Day 219: Betrayed - Understanding: Q&A

So, my questions have been: How could this happen?  How could someone that I trust do something that I see as damaging and highly consequential? And why did they not consider me and the life we built together - doesn't all of that time and work on the relationship mean something?

As I have been answering these questions over the past few days, some things have become clear.  First, what has happened was not personal.  Second, for many of us, the world is like an all access buffet that's a click or a message away - in fact, I have found that it takes a great amount of willpower to refrain from indulging.  Myself, I have principles that assist with my decision making process but for the many, this is not the case.  And without these principles - respect, honor, and integrity - it is very easy to go from one self-interest to another and not consider the consequences or the ripples that are being created.  Third, in regards to interests of a sexual nature, we get turned on - like a switch, and in that moment have the tendency to make decisions that we might not have made if we were in our 'right mind'.

My answers to my questions are thus:
This happens because it happens.  Again, it had nothing to do with me on a personal level.  It was something this person did because it may have been fun, exciting, or felt good at the time.  And in a world where things are shit, it's understandable how another would want that moment of feeling better about themselves.  Obviously, it is no way a permanent solution but it is understandable.

I have had the tendency to make moral judgment calls. For myself, I have utilized consequence or potential consequence as a way to keep myself in-check.  What I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand is that I cannot hold others to my way of doing things - what is clear to me may not be so clear to another.  And the truth of the matter is that I have done some things that aren't what's best and fell many times before deciding for myself what works for me, what doesn't work for me, what I can live with, and what I cannot live with - if I had not been allowed to make mistakes, I would not be where I am today.

In other words: we have to allow each other to make mistakes, be there as a point of support if possible, and not hold it against them.

Many times I have been in a similar situation as the person that I had placed my trust in - even as I have been working on answering these questions, a very similar scenario has played out for me.  And I can say that when I'm in it, when I'm engaged, when I'm having fun, when my curiosity is getting peaked and satiated, and my mind is getting stimulated by an external source, that I am not considering the life I have built with another and I'm not focused on the work on the relationship that has or must be done. In fact, the relationship does not influence my experience much at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to separate myself from what another is living out - as if it doesn't exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that my attempted separation from another and what they are living is a form of control - trying to control them and myself with a morality system that I have created from a fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a decision that someone else made and make it personal and within this, see this as something that had been done to me instead of actually personalizing it for myself - getting to know the decision and how I have/could have made the same decision myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to allow myself moments of fun, excitement, and physically feeling good because of beliefs, ideas, my morality system, fear, and not trusting myself - within this, not seeing, realizing, nor understanding how I am betraying myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world that is shit and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that myself and others should be wallowing in this shit and not taking moments to take a break from the shit.  We are the ones that will be cleaning up our shit so it's going no where - the point here is to trust oneself to go back to cleaning up the shit.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more focused on other people's landfill of shit moreso than my own.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that others are actually in a bigger pile of shit than myself because they have not yet realized how to clean up their shit.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to come to terms with the fact that for myself and some others in a fortunate position in life, that there is everything and anything that we're interested in exploring in the world and at our fingertips - but I have been unclear on the point and instead if clearing it up for myself without fear and with self-honesty, self-trust, and self-responsibility, I have been denying, suppressing, judging and punishing those parts of myself because I have had the belief that I shouldn't be like this or that I shouldn't be able to do the things that I'm able to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize consequence and potential consequential play-outs as a way to keep myself and others in check.  I haven't seen, realized, nor understood how by doing this, I am creating even more consequence. The question is for myself: can I live with these consequences I'm creating or can I not live with them?  And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have it in mind that all others should be asking themselves the same question as a way to keep themselves in-check so that I don't have to face the reality of this world and my relationship with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear my principles like a Badge of Morality, a show of greatness, and a demonstration of my will - as if it sets me a part and makes me better than those who don't share the same principles.   And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how making my principles a religion creates an even shittier experience for those who don't share the principles - especially when I am preaching them instead of living them and really getting into opening them up for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to externalize the principles that I'm aligning myself with - seeing them as my savior, greater than, or something I must obtain for myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to investigate, explore, and open up what I like, why I like it, and how these things have been able to influence me or change me in a moment - where one moment, I am aware and the next moment, I am somewhere else that is not here and considering all things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself.  I mean, as I have been walking these points this past  week - this is what has become very clear - that I have been suppressing myself with the belief that there is something wrong with how I would like to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my suppression of others in my external world is a reflection of my suppressing myself internally.

