Day 160: Reality Check -> Invincibility

Self-correction and self-commitment for Day 156: Unwinding

When and as I see that ignoring my physical warnings that I need to slow down which can be clearly seen as I move fast from one task to another, do not pay attention to where my body is is physical space, and where I am energized because I am experiencing myself as effective based off of the amount of tasks I am completing and within this looking-for or getting a desired outcome of acceptance and/or respect from my external world, I stop.  I breath in and I breath out until I have slowed myself, until I am clear of immediate reactions, and present here in physical reality.  I see, realize, and understand that when I am in mind while at the same time zooming around in my physical body without awareness of my physical body, that I am creating the possibility for me to become injured - this is a pattern that I have been participating in for quite some time - so, instead of continuing doing the same thing over-and-over again, I now see that I have an opportunity to change and respect myself as flesh by practicing self-discipline and allowing myself to be aware of and direct how I move in physical reality.

I commit myself to practicing self-discipline with my physical movements where instead of going into my mind as I move my body, I allow myself to breeeeeeeeeath, be here, be aware of my physical movements, and direct myself as flesh.  I see, realize, and understand that I have been participating in this pattern of reacting, reacting, reacting for a LONG time, so within this, I commit myself to be patient with myself - here I state this is not an allowance for me to open up a backdoor out of my self-commitment to change - this is me practicing steady gentleness.

When and as I see/hear myself denying that I have physical limitations where I tell myself that I can 'do anything', that I do 'not age', or show myself in my imagination that I am invincible, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand the reality of my physicality: Because of my participation in/with/as my mind, the decisions that I have made in regards to my physical care, and years of working labor while in my mind and making decisions that are not best for my physical health, that I have compromised my physical body.  Here, again, I direct myself to my physical awareness, get to know myself, be honest with myself, and see what can actually realistically physically do without compromising myself.

When and as I see/hear myself showing/telling myself that I Am Special, different, and/or better than everyone else - specifically in relation to how I do not 'look my age' like others do, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that this is me going into the Superiority and/or Better-Than dimension of self-judgement where I compare myself to others as a way to feel better about myself as my Ego.  This is an image of myself that I have created in my mind as an escape from the negativity that I experience from other comparisons where I see myself as Inferior and/or Less-than.  Neither polarity assists me in improving myself, changing myself, or making decisions that are best for all in my physical reality.  So, within this realization, I see that it is best if I stop my participation in this belief as to actually assist and support myself to step-out-of-the-box of my mind and explore my actual genetic potential.

I commit myself to GIVING myself the opportunity to explore myself and my potential as a living, breathing, physical human being expressing here by letting go of and releasing myself from my beliefs of myself that I have held onto for a positive energetic charge - here, to live up to my self-commitment, I assist and support myself to write-out, self-forgive, self-correct, and clear myself of my individualized self-definitions that support myself as my mind being Special, Different, Better-Than.

When and as I see that I am about to tell myself or speak out-loud that 'I cannot slow down', I stop.  I breath.  I remind myself that this is a lie that I use as justification to not change and that I have in-fact proven that I CAN slow down and that I am actually required to so. 

So, within this, I commit myself to slowing down by breathing and allowing myself to be aware of my physical speed - I remind myself that it is best for me, my family, and that which I am committed to for me to not burn myself out.  When/as/if I see that my application of slowing down is not effective, I commit myself to ask for support and/or perspectives in regards to how I can become more effective.

Day 159: From Auto-Parent To Self-Parent

Self-correction and self-commitment for Day 155: Automated Parent


When and as I see that I am being unnecessarily hard on myself as a means to make a situation or event better or more acceptable, I stop, I breath, and I bring myself back here to my physical.  I see, realize, and understand that using words or thoughts to punish myself does not make my mistakes better, more acceptable, nor does it support me as a being - no, this supports me to go into my mind as I go into negatively charged emotions where I do not consider practical, livable solutions for the situation/event I've faced in which I made a mistake.

I commit myself to stopping myself from punishing myself with words and thoughts by reminding myself that punishing myself is not going to make my mistakes better and that going into my mind is not a solution.  I commit myself to, when I make mistakes, to instead breath and bring myself back to the physical where I can actually look at practical, livable solutions that will assist and support me to not repeat the mistakes.

