Day 212: Making Something Out of Nothing

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to suppress a point that keeps coming up in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be annoyed with a point that keeps coming up in my mind because it won't go away - and I often catch myself going into it with imaginations and making it bigger than it is. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want or desire for things to be more or greater than what they are so that I can have a positive energetic experience. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become frustrated with myself when I have allowed myself to go into my imaginations on things - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grumble, mutter, and be pissy with myself when I 'take the bait'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then become angry with myself as I have judged myself as doing something that I shouldn't be doing.

And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself: this is a pattern that I created for myself over YEARS - it is who I have become - and I'm required to come to terms with that so I can re-pattern myself in a way that works better for me and the commitments that I have made in this life and make the absolute best of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in conflict with myself - one part of me wanting to separate from the point and another part of me wanting to connect.

And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience myself within polar ways of being - hot/cold, gentle/hard, calm/stimulated, open/closed, interested/disinterested - all depending on what's going on in my mind and what I see that I am getting or not getting.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see - that just because a thought is coming up in my mind - that I have to respond to it, interact with it, and make it real. Not realizing the amount of energy that I am placing into that one thought - and all of the friction and conflict I have imposed upon myself to generate that energy - all to make something out of nothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself as my physical body in my pursuit of a positive energetic experience.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program my physical body to respond to the pursuits of my mind - I have fully integrated my mind into my body to the point of where I am barely able to differentiate between what's a physical process and what's a mind process - life and not life - expression and suppression.

I commit myself to no longer suppress what comes up in my mind by when and as these uncomfortable, seemingly unchangeable points come up, I allow myself to see them and sort them out with introspection, writing, self-forgiveness and solutions.

I commit myself to stop reacting to those annoying points that come in my mind - the one's that keep coming up even though I have been actively working to understand and fix the issue by when and as I experience that reaction of annoyance of frustration begin to accumulate, I stop, breath, and remind myself that the point simply requires more work and that perhaps there is another dimension to the issue that I hadn't considered - and continue breathing until the energy dissipates. I then commit myself to looking at the point a bit deeper and allow myself to open up to myself what I have missed.

I commit myself to stop making things more - and for that matter, less than - what they are by not allowing myself to go into my mind on these things and instead going into the physical with writing and self-forgiveness as I am aware that my mind is always going to make things bigger, smaller, backwards, upside down, and even distorted from what's really going on.

I commit myself to be patient with myself as I make changes - so I will stop myself from getting all frustrated, pissy and grumbling to myself as I realize this pissed off personality is just another character that I'm playing out - and in this case, for my benefit.  I remind myself that this acting out is self-dishonest and like I have been telling myself, "I'm trying!" When I'm really not.  So, when this urge comes up to act out this Pissed Off character for myself, instead of acting it out, I will use it as a flagpoint for myself to slow it down, be patient, and push myself to go further.

I commit myself to remind myself that the thoughts coming up in my mind aren't 'real' to the extent that it's the Law of Me, the Authority of Me, the decider of things, and Me In General by when and as the thoughts come up, I allow myself to look at them and decide what to do with them - either see that it's just a thought or sort it out when/as/if I am experiencing a reaction.

I commit myself to this journey of re-programming myself as my physical body to respond in a way that is best!

Day 211: Pot & Kettle

I've been working with a point for a few months now where I require someone else to assist me with something because I have not seen how I can do it for myself.  I have asked, I have pushed, I have yelled, I have pleaded, I have cried, I have been changing my perspective, changed the way I do things, and I have presented alternative solutions.  There have been times when I just want to throw my arms up in the air and say, 'Fuck it! I give up!' - and I really do wish this was possible - that I could just say, 'I'm done with this', and be done with it.  But it's not happening.

I have noticed that every time I approach this problem and do not come up with a workable solution, that I say to myself, "Well, I'm just going to have to do this on my own ..." And then, I say to myself, "But I don't want to have to do this on my own.  Why do I have to do this on my own?  Everyone else in this similar situation does not have to do this on their own!" I have then started crying and being miserable.  This pattern has been repeating over and over and over again.

I ask myself, "Why am I so emotional about this? Why can I not accept that I am going to have to either give this point up or take care of it on my own?"  And my answer is the same: Because I don't want to.

Tonight my son Hunter was asking me to get him a snack.  Not only was he able to get himself a snack but I was also working so I said, "No. You get it."  The thing is, I will usually just go and get him whatever he wants when he asks, though this time, I didn't see why he couldn't do it himself.  He started to whine, "Noooooooooo. I don't want to do it myself ... you have to do it for me ..." And then started whimpering and carrying on for the next half-hour until he fell asleep.

Well, oh my god.  Talk about the pot showing the kettle how black it is.  He was doing the exact same thing that I had been doing shortly before ... having a temper tantrum.

When I look at what he's experiencing, I see that he's accustomed to me getting him a snack when he wants one and he's satisfied with that. So when the situation changes and he's placed in a position of having to change what he's doing, it's not an easy thing.  I see in him how I have gotten into these habits and ways of doing things based on how they have played out in the past - and I'm so accustomed to things going that one and only way that I do not consider that there may be another way to do things.  In fact, I don't even want to consider it.  My mind does not see the point of it when things work just fine doing the 'old way', the way that I know, and the way that I see everyone else is doing it.

So, the reality is that if this point is important enough for me to have for myself, I will have to do it for myself. And within this, give up all of my ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, and future projections of how it should be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to do certain things on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to change how I am doing things - even when the situation changes and there are no other practical alternatives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become emotional when things change and as a result of this change, I have to change.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience sadness and pity for myself because things didn't go as planned, as I had hoped, or how others are going about doing similar things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have temper tantrums where I attempt to manipulate the sitatuation - and myself and others in the situation - with crying, anger, frustration, being miserable, and expressing depression.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control others with these manipulation tactics instead of moving myself to do things for myself by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to do certain things for me - even when I am capable of moving myself to do these things for myself.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy and to not commit myself to doing this important thing for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my beliefs to stand in the way of me changing.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed all of this - ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, resistance, emotions, temper tantrums, manipulation tactics and laziness - all because I have had a fear of the unknown and having to face it on my own.

I commit myself to do this for myself by putting my all into it, understanding it, exploring it, and learning how to do it on my own.

I commit myself to stopping myself from becoming emotional when I am faced with a point that's changed and as a result must change myself by when and as the thoughts come up of me being the victim somehow, getting the short end of the stick, and/or any of the reasons why things should go as I want, expect, or hope, I stop and breath.  I remind myself: this is Life - Life changes and where I've made the commitment to participate with and be Life, I've got to change too.

I commit myself to be equal-to the force of Life in my change and doing things for myself.

I commit myself to stop handling situations with temper tantrums and other manipulation tactics by when and as I see myself wanting to act out or speak out my frustration because something has changed, I'm not in control of a situation, and/or because I don't know what else to do, I stop and breath.  I don't allow myself to get myself worked up and in a panic and instead allow myself to breath myself back to where I can see things clearly and look at how I can approach the changed situation.  I realize that if I don't allow myself to go into my thoughts and beliefs on the matter, that I'm better able to sort things out and make adjustments as necessary.

I commit myself to stop allowing all of these ideas, beliefs, memories, past experiences, expectations, future projections, and resistances to influence me from changing - I realize that it's all utter nonsense.  And, really, I can be done with it at this point and simply use these things coming up for self-support.

I commit myself to show myself what I can do for myself to support myself.