Day 234 - COVID-19 Vaccine

Ahhh. The Covid-19 Vaccine. 

I love conspiracy theories.  LOVE them. Sooo much fun, entertaining and oh so engaging.  I just love chasing those white bunnies down the hole.  It stimulates my mind, keeps me distracted and the most fascinating point of all: it keeps me separated from others within the mind-set that there is someone else out there somewhere that CONTROLS ME, makes decisions for me and boy-oh-boy do they have EVIL INTENTIONS. Hahaha.

So bear with me here. I realized a long time ago that the 'powers that be' are not separate from me in any way.  We're all playing out our minds in the same exact way - for me, specifically, that addiction to control.  And if we're talking about evil.. damn, the shit that has gone through my mind .. evil -- here, insert the blinking eyes and shaking the head at disbelief of what I have become capable of.  A real face-rubber.

We've got to be self-honest here.. if it happened to me having the 'luck' to be born in a 'certain position' would I not be any different?  Self-honestly, not likely.   Even if I had a 'morality system', even if I had been 'raised differently' even if for whatever reason I thought I could make a difference, we're still working with the system here people.  We didn't create it and because of this it's hard to understand sometimes and within this, difficult to come to terms with ... seriously makes no sense. But. We go along with it.  That fear of being tossed out of the pack runs real deep.

Back to The Covid-19 Vaccine.  Here in Maine USA, the governor has said that the front-line health care workers are getting it first. Poor fuckers.  You're the test-cases. You're the monkeys. I feel for you. But.  How long have we been testing this shit on animals without giving a fuck?  Reasoning, it's best for humanity?  Interesting how Karma, for real, works out. You can hate me for saying it - not the first time ... that's the times we're living in where life is at the wheel.  It's actually reeeeally fascinating how life has pretty much bypassed other beings taking our consequence and we're actually going to have to step up.

So let's talk conspiracy theories.  Here we go. Here's the fun part:

"OMG, they're going to chip me -- it's happening!" Haha. Sorry. We're already chipped.  I just find this one so funny because of our cellphones that know everything that we're doing, hearing everything, and literally tracking every where we have ever been.  Google wants us to rate our experience, right?

"OMG they're poisoning us?!?" What. Really? I can personally attest the crap I have put into my body .. all in fun right? My decision.. I did it and still do. Partying, processed food, and bleaching my big white down-alternative comforter.  Not to mention the vaccinations we've already had before we were ever even aware that vaccines may not be the best for us and our bodies.  So what makes it different when someone else is deciding for us?  Do this or be kicked out of the pack? That's where we're going.  What are you actually going to decide when it comes down to it?

"OMG, it's going to change my DNA!" Again. Really. Is our DNA that fucking precious, that golden, that sweet spot in reality? Look at what we have done here.  Are we really 'all that'?  You know we're not. I'm not going to take the next 15 minutes to articulate this because we already know we're assholes. Let's be self-honest: we're afraid of change, afraid of death, afraid of what we don't know.

So this is what I'm seeing.

Let's lean back and see how this goes for the front-line people. Let's support them in anyway that we can. Let's Facebook stalk them and give them hugs and comfort whenever we are given the opportunity to do so.  Gratefulness for taking this on. We're all on the unknown here.  In my life I do not remember a time like we're living now (I'm humping up on 50 years).  Let's embrace this within the realization that we're all each other has - no 'things' or belief is going to save us.  

Myself, I'm just in complete curiosity at this timeline.  Where does it go from here? How can we make the best of what we have been given? What are we going to create? How are things going to change?

[EDIT] For those who have taken the time to read.  I have become Agreeable. Meaning: I have in the past taken the stance of 'I'm right'.  I have seen sooooo many times that I'm not 'right'.  So, I'm curious.  How do you see it?

Day 233 - Say Fuck It

Okay. I have been seeing this blog as a job - as something I must do.  Yet, at the same time, through out my days that I have NOT been writing, I see these really interesting points come up that I'd like to share.  But there's always this point of 'I must direct this in a certain way to show how I'm practically living' or 'this is who I am as a result of me living within certain principles'.  

I get my responsibility within the process of 'who I am within what I'm doing' but fuck.  Where does the 'I have to be a certain thing or a certain way' stop?  Seriously, I'm in the unknown here and sorting things out as I go. I wasn't given an Instruction Manual.  What I have to work with is what I got - what's here. And Self-Forgiveness, correcting my mistakes, and redefining my life, my words as I go.  

