Day 47: I Know What You're All About ...

Continued from:  Day 46: That Is SO Not True About Me,  Day 45: Excuses, Excuses, Day 44: Task and Self-Support Management and Day 43: Starting Over

I commit myself to trusting that I am completing tasks, responsibilities, objectives, goals, chores and/or work  effectively and to the best of my ability. And within this commitment:

When and as I see that I am doubting myself and my abilities to effectively complete a task that is well within my ability to do so, I stop.  I breath through the fear of failure.  I see, realize and understand that I have NEVER FAILED - I have made mistakes - and as I make mistakes, I correct my mistakes, move on, test my correction and re-adjust if/when/as it's required to do so.

I see, realize and understand that correction is simple - in fact, I have been doing it my entire life within my character creation process - the difference now is that I go back and correct within the principle of what is best for all instead of what is best for myself exclusively.

When and as I see/hear myself back-chatting as others to myself and thus responding with my own dialogue that I pair with a physical demonstration that anticipates others expectations, I STOP.  I see and realize that I am talking with/to myself about my own expectations and I now see, realize and understand that to respond/react physically to my expectations by slave-driving myself and my body is NOT COOL and within this, I re-direct myself to self-forgive and self-correct myself in the moment then move on as additionally, I am seeing that it takes LESS TIME to stop, self-forgive, and self-correct and MORE TIME to obsess and fix details as a response to my back-chat that do not change/improve anything of substance.

I commit myself to no longer adopting/teaching myself philosophies and/or tenets that do not prove to be true in all cases and in every application.

I commit myself to allowing myself and others an equal opportunity for change and within this, I commit myself to breathing when in the company of myself/others and seeing who we really are rather than who I THINK we are.

When and as I see/hear/tell myself that I THINK any one person is any one 'way' or of one design as per my correlation of one to a memory of another, I stop. I see, realize, and understand that I am not seeing who myself and others really are - I am seeing us as who/what I've pre-defined us as within a past moment of fear that I stored within myself.  Within seeing, realizing, and understanding that I have been projecting past experiences with/of myself onto myself and others, I re-direct myself to instead breath through the fear and allow myself to BE in moments with myself/others and in this way, 'get to know' myself/others as who/what we really are.

Day 46: That is SO Not True About Me

Art By Kelly Posey

Continued from: Day 45: Excuses, Excuses, Day 44: Task and Self-Support Management and Day 43: Starting Over

When and as I see that I am taking others words, actions, reactions, and/or feedback personal as indicated to me by me experiencing an adrenaline-fear reaction, holding my breath, clenching my teeth, putting a hand on my hip, scrunching my face, and/or allowing my mind to flood with thoughts and memories of why that other is wrong, I stop. I breath and I slow down.  I see and realize that I am reacting out of fear of being seen as incompetent and/or lazy and that I am about to react with words that PROVE that I am not less than another and that I am, in fact, better than another - and because I see the consequence of this as causing conflict, I do not move myself to prove that I am in the right/better - instead I take this as an opportunity to breath and show myself that I can trust myself to take responsibility for myself for my taking it personal reaction in that moment by continuing to breath, hearing others, and taking an inventory of what I am reacting to about myself and why so that I am able to be effective within my taking responsibility for my actions/reactions.

I commit myself to breathing when in a state of reaction and taking an inventory of what is triggering me and why.

When and as I see/hear myself expecting others to do things for me because I do things for them, I see, realize, and understand that this is me looking for appreciation. Additionally, I realize that by doing 'things' for others, that I expect others to labor for me, without question/reaction/negativity - I am making investments in others because I expect a return of servitude. So from here, I stop myself from doing things for others ONLY IF it benefits me and benefits me only and instead, re-direct myself to doing things for others from within/as compassion, caring and what is best.

I commit myself to no longer move myself within doing things for others to prove myself as a worthy, caring, hard-working individual - instead, within this, I commit myself to moving myself within supporting myself and others with tasks that show myself that I am a worthy, caring, hard-working individual within/as/from the point of what is best.

Day 45: Excuses, excuses

Continued from Day 44: Task and Self-Support Management and Day 43: Starting Over

When and as I see that I am compromising myself in the name of money/survival, I realize that I am using money/survival as an excuse and justification for my avoidance of putting all other things in my life on hold.  I stop, I take an inventory of what is absolutely necessary to get done to secure my survival system and then I move on.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to be/become consumed by my system of survival.