When and as I see that I am angry or disappointed with myself because I have self-judged myself to be in the wrong and that being angry and/or disappointed is the appropriate response in such situations or events, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that being angry and/or disappointed with/at myself is not the responsible action that I believe it to be and that in reality, it's quite the opposite in that the actual responsible action is to direct myself to solutions and prevention.

I commit myself to stopping self-anger, self-disappointment, and self-judgment by allowing myself to see solutions rather than problems only when and as I am faced with an event or experience where a mistake has been made or could potentially be made.  I allow myself to slow down and to look at the situation or event practically and realistically so that I can determine the change for myself that is best for all.

When and as I see that I have gone into being an Automated Parent where I expect to see remorse or some other emotional reaction that demonstrates shame and/or regret, I stop and I breath myself back to my physical reality.  I see, realize, and understand that I have accepted, allowed, and been participating in this behavior/character for so long that I have integrated into and as myself to such an extent that I do not question it - it is automated.  So, here, my responsibility is to question myself as a parent:  Why do I continue to inflict emotional and mental harm when I have seen time-and-time again that this does not change nor improve anything?  Why do I believe that I must see shame, remorse, or regret when/as a mistake is made in order for me to see that the situation or event has a chance to get better?

I commit myself to stopping myself as an Automated Parent by no longer accepting and allowing myself to go right into expecting to see shame, regret, or remorse and instead breathing, slowing myself down, and allowing myself question myself and what changes I could make. Rather than go on Auto-Parent,  I practice self-parenting where I go over the mistake, consider other decisions/actions that I could have made where the outcome was best, work out a plan for how I will be in the same situation in the future, and commit myself to the change.

I commit myself to stopping myself from bullying, diminishing, and belittling myself by questioning my self-judgments.  And within this, I commit myself to not use self-judgment against myself and to instead work on self-acceptance, self-respect, and problem prevention.

Day 158: The Bully

"I worship, admire, look-up-to, follow the lead of, and place myself in loyal relationships with those that fit into my idea and/or imagination of Rock Stars, The Best, and/or Perfected because I tell myself that if I am associated to/with these individuals, that this sends a message to all that this is Who I Am as well which gives me instant access to the positive feeling charge of Acceptance." - Care's Journey To Life, Day 157: The Rock Star!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by The Bully in my mind where: I tell myself that if I am not accepted, that I am not popular or that if I cannot influence others that I am a failure - a failure to myself and others. I determine my value by the amount of relationships that I am able to accumulate, manage, and control. Instead of managing the direction of my own life to realize myself to my potential and within this acquiring self-acceptance and allowing myself to see my value as a life equal to all others, I beat myself up time-and-time again because I believed this is what I must do to survive in what I see as complete chaos and confusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bully others and be bullied by others. I have not investigated this point, why it exists, and why I allow it to exist even though I see clearly that the nature of bullying is to inflict harm. I have not questioned it but instead gone along with it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to observe my mind in action because it is here that the origin point of my acceptance and allowance of bullying is shown to me clearly. If I had questioned the thoughts and self-diminishing words that I belittle myself with instead of forcing myself to believe they are true, I would have stood up and seen that bullying exists in my external world because it exists in my internal world as I bully myself in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that as long as I allow myself to bully myself, I will allow others to be bullied by myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my fear of loss of acceptance from an external source. Because of my acceptance and allowance of this fear, I rarely took risks for others and I never took risks for myself to assist and support myself and others in seeing our potential as simply an expression of life and exploring what we can do here. No, I was fearful of what others would think of me or how they would react if I were 'different' - which is actually my own fear of what I will be and who I will become if I let go of what I know and go into the unknown/undefined.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to look at how Bulling benefits me. It is obvious that Bullying assist me in feeling better about myself when I place myself as superior over others - but what else? What about when I am Bullied? Or what do I have to gain by controlling others with the same abusive tactics that I practice on myself? Who do I think that I am? Why would I not want who I am and how I do things questioned?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to STOP BULLYING - just get rid of it completely - because it's something that I hold near and dear as to maintain my individuality regardless of whether I am the bully, I'm being bullied, or I'm bullying the bullies. Is my individuality worth it? Did I really work that hard to create myself into the person that I Am? And am I really that special and unique that I need to be preserved and to never ever change or make changes?

