Friday, November 22, 2019

Day 231: Secrecy, Hiding and Redefining My Blog

It has been almost 3 years since my last sharing of my self in a blog.  Within that 3-year time, I have separated from a relationship, reconciled, separated again, started a 'new' relationship, divorced, and then recently broken off the 'new' relationship.  I bring up the relationship points first as those are the one's that I have found have had the most profound impact on my process of self-awareness and my relationship with myself.  I have died a few times ... I have lost or let go of parts of myself that have been creating delusion and illusion.  It has been a painful process of releasing my self-definitions, the personalities that I had created while in the relationships, and adjusting to the quiet and empty spaces that were once occupied by someone else that is no longer with me.

An in-common point that has continued to come up in my relationships has been betrayal of trust, secrecy, hiding, and keeping things personal.  When bringing this back to myself, I saw how I had been doing the exact same thing - keeping my process personal, not wanting to share the details of my life, having the idea that I shouldn't have to and that it's my life, my business.  And there were the fears that came up as well ... the fear of judgement and how I had been allowing the perceptions, opinions, and ideas about me to hold myself back from communicating myself, my life and my decisions.  Within this as well, my own judgments of others, my perceptions, my opinions, my energetic reactions, my backchat, my justifications, and how I change the way I move myself when deciding to separate myself from others.

To put things into perspective, I have several years of notebooks that contain my writing, my research of self-understanding, my self-forgiveness, my self-correction, and my redefining.  Over the past 3 years specifically, I have reasoned to myself that my hand-writing in my notebooks has been a more intimate process with my self-communication ...  keeping it personal with myself and only sharing from time-to-time when the opportunities to share or support come up.  It has also been convenient for me - I keep a notebook with me to jot down points and to write in before I go to bed at night.  It is has been my 'comfort zone' - I come from a generation in the education system where most everything was done in hand-writing and final drafts were submitted in type. 

Years of notebooks full of my personal process of self-awareness and self-perfecting

When exploring the common point of secrecy, hiding, and keeping things personal or 'none of other's business' that continues to come up in my relationships, what immediately came up for me is that I haven't been sharing myself, my writing, my realizations, my process, and the details of my life in blog or with most everyone, really.  I have mostly been communicating with myself, whomever I am in a relationship with, or a select few people in my circle of family of friends - and even then I have only been sharing bits and pieces.  It became clear that sharing myself intimately, here, in my blog, is one way for me to step out of the secrets, hiding, and keeping this personal that continues to come up.  Be the change that I want to see.

From here, I commit myself to sharing myself here on my blog with others.  I commit myself to sharing myself openly, genuinely, intimately, and to work on / work through the points of judgment that come up rather than allowing them to hold me back from communicating.

My Blog = B - Log, Be Log.
My Be Log = A place to share and LOG/document MY self, my writing, MY self-forgiveness, MY realizations, MY life, MY problems and MY solutions that I walk/work-on/move-through as me BEing here. 

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