I commit myself to no longer use 'work' as an excuse to avoid supporting myself and others.

When and as I see that I am responding to others back-chat as myself within my mind by taking on more and more to please others, I stop.  I breath.  I see and realize that responding to others complaints with my own back-chat drives me to do more/take on the agreed upon responsibilities of others because I am in fear of being a target of the gossip/nasty-talk shared between others. I no longer allow myself to physically abuse myself as a response to my back-chat nor the back-chat I accept, allow, and memorize from within my world.  Instead of allowing myself to be directed by back-chat, I move myself to do what practically needs to be done to get a job/task/objective done.

Day 44: Task and Self-Support Management

'The Hidden Dimensions of Self' by Andrew Gable

Continuing from Day 43: Starting Over

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pair my back-chat-inner-dialogue responses to others with physical expressions of appearing stunned, sighing, dropping my shoulders, shaking my head in disappointment/disbelief, rubbing my face, and/or then retreating to a space separate from others where I sit, fold my arms over my mid-section, lean my head back, clench my teeth and stare at the wall and/or ceiling.  It's within this physical state that I suppress my anger, frustration, and disappointment and make a memory relationship between the experience and label these experiences as precisely 'why I can't trust others' and then make a decision/plan of my future self and how to avoid this experience again by doing the work myself and/or delegating a task to another that has met my expectations time-and-time-again.  I have not seen nor realized that this 'another' person does not exist for any extended amount of time and that eventually, the person that is/was meeting my expectations begins by expressing, "I will do this.  But I don't want to ..." and it all goes downhill from here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instantly recall memories of negative experiences with others that are similar to experiences with others that I am having with others in any given moment and within that, allow myself to be directed by those similar memories as to how I told myself I would act/react if that similarity showed up again in my life - I have not allowed myself to slow myself down and see that this pairing/correlating of the past with a moment and responding as if I were in the past, keeps me in the past and keeps me in a pre-determined pattern which is easier than directing myself/situations as what is best in that moment.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pre-determine my trust of others based on my past similar experiences with others instead of giving myself and others the chance to work out a practical solution/agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to teach myself and be taught by others that no one outside of oneself can be trusted to complete tasks that need to be done without constant and continual supervision, direction and/or reminders.  Specifically, I have allowed myself to buy into the shared philosophy that 'If you want a job done right, you have to do it yourself' and 'When others are left on their own, they will behave like children'.  Because I have accepted and allowed these tenets to exist within and as my leadership/management/home/life, they have become very real in my world where I end up doing more and more and taking on more and more because I do not trust that others will do it if I am not there 'lording over' them.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself that within my reactions and secret-mind-back-chat that I am actually communicating to myself about myself about why I do not trust myself - I do not trust that I am doing the job 'right', I do not trust myself to direct myself within choices/decisions that are in everyone's best interest, I am 'tired' of physically laboring for others when I do not see an immediate benefit for myself, and I would very much 'appreciate it' if another took on some of my task responsibilities so that I can relax for a few moments and enjoy some time where I do not have to 'worry'. Instead of being honest with myself about what my mind is showing me about what I really want within my own self-interest and thus taking responsibility, I projected it onto others.

When and as I see that I am allowing myself and my body to be consumed by work/tasks/duties/responsibility as indicated by me not taking breaks to rest, eat properly, and sufficient time in bed because I am worrying about time, obsessing, back-chatting, and/or responding to fear of survival/failure, I stop.  I re-direct myself to support myself with moments off of my feet, food that is supportive for my body, sleep/resting in bed, and breathing to assist with the stabilizing myself, relaxing myself, and my continued investigation of myself.

I commit myself to managing my time to include resting, sleeping, eating quality foods, and supporting myself with daily blog entries, scheduled chats, and working on my assignments.

I commit myself to drinking water throughout my day and to limit my intake of frozen from concentrated juices and coffee.

When and as I tell myself I am thirsty and thus go to juice, coffee, and/or milk products, I stop. I re-direct myself to instead get/buy/fill a bottle of water and drink it.

I commit myself to, again, stopping my sugar addiction - and within that, for the next 21 days, I commit myself to removing sugar from my diet completely to assist with breaking this habit.

