Day 210: The Way Life Should Be

In this blog, I am applying self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment to thoughts that I have had while in my I'm Missing Out Character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself, "I never get to do what I want," after I have seen that I am not able to do something that I want to do or if I haven't gotten to do something that I had wanted to do.  As I hear myself and the words now, it sounds like a pouty-voiced temper tantrum - where, if I were to act it out, I would pout, clench my fists, stomp my foot and whine.  Had I not reacted to things not going my way - or for that matter, not gone into my and imagined how things could go in the first the place - I would have been stable and better able to see the moment in a down-to-earth, mature way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project blame on others when and as there has been something that I want to do but can't.  I have been turning my dissatisfaction with my life and myself onto others and not taking responsibility for the decisions that I have made while attempting to live out a fantasy of unrealistic events and expectations of 'what life should be' in my mind.  It is an alternate reality that doesn't hold up in the physical world outside of my mind - and yet, despite my ideas, beliefs, and plans of how I can live out my fantasies rarely working out and causing a lot of conflict with myself and others, I have not allowed myself to let go of my beliefs nor have I stopped recreating them for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the belief that life is 'too short to be missing out on opportunities to experience certain things'. I have bought into these words because they have benefited me on my path of attempting to live out my fantasies of 'what life should be' - nice words that have been covering up and supporting my fear of missing out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have often times imagine myself as really old lady who is looking back on my young life in regret of all of the things that I could have done but didn't.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this future-projection of myself to exist within and as me as I realize that picture is something I picked up somewhere from watching TV or a movie or I read it somewhere along the way - it's an implant that I accepted and allowed because it aligned with my fears of growing old, loss, missing out, and negative emotional experiences.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the belief that there are 'so many things to do and so many people to meet - and there's not enough time to do it in'. I see that this is a belief that I created for myself by repeating it to myself over-and-over again after I heard a friend say something similar a few times - and I wanted to be like her: popular, a master socializer, and a free spirit - as this would have insured that I was liked, included in everyone's plans, and free to join in whatever others were doing.  Thing is, I've never been 'free' to join in what others are doing as I would like to which has produced a significant amount of conflict, some consequence that I'm not really cool with, and decisions that had not considered what is best for everyone that could potentially be effected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be doing, seeing, and experiencing what others are instead of doing, seeing, and being who/what I am and have been.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as one of my friends or past relationships come up in my mind with the memories of experienced that I have connected to them and then wonder, "What fun are they having without me?" and "What have I been missing?"  Instead of going into what I have been missing or what I have apparently 'lost' because I'm not getting fun or whatever other experience from the relationship/friendship anymore, I could have simply enjoyed the memories and the times we had together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself and others, "I always miss everything!" in a whiney voice. Lol.  This is not true and me playing out a character (and not even a unique one) to get some sort of a reaction out of  myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself and others, "It's not fair that others can be there and doing the things that I want to do when I can't."  Somewhere I have come up with this belief and idea that life is supposed to be fair when it obviously is not.  And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have unreal expectations of what life is and trying to force life into these ideas instead of realizing I can't control life, letting go of this belief that life is supposed to be fair, and being in/with/as life without preconceived notions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have driven myself from starting points of greed and self-interest - so, when I say, "If I don't this, someone else will get to experience it and I won't," it has meant that I have not wanted to share and that I have not wanted others to have what I want for myself.  Why would I continue to allow myself to exist in this way when, looking at the world,  I see the consequences of living/being/thinking in this way?

I commit myself to stop going into reacting when and as points come up that are not aligning with my ideas and beliefs of the way 'things should be' and/or 'my way' as I have worked them out to be in my mind.  When and as the beliefs and ideas come up, I stop, breath, and question the ideas and beliefs by asking myself, "Where is this coming from?  How am I living out this point? How is this benefiting me? What are the consequences? What can I do to physically change this point?"

Within this, I commit myself to stop going into my imaginations from a point of self-interest with the intent of seeing how things could play out in a positive way for me by when and as I see there is an opportunity for me to do or experience something, I stop, breath, and do not allow myself to go into anticipation, excitement, or any other positive feelings or any of the images that may be coming up in my mind.  I remain clear and stable - observing what's coming up and self-forgiving if possible or necessary - and direct myself from here.

I commit myself to stop the pattern of going into want and desire in regards to what others are doing and experiencing by when and as I see myself going into imagining what it would be like for me in their situation, I stop, breath, and bring my attention and focus back to myself, where I am, what I am doing, and what I'm already working on for goals and fun activities.

I commit myself to stop the fear of becoming old and within this, the fear of existing in regret by reminding myself that I will truly be fortunate if I am able to become old and of all the things that I've done, the regrets that I have had are a result of me being in my mind in separation rather than being here in the moment - letting go, taking it in, giving back, and allowing myself to enjoy myself, others and whatever is going on if anything at all.

