. I'm never going to get things from them anymore. I will be alone ... Oh shit. How do I fix this so they never know or question me? I have to distract them."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself, "They are not able to understand," and/or, "They will never be able to understand me and be okay with me."

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into Panic with/as I have internal conversations about myself about what's going to happen to me if/when/as others become aware of who/what I have become and the decisions that I have made while living out/acting on my mind-patterns.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing what I am getting from others for comfort, security, stability, strength, consistency, holding me, and pulling me back up on my feet when I have fallen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out the Damsel In Distress with the sound signature of "I Need You" and making myself appear to be distressed, vulnerable, and physically smaller by folding myself into on myself while communicating worry, fear, and anxiety with my eyes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as the Damsel In Distress that is in need, have manipulated myself and others, abdicated myself, held myself and others back from moving forward in our processes, and to have created this false-self/false-reality - all from my self-interest and benefit only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for consequences that I have created for myself and others by hiding behind the Damsel In Distress That Needs You personality/character. And within this, not seeing, realizing, and understanding that it's simply something that I didn't allow myself to see in awareness until that moment and in that moment, how I had made the decision to change and not go into it.

To be continued...

Day 226: Regret (and other emotions) Supports Me To Change

I commit myself to when and as I see something is not working, to do something about it.

I commit myself to stop making threats - to stop threatening to change things - and to instead move myself to change.

I commit myself to stop myself from prolonging situations that aren't improving nor aligning with the way that is best for me to be living with by when and as I become aware that things aren't working nor in alignment with what's best, I will no longer attempt to reason, justify, explain away, or ignore it.  I will instead sit down with myself, clear myself of reactions, decide on an action that is best, and then move on the decided change.

I commit myself to be my own change and to no longer to anticipate, hope, or expect others to be that change for me.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to become stuck in misery or being miserable by when and as I become miserable, I remind myself to use being miserable as a point of support to change - that the misery is not an acceptable long-term solution and within/as being miserable, I direct myself to explore solutions for myself that I can be satisfied with.

I commit myself to stop going into 'self-sacrifice' as have become aware that this personality and other similar to it, is a farce and an attempt to be something that hides something else about me that I have not wanted to face and change.

I commit myself to stop holding onto memories and times when things are 'okay' or 'good' by reminding myself that if things were actually 'good' or 'okay', they would always that way and would not go to the opposite polarity of being shit.  Additionally, when and as I see myself looking for the 'good times' and telling myself that things are or will be okay, I stop, breath, and look for the point that I am attempting to ignore or suppress and then re-direct myself to face it.

I commit myself to stop myself from allowing my fear of the unknown to influence my decisions by when and as I am in the process of making decisions, I will direct myself to make sure that I am clear on this point - and within this, also to remind myself of the potential within/as the unknown!

I commit myself to stopping fearing regret and fearing the potential that I may regret the decisions that I make.  The reality is that this is not the first nor the last time that I have become regretful - it's a part of me living, making changes, and fine-tuning. With regret, the point for me is to utilize it for my awareness to not repeat the same mistakes and patterns again.

I commit myself to stop fearing change by when and as the fear of change comes up in response to a changing situation or a situation the requires my direction to change, with all of the 'What ifs ...', thoughts, future projections, beliefs, and backchats come up, I stop, breath, self-forgive what's coming up then give myself time to look at the situation in a disciplined way and allow myself to embrace the opportunity to be creative with change and making changes.  I will work with change instead of running from it.

I commit myself to no longer allowing 'What If ...' thoughts to influence, direct and/or control my decisions or things about myself and living that I would like to change.

I commit myself to stopping myself from going into anger and frustration when things aren't going as I would like, hoped, and/or expected by when and as I see that things aren't going as I would have liked, how I would have hoped, or how I had expected, I stop and breath.  I self-forgive the information and emotions coming up and then re-direct myself to take a self-honest look at my self-expectations and what would be cool for me to live - as this is what is really required to be sorted out and worked on.

I commit myself to stopping myself from having temper tantrums by when and as the urge comes up to physically release all of my accumulated anger and frustration, I stop, I breath, I remove myself from the situation, continue to breath and be here until stable.  When and as the energy has dissipated, I self-forgive.  Here, I see, realize, and understand that my starting point with stopping and changing acting out temper tantrums is to NOT DO IT.

