Day 16: Disarming Myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become obsessed with my partner because I was attracted to them, I went weak when they were around, my heart fluttered thinking about them, and there was something about them, both definable and undefinable, that I wanted for myself and myself to become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and/or see that it was required for myself to change myself if I were to ever find and keep love.  I did not and have not seen that within my desire to change to please someone else, that I did not/do not see myself as 'good enough' for love and to be loved nor did I not see that by my seeing myself as required to change that I have not, do not, and never have accepted myself as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself as my personality for others - over and over and time and time again.  I have not seen nor realized the extent of which I have adopted and become personalities to suit each relationship that I have been afraid to lose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell others that they must change for me to be happy.  I have not been aware that my expecting others to change for me and my happiness was indicating to me that I was changing for that which I perceived would make others happy, like me, and want to be around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look outside of myself, within and toward others to make me 'happy'.  I have been aware for some time now that happiness is not real as I have defined it to be as myself smiling, laughing, and enjoying the companionship of others - it is not real because it does not last.  When the moment is gone, life returns and within me is sorrow, distress, and worry.  And from this sorrow, distress, and worry,  I look to others to assist me in feeling better and getting me out of my 'slump'.  By allowing for a happiness high to exist within me as I participate with others, I am also allowing sadness to exist by my non-participation and/or negative experiences with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate the feeling of 'happiness' with the feeling of 'love' where I 'love' those that make me 'happy' by saving me from myself within sorrow and sadness.  Within this kind of love as it exists within me, I have become a leach off of others and dependent on the energy high that I get from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to war with those that I say and express love for/to where when I am happy, smiling, content, and joyful to be with them because I feel 'good' from their attention, all is well - they are behaving in the precise way that I have defined they should be behaving within myself as my mind as imaginations and fantasies. The war begins when the one that I 'love' is no longer giving me what I want and is not behaving in a way that I see serves me and so I fight them, threaten them, and put fear into them to change and be the person that I need them to be.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ANY and ALL weapons that I have as memories, experiences, blames, lies, manipulation, and the threat of loss to win the war.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to battle with others who I perceive are not giving me the attention, appreciation, and admiration that I see myself as deserving.  Within this battle, one person must admit to the other that one is better, doing more, and more deserving of their self-interests than the other.  As a combatant, I do not back down and I do not give up until I have either won and received my admiration and recognition as I see it as my right or until it has been demonstrated that the other is stronger, better, and more deserving than myself and thus I become a loser.  I have not allowed myself to see the pain and damage as a result of these battles until it is too late as one of us is always feeling awful while the other revels in a brief moment of righteousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to war with others while my children are watching, listening, observing then seeing the result of pain, suffering, words not spoken, and distrust.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell my children: Do not worry.  It's going to all work out.  We are just fighting ... it's normal, it's okay, and someday you will understand when you are in a relationship.  -- Within this, I have not seen how I have been programming and teaching my children to go to war and that it's normal, perfectly okay, and can be expected when things aren't going how we would like them to.

When and as I see myself within my mind as wanting and/or being required to change to get and/or maintain an energy high as happiness from another, I stop.  I breath.  I re-direct myself back to myself and I stabilize myself.  I realize that for myself to accept myself that I must be comfortable with myself.  I see that changing myself is not going to assist me in finding a comfortableness with myself and so I remain as I am.  I commit myself to self-forgiving myself for that which I see requires to be changed to appease another by bringing that which I perceive as anothers desires back to myself.  

When and as I see myself desiring, wanting, wishing, and/or requiring for another change to make me more comfortable, at ease, and/or happy, I stop.  I breath.  I bring the point that I am desiring, wanting, and wishing for myself back to myself and I self-forgive.  I realize that I am using others to assist me in feeling better about myself, my behaviors, and my self-created personalities so that I can continue to feed off of an energy high.  I see that existing within this energy high is always followed by an energy low and thus will never be satisfied.  Within this seeing and realizing, I have become aware that I am best when I am stable and so I commit myself to remaining stable within re-direction, writing, self-forgiveness and BREATHING.

I commit myself to stopping The War by not participating in The War.  I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in battle with others.

I commit myself to never allow myself again to show and tell my children that it is 'okay' and 'normal' to fight and/or cause pain for/in another or ourselves because it helps us feel better.