I commit myself to stop separating myself from what others are experiencing or living out for themselves by when and as the thoughts come up of, "That is so wrong ... how could they do that? That is highly consequential ... and why are they considering me and everyone else?" I stop and breath.  I remind myself of where I was in my mind when in similar living situations - that I was in a moment and not considering the consequences, how it may effect others, or the ripples it may cause. In fact, I had worked it out in my mind how everything that I was doing and all the decisions that I was making were fine and everything would work out just fine.  So, here, to remind myself that we have all been equally corrupt and for myself, personally, I have made the decision to stop the corruption with the tools I have available and to no longer expect, dictate, and demand that others walk the same path that I have chosen for myself.

Within this, I commit myself to stop attempting to control how others are living via separation by when and as the points come up that I see are wrong or even unforgivable, I stop, I breath, and I bring this point that's coming up back to myself and look at is self-honestly.  I ask myself, "Who am I within this? Why am I telling myself this is wrong? Why have I been telling myself that I cannot live out the same? Why have I been denying that this is separate from me? What am I afraid of?"  In this particular case, with the 'unforgivable', I forgive myself, stop being my jailer, let go, and allow myself to explore the unexplored about myself.

I commit myself to stop taking other's life decisions as a personal or intentional attack.  I realize that it's my ego stepping in to keep me from connecting with me - who I have accepted and allowed myself to become - so that I do not have the opportunity to sort through it, release myself, and be the creator of myself. So, when and as I see myself taking others life decisions personally or seeing them as an attack, I stop and breath. I redirect myself to applying the point to myself and coming to terms with it as it exists within and as myself as my mind where I have defined myself.  I release myself from these points with self-forgiveness and then see what comes up for new ways of seeing and understanding things and go from there - sans ego.

I commit myself to no longer allow my ideas, beliefs and/or morality system to influence my ability to enjoy the things in life or whether or not I will have fun and play around with what is here and available to me.  When and as I see these thoughts and judgments come up or I see myself going 'on-guard' in my mind, I stop, breath, and let go.  I allow myself to present and get into whatever is that I'm doing at the moment without fear or judgment.  Further, I will write out for myself the things that I enjoy so that I can integrate those things into my life for myself.

I commit myself to stop betraying myself with lies and stories about who or what I am by when and as I see myself going into my mind about myself and have a dialogue with myself or imagine a dialogue between myself and others about me, I stop and breath.  I remind myself that I am storytelling - and do something like sing, "Storrrrrrrries! Making up stories!" lolol - here, I stop trying to convince myself and others that I'm something special, unique, different, or better than how I actually have been seeing myself in relation to the things coming up that I have defined as negative, wrong, or undesirable.

I commit myself to show that: Yes, the world is shit and yes we created this landfill of shit - however, it is only ourselves that can clean up our shithole mess so obviously, this is going to take some work.  We work, we take breaks, sometimes a vacation, and then we go back to work.  It is not for us to decide how another cleans up their shit or if they do it all - what has substance is what we do for ourselves.  So when the time comes that I meet my maker - The Earth, when I'm dead in the ground, I can say that I did not give into complacency and did not leave pile of shit to add to the already existing piles of shit that were already here. Instead, I will be able to show myself where I have utilized the shit as fertilizer to grow life - an expression without the limitations of a mind.

I commit myself to utilize my being in a fortunate position in this world to be a happy, healthy, educated, and stable human being - and in doing so, nurture and support any means necessary to make sure that ALL can have the same equally.  I commit myself to using my education, my talents, and the skills I have developed to planting seeds of life in all this shit so that we can all get to being happy, healthy, stable, and have equal access to realizing our potential via education.  I realize that I don't need to beat myself up about this anymore as long as I am doing something about it - then, I'm cool with myself.