I commit myself to stopping my mind and physical patterns of attempting to be someone else or attempt to live out their life and instead focus on living my own - I commit myself to my own adventure into the unknown.

I commit myself to giving myself what I have been looking for experiences and other people to give to me by when and as I see myself looking to an external source for me to have a desired experience, I stop and breath.  I bring the point back to myself, investigate it, and see if I can come up with ways of giving it to myself! I will make a game of it and create some fun for myself.

I commit myself to stopping my mind and physical patterns of forcing myself as my ideas, beliefs, and the way I think 'things should be' onto external reality by when and as the fear comes up as indicated by the tightness in my solar plexus and the urge to 'speak my mind', I stop, breath, and allow myself to let it go.  I mean, life as it exists isn't fair - and it will never be fair until it's fair for everyone equally.

I commit myself to stop my mind and physical patterns of greed and self-interest by changing my ways - I will give as I have been given or as I would like for myself, I will take the time to consider others and where they are coming from and I will support where I am able and always work on creative ways of expressing this support.

Day 209: My 'I'm Missing Out' Character

I have been walking my Fear of Missing Out.  I have previously written two blogs on the point, Day 207: Fear of Missing Out and Day 208: No More Fear of Missing Out. If you are facing a similar point, I definitely suggest listening to Missing Out - Fears & Phobias on EQAFE.

In this blog, I am going deeper into understanding my Fear of Missing Out by dissecting the I Am Missing Out Character that I've created from and in support of this fear of missing out.  In the next blog, I will be writing self-forgiveness for what comes up in this self-investigation process.

THOUGHTS

• I never get to do what I want.  
• Others are holding me back from doing what I want.  
• Life is too short to be missing out on opportunities to experience certain things in life.  
• When I'm old, I will regret not doing everything that I had wanted to do in my life.  
• So many things to do and so many people to meet - and not enough time to do it in.  
• I just want to be able to do, see, and experience what others are.  
• I wonder what fun they are having with out me - what am I missing?
• I always miss everything.
• It's not fair that others can be there and doing those things while I can't.
• If I don't do this, someone else will get to experience it and I won't.

IMAGINATIONS

• Imagine myself stuck in the house doing nothing and being bored while my friends are laughing, talking, dancing, bonding, and having a good time.
• Imagine someone telling me that I cannot go and do something that I want to do.
• Imagine myself as an old person looking back at my life and experiencing deep regret and sadness for all of the things that I did not see, do, and/or experience for myself.
• Imagine my friends standing around together, looking for me, and asking each other, "Where's Carrie?" And then one answering, "Oh, she said she couldn't come." And then another rolling their eyes as if it was my choice to not be with them - like, I am happier without them than with them - which isn't true at all.  I imagine myself explaining this to them and them not believing me.
• Imagine myself as on the outside looking in.
• Imagine someone else enjoying what I saw was my experience that I was not able to experience myself.

BACKCHATS

• "I hate it that they are having fun without me. I bet they don't even notice that I'm not there."
• "It's THEIR fault that I cannot do what I want to be doing."
• "If it weren't for the fact that I have to work and support a family, I could do whatever I want."
• "My parents ruined any opportunities that I had as a child and teenager and now the responsibilities and commitments that I have had since then have been ruining my chance to have a fulfilling life."
• "My family holds me back from having fun and doing what I want."
• "My life has been wasted."
• "They think that I don't care."
• "They think that I'm making up excuses."
• "They don't understand that there's nothing I can do."
• "Well, if they don't believe me, then screw them."
• "That was MY experience.  I don't want them to have it if I can't. No fair."

REACTIONS
Boredom, disappointment, sadness, dissatisfaction, anger, annoyance, victimized, punished, stuck, sheltered, resigned, spiteful, worried, presumptuous, depressed, powerlessness, selfishness, jealousy.

PHYSICAL BEHAVIOR

• Slumped shoulders and sad face
• Frowning
• Clenched jaws

FEARS

• That I am going to die before I get to get the things that I want to do.
• That I am going to be left out and that I will feel sad and lonely.
• That people will stop asking me to do things with them and I will feel sad and lonely.
• That I will lose opportunities.
• That I will lose my friends.
• That I will die alone and no one will notice that I'm gone.
• That I will not be 'in the know' and/or missing out on information and experiences.
• That I will never know freedom like other people do.
• That I missed out on life and now it's almost too late for me.
• That someone else will have and enjoy something that should be mine but can't have.

