So, an interesting thing I noticed about myself a couple of weeks ago is how I have been going into an 'I Need You' Personality after I have participated in certain mind and behavior patterns that I don't particularly like about myself or when looking back on a decision or action that I have made that I have believed is wrong.
The things that I have seen about myself that I don't like and my behaviors that I see as wrong have triggered my fear of loss where in my mind I have imagined that if anyone finds out these things about me than I will lose the relationships and what I am getting out of the relationship like comfort, security, stability, commitment, affection, and care.
When faced with the fear of loss, it has been an 'oh shit ... how do I fix this or keep myself from losing these things?' moment and from there, I have automatically focused on how I can manipulate relationships in my favor. In this case, my solution was to cast myself into the Damsel In Distress Role as the insecure, unstable, emotionally delicate, small and vulnerable female that says, "I'm not okay, I'm so small, I'm weak, I NEED YOU - to protect me, to hold me, to make everything okay for me ..."
Once I saw what I was doing - how I was manipulating others so that I could be comforted physically, emotionally and mentally instead of standing, facing myself, and taking responsibility for myself and changing what I was seeing, I stopped myself. I realized that I had been abdicating myself, compromising others, and that this 'need' I had been demanding be satiated by an external source, distracted others from being able to focus on themselves and their own process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need others for comfort, security, stability, consistency, and strength.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that if others knew me for who I really am and have become, that I would be rejected and within that, lose my sources of comfort, security, stability, consistency, and strength.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to develop comfort, security, stability, consistency, and strength for/as myself. Instead, placing myself in need/want/desire to get these things from an external source.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself being rejected if anyone were to see my how my mind works and how I have been responding to/acting out my mind patterns.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to play out in my mind how others will cross their arms, turn their back on me, walk away, and never come back if they were to see what goes on in my mind and the decisions/mistakes I have made.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to show myself the result of others finding out about me: me, defeated, alone, sad, and broken - and being a physical expression of those emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have had a conversation with myself about what's going to happen if/when/as others see the mistakes I have made with my decisions. I say to myself, "They are going to leave me. They are never going to come back. They are going to hate me. I'm never going to get things from them anymore. I will be alone ... Oh shit. How do I fix this so they never know or question me? I have to distract them."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself, "They are not able to understand," and/or, "They will never be able to understand me and be okay with me."
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into Panic with/as I have internal conversations about myself about what's going to happen to me if/when/as others become aware of who/what I have become and the decisions that I have made while living out/acting on my mind-patterns.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing what I am getting from others for comfort, security, stability, strength, consistency, holding me, and pulling me back up on my feet when I have fallen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out the Damsel In Distress with the sound signature of "I Need You" and making myself appear to be distressed, vulnerable, and physically smaller by folding myself into on myself while communicating worry, fear, and anxiety with my eyes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as the Damsel In Distress that is in need, have manipulated myself and others, abdicated myself, held myself and others back from moving forward in our processes, and to have created this false-self/false-reality - all from my self-interest and benefit only.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for consequences that I have created for myself and others by hiding behind the Damsel In Distress That Needs You personality/character. And within this, not seeing, realizing, and understanding that it's simply something that I didn't allow myself to see in awareness until that moment and in that moment, how I had made the decision to change and not go into it.
To be continued...