I realize this is all self-imposed.  There's really nothing outside of me that's forcing me to do anything.  All me. Really interesting to me how I process and respond to what I have been seeing and hearing externally.

Questioning myself has become me as 'bringing it back to self'. As much as I would like to 'stop it', as much as I would love living life in 'ignorance is bliss' (holy fuck that would be great right?) that's not going to happen - aware of myself in everything here.

So how I have made the best of it? I have fun.  I do.  From cuddling with a four-year old little human to drinking a glass of wine and letting it all spill out to physically expressing myself with nothing and all of me while I listen to music (this kitchen is for dancing) ... I do it.  I've got this one life and I'm so very grateful for mine -- this world sucks and at the same time it's awesome. Giving it to you straight.

Oh. And not giving a fuck 85-90% of the time.  And by not 'giving a fuck', I mean not giving a fuck about what others think of me from the realization that what others think of me is only thoughts and what -I- think of me is me.  So, what comes up in any given moment is me. Makes things a lot easier to not 'give a fuck' in an external way in the life that I have. 

There are some that I do give a fuck about in a very practical way -- my co-workers, the children, and my partner, because I am a part of the whole.  As far as thoughts though.. not my gig.  And I see the consequence of us having thoughts/fears/judgments of each other and the consequences of this which suck and I can't say 'no thanks' because then it would be me separating me from everyone.. also not my gig.  So here we are.. 

What to do with this blog...

Say fuck it.  Going to make this Fun and see what happens.

Day 232: Free Choice

"I forgive myself that I failed to see that free choice in fact are the test of my character to see what I will choose and whether I will use the excuse of giving others the responsibility to forgive me and in this way remain in my self interest as I am through my own allowances not responsible or able to forgive myself and stop what I participate in to redirect myself to that which would be best for all life."  Creations Journey To Life - Day 1: Self-Forgiveness

Okay, so here sharing where I am at within myself, and my mind in relation to my lack of participation in the blogging and the sharing responsibility part of my process.  I have made commitments to myself to share myself and my process in my blog, specifically, and have not lived up to those commitments.  Why? Free choice.

A large part of my day is me working. I work from home online and am grateful for this - I usually don't have to do the rushing balancing act that most parents have to do, I am available to my family and friends for whatever they need and when they need it, and I get to work in my yoga pants. 

It's great though it is a double-edged sword.  It's not something that I see as an 'easy' job nor a job that I usually experience a satisfaction of my passions within it.  And it's usually busy. 

At the end of the day I often have the experience of being burned-out and mentally melted.  From here, I make dinner for the kids, clean up, read, study, write, maybe watch some TV, see what everyone is up to on Facebook on my phone and chat with friends for a bit before bed. 

The last thing I want to be doing when I am not working is doing anything on my computer.  I realize that I have come to connect my computer and doing things on my computer (like blogging) to the negative, often times stressful experiences that I have had at work.

I also see and am aware of how I have created a relationship of 'this is something I have to do' - more work, more responsibility.  Self-honestly, I know that I have dropped the ball here and have been going into things that I find more enjoyable and fun.  Justifying my decisions by exercising my power of 'free choice'.   And even further, having have the ability to justify or explain my choice as a Destonian walking my process:  But ... but, I have redefined FUN and ENJOYMENT and that's what I'm working on living right now ...

I know what I've been doing, not doing and why.  And it has come to the time where I'm currently standing at the 'y' in the road - do I do this or not? Will I be okay with myself if I don't?

No, I will not be okay with myself if I don't and a really don't want to live with the regret of not doing something that I could have done because I chose to go into self-interest or what 'felt better' instead.

Looking back at where I started and where I have come to be now - one thing I have become for sure is standing as point of Change.  Every day has been a process of facing the things that are uncomfortable for me and forging forward - observing, writing, understanding, self-forgiving, testing, living a 'different way', sharing and supporting with how to change in real-time, here, in what I consider to be the 'real world' in 'real moments' and with 'real people' that I come in 'real physical contact' with.

Desteni is the why and how I have become who and what I am now.  Not even close to being who I was 8-9 years ago when I started walking with this group of people.

I know that most of us, including myself, use these blogs for understanding and support, to break out of perceptions and patterns, to become better and to live or start living our potential.  It's time for me to step up, do the same, and give what I have been given.