I commit myself to changing my responses by when and as I see myself expressing with words and behaviors that aren't cool, I look for what it is that I am attempting to express and for ways that I can express them in way that is not suppressing.  Here I utilize the tools of self-forgiveness and redefining myself.

I commit myself to utilize the moments that I become Miserable or Dissatisfied to look at where I have become miserable and dissatisfied with self and look at what it is that I can change about myself for self-fulfillment and self-satisfaction.

Day 225: Why Didn't I Do Something About It?

Self-Forgiveness for Day 224: Not So Obvious (To Me Anyway)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for allowing myself to live, for a very long time, in the way that I have been and for doing nothing about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry on about, draw out, and/or threaten to do something about a situation that wasn't best for years instead of making the move to actually change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for prolonging the inevitable. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not making the move to change my situation much earlier when I had started to become aware that what I was living with/in/as was really fucked up and not cool at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and bitter at myself and others for me begging externally for my situation to change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be miserable for as long as I did - not seeing, realizing, nor understanding that being miserable is fine for a moment to support myself to make changes - and not a long-term solution where I had accepted it as 'wear for the road' and had come to believe that being miserable is normal - a sort of sacrifice of self for the greater good.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold on to the times when things were 'good' or 'okay' - getting myself caught up in the polarity of 'this is shit' but 'it's good sometimes too'. Bouncing back and forth instead of slowing myself down and facing what has been underneath it: a fear of the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my 'What if ...' thoughts to influence me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated when things aren't going well, as I would want, or as I had expected - and for having held on to the anger and frustration and allowing it to accumulate into Rage instead of self-forgiving it in the moment and the moments that the same patterns have played out in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, with this accumulated anger, frustration, and rage, to act out with temper tantrums. become physically erratic, throw my arms up, point fingers, become intense, yell, and scream - not seeing that this is not an actual release of the accumulated emotions, only makes things worse, and conditions me to allow the behavior again - each time, going into it quicker than the last.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to change how I am responding to the situations that come up in my daily living - and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry and frustrated with myself for my responses that aren't cool.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become miserable and dissatisfied with myself and how I am not responding in way that is supportive for me and others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become jealous and resentful of others whom I have been perceiving as having freedom to do as they like, the ability to adapt and/or bounce back from bad situations, and easily make changes for themselves - and get caught up in this - instead of seeing that Freedom, Adaptability, and Change are words and ways of being that have yet to be defined and lived by myself - and to stop what I am doing with the reactions and work on that.

Day 224: Not So Obvious (To Me Anyway)

I have been angry with myself for allowing myself to live the way I have for the past 16 years - and doing nothing about it. Always threatening to do something about my situation but never actually going through with it - and because of this, angry at myself for prolonging the inevitable with my hopes and begging an external source for things to change.  Looking back, I have been miserable, however, I have overlooked this and instead used and held onto those rare and few moments where everything was okay and sometimes good.

I see that I was afraid that I would regret making a change.  In my mind I have been thinking, "Well, what if this gets better? What if things can be more good than miserable? What if I change what I am doing here to get me my desired result?"  I'm seeing more and more how the WHAT-IF question as been my downfall and leads me down so many roads that aren't best for me or anyone else.

And then there are the beliefs like, "I need to give this a chance to get better.  I need to be stronger. I need to make myself happy or at the very least, make myself appear happy.  I need to make myself better and good enough to be worthy of what it is that I would like to accomplish."

What tends to happen with me when I have seen myself working on something and have not seen results is that I have become frustrated and angry.  Then, I have been projecting this anger, frustration, and other emotions and blaming external sources to the point of acting it out with words and having temper tantrums - which have been the behavioral patterns of 'snapping', becoming physically erratic, throwing my arms up, pointing fingers, becoming very intense, yelling, and sometimes screaming - and have continually come up for me overtime with no change.

So, I wonder. What is it that I'm actually angry about?  Yes, the obvious point that I'm pissed off at myself for putting off something that happened regardless.  And the not-so-obvious point (to me anyway) that I have been angry at myself for not changing how I respond to the way that I am living.

Something I noticed today is the voice inside of me that is resentful - resentful that I have been stuck in all this and that I have no freedom to do and make changes as I like - and within this, perceiving that others have the freedom to do and make changes as they would like in self-interest, regardless of what actually needs to be done.  I have been in this perceived stuckness and comparing myself to others and seeing in my mind that they are so lucky, so much better off than me and the backchat, "Must be nice ..."  And oh man, in this, I have actually physically burned with anger, rage and hatred.