Day 188: A Weak Spot Exposed

Jess Kubacik Art
http://jesskubacik.com/

Awhile back, someone asked me a question about something that I am responsible for that I see that I'm not directing effectively.  When I was asked the question, I immediately experienced discomfort - I did not want to answer the question because I was aware that I was taking the question personally.  In my mind I worked it out that if I answered the question - no matter if the answer was positive or negative - that the situation would work itself out fine because I have this belief that the person asking this question is a caring sort of person.  

I then answered the question directly and honestly.  The other person, upon hearing my answer, expressed mild-shock and then frowned.  Which, again, I took personal and experienced guilt and self-disappointment that I was not able to effectively demonstrate being responsible for a point.

From this state of guilt and self-disappointment, I quickly went on the defense and into my Ego where I made myself angry with backchat about what a bad person this other person is for judging, criticizing, and not being the caring person that they should be - I told myself that this person should be ashamed of themselves - among other nasty things in my secret mind where I planned my revenge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience discomfort when and as I am asked questions that I have defined as personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a question that someone outside of me is asking and make it personal because the question exposed a weak spot within and as me - an area of my living that I have not yet been effective at directing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to see me in a positive way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others seeing me in a negative way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged negatively by someone that I want to be a caring person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cast another into the role of a 'caring person' where, when the other person was not able to be what I wanted them to be, I experienced mild shock and disappointment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to answer a question while in a state of reaction and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that responding while in a state of reaction will work out - which, it never does.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that the reactions I'm seeing in others are actually my own reactions being mirrored back at me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience guilt and disappointment with myself and within this, allow myself to go into guilt and self-disappointment rather than ask myself: how can I more effectively direct this point that I responsible for?

I forgive myself that I accept and allow myself to go on the defense and into my Ego with my personalities and have secret conversations with myself where I am always in the right, that I'm doing the best I can, and that either I can't change or I don't have to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nasty, backchat, and plan my revenge against others all because I do not want to put in the effort required to make changes that will assist me to be more effective with a point that I am responsible for.

I commit myself to use discomfort as assistance and support by when and as I experience the discomfort, to not go into reaction and instead use that moment of discomfort to see where I am not being effective, where I am not standing, and where I am not living up to my utmost potential.

I commit myself to stop making uncomfortable interactions a personal attack by when and as points come up that I see as a weakness reflected back to me from my external environment, to stop, breath, and do not allow myself to go into paranoia, fear, and my ego because a part of me that I am uncomfortable with is being exposed.  So, within this, I commit myself to, in such moments like this when my weaknesses are exposed to change my perspective and allow myself to instead investigate and try out various ways of changing the point until I am standing clear with the point.

I commit myself to stop desiring for others to see me in a positive way and I also commit myself to stopping myself from fearing others seeing me negatively by when and as I see myself desiring for others to see me in a positive way because I fear others seeing me negatively, I stop and breath.  I remind myself of my commitment to myself to no longer accept and allow myself to use others to feel better or worse about myself.  I remind myself of my self-agreement to communicate with myself and to bring back to myself these positive and negative experiences of myself that I am attempting to project upon others.

I commit myself to stop going into shock and disappointment when others do not respond in a way that I hope, belief, imagine and/or expect them too.  And I commit myself to stop attempting to force others into these character roles that I create for me and where I am apparently lacking because I don't want to change and create myself as these roles in a way that is ALL WAYS best.

I commit myself to stop allowing myself to become nasty, spiteful, and revengeful by when and as I feel that fear and anxiety building within me to breath and stop.  I remind myself to not go into this fear and anxiety as this leads to the same place time-and-time-again where I go into my Ego, I show myself how I am right and everything/everyone else is wrong, and then go about showing it to the world - which, never works out how I imagine it working out (in my favor) in my mind.

Day 187: I'm Awesome. I Don't Have To Change.

In this entry, I'm looking at how and why I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by the talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities that I have developed over time. This is a continuation of Day 185: Proving Myself to the World where I first opened up the point with writing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself define myself by my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities to such an extent that if I see that the external world does not agree with nor recognize my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities - and within this, see my value - I tell myself that all that I am, all that I've done, and all that I can do, is wasted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on others to see me, see what I can do, see my potential, see my as valuable, and want to make an investment in me.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this whole scenario backwards - where I  make it about what others can see and do for me rather than what I can see and do for myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience like this drop of self, like this loss of self when and as I tell myself that all that my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities are wasted.

Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I do not use my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities, that I will lose them and they will be gone forever.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect my talents, skills, experiences, and physical abilities to who I am and within this, not seeing the consequence of my mistake where at any moment, if my belief or illusion of myself of being a talented, skilled, experienced, and physically able person is challenged, disproved, ignored, or disregarded by myself via self-judgment or others - perceived or otherwise - I become disconnected from myself and then go into negative energetic experiences like sadness, loneliness, mourning, and depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek out a positive energetic experience when and as I am in these negative emotional states of sadness, loneliness, mourning, and depression and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a positive energetic experience when and as I see the opportunity to do so - and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to support me to feel better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to recognize me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to make me and my self-definitions real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build up and go into an energetic high when I am able to get external recognition.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the energetic high of recognition where I must have it again, and again, and again.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that when and as I am needing, wanting, desiring, looking-for recognition of my talents, skills, experiences and physical abilities from my external world that this is a clear indication that I am not actually living up to my potential and that I am in-fact aware that I'm not living up to my potential because if I were, I wouldn't be looking outside of myself for validation.  It's like saying, "Hey so-and-so sees that I am awesome so that means that I don't have to change or improve on what I'm doing."

Again, laziness!

I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to define myself by my positive past experiences or the things that I'm particularly good at by when and as I see myself going into the achievements of my past as a way to feel better about and/or justify me not moving here at this moment to challenge myself to develop new talents, new skills, and new abilities, I stop and breath.  I remind myself that everything that I have developed for myself in the past is because I worked at it over-and-over-again until I was satisfied with my performance and this is how I now apply myself to develop myself in other ways.

I commit myself to stop using others feedback as an excuse, justification, and/or reason for not pushing myself beyond where I am in my process at any given moment and within this, I commit myself to stop being lazy, to stop taking the easy road, and to stop trying to get through this life with as little effort as possible by when and as I see that I am limiting myself based on what I can do or what I have done successfully in the past, I stop and breath. Instead of going into my comfort-zone of laziness, complacency and mediocrity, I challenge myself to push myself and to give myself the time, patience, and physical practice required to become skilled at new things.

Day 186: It's Not MY Decision

In this blog I am continuing with the belief that my external world has authority over me and why I have accepted and allowed this authority.  From the previous day, Day 185: Proving Myself to the World, I am working with the following writing:

"In my mind, I show myself that others around me - those who I see in positions of authority over me or those that actually have the physical ability to promote me and have influence on the direction of my living, must demonstrate a recognition of my work and my potential."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my external world has authority over me where I created this belief that the external world - my environment and the beings in it - decide who, what and where I am in the system, regardless of my consent.

I forgive myself that have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that because of this belief that my external world has authority over me, I am deliberately abdicating my ability to direct who, what, and where I am in the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on my external world - the environment and the people in it - to always direct me - to tell me who to be, where to be, and what I could be.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to stand on my own and put in the time, the research, and the actual physical footwork to explore and expand my potential where I actually consider, put into physical action, and move myself to bring about what it is that would give me the greatest satisfaction with myself and the one life here on Earth that I have been given.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the easy road - the road most traveled, the road most worn down, and the road that I can go into automation on and simply follow the other traffic - because I know this road, it's my comfort zone, it's predictable, it takes very little effort if any effort at all to navigate and when the traffic I'm following makes a mistake, I can blame the traffic, those that have traveled before me, or the one leading at the front of the traffic, for making my travel experience inconvenient or problematic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to control and force others to make decisions for me and within this, expect that they make my life satisfactory and enjoyable for me.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how I deliberately place my external world and the beings within it as an authority over me so that I do not have to do the work required to be my own authority nor do I have to take responsibility when something goes wrong, when something unexpected comes up, or I don't like the result of a decision or event.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my external world and the beings in it when and as something comes up that I don't like - just because I wasn't a part of deciding or directing how something would go.  I say, "I would have done it this way ..." or "It should have gone this way ..." and say that it is 'their fault'.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to ask myself the question: Why have I done nothing?