Day 157: The Rock Star!

 

"Here is where I began to see why I ignored my physical signs because I was caught up in this idea of myself as having to preserve my individuality as a Rock Star.  Where, in my professional world, this label was given to me, I liked it, and I desired to preserve this because of the doors it opened for me and within this the experience of accomplishment and confirmation of my ability." - Care's Journey To Life, Day 156: Unwinding


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to align myself with the Words Rock Star and the positive meaning that have attached to these words.  In my mind, a Rock Star pushes their physical limits effortlessly, is the best at what they do, stands as a shining beacon, and has a bunch of 'fans' that constantly and continuously give them positive feedback about their performance.  So seeing a Rock Star in a positive light and wanting to be associated to this image so that I could experience myself in this positive way with all the perks that come with it, I pushed myself and forced myself to always be better than the day before.  I see that it's cool to realize my potential for myself however, my starting point was my desire for acceptance, positive feedback from my external world, to make a name for myself, and to insure that I do not miss out any opportunity that would benefit me as an individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself from a point of fearing failure instead of from a point of self-curiosity and self-discovery where I test to see what I can do and how I can better improve myself - for my own self and not for any external reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself and/or place myself in a relationship with things and people that I see as Rock Stars, The Best, or Perfected as per my mind's idea or these archetypes.  I worship, admire, look-up-to, follow the lead of, and place myself in loyal relationships with those that fit into my idea and/or imagination of Rock Stars, The Best, and/or Perfected because I tell myself that if I am associated to/with these individuals, that this sends a message to all that this is Who I Am as well which gives me instant access to the positive feeling charge of Acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate this attraction to others whom I Want To Be into and as me to such an extent that it is now an automated behavior.  I have been on autopilot and have not questioned it.  Why would I?  This automation has benefited me time-and-time again - with as little as effort as possible and minimal risk.  So, while I am busy squeezing myself into anothers image and likeness so that I can hide from putting in the effort required to establish self-acceptance, nothing changes.  I ignore anything and anyone outside of my immediate self-interested drive - including my self-communication, others that I do not want to be identified with because they are a mirror of my self-judgment, and the world that I am trying to control by refusing to face it.

From a parental perspective, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to show children to do the same as myself.  I encourage children to attach themselves to Super Heroes, Rock Stars and those that look Perfected and like they are The Best in hopes that they will become or be like that imaginary person so that I can say, "I created this person and this person is me." So, as an additional insurance of my acceptance from my external world, I encourage the child to be what I want to be so that I can continue living in the image and likeness of others because it's easy, there is little-to-no risk, and requires much less effort than actually developing myself or showing a child how to develop themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this Hero Worship that we accept and allow ourselves to imprint upon ourselves is the reason why our world is structured the way it is with many on the bottom and one at the top. Where: the one at the top - The Hero, The Rock Star, The Best of the Best, The Perfected Human Being has the money,the resources, the education, and the career. And instead of doing what is required to make sure that all realize their potential, including ourselves, we worship them, we work for them, we accept ourselves as less-than them, we drive ourselves to be like them/be associated with them, allow ourselves to be influenced by them, and enter into a Master-Slave agreement to survive. All because we never once questioned why the world is structured like a pyramid and have not looked at the consequences of our fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of not being accepted, fear of change, and fear of risking anything.

Day 156: Unwinding

"I fractured my left ankle.  Up until the moment that I broke the bone, there as a timeline of physical warnings that I ignored.  For about 6 weeks prior to my injury, I consistently would twist my ankles as I rushed around from one task to another.  I was aware that I needed to slow down but I reasoned this was impossible for me to do and instead of practicing slowing myself and practicing moving/walking in breath, I changed my shoes.  I continued to twist my ankles and continued to ignore it until I finally took a short step that needed to be a long step and my bone gave out."- Care's Journey To Life, Day 154: I'm Broken

