Monday, April 7, 2014

Day 180: My Own Worst Enemy

In this blog I am concluding with self-correction and self-commitment statements from self-forgiveness on Day 177: Addicted To Stress? Whaaat?  Part 1 of this process is here and Part 2 is here.

When and as I see that I am going into speeding thoughts, reactions, excitement, and fear and within this not being present within stopping my pattern/habit of going into an energetic high and winding myself up, I stop and breath.  I see and realize that when I allow myself to go into this high energetic state that I start moving too fast to sort through and direct the thoughts, reactions, excitements, and fears that are coming up and when I do this that I am accepting and allowing waaaaaay too many points to continue to influence me and exist within and as me.  I have also come to see and realize that I like going into this energetic high - I like being 'up', being fast, being wound up, and being distracted by internal and external stimulus which is why I have not changed even though I have the awareness and the ability to change in-fact.

I commit myself to stop going into my energetic high pattern/habit by when and as I see my thoughts, reactions, excitements, and fears begin to build, accumulate and/or escalate - and within this, not actually looking at, directing, nor constructively bringing up my thoughts, reactions, excitements, and fears, I STOP, I breath, and I stabilize myself until I am here and clear.  And from here, I allow myself to be alone with myself and will myself to remain grounded as, contrary to my desire to be on an energetic high, the moments that I am here, clear, stable, and quiet within and as me are actually the most enjoyable for me.

When and as I see that I'm going into the belief that Depression as this big scary thing that 'just happens' and that one can lose oneself in, I stop and breath.  Here I realize that I am avoiding my beliefs about Depression and not taking responsibility for Depression with the excuse that Depression is greater than and has power/authority over me.  Further, not only is losing oneself in Depression (or anything else) complete abdication of oneself, it is also giving up on oneself and I do not and will not accept nor allow myself to do this.  So, obviously, my fear of Depression isn't real - it's just some idea of future outcome that is unlikely to happen.

I commit myself to trust myself - trust that I will take responsibility for myself and not allow myself to give up on myself.  Within this, I commit myself to stop threatening myself with my interpretation/definition/belief of Depression and I commit myself to stop imagining myself in it and I use breathing and physical movement to assist and support myself to not repeat and accumulate my patterns of thought that I use to create my own brand of Depression.

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