Sunday, May 27, 2012

Day 15: My Strategy and Game Piece

I am seeing that I am in a repeating pattern within my relationships where I must win.  This pattern begins with a point of rejection where I see myself as being rejected, overlooked, and/or ignored.  From here, I do the necessary work within and outside of myself to change myself and my personality to acquire attention, affection, be noticed, be heard, etc.  This process of change can take many years because I do not give up and with each new resistance that I see in others, I will adapt and mold myself to become a person that can maneuver or walk past/through others resistances. I have found that resistance and rejection is determined by pictures where we resist, ignore, and/or reject anything outside of ourselves that is not an appealing picture and story 'package'.  I have proven this by changing my appearance and adding an interesting personality which has given me the opportunity to see day-by-day that I am met with little to no resistance from others.  So, I am at an 'I win' point at this moment within my pattern as my desire to get attention, affection, adoration, and validation is successful 9 out of 10 times.

What about the 1/10th time that I am not successful?

I create a new relationship with a picture representation of the person with whom I perceived as being resistant to me because they did not demonstrate an affection nor adoration with me that I witnessed or made up that they demonstrated with another.  My starting point of rejection begins my pattern of changing and becoming whatever it is that I saw in another person that gets them affection, attention, adoration, validation, and/or recognition.  And  because this change can take years to adapt myself, the chances are likely that I will meet up with the person whom I stored as a picture representation of rejection within myself as my mind and this likelihood drives me to acquire what is required for myself to win at that moment.

When I win, I am empowered and I am stabilized.  One HELL of a reward after years of being unstable within my balancing and testing-out personalities.

I'm 40 years old so I'm looking at over 30 years of myself recreating and fine-tuning myself over and over again.


Because we resist each other? Because we reject that which we perceive as less than a beautiful, interesting, and compelling picture?

It's ridiculous and we know it.  I observe and listen to others in my life who see this clearly within themselves - specifically the beautiful, talented, and successful people in this world - they admit their appearance comparisons/judgements, they admit their guilt, and they admit their shame.

We are all equally trapped.

So the solution here would be to stop.  Stop ourselves from judging and comparing and remove ourselves from the game of competition that we play against each other.  Simple, right? Then why don't we stop? Because we are addicted to the thrill of the goal, the excitement, and the stabilization and clarity that becomes us when we win.  If we did not have this game, what else would we have?  If we didn't have our games, we would become bored and simply exist here, waiting our time out.  This is what we tell ourselves.

It's time to consider what life would be like for all if we were all winners.   It is time to consider the possibilities of ourselves within our discovery of our potential that we never allowed ourselves to tell ourselves we could be, do, and enjoy.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that in order for myself to have fun, make the best of my time, and enjoy my time that I must play games of competition where there is a winner and a loser.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I am bored and thus become bored with myself during moments of nothingness in my life.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that 'being nothing', doing nothing, and participating in a simple existence of quietness is boring.  I have not allowed myself to be aware that I have required distraction from/for myself because I am bored with myself and the eternity of possible boredom that I see ahead of myself.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed by the fear of boredom to such an extent that I will manipulate my world so that I can set up situations and/or events of competition against others as a way of distracting myself and providing myself both thrill and drama created from feelings and emotions.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see and realize that because I have feared being bored, I have created many losers in this world.  Because of my pre-programming, it is unlikely that that I will lose every time and I have and continue to use this pre-programming to my advantage.  
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be a loser where I see myself as losing when I see, perceive, and tell myself that I am being rejected, ignored, over-looked, or seen as 'not good enough', by others outside of myself.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that within my seeing myself as a loser, that I will train myself to become a winner by changing my physical body like I would a Game Piece  and changing my personality as I would change, upgrade, and fine-tune my Game Strategy so that I can win.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as, be, and become rejected, over-looked, and ignored.  By my acceptance and allowance of myself of being rejected, over-looked, and ignored, I am accepting and allowing for others outside of myself to be rejected, over-looked, and ignored.  Further, by my acceptance and allowance of rejection, over-looked-ness, and ignorance, I am accepting and allowing for the polarity opposites of those emotions to exist within and as myself and others as having the ability to acquire affection, adoration, and attention from others and thus the ability to achieve a state of empowerment, equalization, and clarity.  I have not allowed myself to see that this state of empowerment, equalization, and clarity does not last and because it does not last, it is not real.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and imprint within myself as my mind a picture representation of others that I perceive and see as a point of rejection so that I can establish a goal within myself for what I must become in order to get my empowerment fix.  I have not seen how through the years I have manifested others to appear later in my life so that I can demonstrate to them how I have changed, what I have become, and thus be a winner.  I have brushed this off as 'coincidence' or some strange supernatural power at work outside of myself when it is in fact me designing my Game of Life and setting up future play-dates with others.
When and as I see myself desiring and/or being invited into a competition game with another outside of myself, I stop.  I breath. I do not participate. I see that the only way for me to stop this game where there is a winner and a loser, that I must stop myself from participating and/or agreeing to the terms that there will be a winner and a loser within the relationship.

When and as I see and/or hear myself creating and/or participating within a competition game within myself as my secret mind, I stop.  I breath.  I realize that by allowing myself as a winner and a loser to exist within myself as my mind, that I am allowing myself and others to exist as winners and losers in my outer world.  I commit myself to considering the possibilities and potentials of myself and others as ALL WINNERS.

When and as I see myself aligning rejection with a picture presentation of another in myself as my mind, I STOP.  I breath.  I remain silent and steady.  I see that my allowing of myself to create a picture and charge it with an emotion is like throwing down a competitive and strategic board game - I am NOT going there and I am NOT setting a future play-date.

When and as I see myself within a play-date that I have set within my past, I BREATH.  I see that I have many of these consequential outflows created from/by my interactions with my thoughts that I have charged with emotion and fueled with energy from the fantasy scenarios in my mind.  I commit myself to walk these consequences, one-by-one, and within my commitment to walk these consequences by not walking away or handing them off to someone else, I investigate myself within my creations with self-forgiveness and if possible, study/utilize the tools of self-perfection in times when I am not able to write.

No comments:

Post a Comment