Thursday, May 24, 2012

Day 14: Fearing a Self-Created Storm

 Continued from Day 13: Forecast: Shit-Storm Ahead

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a state of fear with others outside of myself where when I am around certain individuals my physical body shakes.  I see others as uncontrollable, unpredictable variables that have the potential of threatening my safety and comfort of myself within what I have told myself that I 'know' about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the actions of what others outside of myself do, could do TO ME or MAKE me do. I have not seen that I am continuing to blame others outside of myself for my actions, reactions, behaviors, and how I express myself.  I have not seen the abdication within myself as I live out the statement: The devil made me do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that I am blaming others outside of myself for making, directing, moving, influencing, and/or convincing me to behave/act/react in a specific way and that I am using others as a point of blame from which I can escape the consequences of my choices, directions, movement, actions, and/or reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that I have feared consequence for a very long time within my life and because of that fear within the possible consequence play-outs that I run through and as myself within the scenarios within and as my mind, that I direct myself to be either restrained or free depending on whether I see myself as my mind, my security, my comfort-ability, my personalities, and/or my physical body as being harmed/challenged or safe.  I have not seen that I consider myself and my own self survival above all else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make self-commitments based on what others outside of myself are self-committing their selves to as life.  As my mind and myself as my mind's ability to survive by acting and/or reacting from a personality that I have created from which to manipulate others and thus myself into/as 'fitting in'.

When and as I see myself making self-commitments and self-correction for myself based on what others outside of myself 'would do' or have done, I stop.  I breath.  I direct myself to not accept nor allow myself to manipulate and/or influence myself with my People Pleaser personality creation within my investigations of myself with self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitments.  When and as I re-direct myself with/as/in self-correction and self-commitments, I consider whether the self-correction and self-commitments are able to be practically lived and walked by my self alone as a being that walks along side of a group of others all walking their selves alone.

When and as I see myself as allowing myself to have a physical fear experience and/or reaction to another outside of myself, I stop.  I breath.  I bring my fear back to myself.  I investigate myself with self-forgiveness as to why, how, and what I am fearing about myself that is being mirrored back to me from another outside of myself. I see, realize, and understand that these fears are gifts to myself for myself to for-give myself and that if I run away, blame, brush off, and/or ignore these fears that I am wasting time within an opportunity to understand myself.

When and as I see myself as my mind going through possible consequential outflows of my potential actions/reactions, I stop.  I breath.  I realize that myself as my mind has not and is not yet practically aligned with actual life and thus within and as my mind, there is and has been no real understanding of consequence as I have never allowed myself to see myself as responsible within consequence.

I commit myself to stand as a responsible being within my self-created consequence so that I can in-fact, see and take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed.

I commit myself to understand myself as a People Pleaser Personality.  I am seeing that this People Pleaser Personality that I have created has allowed for myself to tell/manipulate myself into believing that I can escape from/run away from and or ignore the consequences of myself directing myself within 'choice'.

It's interesting - and I'm smiling-softly laughing at myself for thinking for one moment that I could ignore and/or escape from anything and everything that I have ever done in my life that leads to myself experiencing a guilty sickness in my stomach. It is STILL in/as/of me.  Every bit of it and more including whatever memories that I made up to make the story more intense.

I commit myself to self-forgiving the stored guilt as responses to memories of the things I have or told myself that I have 'done' wrong or should have done differently or better.

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