When and as I see that I am compromising myself, my body, my family, my studies, my assignments, my writing, my projects/'me time', and my life for a job/commitment/responsibility as indicated by anger, physical soreness, and/or back-chat that is a response to myself as a 'people pleaser' telling myself that my work is 'probably not good enough so it has to be flawless', I stop.  I breath, separate myself from my task, and work out a plan on paper for what is absolutely required for me to complete the task - I return to my task and complete what needs to be done as per my written plan and when that is done, I remove myself from that task and then move on to go home, support my family, support myself, and/or support those that are supporting me.

Additionally,
When and as I see that I am distracting myself with other tasks that I see need to be done from a point of fear of agitating, annoying, disappointing, and/or giving others a 'reason' to think/communicate negatively about me, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that I am responding to my back-chat and taking others back-chat/negative communication personally and within that I am self-sabotaging and allowing myself as my mind to leach off of me.  Additionally, I now see, realize, and understand that this is a pattern and patterns get me no-where/change nothing - So, I stop.  I remove myself from the task and go back to my written time-task management plan.  Nothing more, nothing less.

I will continue writing tomorrow.

Day 43: Starting Over

 I haven't written in my Journey To Life blog for weeks.  From here, I re-commit myself to push myself to write everyday and since it has been an extensive amount of time since I have written in this blog, I'm starting over with where I am at the moment as well as what I have accepted and allowed as justification for myself not supporting myself.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body over and over and over again - day in and day out - night in and night out - late nights, early mornings, overnights and some days where I do not allow myself to rest/sleep for 36+ hours at a time.  For what? For WHO?  It changes NOTHING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to additionally abuse my body by not allowing myself to stop, remove myself from working, and eat foods that are supportive for my body - instead, I have allowed myself to put myself in a pattern of eating 'whatever I can find' when my body starving which consists of ALL SUGAR and drinking beverages like coffee, fake juices, and chocolate milk to keep myself from 'going down'.  The consequence of this behavior/pattern is that my body is sore, my teeth are getting damaged at a faster rate then I can financially fix them, I am severely dehydrated, I am shakey, I am cold, and the skin all over my body is itchy and breaking out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my body to a point of exhaustion where when I stop moving, sit down, or begin to write, that I 'shut down', 'go blank', am unable to focus my eyes, and my head drops as my awareness moves between being here with others and being unable to participate in any activity outside of work.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not rest my body and within that, continue to push myself within exhaustion day in and day out, that it is not possible within my current state as completely within my mind to be present, breathing, and pushing through resistance/excuses/justifications/distractions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to literally sacrifice/compromise myself and beat on my physical body in the name of survival.  I have told myself that if I do not fully commit myself to my work and the requests of those that determine if I will have a job or not, that I will not have a job and if -I- do not have a job then many others will not have a job - I have been so afraid of failing myself, failing others, and securing a future for myself and others that 'depend' on me, that I did not see that I was failing and the more I took on out of fear/anger/disappointment/ego, the worse my world/situation/physical pain became.  Instead of stopping, saying 'NO. No more.' I said, 'I will make this work - no matter what it takes - if I have to abuse myself, change myself, put myself on hold to uphold my commitment, then so be it.'  In the end, I have lost it all - all of those days, nights, times, and moments are gone and my system of survival follows soon.

---

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that all that I need to make something work is myself and that if I want something done 'right', done 'on time', done efficiently, or DONE PERIOD, that, in the end, I would have to do it myself.  It was easier for me to continue to push and push and push my physical body, work against the clock, and not allow myself to support myself and my family, rather than stand up, communicate what needed to be done, and establish agreements with others regarding what has to be done, within what time frame, and as per specific standards - instead of making agreements and then making certain that all were following through, I compromised - and within that compromising, I did not allow myself or others a chance build trust nor learn how to assist and support each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to others not following through, not 'being here for me' as per my expectations, and/or being pissy/angry/huffy about doing duties that save me time and/or physical exertion/exhaustion.  I have reacted within/as anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, shock and disbelief. I took it personal over and over again - and the more I took it personal, the worse it got - it never improved.  The only thing that strengthened was my distrust, backchat, and absolute disliking/hatred/intolerance/impatience with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed backchat, as a nasty inner dialogue to exist within me as: "WTF? REALLY? Did you JUST back out on me after you said you'd be here?", "You can't be trusted.  Go away now.", "Is it really that hard to do this ONE simple thing every day?", "Dude.  It's your job ... sigh, whatever, you obviously don't care - I'll take it from here.", "If I continue to see you lingering around here and doing nothing while I am doing YOUR JOB and fixing YOUR MISTAKES and doing things that are your job and YOU DON'T WANT TO DO, I swear to God, I'm going to come unglued.", "You have no clue what I am doing for you ... don't you realize that I am putting my entire life on hold for you so that you can not be burdened and enjoy/be apart of the end result?"  "Do you have ANY clue how much I have saved up from doing this on my own so that you can have your party?  No, you don't.  Maybe if you did, you might help me out some over here - and not because you HAVE to but because it's for all of us." aaaaaaaaaand, "Idiots.  Everyone of you.  Well, maybe except for you over there - you're cool."