Day 15: My Strategy and Game Piece

I am seeing that I am in a repeating pattern within my relationships where I must win.  This pattern begins with a point of rejection where I see myself as being rejected, overlooked, and/or ignored.  From here, I do the necessary work within and outside of myself to change myself and my personality to acquire attention, affection, be noticed, be heard, etc.  This process of change can take many years because I do not give up and with each new resistance that I see in others, I will adapt and mold myself to become a person that can maneuver or walk past/through others resistances. I have found that resistance and rejection is determined by pictures where we resist, ignore, and/or reject anything outside of ourselves that is not an appealing picture and story 'package'.  I have proven this by changing my appearance and adding an interesting personality which has given me the opportunity to see day-by-day that I am met with little to no resistance from others.  So, I am at an 'I win' point at this moment within my pattern as my desire to get attention, affection, adoration, and validation is successful 9 out of 10 times.

What about the 1/10th time that I am not successful?

I create a new relationship with a picture representation of the person with whom I perceived as being resistant to me because they did not demonstrate an affection nor adoration with me that I witnessed or made up that they demonstrated with another.  My starting point of rejection begins my pattern of changing and becoming whatever it is that I saw in another person that gets them affection, attention, adoration, validation, and/or recognition.  And  because this change can take years to adapt myself, the chances are likely that I will meet up with the person whom I stored as a picture representation of rejection within myself as my mind and this likelihood drives me to acquire what is required for myself to win at that moment.

When I win, I am empowered and I am stabilized.  One HELL of a reward after years of being unstable within my balancing and testing-out personalities.

I'm 40 years old so I'm looking at over 30 years of myself recreating and fine-tuning myself over and over again.

WHY?

Because we resist each other? Because we reject that which we perceive as less than a beautiful, interesting, and compelling picture?

It's ridiculous and we know it.  I observe and listen to others in my life who see this clearly within themselves - specifically the beautiful, talented, and successful people in this world - they admit their appearance comparisons/judgements, they admit their guilt, and they admit their shame.



We are all equally trapped.

So the solution here would be to stop.  Stop ourselves from judging and comparing and remove ourselves from the game of competition that we play against each other.  Simple, right? Then why don't we stop? Because we are addicted to the thrill of the goal, the excitement, and the stabilization and clarity that becomes us when we win.  If we did not have this game, what else would we have?  If we didn't have our games, we would become bored and simply exist here, waiting our time out.  This is what we tell ourselves.

It's time to consider what life would be like for all if we were all winners.   It is time to consider the possibilities of ourselves within our discovery of our potential that we never allowed ourselves to tell ourselves we could be, do, and enjoy.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that in order for myself to have fun, make the best of my time, and enjoy my time that I must play games of competition where there is a winner and a loser.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I am bored and thus become bored with myself during moments of nothingness in my life.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that 'being nothing', doing nothing, and participating in a simple existence of quietness is boring.  I have not allowed myself to be aware that I have required distraction from/for myself because I am bored with myself and the eternity of possible boredom that I see ahead of myself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by the fear of boredom to such an extent that I will manipulate my world so that I can set up situations and/or events of competition against others as a way of distracting myself and providing myself both thrill and drama created from feelings and emotions.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see and realize that because I have feared being bored, I have created many losers in this world.  Because of my pre-programming, it is unlikely that that I will lose every time and I have and continue to use this pre-programming to my advantage.  
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a loser where I see myself as losing when I see, perceive, and tell myself that I am being rejected, ignored, over-looked, or seen as 'not good enough', by others outside of myself.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that within my seeing myself as a loser, that I will train myself to become a winner by changing my physical body like I would a Game Piece  and changing my personality as I would change, upgrade, and fine-tune my Game Strategy so that I can win.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as, be, and become rejected, over-looked, and ignored.  By my acceptance and allowance of myself of being rejected, over-looked, and ignored, I am accepting and allowing for others outside of myself to be rejected, over-looked, and ignored.  Further, by my acceptance and allowance of rejection, over-looked-ness, and ignorance, I am accepting and allowing for the polarity opposites of those emotions to exist within and as myself and others as having the ability to acquire affection, adoration, and attention from others and thus the ability to achieve a state of empowerment, equalization, and clarity.  I have not allowed myself to see that this state of empowerment, equalization, and clarity does not last and because it does not last, it is not real.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and imprint within myself as my mind a picture representation of others that I perceive and see as a point of rejection so that I can establish a goal within myself for what I must become in order to get my empowerment fix.  I have not seen how through the years I have manifested others to appear later in my life so that I can demonstrate to them how I have changed, what I have become, and thus be a winner.  I have brushed this off as 'coincidence' or some strange supernatural power at work outside of myself when it is in fact me designing my Game of Life and setting up future play-dates with others.