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my physical warnings that showed clearly that I was required to slow down.  I did not want to slow down because I get a positive energetic charge out of moving fast and showing others how effective I am.  Instead of taking the opportunity to practice self-discipline and respect for my self as flesh, I gave into my desire to experience respect from my external world as it assist me as my Ego to feel good.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deny that I may have a physical limitation when and as I continually twisted and turned my ankles.  I have not wanted to see and be honest with myself that: because of my years of participating with and as my mind, I have in-fact aged.  This, combined with the years of hard physical labor have compromised the structure of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand, realize, and see that I am NOT invincible and that I am aging - just like everyone else.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to beLIEve that it was impossible for me to slow down.  This was a lie that I told mysef to justify my desire to hold on to my individuality.  It has become quite clear that it is possible for me to slow down because since my injury, I have been required to move extremely slow - where, if I do not move slow there is a consequence of pain and/or permanent damage to the structure of my leg.

Here is where I began to see why I ignored my physical signs because I was caught up in this idea of myself as having to preserve my individuality as a Rock Star.  Where, in my professional world, this label was given to me, I liked it, and I desired to preserve this because of the doors it opened for me and within this the experience of accomplishment and confirmation of my ability.

Day 155: Automated Parent

"When I heard my bone POP, I told myself that I 'really effed myself up this time' and I was aware of why: In spite of the fact that my body had given me plenty of warning and in spite of the consequences I have walked in the recent past for being too hard on my body, I made a decision to repeat a pattern."

When I heard my bone POP, I told myself that I 'really effed myself up this time' and I was aware of why: In spite of the fact that my body had given me plenty of warning and in spite of the consequences I have walked in the recent past for being too hard on my body, I made a decision to repeat a pattern. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2013/09/day-154-im-broken.html#sthash.6aiiYA7c.dpuf

Care's Journey To Life, Day 154: I'm Broken.




I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fracture and break my ankle bone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'really effing up this time'.  I see that I am often unnecessarily hard on myself because I believe that punishing myself with Words or thoughts makes a mistake better or more acceptable somehow - which, it never does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself as an emotional reaction to my judgment of myself.  I tell myself that I am taking responsibility for myself by being angry and disappointed at myself, my thoughts, my words, and my actions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I am repeating and recreating myself as the judgmental and controlling Parent where I judge myself as 'in the wrong', I react in disappointment and anger,  and then expect some sort of show of remorse.  I have accepted and allowed this parenting tactic to such an extent that it has become automated.  I do not question it - even though in the end, when it is all said and done and I have inflicted mental and emotional harm on myself, nothing changes and nothing improves.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate the nature of self-judgment and to ask WHY I have accepted and allowed self-judgment to exist within and as me so that I can assist and support myself to stop bullying, diminishing, and belittling myself and actually get into the process of developing self-acceptance, self-respect and preventing mistakes from repeating. 

Day 154: I'm Broken

Two weeks ago I fractured my ankle and have been told that it will take a total 6-weeks to heal.  For the most of the these past two weeks I've been on the couch with my leg elevated and I am just now getting to the point in my recovery process of where I can start working at my desk again.  I have been writing daily in a notebook and am sharing this writing starting here:

Monday, August 26, 2013

I fractured my left ankle.  Up until the moment that I broke the bone, there as a timeline of physical warnings that I ignored.  For about 6 weeks prior to my injury, I consistently would twist my ankles as I rushed around from one task to another.  I was aware that I needed to slow down but I reasoned this was impossible for me to do and instead of practicing slowing myself and practicing moving/walking in breath, I changed my shoes.  I continued to twist my ankles and continued to ignore it until I finally took a short step that needed to be a long step and my bone gave out.

In the moment before I took that wrong step, I was reacting.  I was angry, I was disappointed, and I was backchatting.

When I heard my bone POP, I told myself that I 'really effed myself up this time' and I was aware of why: In spite of the fact that my body had given me plenty of warning and in spite of the consequences I have walked in the recent past for being too hard on my body, I made a decision to repeat a pattern.

Now I am looking at a 6-week recovery time.  And thus far, I have been able to do very little.  All that I can do is decide how to move or IF I actually can which has assisted in putting my process of slowing myself down into perspective as I now see, realize, and understand what and how it is to have a relationship in every moment of every breath with my physical body and what's in my immediate external environment where I have to be present and consider everything when and as I move.