I will continue tomorrow.

Day 42: I Can't Watch This - Part 6

Here I am writing Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements for:

Day 37: I Can't Watch This
Day 38: I Can't Watch This - Part 2
Day 39: I Can't Watch This - Part 3
Day 40: I Can't Watch This - Part 4
Day 41: I Can't Watch This - Part 5
For additional context, see the documentary Earthlings.

ART By Anna Brix Thomsen

When and as I see that I am taking myself within and as my mind back to a memory of myself of when I was a very young child so that I will experience myself as a human being that does not care and thus tell myself that this is who I am, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that this is myself as my minds way to control me with guilt, remorse, blame, justification, and other negative emotions so that I do not remain here, in breath and thus never realize who I am as life.  Additionally, I now see, realize, and understand that the moment that I had with the cat where I killed the cat was a moment where any variable/instance/event could have happened.

I commit myself to being here in breath with the animals and thus sharing moments with animals.   Within this, I commit myself to stopping the fear that I've attached to the memories of my experiences with animals.  Additionally, I commit myself to stopping the fear that I've attached to the memories of OTHERS, the media, films, books, stories, fictions, etc. as imagined experiences with animals.

I see, realize, and understand that being/becoming equal to and one with life that is here within this physical world requires for me to be present and aware of my reactions and that within my awareness I have moment-by-moment decisions where I can breath through my fear and not allow my fear to direct me within an action/re-action in a moment where anything can happen. 

When and as I see and/or hear myself telling myself 'this is who/what I am' as 'only human', I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that 'who I am', 'what I am', and 'only human' is an expression of the knowledge, information, stories, imaginings, and memories that I have stored within myself as pictures in/as/of/from my mind that I have attached to the words 'who/what I am' and 'human'.

Within this, When and as I see/tell myself that 'I am human', I do so within awareness that 'human' is a physical body controlled by a mind - where every word, action, reaction, personality, Character, thought, emotion, and feeling is pre-determined, pre-scripted, pre-programmed, and pre-narraratored by the mind. 

I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow the excuse of 'I am only human' - within this, I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow myself to use the excuse/justification of 'I am only <anything>' as I see, realize and understand that my allowance of myself being 'only anything' is me allowing and thus accepting myself to be/become diminished, separated, categorized, characterized, and irresponsible.

I commit myself to no longer see myself as a Species separate from other Earthlings and within this, I commit myself to understanding exactly how we are the same as we are all born of/from the Earth and thus are of/from the same substance.  Within this, I commit myself to understanding and establishing a relationship with/as my design and the designs of other Earthlings.

When and as I see myself blaming myself with thoughts of what a 'bad human' I am or blaming my Race as the Human Race/Species, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that BLAME gets me no where and so I breath, equalize myself, and self-forgive my blames that come up in that moment. From here, I re-direct myself by re-minding myself that my design and the design of my fellow human beings as Mind Consciousness Systems is from/of/as a point of dominance and control - and in accepting and allowing myself as this design, I am responsible for all that I have established dominance and control over and I am responsible for all life that I have not seen or heard - specifically those that I have not accepted nor allowed as having/to have a voice/the ability to communicate.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to no longer get caught up in the Blame Game as I see that it is yet another cycle of entrapment.  Within this, I commit myself to focus on supporting, standing for and manifesting a SOLUTION that will put a PERMANENT end to abuse and exploitation.



Additionally, I commit myself to BECOMING THE SOLUTION.  I commit myself to becoming the solution here in THIS PHYSICAL REALITY where we are all given an opportunity in THIS ONE LIFE to reform ourselves and that we can be trusted with Life and thus be FREE.