CONSEQUENCES

• I have been in my mind worrying about the things that I want to do before I die instead of actually living and being satisfied with the things that I have done.
• I have been paranoid about being left out or not being asked to do things because the experience of being sad and lonely has been uncomfortable.
• I have often taken on too much, stayed out too long, put a lot of physical strain on my body and have made MANY decisions from a point of self-interest rather than considering everything and everyone equally.
• I have become a 'people pleaser' and have often said, "Yes," when the best answer would have been, "No", "I'm actually busy doing something else" or "We'll see."
• I have given in to peer pressure - been easily influenced by external sources.
• I have almost always experienced myself as a victim - and within this, focused on and accepted the problem instead of taking a step back and focusing on what's really important and going for it.
• I have had a negative relationship with time - as though it has power over me and is the enemy.
• I have seen others as competition and driven myself to 'get there' or get something before they do.
• I have not wanted to share.
• I have been focusing on my needs/wants/interests first instead of equally considering the needs/wants/interests of others and myself.

Seeing the character in-front of me, I realize that one of my main current issues I am dealing with and have not directed is me being married and having a family where I have connected 'being married' and 'having a family' to 'missing out'.   I see there are other points I have connected to 'missing out' that play-out in my daily life, though, for the moment, in the next blog, I will write self-forgiveness for the apparent points and see how things go from there.

Day 208: No More Fear of Missing Out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea that I am missing out on certain things in my life to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea that I'm missing out on certain things in my life to continually influence me from when I was a young child to my current time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the idea of missing out evolve into fear overtime - where, I have attached so many negative energetic memories, experiences, and emotions to the times when I have not been able to physically participate in the same activities of others, that I have become extremely uncomfortable and somewhat paranoid when I have thought about doing something that I am interested in doing and yet, for whatever reason, I can't or may not be able to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious, frustrated, disappointed, and angry when and as I see something that others are doing that I want to be doing to but I am not able, for whatever reason.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how when and as I want to do something that others are doing and in this wanting, imagine myself actually doing it, when I'm not able to live it out as I had planned, hoped, and/or imagined, I have become disappointed, frustrated, and angry.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my mind has been interpreting whatever I place into it as thoughts and imaginations as happening or already happened - so when I have not been able to actually physically live out what I have already lived out in my mind, I have produced a lot of conflict for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my history with my parents saying I could not do what other kids my age were doing, to mold me into an individual that is paranoid of not getting to do what others are doing.  And within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become angry and blame everyone and everything that I see as holding me back from doing what I believe I should be doing - all the while, not seeing, realizing, nor understanding that it was me that has been coming up with the ideas of the things that I should or could be doing based on my interest and my beliefs that I must live out my interests in order to be fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must live out my interests - what looks fun, exciting, fascinating, and/or compelling - for me to have a full life.  And I forgive myself that I have been accepting and allowing myself to tell myself that if I do not participate in certain activities or have certain things in this life, that I will regret it - that I will be missing out and/or a part of me will be incomplete.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not hear myself when I say things to myself like 'I'm missing out ...' or 'I am incomplete' ... or 'I regret my life' ... because instead hearing the self-communication, I have been separating myself from it and projecting it onto my external environment and the people and things within and as it.  Had I not separated myself from what was going on with me, I would have heard something a bit differently in regards to my relationship with my mind as compared to the physical living.

To be continued.

Day 207: Fear of Missing Out

THERE IS ACTUALLY A CURE.
Understand the fear, take self-responsibility for accepting and allowing the fear in the first place, change your perspective, and re-direct your decisions and physical movements to align with your utmost potential.

Something that I've noticed coming up a lot for me lately is the idea that I'm missing out on certain things in my life.  I see where this mind-set has been a part of me for a very long time, though, I didn't really start paying attention to it until recently.  So, last night I went to EQAFE and typed 'Missing Out' in the search bar and came up with several interviews that could potentially be supportive.  Based on the descriptions that were in alignment with the points I've been looking at, I decided to listen to I Fear Missing Out - Life Review and Missing Out - Fears & Phobias.  Interestingly enough, I have also been sorting out some relationship issues and see that My Perfect Partner Lives in My Mind (Part 1) - Life Review is among the interviews that popped up and I see how that could be supportive so I'll listen later.  For the moment, I'll be focusing on looking at the points that came up while listening to the first two interviews.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this in any of my previous blogs but when I was kid, my parents didn't usually allow me to do the things that my friends were doing as I was restricted to my room for months (or years) at a time, my parents would flat-out say, "No," or they would say, "Yes," and then I would get in trouble somehow and they would then tell me that I couldn't go.  I would always be hopeful that things would be different with each new opportunity that came up to be out with friends - that my parents would say, "Yes," and stick to it or make an exception to my restriction and within this, imagine all of the fun I would have.  This RARELY ever happened though.  Further, when my friends would talk about all of the fun that they had - the fun that I was not allowed to participate in - I remember seeing myself as 'left out' and I experienced a great deal of frustration and anger at both my friends and my parents because I had not been able to live out the good times that I had imagined in my mind.  And further, I saw no way that I could fix the situation and as hard as I worked on 'being good' so that I could do the things that other kids were doing, I'd usually make a mistake somewhere and the opportunity would be 'taken away'.  I blamed my parents for being too strict and not being understanding of me - and I blamed myself for always finding a way to screw things up.