When and as I see myself desiring and/or being invited into a competition game with another outside of myself, I stop.  I breath. I do not participate. I see that the only way for me to stop this game where there is a winner and a loser, that I must stop myself from participating and/or agreeing to the terms that there will be a winner and a loser within the relationship.

When and as I see and/or hear myself creating and/or participating within a competition game within myself as my secret mind, I stop.  I breath.  I realize that by allowing myself as a winner and a loser to exist within myself as my mind, that I am allowing myself and others to exist as winners and losers in my outer world.  I commit myself to considering the possibilities and potentials of myself and others as ALL WINNERS.

When and as I see myself aligning rejection with a picture presentation of another in myself as my mind, I STOP.  I breath.  I remain silent and steady.  I see that my allowing of myself to create a picture and charge it with an emotion is like throwing down a competitive and strategic board game - I am NOT going there and I am NOT setting a future play-date.

When and as I see myself within a play-date that I have set within my past, I BREATH.  I see that I have many of these consequential outflows created from/by my interactions with my thoughts that I have charged with emotion and fueled with energy from the fantasy scenarios in my mind.  I commit myself to walk these consequences, one-by-one, and within my commitment to walk these consequences by not walking away or handing them off to someone else, I investigate myself within my creations with self-forgiveness and if possible, study/utilize the tools of self-perfection in times when I am not able to write.

Day 14: Fearing a Self-Created Storm

 Continued from Day 13: Forecast: Shit-Storm Ahead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a state of fear with others outside of myself where when I am around certain individuals my physical body shakes.  I see others as uncontrollable, unpredictable variables that have the potential of threatening my safety and comfort of myself within what I have told myself that I 'know' about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the actions of what others outside of myself do, could do TO ME or MAKE me do. I have not seen that I am continuing to blame others outside of myself for my actions, reactions, behaviors, and how I express myself.  I have not seen the abdication within myself as I live out the statement: The devil made me do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that I am blaming others outside of myself for making, directing, moving, influencing, and/or convincing me to behave/act/react in a specific way and that I am using others as a point of blame from which I can escape the consequences of my choices, directions, movement, actions, and/or reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that I have feared consequence for a very long time within my life and because of that fear within the possible consequence play-outs that I run through and as myself within the scenarios within and as my mind, that I direct myself to be either restrained or free depending on whether I see myself as my mind, my security, my comfort-ability, my personalities, and/or my physical body as being harmed/challenged or safe.  I have not seen that I consider myself and my own self survival above all else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make self-commitments based on what others outside of myself are self-committing their selves to as life.  As my mind and myself as my mind's ability to survive by acting and/or reacting from a personality that I have created from which to manipulate others and thus myself into/as 'fitting in'.

When and as I see myself making self-commitments and self-correction for myself based on what others outside of myself 'would do' or have done, I stop.  I breath.  I direct myself to not accept nor allow myself to manipulate and/or influence myself with my People Pleaser personality creation within my investigations of myself with self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitments.  When and as I re-direct myself with/as/in self-correction and self-commitments, I consider whether the self-correction and self-commitments are able to be practically lived and walked by my self alone as a being that walks along side of a group of others all walking their selves alone.

When and as I see myself as allowing myself to have a physical fear experience and/or reaction to another outside of myself, I stop.  I breath.  I bring my fear back to myself.  I investigate myself with self-forgiveness as to why, how, and what I am fearing about myself that is being mirrored back to me from another outside of myself. I see, realize, and understand that these fears are gifts to myself for myself to for-give myself and that if I run away, blame, brush off, and/or ignore these fears that I am wasting time within an opportunity to understand myself.