When and as I continue walking the Earthlings Documentary and I experience any reactions of thoughts, emotions, feelings, memories or the 'I Can't Watch This' Character, I stop.  I breath. I see, realize and understand that this is me within and as my mind where I do not have control over nor an established relationship of responsibility with what I am seeing and so I want what I'm seeing to 'go away'.  Within this seeing, realizing, and understanding that my reactions are an experience that I am having within and as my mind, I direct myself to self-forgive any thoughts, emotions, feelings, memories, and/or physical adrenaline reactions that surface as continue to watch Earthlings and thus give myself the opportunity to align/re-align and equalize myself with what has been accepted and allowed for/as animal abuse.

I commit myself to understanding and becoming equal to what has been/to what I have accepted and allowed for/of/as animal abuse - and within this commitment, I commit myself to watch the Earthlings documentary from start to end and as I do this, I commit myself to self-forgiving and self-correcting any memories, thoughts, and reactions that surface during this process.

When and as I see myself 'feeling sorry' for myself or any other outside of myself, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that 'feeling sorry' is not real - in fact, it is a lie as I have proven to myself that I have programmed the word 'Sorry' into and as my physical living as a way to not accept nor allow myself to be/become responsible for the consequences of my choices and decisions.  Additionally, I see, realize, and understand that by accepting and allowing the word 'Sorry' to exist within and as my physical living/expression, that I am accepting and allowing 'Right/Wrong', blame, judgement, excuses justification, guilt, and escapism to exist and thus I am accepting and allowing the manifested consequences as the World Systems that serve individual self-interest and control without consideration for LIFE.

I commit myself to removing, stopping, and/or re-directing 'Sorry' from my programming and replacing each instance of 'Sorry-ness' with Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction.

When and as I see myself, as a parent, participating in thoughts, memories, programming/pre-programming, imaginings, judgements, and/or fears that could potentially lead to my reacting - I STOP.  I BREATH.  I do not react.  I see, realize, and understand that I NO LONGER have to/need to follow the direction of the narrator within and as my mind that tells me what to do, how to do it, and why to do it from a point of fear that I am 'not raising my kid right' or that 'my kid will not be accepted and/or survive in this world'.  I trust myself to make decisions for/direct myself and my children within the principle of equality and what's best for us as living, breathing, and responsible beings.

I commit myself to stopping my reactions to others and PERFECTING this as I see, realize, and understand that this is absolutely required if I am to actually FOR REAL to assist and support myself and others in being/becoming one/equal-to our physical bodies and our physical world.

I commit myself to SHARE the education of myself within and as my Journey To Life with my children - specifically with my pre-school/kindergarten-aged child who is still home with me, I commit myself to exploring, understanding, and sharing our physical world together as an equal part of his homeschool education. 

I commit myself to remove myself from the HUMAN RACE - where I take myself out of the RACE as I am in NO HURRY to get to the FINISH LINE.  I see, realize, and understand that competing is pointless and that DEMONstrating how special/more deserving/how -amazing- /how right I am changes nothing as when and as I reach the finish line/the end, all that I used as knowledge, information, Characters and personalities to give me a 'winning edge' will die when my mind dies and my body will return to the Earth along with all of my other fellow dead Earthlings.

Within this, I commit myself to changing/re-directing/becoming Being Human where Human is my design and Being is to Be Living here equal to/as myself within and as my design and with all Beings/Earthlings that are here within and as their individual designs.

I commit myself to re-mind myself that FEAR IS LAME.  I see, realize, and understand that fear and all of the processes that go into storing and maintaining that fear are actually diminishing my physical substance and in-fact, are making me lame.

I commit myself to no longer trust my fears by telling myself that 'my fears will keep me safe' as this is simply not true.  I see, realize, and understand that my fears keep myself as a Mind Consciousness System safe - where myself as a physical body is in a safe, under-lock-and-key, and within control of the authority of my Mind that is required to MINE from my physicality/substance to survive.

Within this, I commit myself to trust myself to make cautious, common sense decisions within awareness/understanding of the environment/situation/event that I am in at any given moment.

I commit myself to self-forgive myself for any negative/positive/neutral relationships that I have created with myself and other beings and within this, I commit myself to walk the self-correction for no longer accepting and allowing these mind relationships as well as walk my self-commitments to establish real, physical relationships with myself and other beings.

