Day 237 - The Soul Mate Experience

I have been been one of the fortunate (or unfortunate haha) ones to have had a Soul Mate Experience in my life time.  It's awesome but it's not awesome at the same time which here can be seen the amount of energy that's generated from such an experience.

Let's be honest.

We go through our lives searching, wanting, needing and desiring 'The One'.  Not realizing nor questioning that there are lots of 'One's'.  I will expand on this.  But first, to the beginning of when I met my 'Soul Mate'.

He caught my attention.  There was something about him. The way he looked and the way he carried himself with a level of confidence that had not developed for myself at the time.  Who is this?? I mean, in a sea of fish, of potential, he stood out like this beacon that had me completely intrigued.  

The more I got to know him, the more I became fascinated with him.  To put it into perspective, he could simply be walking towards me with this physical presence that he had and I would experience this weakness ... this 'shut off' where my mind would become completely silent and all that I would see is him. I had a busy mind and for everything to go completely silent and to experience a drop with myself, a grounding plus an intense physical attraction, I knew something was going that I hadn't ever experienced before.

We became friends.  And the more I got to know him the more I saw that what he stood for and what was important to him were exactly what I had wanted for myself.  At the time, I had this idea that people were not meant to be monogamous - we did not have integrity, there was no such thing as commitment, and Forever was a pipe dream - why bother?  At the time, he stood as the point of integrity, commitment and forever in his words, the way he was expressing himself and the thoughts he was sharing with me about the situations in his life.  I began to question my ideas.  Is it really possible to be with just The One?  Combine a strong personality - seriously, no fucks given, this is who he was, with a physical attraction. I was done. 

FYA, I see it:  Physical attraction, physical attraction, physical attraction.

He was the most physically attractive person on this planet to me in every way from his genetic composition to the way he carried and expressed himself - seriously, I was gone.  I have since learned how to not be moved by physical appearance but ... I cannot say that if I went back with my awareness now that I would have changed things in any way.  When it hits you, it hits you hard right? And the rainbows and butterflies cloud our entire perceptions.  He coined this by way and often reminds me to not go into 'rainbows and butterflies' .. it's his. Grateful, keeps me grounded.

I would also like to add a few things about the Soul Mate experience that I had.  First, I literally saw stars - it was this bubble that we were in back then where everything stopped and the Universe said YES - it was beautiful and intense to see reality bending, shaping, glowing and sparkling when we connected and we touched.  Second, he would talk to me when we were miles a part - I could hear him in myself - just like we were standing face-to-face.  And third, we had our own language based on other dialects that we had fleshed out to have a specific meaning - usually with humor and affection.  

We were together for 17 years.  We lived through a lot together.  We raised my daughter and we birthed another one together.

So the question, for me, at this point, is where is my standing on it? How have a grown from this? What have a realized? How do I move myself differently now?

My standing on it is that people come and go from our lives - some longer, some shorter based on what's needed, self-honestly for us to develop and grow in a way a way that we know that we need to that we wouldn't have otherwise been able to do on our own.  

In terms of growth, I have learned the difference between 'ideas' of what a partnership is - we're constantly bombarded with this shit of the way we're supposed to be.  It's everywhere from TV series, news articles, religion, education and all of the other external influences that tell us 'this is how to have a satisfying life'  (or it was back then -- I have been seeing things changing over the past few years). Where what's not considered within this is being aware of what we actually need/want - what's important and what makes us truly satisfied.  

My growth is my self-honesty:  this is what I really need in  a partner - when I was younger, it was harder to discern.  For you young ones, I tooooootallly get it. Haha.

I have realized - Real Eyes'd - that what I am seeing and/or experiencing doesn't have to move me. To make decisions on what I will allow to move me or what I will move myself within.  I take most things into me slow - observe myself, my reactions/responses like an outsider, someone looking in from in a distance and ask myself questions - what's going on here? What is this? Does this work for me? Am I in rainbows and butterflies? Can I grow from this? How does everyone benefit from this? Will I become stronger?

Day 236: Looking In the Mirror

So.  You're a good looking person.  "Nice to the eyes", and all.  You've got charisma in spades and the world is yours for the taking.  What do you do?

You look in the mirror.

I look in the mirror.

And ask, "Am I okay with me?"

Despite whatever hypnotic state I have been with myself based on my physical features, the external feedback that supports my self-hypnosis and my ego conquests I may have attainted.  

Really.  That is the question. Can I live with myself? 

For me, the mirror has become dual purpose - one for having fun with how I look everyday and second, doing a self-check. The most important is my self-check - am I okay with me?

There have been SOOOO many times where I just shake my head in disbelief at what I have done and moved through the consequences of these decisions to the best of my ability.  OMG, the stories I could tell (but I likely won't).

All the while, though, I have my self-honesty and been in a constant state of adjustment. Learning to listen to myself and respond, to the best of my ability at the time.

What it comes down to ... every day. Is the question:  Am I satisfied with myself? Have I lived today with no regrets? If not, how can I make it so I have no regrets tomorrow?  Did I make the best of my time here?  If not, what is it that I can do the next time?

It's an intimate process.

Day 235: Confidence

 Confidence. CONfindence.

This is a word that continually comes up in my life.  This blog is about getting this out of the way.

Yes, it has a positive charge.  I mean, who doesn't want to express of Confidence?

Lemme tell you though.  It was a process to get here.

It started with a massive insecurity - I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm scared, that person is this and I'm this (comparison), and that constant voice in  the back of the mind that instills self-doubt.  You know the voice...

And then there's that moment of realization.  Holy fuck. This is all coming from me.  This is not external at all... and in that moment, everything changes.  You become a God.  And everything and everyone here is a part of your playground.

I Own This.

For me, specifically, comes a curiosity within in it. Because when I let go of myself, my mind, my self-doubts, I have become intensely curious about others.  Who are you? What do you do? What do you need? What do you want? How do you see things? Talk to me...

Here's the con in Confidence.

Who/what I am doesn't matter. It's gone (to a certain extent).  It's all about everything outside of myself. It's I Am Here.  How many people can you count on your hand that are here? Hearing you?

So, yah, it's a small part to stand in but it's mine.

Not giving a fuck in terms of realizing that thoughts are just thoughts but giving a fuck at the same time within realizing that every one and everything is a part of me that I want to know.

And every one person that I have come to hear and take the time to get to know is a part of me.

You want to be Confident? Don't give a fuck about yourself.  Thought are just thoughts.  Be present.  FILL YOUR BODY with you and take it all in, be curious, and give a fuck about others.  

Ask yourself questions.

Which leads me into the next.  

When you look into the mirror are you satisfied with you?