Day 223: But I'm The Victim ... Right?

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Day 222: My God ... these lies - Part 2

This blog is the self-application and self-commitment part of my writing and self-forgiveness process from my previous blog post Day 221: My God ... these lies.

I commit myself to stopping myself from reacting in shock when and as I am faced with lies in regards to the lies I tell myself/told myself and the lies that I am or have been told by when and as I am faced with and/and or hearing lies, I stop and breath until the energy dissipates.  I realize that through the years that I have created an automatic physical response to information that doesn't align or match a pattern - that I have automatically been going into fear and within this, injecting myself with adrenaline which makes the experience shocking.  So, by breathing, regulating my physical body, and not going into the fear thoughts that are coming up, I commit myself to gradually stop this automatic physical response and thus stop shocking myself.

I commit myself to being aware that the external lies that I am hearing/seeing are not personal and remind myself that what I am hearing/seeing is self-deception being externalized.  And within this, I commit myself to when and as I hear/see something that doesn't align, doesn't fit a pattern, and/or is intentionally/unintentionally deceptive - and when I react to it - to breath and mirror it back to myself to support myself to see where I exist within the lie and where it exists within me.

I commit myself to handle the truth of myself and within this, I commit myself to be consistent and disciplined with writing and self-forgiving and thus stop myself from attempting to shut down self-awareness.

I commit myself to utilizing anger as a flag-point for when I am not or have not been self-honest with myself. So, in relation to lies, I commit myself to when and as I am hearing/seeing something that I perceive in my mind as wrong or something that 'people just aren't supposed to do', I will re-direct myself to investigate and deconstruct my belief system.

I commit myself to no longer expect that others purify themselves of lies.  And within this, I commit myself to purify myself of lies through writing, self-forgiveness, and self-application.  I take responsibility for my transgressions and stop going into stories that I have made up and stop creating new stories as a way of covering up or attempting to save face from what I have accepted and allowed of myself to do/be/become.  By living this commitment, I will know that I can trust myself and be honest with myself and others.

And so...

I commit myself to stop judging myself for the decisions and actions made and to thus stop threatening myself with imaginations of what would happen if 'anyone finds out'. Instead of judging, threatening, and punishing, I will write it all out, self-forgive myself, self-correct.  So, when this stuff comes up in a given moment, I stop, breath, and remind myself to stop torturing myself as this mind behavior hasn't ever kept me from making decisions that aren't best and has never changed me - in-fact, I realize that it actually triggers and perpetuates existing patterns.

I will utilize my commitments here to support myself to stop my reactions to external information and to stop reactions to the internal information that exists within me as my secret mind.

I commit myself to not go into the temptation of confessing or  'spilling my secrets' to an external source by when and as the urge comes up, I stop, breath, remind myself that what I want - to be able to confess in a safe, solid, and stable 'environment' - can only be done with myself with writing and self-forgiveness.  I realize that the idea of external forgiveness is not realistic.

Day 221: My God ... these lies

The extent of the lying that I have been faced with over the past weeks has blown me out of the water.  In my mind, I can't even process it.  I don't have the words ... alls I can say is, 'my god .. oh my fucking god..' I mean, I -really- have not liked taking this point on at all. And I get so angry and have just really wanted to project that anger and blame onto someone else.  In awareness, though, I'm here reminding myself of the truth of myself.  Face it Carrie. You have been a liar.

In the past, I have said whatever I have to say in order to not be found out. I have been spinning stories, embellishing, twisting facts, and intentionally withholding information - all of this to save myself, to safe face, or to keep things from changing in a way that I would not like.  I have seen my lies as worse than any that have been told to me.  And it hasn't been just 'then' ... the temptation to lie comes up - it's like, right there, alls I have to do is follow the words - follow the story that I have previously concocted in my mind during imaginary roleplaying.

Predominately, I have found ... and here's the kicker ... that I dislike holding onto secrets.  I want to just spill it, be done with it, and move on.  However, reality has shown that this can be damaging - to oneself and others.  A predicament.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shock when I have been faced with lies - as if it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to see lies as something that are happening to me instead of seeing that lying is actually something I have done quite often - it is not something that happens to me, it exists within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see my inability to handle the truth of myself in the very way that my mind cannot accept or come to terms with lies.  I have not noticed how I have been shutting down self-awareness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to utilize anger as a red-flag for when I'm not being self-honest and have been instead automatically projecting it onto others as something they are doing wrong.  And within this, not seeing, realizing, or allowing myself to get into understanding the belief system that I've created about what I'm hearing/seeing as 'wrong'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as doing wrong things and within this, to threaten myself with imaginations of what would happen if  'anyone finds out'.  Instead of coming clean with myself, letting go, and seeing that I made a mistake that would best not be repeated, I have been holding on to these things and torturing myself with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my internal information - and the things that go in in my secret mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that 'spilling my secrets' clear me of responsibility because I 'told the truth' and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this idea that if I tell everything that  have done and talk about the secret life I have created for myself in mind, that I am absolved of consequence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see my desire/impulse to externalize my confessions instead of confessing to myself with self-forgiveness - and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be SELF-HONEST instead of HONEST.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask myself, "Who am I within the lies and who would I like to be - what is best for me to be?"

I started writing this blog a couple of weeks ago and it looks 'light' to me.  Like, the self-forgiveness here doesn't even begin to cut into the anger and hurt that I am experiencing due to being repeatedly and intensely lied to over the past two months and beyond that ... the drawn out lies through the years.

Day 220: Betrayed - One Gift

One of the coolest things I've seen in myself within this all is how Resourceful I am.  As I have walked my relationship with another and not gotten what I saw that I needed, I would find ways to give what I want or need to myself.  So, as I expressed what I wanted or needed and my partner was not able to give, I found creative ways to be satisfied with myself.  If I was wanting to be physical, I would work out . If I wanted to communicate with others, I would find people to communicate.  If I wanted to go out and do things with others, I would make friends. With time, I was able to give myself almost everything. In a way, I see it as a challenge or something new that has yet to be discovered, like, "I want this. I need this. How can I go about getting this? Just how creative can I get here?"

So, when the point came up of walking a betrayal situation and deciding that enough is enough, I was fully equipped.  Because I had given myself so much already, the transition was very quick and smooth.  In my previous blogs, I have gone into how my life fell apart - and even though there was a part of me that was in fear of the change and the unknown, there was more of me that was stable, solid, and automatically aware of what needed to be done and finding creative ways to do it.  For the things that I didn't know how to deal with - the stuff that was coming up in my mind, the overwhelming emotions, and the intense shock of the situation, I had support.  For anyone - no matter what situation you are facing - see, you do not have to do this alone. There are people here that can very effectively assist you.

 My message here is: When, if, or as you find that you are not satisfied with your situation, look for an test out ways of giving yourself that satisfaction.  Be creative. Enjoy the process. Make it a game if you will.  I mean, in the end, when it comes down to it, our lives can change in any given moment ... we can in-fact lose everything outside of ourselves and be left with only ourselves.  Doesn't it make sense to start doing and giving things for oneself now? The more we do things, the more automatic they become. Prepare yourself.