When and as I see myself as my mind going through possible consequential outflows of my potential actions/reactions, I stop.  I breath.  I realize that myself as my mind has not and is not yet practically aligned with actual life and thus within and as my mind, there is and has been no real understanding of consequence as I have never allowed myself to see myself as responsible within consequence.

I commit myself to stand as a responsible being within my self-created consequence so that I can in-fact, see and take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed.

I commit myself to understand myself as a People Pleaser Personality.  I am seeing that this People Pleaser Personality that I have created has allowed for myself to tell/manipulate myself into believing that I can escape from/run away from and or ignore the consequences of myself directing myself within 'choice'.

It's interesting - and I'm smiling-softly laughing at myself for thinking for one moment that I could ignore and/or escape from anything and everything that I have ever done in my life that leads to myself experiencing a guilty sickness in my stomach. It is STILL in/as/of me.  Every bit of it and more including whatever memories that I made up to make the story more intense.

I commit myself to self-forgiving the stored guilt as responses to memories of the things I have or told myself that I have 'done' wrong or should have done differently or better.

Day 13: Forecast: Shit-Storm Ahead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine and see myself within my mind physically acting-out and demonstrating behavior that would compromise myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that such imaginings where I am compromising myself by not walking the commitments that I have made to myself, are 'okay' - I tell myself within myself as my secret mind that it is okay to compromise myself by acting out behaviors because this is what another outside of myself 'would do'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself permission and choice within myself as my mind to behave in a way that would compromise and thus potentially slow down my 7-14 year journey to life by myself creating a shit-storm of consequence that I would have to dig myself out of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create obstacles for myself because I have allowed myself to give in to the resistance within myself as my mind to not change.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be present within my imaginings of myself within my physical world. When I am not present within my imaginings of myself within my physical world, I am not watching myself, I am not investigating myself, and I am not considering the consequences of the scenarios that I am giving myself permission to participate in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not admit and be honest with myself that myself as being aware is not equal to myself as present. I am aware of what I do within my mind and I do not stop it because I enjoy the physical rush, excitement, and adventure as a result of myself giving myself permission to physically participate in my energy mining mind-fucks. If I had not given myself the choice to not be present in breath and investigating myself, I may have had an opportunity to change and not be required to walk through the consequences of myself where I am/have NOT considering/considered myself and all others outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that the end result of myself extracting 'exciting feelings' from myself to 'feel good, better, and positive' is myself becoming guilty. I did not want to direct myself through potential consequences because I desired to be distracted so that I could make things 'easier' on myself for a moment. Again, I have allowed myself to have a choice to create a thought from which I feel and emote through and as many layers of additional thoughts, memories, and pictures that I have stored within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT take the opportunity to release myself from the infinite pattern that I have bound myself with and to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react as my Ego as I consider how to fix the situation that I have created because I want the quickest way out of the possible shit-storm ahead. My reaction to save myself from having to face myself as I walk through the potential consequences is to remove, discard, and give away to another what I have created so that I do not have to look, see, and live out what I have created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize is that by looking at, seeing, and living out the consequences of what I have created, that I am giving myself an opportunity to learn and change. Myself as my Ego does not like the hard road as myself as my Ego live in fear and thus blame of others as unknown, unpredictable, and uncontrollable variables.

Continuing in the next blog.

Day 12: Burning Bridges

 

Walked in private.

Day 11: Walking An Energy Addiction

Walked in private.