Even after I moved out and became independent from my parents, I have continued with this seeing myself as 'missing out' - whether it's been in personal relationships where things don't go as awesome as I imagined and/or as I had planned them being or as a young mother not being able to do the things that others my age were doing.  I see how this fear of missing out has influencing my relationship with time, my moment-to-moment decisions, work, socializing, and even how I eat and what foods I choose to eat.

At the end of it all - my reason, excuse, and justification for not changing is that I see myself as the victim in all of this - like, I'm stuck and forced into going along with whatever my mind, others, and the world decides for me.  Like, I'm being punished over-and-over again and have no control over that which obviously, is not true.

In the next blog, I will begin the self-forgiveness process and see what comes up as I get deeper into understanding the problem and releasing myself from the pattern.

Day 206: Preparing Myself To Be Forgiving and Understanding

Here are self-correction and self-commitment statements from realizations that I've had during the past month or so after having some brief communication with someone who claimed to be famous.  During the process, I found that I had not equipped and/or prepared myself with a way of dealing with what was coming up for me on a personal level, so the the purpose of these last few blogs were to do that for myself in the event that a similar opportunity comes up again.

For context, see Day 204: How I Became Hard and Uncaring and Day 205: How I Became Hard and Uncaring - Self-Forgiveness

I commit myself to stopping myself from processing new information in my mind by when and as I am taking in or taking on new information, I stop, I breath, and write the points that are being presented.  Within this, I direct myself to side-note any fears, thoughts, backchats, reactions, and points that I am attempting to separate myself from.

When and as I see that I am becoming uncomfortable with experiences, information, and/or others beliefs, I stop and I breath.  Instead of going into my mind on these these things and cross-referencing in my mind whether something I am hearing or seeing is 'right' or 'wrong', I write down or take note of what's coming up and what I have connected that information as both a point of support for me sorting it out later and so that I can get what's coming up 'off my plate' for the moment and focus on what's going on - and not go into my thoughts, ideas, beliefs, and judgments.

I commit myself to not suppress what's coming up for thoughts and reactions - as I will make notes and in-fact be sorting them later.  I commit myself to stop attempting to disregard or take these moments of seeing and becoming equal-to myself for granted.

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to 'get lost' in denial by stopping the blame and projection - and by taking responsibility.

I commit myself to stop attempting to be an idea that I have of myself in my mind and allow myself to sort out and come to terms with who I actually have become - and from here, look at whether or not my ideal for myself is possible and practical then apply myself accordingly to either let go of the idea or realize it for myself.

I commit myself to be here, hearing, and seeing when and as I am in communication with others by when and as I see that I am going into my mind as the thoughts come up, I stop and breath.  I remind myself that I physically cannot hear when I am in my thoughts and that my ability to see what's being said is limited.  I continue breathing and remaining here - when the communication is written, I take a moment to make notes of what's coming up -- when it's one-on-one or in a group setting, I make a 'mental note' then I bring my attention and focus back to the people with me.

I commit myself to stop demanding and/or having expectations that others take responsibility for what they're doing or what they have done by when and as I become angry at what another is doing or has been doing, I stop and breath.  I realize that I am wanting them to take responsibility for something that I have yet faced and/or taken responsibility myself for.  Further, I realize that they probably aren't aware of what they are doing as they do not have the tools and support to sort these things out like I do.  So, instead of going into anger and blame, I forgive and within this, understand.  I realize that it doesn't make everything 'okay', however, I can better assist and support myself and others from a point of understanding rather than a point of reacting.

I commit myself to stop utilizing anger as a way to separate myself from others and instead utilize anger to bring these parts of myself back to myself.

I commit myself to stop the looooooooooong play-out patterns of taking things personal - and within this, stop going through the motions of coming up with words to justify my self-beliefs and self-definitions.  I allow myself to NOT speak if I am not yet able to communicate my own living words.

I commit myself to writing out a timeline of my childhood history and to walk myself through the points that are still triggering some reactions, self-conflict, and confusion that I have been facing recently.

I commit myself to stop attempting to shake things up and/or agitate people by when and as the urge comes up to start speaking or writing information and knowledge from the starting point of shocking people, trying to screw with them or get them to see things my way, I stop and breath.  I see that I have been the one that is shaken up and agitated - and that I have been attempting to make others be the same as to abdicate my responsibility.  I realize that if I am reacting in any way, that whatever I say or do isn't going to change anything or anyone's perspective on things. Instead of throwing a temper tantrum and trying to stir things up, I will focus on stabilizing myself, becoming equal-to these things that have gotten me all wound up, changing how I have been, becoming what I will be, and expressing myself from this position of stability and change.