Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Day 10: Myself As An Illegitimate Child

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as an 'illegitimate child' where I have allowed myself to see my self within and as my mind as a child with no father, no reason to be here, not deserving to be here, a mistake, and a burden and shame to the family that has been here throughout my existence in this life, others outside of myself, society, the Catholic church, the religious system, the economic system, the welfare system, and my biological father with his wife and my biological half-siblings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as myself and as myself as my mind, as less than/not as important as my biological father's wife and his children that he had with his wife, my half sister and brother. Throughout my life from the time that I began to consider why I did not have a father and paired it with the answer that 'he didn't want me' and that he had a wife and other children that he wanted more/instead, I created an assumption within and as myself as my mind, that I was not 'good enough' and that there was something 'wrong with me'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look within myself as my child self and at my child physical body in the mirror and pick out the parts of myself that I did not see as 'good enough' or as being 'wrong' about me to explain, justify, and confirm within myself as my mind that I did not deserve to have my biological father in my life because I possess noticeable and obvious flaws that 'no one' would like and/or relate to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel hopeful as a child, teenager, and an adult within my relationship that I created with my father as imaginations within and as myself as my mind that someday my father and I would be together, we would 'work things out' between us, and that we shared a connection/specialness/uniqueness that could only be understood by the both of us. As a child I was hopeful, excited, anticipative, and optimistic about meeting my father because even though I was told by myself and by others that he didn't want me, I felt hopeful that maybe there was a chance that myself and others were 'wrong about him/us'. When I met him when I was a teenager, I was excited and hopeful that my biological father and I would have a life together as understanding each other and having each other as allies in a world that 'did not get us'. Through my adult years, after the relationship with my father had it's 'ups and downs', I still remained/remain hopeful, positive, optimistic and confident that he and I were each others 'missing piece', that we need each other, that we would/will become a part of each others life, that he would be a grandfather for my children, and that we would work it out and/or our relationship would work itself out because we are -that- much alike and -that- much connected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that my father 'really does love me' because when he is here physically, I have his full attention and affection - I see admiration, pride, and adoration in his facial expressions and he hugs me tight like I hug others, with all of myself. When I am within this loving feeling, I justify that his non-presence in my life is because he is busy, like me - I am busy with work/home/family/friends and he is busy with work/hobbies/family/friends/church. Within this relationship, I can see other relationships that I have created within my mind where I use love and the physical expressions of love, to justify NOT being present, responsible, and accountable for myself and others outside of myself. “I'm busy but know that I love you and I'm thinking of you always when we are apart. I promise we will get together soon.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cover up my negative emotions with love and then use justifications as a back-door out of myself being present within the relationship - I have created this back-door within myself as my mind because I fear getting hurt and I fear losing the relationship.

Presence/Being = negative emotion = quickly cover up the negative emotion with positive feelings of hope, love, and optimism = negative emotion continues to linger in the background of myself as backchat = continue to smooth over the negativity within in my mind with positivity = cycle over and over again as I generate energy within the positive and negative from which to make myself as my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and pictures/memories real and thus, stored in the database of my mind = trauma from the abuse that I have allowed of myself that leads to a back-door out of future self-trauma/abuse within the words, “We'll see each other soon. I promise.”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and be honest with myself that I have been aware of myself as abusing myself all along. My awareness of myself as abusing myself has been/is indicated by myself as I take the escape route of empty promises to get myself as my physical body out of a self-abusive situation/event and to prevent future situations/events from within which I can place myself within a cycle of self-abuse again. I have not seen that I have been/am able to stand up and be present as self-directed will within the living words of 'from here no further' and within living the words of 'from here no further', stopping my participation within the abuse of myself with/as my reactions to thoughts, pictures, memories, and future projections that I create as/with/within relationships within/as myself as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I am not my definition of an illegitimate child. I have reason to be here. I am deserving to be here. I am not a mistake, a burden, or a shame to existence. These are lies I have been telling myself so that I may abuse myself and thus separate myself from myself and all that is here. I see that I have created/lied/manipulated myself into being an outcast of the systems to further separate myself from myself, others, and my world so that I can be alone with myself within the isolation of myself as my mind where I can trap and abuse myself without anyone outside of myself seeing or hearing.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my acceptance and allowance of myself as being a child/person/being that accepts and allows the separation and abuse of myself, that I in-turn, both project myself as separator and abuser and accept and allow separation and abuse on/into my world and my reality. As above, so below. As within, so without. Cause and effect.

When and as I see myself as defining myself within my self-definition of an illegitimate child as indicated by myself telling myself as my mind that I am a mistake, a burden, a shame, not deserving because I was birthed into this world without a presence of a father, I STOP. I breath. I realize that I am here as I am equal and one with myself as myself as a being that was born - no more, no neutral, no less. I direct myself to remove any definitions that I see that I have created for myself that are within my self-interest to separate and abuse myself. I direct myself to remove any definitions that I see that I have created within myself to divert myself from being/becoming a being a purpose within my self-commitment to being/becoming/standing for Life.

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