Day 205: How I Become Hard and Uncaring - Self-Forgiveness

In this blog I'm writing self-forgiveness for points and realizations that came up about myself during an experience while in an experience of becoming hard and uncaring toward another that was sharing themselves as well as some possible relevant information about the dark side of the entertainment industry and the world -- Day 204: How I Became Hard and Uncaring

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not, in a moment of opportunity to educate myself, see and realize how I am making information look massive, innumerable, too big, or too time consuming to sort.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to process new information in my mind rather than writing out the points that I am seeing and/or are being presented.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be uncomfortable with and thus separate myself from what I am hearing and within this, allow myself to to go into my thoughts with my beliefs, judgments and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then, when I go into my thoughts with my beliefs, judgments, and insecurities, tell myself that the beliefs, judgments and insecurities coming up are Not Me or are not Who I Am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the fears, thoughts, beliefs, judgments, insecurities, and self-definitions that come up when I am working on something new and/or am in communication with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the emotions and feelings that come up when and as I have gone into reactions.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my emotions and feelings by telling myself that I do not have time or that I will get to it later - instead of directing myself to make a note of it so that I can sort through what's coming up when I do have the time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in denial - where, because when I have been in this denial of the truth of myself and trying to force myself to be someone that I'm not, I have gotten lost in not knowing who I really am or what I could be doing that is best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fears, thoughts, beliefs, judgments, and insecurities onto others - as if they belong to someone else and not to me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to separate myself from my fears, thoughts, beliefs, judgments and insecurities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to suppress thoughts like, "It's because of them that I am this way, " or, "It's because of them that the world is the way it is," instead of self-forgiving myself when and as these thoughts come up - regardless of whether or not I'm aware they are are bullshit - and take responsibility for them just the same.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to remind myself that when I am in my mind and in my thoughts, that I can not hear what's going on outside of me.  And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that being in my mind and my thoughts is the very same reason why I have not been able to see.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry with another and demand in my mind that they must take responsibility for what they have done - rather than taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed, letting go of the anger, and allowing myself to see/hear what another is saying/writing/showing.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize anger as a means to keep myself separate from others and to not allow myself to get to know them, understand them, be gentle with them, and care for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take what was shared and make it personal - and within this taking it personal and wanting it to stop, I went through words, phrases, quotes, beliefs, and self-definitions that I have stored as information and knowledge - not an expression of me, and attempted to express the knowledge and information as Being Who I Am.  Here, I forgot that: when I have been making things personal, reacting, and going into my Ego, that it has been impossible to express myself in a fluid, genuine way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the time to write out my childhood history and experiences, my real beliefs about myself, my conflicts with myself and my confusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to beliefs that I must shake things up in the world - that I must agitate things - and within this take prompts from what I can come up with in my mind from past experiences, information, and knowledge and attempt to change things in that way.  I realize that perhaps it works for some but it doesn't work for me.  I also realize realize that I am attempting to be/live out someone else's expression instead of allowing and trusting myself to be/live out my own.

Day 204: How I Become Hard and Uncaring

This past week, I had the opportunity to communicate with someone that works in the entertainment industry and is very famous.  The purpose of this discussion was to expose the dark side of this world and to show how celebrities are used, manipulated, abused and expected to participate in specific actions to ensure their success, their personal wealth, and for some, their survival and the survival of the people that they care about.  For themselves, they said this was a healing process - that they were breaking the rules - though, for them it was worth it to communicate with the people outside of the world that they exist in as it reminded them of a time when they were normal and the process assisted them to re-align themselves with their humanity.  They said that they were in a unique position of having a group of others around that protected them in a way.

For me, the things that I heard and was shown seem massive.  Like, there are an innumerable amount of points to be sorted out and directed. However, I see how I drive myself when researching new connections and within this, how I do not slow down and support myself with my process through writing - so obviously, I am processing most of this information in my mind which is going to make it seem too big and time consuming to sort through.

More importantly though, I must be self-honest and share that I went into this with some judgments and insecurities.  See, even though I was participating and reminding myself to be open to what was being said and to not make it personal, I saw all of these thoughts about myself running in the background - most (if not all) of which, I attempted to suppress with comforting words like, "This is not me coming through," or, "I am this way, not that that way," or "I am beyond seeing and experiencing myself like this ..."  

I was lost in denial.  So much in-fact that I was determined to show how the personal points that were coming up for me were not actually about me but about something else or something that someone was doing - who they are, how they got to who, what, and where they are, and how the system works.  

