Day 43: Starting Over

 I haven't written in my Journey To Life blog for weeks.  From here, I re-commit myself to push myself to write everyday and since it has been an extensive amount of time since I have written in this blog, I'm starting over with where I am at the moment as well as what I have accepted and allowed as justification for myself not supporting myself.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my body over and over and over again - day in and day out - night in and night out - late nights, early mornings, overnights and some days where I do not allow myself to rest/sleep for 36+ hours at a time.  For what? For WHO?  It changes NOTHING.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to additionally abuse my body by not allowing myself to stop, remove myself from working, and eat foods that are supportive for my body - instead, I have allowed myself to put myself in a pattern of eating 'whatever I can find' when my body starving which consists of ALL SUGAR and drinking beverages like coffee, fake juices, and chocolate milk to keep myself from 'going down'.  The consequence of this behavior/pattern is that my body is sore, my teeth are getting damaged at a faster rate then I can financially fix them, I am severely dehydrated, I am shakey, I am cold, and the skin all over my body is itchy and breaking out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my body to a point of exhaustion where when I stop moving, sit down, or begin to write, that I 'shut down', 'go blank', am unable to focus my eyes, and my head drops as my awareness moves between being here with others and being unable to participate in any activity outside of work.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if I do not rest my body and within that, continue to push myself within exhaustion day in and day out, that it is not possible within my current state as completely within my mind to be present, breathing, and pushing through resistance/excuses/justifications/distractions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to literally sacrifice/compromise myself and beat on my physical body in the name of survival.  I have told myself that if I do not fully commit myself to my work and the requests of those that determine if I will have a job or not, that I will not have a job and if -I- do not have a job then many others will not have a job - I have been so afraid of failing myself, failing others, and securing a future for myself and others that 'depend' on me, that I did not see that I was failing and the more I took on out of fear/anger/disappointment/ego, the worse my world/situation/physical pain became.  Instead of stopping, saying 'NO. No more.' I said, 'I will make this work - no matter what it takes - if I have to abuse myself, change myself, put myself on hold to uphold my commitment, then so be it.'  In the end, I have lost it all - all of those days, nights, times, and moments are gone and my system of survival follows soon.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that all that I need to make something work is myself and that if I want something done 'right', done 'on time', done efficiently, or DONE PERIOD, that, in the end, I would have to do it myself.  It was easier for me to continue to push and push and push my physical body, work against the clock, and not allow myself to support myself and my family, rather than stand up, communicate what needed to be done, and establish agreements with others regarding what has to be done, within what time frame, and as per specific standards - instead of making agreements and then making certain that all were following through, I compromised - and within that compromising, I did not allow myself or others a chance build trust nor learn how to assist and support each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to others not following through, not 'being here for me' as per my expectations, and/or being pissy/angry/huffy about doing duties that save me time and/or physical exertion/exhaustion.  I have reacted within/as anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, shock and disbelief. I took it personal over and over again - and the more I took it personal, the worse it got - it never improved.  The only thing that strengthened was my distrust, backchat, and absolute disliking/hatred/intolerance/impatience with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed backchat, as a nasty inner dialogue to exist within me as: "WTF? REALLY? Did you JUST back out on me after you said you'd be here?", "You can't be trusted.  Go away now.", "Is it really that hard to do this ONE simple thing every day?", "Dude.  It's your job ... sigh, whatever, you obviously don't care - I'll take it from here.", "If I continue to see you lingering around here and doing nothing while I am doing YOUR JOB and fixing YOUR MISTAKES and doing things that are your job and YOU DON'T WANT TO DO, I swear to God, I'm going to come unglued.", "You have no clue what I am doing for you ... don't you realize that I am putting my entire life on hold for you so that you can not be burdened and enjoy/be apart of the end result?"  "Do you have ANY clue how much I have saved up from doing this on my own so that you can have your party?  No, you don't.  Maybe if you did, you might help me out some over here - and not because you HAVE to but because it's for all of us." aaaaaaaaaand, "Idiots.  Everyone of you.  Well, maybe except for you over there - you're cool."

I will continue tomorrow.