I commit myself to stop myself from keeping myself and others 'in-check' from a point of fear.  Here, I commit myself to slowing myself down when in communication with myself and others so that I can see what's coming up for movement within me as thoughts and physical reactions.  Is what's coming up clear or am I grasping at straws for something to say to try to control the situation?  Am I expressing in a moment of understanding or am I searching my data for beliefs, ideas, stories, or words to support my fears which fuel my drive to control?

I commit myself to stop wearing my principles as a Badge - as though they are superior or better than me and others by when and I see that I'm utilizing the principles for judgment and separation, I stop and breath. I realize here that I have often been hiding behind principles and using them to support my Ego rather than integrating them into my living. I will revisit the principles, cross-reference, see where I'm standing, and reassess/readjust as necessary.

I commit myself to open myself up to the possibilities and potentials for myself - I have seen that I have essentially been handed a 'Get Out Of Jail Free' Card - why hold onto it and stay in jail (with the same patterns) if I don't have to?  I say this is quite a gift.  And realistically speaking, it probably wouldn't have come about (at least not for a loooooong time) if I hadn't been faced with being betrayed. Does it suck? Yep. Does it hurt like a bitch? Oh yeah. Am I grateful? Totally.

Day 218: Betrayed

Discovering that someone is not who I thought they were - that they have been doing things for many years that are outside of our agreement and commitments has been a shock.  I placed my trust in this person and so placed myself in them.  As the lies have been unfolding, I have found that I have this experience of being destroyed - wasted.  When the thoughts come up about what I know and what I might not know, I have been reacting to them with this overwhelming sense of loss of self.  I think, "How could I have been so stupid?", "Why did they do this to me?", "I'm such a loser,", "They did this because I am not good enough for them,", "There is too much wrong with me physically - I am flawed," and "What am I going to do with myself now that I am like this?"

My world and the life that I built is falling apart - something that I did not see was possible for me as I saw myself as stronger than that, that I am beyond that, that I am the one one that would always be in control of me and my life - no matter what happened. I have had this belief that if I had myself that I could weather anything.

I have been fortunate to have an unlimited and unconditional amount of support in this process of my life falling apart.  Probably the best suggestion I was given was to breath - to hold the in-breath and realize - this is me, this is my life force, and I am still here, regardless of the external loss.  I have also been fortunate to have my child and my dog here and a friend suggested that I hug them when the emotions come up - this has assisted me to stay grounded and to not get lost in everything going on.  Seriously, I cannot imagine having to sort through this without that physical support from these two.