I mean, if the beings and things happening in my external world are 'so wrong, so irresponsible, and so uncaring', why do I give any part of it authority over me?  Why would I NOT stand up, make a decision, commit myself to it, and create my own life for myself?

The bottom line: I have been lazy and I have not only programmed that laziness into me but I have also deliberately made the decision to continue to be lazy despite the MANY opportunities to change my ways because it's easy, it's safe, and it's the neutral zone.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I have given something or someone authority over me - as having the ability to direct, move, and change me without my consent - I stop, breath, and remind myself that I have actually given my full consent by my acceptance of external authority and my denial of self-responsibility, self-movement, and self-direction.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am expecting or attempt to force others to make a decision for me so that I do not have to, I stop, I breath, and I use the tools that I have available for making practical, common sense decisions for myself.

I commit myself to when and as I see something happening that I don't like or don't agree with and within this, trying to place blame on others because I was not a part of the decision process that lead to the event, I stop, breath, and ask myself, "Why have I done nothing to change this? What are some possible solutions if this were to come up again?"

I commit myself to STOP being lazy by not waiting for opportunities to come my way but to instead step out of my comfort zone and stop always taking the road most traveled.  I commit myself to allow myself to explore the world and see what I can do and to STOP limiting myself because I'm so set in my lazy ways.

I will continue next with how I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself by my talents, skills, experiences, and the physical abilities that have developed.

Day 185: Proving Myself to the World

I want to prove myself.

I want those around me to recognize my talents, skills, experience and knowledge.

I want others to recognize my 'life's work', my hard work - my labor.

In my mind, I show myself that others around me - those who I see in positions of authority over me or those that actually have the physical ability to promote me and have influence on the direction of my living, must demonstrate a recognition of my work and my potential.  Additionally, if my talent and ability isn't recognized, I experience a loss of self - like, that part of myself, my time, my labor, and my history is lost and wasted.

I fear losing that part of myself that I defined as 'someone' with 'talent in the system' because holding on to this definition of myself as a talented, skilled, experienced, and knowledgeable person, creates a positive experience for myself.  I fear losing the good about myself, what I do, and what I have done.  So, when others do not recognize my talents, my skills, my abilities, and my achievements, it's as if all that I was and all that I did is lost or never existed at all.

Within this, I become sad and go into self-pity as I tell myself that my life and my potential is lost.  In an attempt to escape the depression, I will go into my imagination where I work out how to get what I want from others whether it's telling others what I can do, showing anyone that is willing to watch what it is that I can do, acting faster, and/or competing with others as to make myself stand out, to get attention, or to 'look better' then my fellow human beings.  It is as though I am acting out the words: See me! See me!  I was here first! I am so much better than the other person.

As I've walked this point of desiring recognition from others, I've come to realize that I am communicating with myself about what I want from ME where it is time to recognize for myself what I have done and what I could do - it's time to discard the beliefs and ideas that I've created, defined, and designed for and as myself and get into the unexplored areas of myself that I have been denying myself access to because I have been limiting myself with beliefs about myself and who/what I was and what I have accomplished - as if, that is all that I am or will ever be just because I'm good at it and because being 'good at it' gives me a positive energetic experience.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need, desire, and within these, drive myself to receive attention, recognition, and approval from my external world.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see that me wanting to receive attention, recognition, and approval from my external world was me actually wanting to receive attention, recognition, and approval from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to over-and-over-and-over again - constantly - depend on others to recognize me because I would not give recognition to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe - via my constant and continuous application of this belief, program it into the actual physical fabric of my beingness and my body - that attention, recognition, and approval isn't real unless it is received in constant and continuous affirmation from external sources.

I commit myself to when and as I see that I am in want, need, desire to receive attention, recognition, and approval from an external source and within this, see myself driving myself to get attention, recognition and approval from an external source, I stop, breath, and remind myself to 'bring it back to self' - and within this, give myself attention, recognize myself, be aware of myself and what I am doing, and make adjustments to what I am doing that will assist and support me to work and live my utmost potential.

I commit myself to over-and-over-and-over again, bringing points that I attempt to project on others back to myself and within this constant and continuous application of 'bringing it back to self', integrate self-awareness into my nature and my physical 'fabric', as to no longer accept, allow, nor require others to stand as points of attention, recognition, and approval for me.

In the next post I will continue with my belief that my external world has authority over me.