I eventually had become angry from all of this and found that I was wanting for this famous individual to take responsibility for what they had done, participated in, and perpetuated.  The consequence of my reactions, suppression, and projections is that my ability to hear and make a connection had been compromised.  I stopped communicating fluidly, I physically felt hardened, and my words became short and sharp.

My head started to hurt which is a flag-point that I use to show myself that I am too much in my thoughts and that I am not getting anywhere by trying to process or sort through what's going on.  For me, it's a reminder to stop participating with the thoughts until I am able to write.  So, the thoughts would come up and I would say, "No.  This is not getting me anywhere," and I then went about arranging myself some space and time to write in my personal journal as these were the points that kept coming up again and again and again - how I was taking this whole thing personal and attempting to pin it on someone or something else and trying to come up with words, phrases, quotes, beliefs, or self-definitions that would make it NOT about me.

I sat down with my journal and I wrote out every thought that was running rampant in mind.  These are some things that I have not wanted to face - childhood experiences, my real beliefs about myself, and how I have always allowed these experiences and beliefs to place me in conflict with myself, confuse, influence, and change who/what I am in any given moment.

Later, when I returned to the discussion and reviewed what had been shared, I saw so many points that I had missed as I was in my thoughts and then reacting. I see that I was fortunate that the entire discussion has been documented on a public platform on the internet - if it had not been, and I had been face-to-face, I would have missed an opportunity to fully understand the presenter and what was being presented.

I also found that when I was no longer in my thoughts nor on the defense in my Ego, that I was able to be more gentle, genuine, and caring.  So, points that I saw were important for me to make were well-received. From this,  I see that I also must stop giving in to this idea that I have to get into places and shake people up which is something that I have been doing for a long time with the belief that it works when in reality it does not.

Day 203: Equalizing Stability

Recently, I observed one individual threaten, bully, and attempt to diminish another. The one on the receiving end of this attack, saw that it was their responsibility to stand up, face, and speak out a response - apparently, it is a part of their culture to do so where if someone 'calls them out', it is expected that they answer the call.

I saw this action as being admirable and as something that we all could be developing for ourselves. 

However, as the situation unfolded I saw that the one on the receiving end saw themselves as safe from their attacker - they have money and they have placed themselves into the system in such a way that they have become something like 'untouchable'.  Which was a fascinating thing to witness - how one in an actual position of authority directs themselves when faced with conflict.

Unfortunately, the element that did not exist was understanding and care. See, because the responder had still taken it personally that they were being bullied, they reacted. And in this state of reaction, they began threatening with greater measure.

What I realized from this is that even though someone is in a position of authority, has standing, and seems to be doing great things in the world, does not make them an individual that will always handle others in a way that is best. To many, it may be an obvious point - for myself, I have had the tendency to look up to others that I have seen as having a strong presence, voice, and an unshakable belief of themselves - and within this ignoring or accepting the details and consequences of our individual actions and words.

I also see clearly how we are all the same in how we're dealing with things. How our family, our education, our culture, our positions of responsibility in the world and our individual experiences - regardless if these things are positive or negative - have not been changing how we systematically process and respond to each other and our external environment. 

In this case, we see the same exact programming playing out of seeing others as separate from ourselves, seeing how they are in the wrong, seeing how they are doing something to us, seeing that we must defend ourselves, our honor, and our self-definitions and within this recreating the exact same war between us that we're working on stopping outside of us.

Don't you see? That until we stop this programming by becoming people that actually understand and care for ourselves and each other, that these battles and wars will continue to manifest? So, you can invest all your time, your energy and your money into stopping the evil that exists in this world but in the end, it will have been all for nothing and probably go right back to the way that it was because while we were focusing on stabilizing our external world, we did not see what was required to be stabilized in our inner and inter worlds.

A solution would be to stop ourselves from reacting which is easier to do when we direct ourselves to see with understanding rather than seeing something as personal. Further, it would be best in the long-run to take a look at our cultures and the beliefs that have been entrained into us about how we should or should not handle ourselves and others. Is it truly beneficial to hold onto these things when we see throughout time that it improves nothing? That there is always a winner and a loser? Somone with power and someone without? Do we want to continue repeating patterns when we realize that patterns produce the same results?

In closing, I propose that if we do in-fact dedicate ourselves to changing and creating stability in this world, that we utilize equal resources to changing and stabilizing ourselves and each other.