Friday, December 5, 2014

Day 197: My Way

A point that has repeatedly resurfaced for me throughout time has been me seeing that things must be done 'my way'.  I have seen myself going into this mindset with my children, my other family members, my partnership with my husband, my friends, my career, how I have lived leadership roles, how I work in the system, my education process, and day-to-day living like paying bills and how the house is cleaned.   In my mind, in order for things to be perfect, these things must be done 'just so'.

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When I have seen reality - when I have seen that I cannot make others do things my way - I have attempted to give up on others, myself, my ideas, my beliefs, and my known way of doing things. However, because my ideas and beliefs about what's best have still existed within me as memories, experiences, and physical ways of doing things that 'work' for me over time, I have never really ever been able give up my ideas, beliefs and ways of doing things - nor have I ever been able to give up on myself and others.

I realize that this giving up never lasts which indicates to me that it's an energetic experience which is not real and then on the other-hand, this having to do things 'my way' is quite real because it is my pre-programming, I have accepted the imprinting of others' words and behaviors, and I have also allowed it to become a part of me because of my utilization of my pre-programming, my participation with the illusions I've created in my mind, and my acting out what I have seen in others when they have gotten things done 'their way'.

As I look at the point, I see that this point exists within all of us - our need for our beliefs to be right and our desire to have our ideas be perfect. So, perhaps I'm not only facing a personal or a interpersonal problem but also an existential predicament.

Because we are physically and mentally separate from each other, we have the tendency to make ourselves the center of existence - we alone live and breath with ourselves day-after-day-after-day.  We may share ourselves and our physical space with others but when it comes down to it, we always only have ourselves within and as us.  Pair that isolation with a mind that records our personal experiences, functions in a constant state of self-preservation and survival, and maintains it's existence by utilizing that energy generated when one gets one own way or not, and our ability to see, be aware of and consider others, beliefs, ideas, and ways of doing things is impaired.

Further, when another challenges, opposes, or is not in agreement with our beliefs, ideas, and ways of doing things, we can become quite nasty because these are points that we have defined ourselves by, have been living out, and see as who we are - and who we are is what we choose in our own way - and in that respect, is perfect.  And being Perfect As You Are is just another idea that's thickly layered on and around our existing ideas and beliefs to keep them and ourselves in place.

Another dimension I have seen is having to do with insecurity.  I recently listened to a discussion entitled Insecurity: Going Deeper: Introduction - Atlanteans – Part 248 on Eqafe which assisted me to see where and why I created this fear of being wrong or doing something wrong and how my insecurity has been triggered when I have been faced with something where there is a potential for me to mess it up or to get in trouble somehow.

And today, I listened to Everything Must Be Just So - Life Review which opened my eyes up to how I have been attempting to control others and how things go as to avoid insecurity and avoid going into something that is unpredictable, is outside of my comfort zone, is challenging, looks overwhelming or may change something in some way.

Which brings me to the fear of the unknown - the things I don't understand, the things I can not predict the outcome of, and the things that I simply have not known what to do with because I have not familiarized myself with these things and haven't known what to do with or about them.  This is where I have had the tendency to react and to handle these unpredictable things with emotions.

Being emotional hasn't improved my situation much - and even if I did somehow manage get out of not facing a point that I'm not comfortable with by having a tempter tantrum, convincing myself and others that I'm not capable of dealing with the thing, or going into doing these things 'my way', I have not challenged myself to be able to handle whatever life brings and so I have not allowed myself to accept and participate with life.

After investigating all of this, I see that the solution is to breath and not react - and perfect this.  I also see that it's an absolute must to participate with life by understanding, problem-solving, and directing the things that are new, unfamiliar, or seemingly beyond my ability to control.

More to come.

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