Day 10: Myself As An Illegitimate Child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an 'illegitimate child' where I have allowed myself to see my self within and as my mind as a child with no father, no reason to be here, not deserving to be here, a mistake, and a burden and shame to the family that has been here throughout my existence in this life, others outside of myself, society, the Catholic church, the religious system, the economic system, the welfare system, and my biological father with his wife and my biological half-siblings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as myself and as myself as my mind, as less than/not as important as my biological father's wife and his children that he had with his wife, my half sister and brother. Throughout my life from the time that I began to consider why I did not have a father and paired it with the answer that 'he didn't want me' and that he had a wife and other children that he wanted more/instead, I created an assumption within and as myself as my mind, that I was not 'good enough' and that there was something 'wrong with me'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look within myself as my child self and at my child physical body in the mirror and pick out the parts of myself that I did not see as 'good enough' or as being 'wrong' about me to explain, justify, and confirm within myself as my mind that I did not deserve to have my biological father in my life because I possess noticeable and obvious flaws that 'no one' would like and/or relate to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeful as a child, teenager, and an adult within my relationship that I created with my father as imaginations within and as myself as my mind that someday my father and I would be together, we would 'work things out' between us, and that we shared a connection/specialness/uniqueness that could only be understood by the both of us. As a child I was hopeful, excited, anticipative, and optimistic about meeting my father because even though I was told by myself and by others that he didn't want me, I felt hopeful that maybe there was a chance that myself and others were 'wrong about him/us'. When I met him when I was a teenager, I was excited and hopeful that my biological father and I would have a life together as understanding each other and having each other as allies in a world that 'did not get us'. Through my adult years, after the relationship with my father had it's 'ups and downs', I still remained/remain hopeful, positive, optimistic and confident that he and I were each others 'missing piece', that we need each other, that we would/will become a part of each others life, that he would be a grandfather for my children, and that we would work it out and/or our relationship would work itself out because we are -that- much alike and -that- much connected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that my father 'really does love me' because when he is here physically, I have his full attention and affection - I see admiration, pride, and adoration in his facial expressions and he hugs me tight like I hug others, with all of myself. When I am within this loving feeling, I justify that his non-presence in my life is because he is busy, like me - I am busy with work/home/family/friends and he is busy with work/hobbies/family/friends/church. Within this relationship, I can see other relationships that I have created within my mind where I use love and the physical expressions of love, to justify NOT being present, responsible, and accountable for myself and others outside of myself. “I'm busy but know that I love you and I'm thinking of you always when we are apart. I promise we will get together soon.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover up my negative emotions with love and then use justifications as a back-door out of myself being present within the relationship - I have created this back-door within myself as my mind because I fear getting hurt and I fear losing the relationship.

Presence/Being = negative emotion = quickly cover up the negative emotion with positive feelings of hope, love, and optimism = negative emotion continues to linger in the background of myself as backchat = continue to smooth over the negativity within in my mind with positivity = cycle over and over again as I generate energy within the positive and negative from which to make myself as my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and pictures/memories real and thus, stored in the database of my mind = trauma from the abuse that I have allowed of myself that leads to a back-door out of future self-trauma/abuse within the words, “We'll see each other soon. I promise.”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and be honest with myself that I have been aware of myself as abusing myself all along. My awareness of myself as abusing myself has been/is indicated by myself as I take the escape route of empty promises to get myself as my physical body out of a self-abusive situation/event and to prevent future situations/events from within which I can place myself within a cycle of self-abuse again. I have not seen that I have been/am able to stand up and be present as self-directed will within the living words of 'from here no further' and within living the words of 'from here no further', stopping my participation within the abuse of myself with/as my reactions to thoughts, pictures, memories, and future projections that I create as/with/within relationships within/as myself as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am not my definition of an illegitimate child. I have reason to be here. I am deserving to be here. I am not a mistake, a burden, or a shame to existence. These are lies I have been telling myself so that I may abuse myself and thus separate myself from myself and all that is here. I see that I have created/lied/manipulated myself into being an outcast of the systems to further separate myself from myself, others, and my world so that I can be alone with myself within the isolation of myself as my mind where I can trap and abuse myself without anyone outside of myself seeing or hearing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my acceptance and allowance of myself as being a child/person/being that accepts and allows the separation and abuse of myself, that I in-turn, both project myself as separator and abuser and accept and allow separation and abuse on/into my world and my reality. As above, so below. As within, so without. Cause and effect.

When and as I see myself as defining myself within my self-definition of an illegitimate child as indicated by myself telling myself as my mind that I am a mistake, a burden, a shame, not deserving because I was birthed into this world without a presence of a father, I STOP. I breath. I realize that I am here as I am equal and one with myself as myself as a being that was born - no more, no neutral, no less. I direct myself to remove any definitions that I see that I have created for myself that are within my self-interest to separate and abuse myself. I direct myself to remove any definitions that I see that I have created within myself to divert myself from being/becoming a being a purpose within my self-commitment to being/becoming/standing for Life.