Day 41: I Can't Watch This - Part 5

Here I am continuing with my process of understanding Animal Abuse.  For context, see:
Day 37: I Can't Watch This
Day 38: I Can't Watch This - Part 2
Day 39: I Can't Watch This - Part 3
Day 40: I Can't Watch This - Part 4
And the documentary Earthlings

ART By Silvia Simone Gerssen

I am questioning my definition of Abuse because:

• I see abuse everywhere, in every 'thing' on this planet.
• When I am NOT being self-honest, I do not see myself as an abuser - I see everyone/thing else OUTSIDE of myself as The Abuser.
• I react to others stories, memories, and experiences of abuse/being abused as, "What the HECK? That is SO wrong." I experience a sorriness with the individual sharing their experience.  I want to hug, hold, and comfort the victim and I want to do everything within my power to separate the victim from their abuser.  I become angry with Earthlings hurting other Earthlings - I become angry, frustrated, and disappointed with Earthlings who ignore the Earthlings that are being hurt by other Earthlings.  I want the abuser, in any form that they have taken on this earth - animal, plant, insect, human, element - all that is HERE to STOP.  Even if it means removal. Just stop.  WHY does it have to be this way?

Now, when and as I ask others in my immediate environment the question of 'WHY does it have to be this way?', I hear, "It is what it is ...", "It's God's Will ...", "That's life ...", "Survival of the fittest ...", "There's nothing any that I or any of us can do about it ...", "Yep.  We're all evil. Get used to it ..." or, "Not my concern, not my problem ..."

Honestly, I am equal to each and every one of these answers as the truth is, before participating with a group if beings that are working on standing up and taking responsibility for the abuse, my answer to the question of 'WHY does it have to be this way?' was any of the above responses depending on what character I was acting, studying, or practicing at the time.  The fact that I have a 'new perspective' as 'NO MORE ABUSE PERIOD' changes nothing in my pattern of character creation - specifically, since I realize that as long as I am reacting to what myself or others see or share as 'abuse', that I have no clue what I'm standing for - how can I possibly give myself an opportunity to understand when I'm completely DISTRACTED by my reaction? I'm just another picketer, waiving a well-written sign in the air, while I use every possible character in my arsenal to get passerby's to not cross-the-line, to join us, or get out of the way.

Here is where I see myself - standing on the grass with my eye-catching sign of all the ugliness that is here.  From time to time, I get the attention from a curious, lonely, or guilty walker-by that wants to learn more but in the end I hear and see, "No thanks. Good luck, though.  I might check on you later to see how you're doing ..."  I see others as not 'getting it' - which is interesting because I GOT IT - loud and clear. Sure, there was a moment when I said, 'This person is INSANE ... I'm out of here ...' but I came right back for more in a matter of days.  Why?  Because all of my questions were answered honestly.  These people spoke to my common sense.  And they gave, and gave, and gave, and gave...

So. Honestly, truthfully, practically, and realistically, how am I allowing myself to define Abuse?  Because I can 'take others words for it' or allow my imagination to show me what abuse is, who the abusers are, who the victims are, etc. - over and over and over again BUT it's not getting me anywhere.

Oh, and another point:  Because we are ALL REACTING TO ABUSE, this leaves A LOT of room for deflection and deception.  I have proved this to myself recently.  Abuse is another Trump Card that I play to resist changing.  I've lived through some chaotic, confusing, emotional, unsafe and physically damaging times which I see myself as justified as using as an excuse and/or escape.  I can no longer allow myself to become this Abused Person Character nor can I accept this character of/as/from others.

Putting It Together
In relation to Animal Abuse and my reaction to the Earthlings documentary, I am reacting as my 'I'm An Abuser' and 'I Am/Was/Will Be Abused' Characters where I then justify becoming the 'I Can't' Character where I am allowing myself to resist as my mind and thus continue with my programming so that I do not allow myself the opportunity to establish an actual real relationship connection with myself via another Earthling.

Solution
In my next blog I will write my self-correction and self-commitment statements for my 'I Can't Watch This' Character. From there, I will investigate how I am living out my Abuse programming/Characters/definitions so that I can stop the reactions, GIVE myself an underSTANDING, and thus continue to establish a relationship of trust with myself.   Within this, I will continue watching Earthlings as my reaction indicates that I must walk this point with my awareness of my resistance.