Okay. I have been seeing this blog as a job - as something I must do. Yet, at the same time, through out my days that I have NOT been writing, I see these really interesting points come up that I'd like to share. But there's always this point of 'I must direct this in a certain way to show how I'm practically living' or 'this is who I am as a result of me living within certain principles'.
I get my responsibility within the process of 'who I am within what I'm doing' but fuck. Where does the 'I have to be a certain thing or a certain way' stop? Seriously, I'm in the unknown here and sorting things out as I go. I wasn't given an Instruction Manual. What I have to work with is what I got - what's here. And Self-Forgiveness, correcting my mistakes, and redefining my life, my words as I go.
I realize this is all self-imposed. There's really nothing outside of me that's forcing me to do anything. All me. Really interesting to me how I process and respond to what I have been seeing and hearing externally.
Questioning myself has become me as 'bringing it back to self'. As much as I would like to 'stop it', as much as I would love living life in 'ignorance is bliss' (holy fuck that would be great right?) that's not going to happen - aware of myself in everything here.
So how I have made the best of it? I have fun. I do. From cuddling with a four-year old little human to drinking a glass of wine and letting it all spill out to physically expressing myself with nothing and all of me while I listen to music (this kitchen is for dancing) ... I do it. I've got this one life and I'm so very grateful for mine -- this world sucks and at the same time it's awesome. Giving it to you straight.
Oh. And not giving a fuck 85-90% of the time. And by not 'giving a fuck', I mean not giving a fuck about what others think of me from the realization that what others think of me is only thoughts and what -I- think of me is me. So, what comes up in any given moment is me. Makes things a lot easier to not 'give a fuck' in an external way in the life that I have.
There are some that I do give a fuck about in a very practical way -- my co-workers, the children, and my partner, because I am a part of the whole. As far as thoughts though.. not my gig. And I see the consequence of us having thoughts/fears/judgments of each other and the consequences of this which suck and I can't say 'no thanks' because then it would be me separating me from everyone.. also not my gig. So here we are..
What to do with this blog...
Say fuck it. Going to make this Fun and see what happens.
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