One of the most profound realizations I have had along the way is that the 'life' I built was actually an illusion that I created from fear of losing a relationship or who I was or wanted to be in the relationship.  I saw that in the beginning of the relationship that there was a part of myself that I really liked - but overtime, I was no longer able to connect with that self and so I was clinging to the memory of the 'way things used to be' in hopes that I could somehow get that experience of myself back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself as my trust to another.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself when things didn't 'add up', didn't make sense, or what I was seeing and what I was hearing was unaligned.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into self-doubt and to not listen to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into physical shock when faced with all of the delusions that I have allowed, accepted, perpetuated, and supported - and created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my delusions/illusions coming down as something bad or destructive - I realize that I saw the process in this way because I did not want to let go of the illusion and that I was in, I did not want to give up hope, I did not want to change, I did not want to let go, and I have had a paralyzing fear of the unknown - I mean, who/what/where would I be if I no longer had all of that?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and keep myself locked in to a way that of being that was perhaps not what was best from fear of loss of self and fear of the unknown.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the gift of betrayal - if the lie I was living had not been exposed and if I had not been faced with the extent that I had put my trust in something or someone outside of myself, I would still be living in a bubble of constant paranoia and self-doubt and making up stories to make myself 'okay' with all that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to the loss of my hopes and beliefs about myself, the loss of how I saw my life playing out, the loss of the future I had planned for myself, and the loss of who/what/where and with whom I would be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "How could I have been so stupid?" - and creating this self-judgement as an excuse to go into blame and self-victimization and thus justify and pave the way for me to go into despair, sadness, depression, and feeling bad for myself rather than breathing, remaining here, and seeing the situation in a self-honest and realistic way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, "How could they do this to me?" and giving myself over to this thought with negative experiences instead of seeing that blame and how I have been using the blame as a vehicle for allowing myself to be the victim instead of being the one here standing in awareness of how this blame and self-victimization is self-defeating and gets me no where.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that it is my strength, life force and commitment to creating a better life for myself that I will actually get me out of the mess I have created and ensure that I do not repeat the same mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the negative thought that "I am a loser" and to see this as me sucking at life and having very little value.  Instead of seeing that, yes, I am a 'loser' within the context that I have experienced a loss and it doesn't necessarily mean that something with wrong me and rather that I have some adjustments to make with my awareness, my self-relationship and how I direct myself externally physically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into the belief that I must not have been good enough for another and because of not being good enough is why I was betrayed - not seeing, realizing, considering, and understanding that it was not likely the best match - or it was at sometime and not anymore - we all meet up, are sometimes with each other for some time, and ultimately always move on.

Further, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into taking all of this personally and assuming that there is something wrong with me when something doesn't work out - I realize that I have been misinterpreting the information and the self-communication - having been connecting polarity definitions and meanings to what's coming up which has been clouding my ability to see clearly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into the thought/idea/belief that many of the issues that I face in my life are because there is something wrong with me physically and because I am flawed physically - and allowing and going into complacency with that rather than seeing where this stuff comes from and if it's actually relevant or changeable.  I mean, when I look at it now and see where these ideas come from and that they have come from fear, there's some comedy here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the thought, "What am I going to do now?" and within this, having a lost and insecure experience because I have been panicking in situations that aren't known, are unplanned, or are unpredictable.  Had I had been hearing myself instead of reacting and in fear, I would have heard myself clearly asking myself, "Okay. So. What AM I going to do? How will I be changing here? How will I be building a new life that's real and not fiction?"

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to place myself as trust in an external source and instead bringing trust back to myself by committing myself to a working relationship with self where I hear myself, stop doubting my ability to see, and stop doubting my awareness.  When and as questions and inconsistencies come up or I am seeing a pattern  that aligns with specific information that looks as though it requires adjustment, I stop and breath.  I let go of any energetic reactions, definitions, connections, and fears that I have attached to what is coming up and hear myself communicating with myself without the polarity.  I allow myself the space and time required to work it out for myself.  I realize that I do not have all of the answers, however, I commit myself to living a real life and not one that I have reasoned or contrived in my mind because I did not yet have the understanding or clear direction.  I will be patient with myself.

I commit myself to assist and support my physical body with not going into shock as I make a transition from my 'old life' and into a 'new life' by breathing, staying physical, and reminding myself that the life I am letting go of was only a really good story and my future that I had planned was a brilliant idea - mostly all of it was made up in my mind - conflicting, confusing, and trying to physically conform to the story I had made up.  It was a big CON. I allow myself to breath, let go, and walk into the unknown - here using the tools of writing and self-forgiveness to support me.

I commit myself to no longer allow the definitions I have connected to information to influence my ability to see clearly and communicate with myself without polarity by breathing, stopping, and redirecting myself to look beyond the meanings I have connected to what's coming up - here, I will say the words within myself as self - slowly, clearly, and with my sound - and take a look at what's being communicated and within awareness, decide how to respond.

I commit myself to stop going into all these thoughts that I have about myself in a negative, self-defeating way.  When and as the thoughts come up, I stop, breath, and center myself. I remind myself of my self-commitment to establish self-trust with self-communication and hear myself with sound stability.  Here, I commit myself to practice this stopping, breathing, sounding, hearing, and responding in awareness until it becomes me.