Day 214: The Gift of Sadness

My dog passed away last week. She'd been sick for about a month before we finally made the decision to let her go. In the end, she was in a lot of pain and could not move around. We made the best decision for her, though even making the best decision doesn't make not having the dog around easier. 

When we were at the vet having the procedure done, I looked over to the vet and she looked overcome with sadness. I was crying but at that moment I was grateful that we were able to do this for the dog - that we could relieve her of her pain. I said to the vet, "Why are you so sad? We're doing what is best for her." And she said, " I know ... But it doesn't make it any easier..." 

My dog not being here didn't 'hit me' until the next day - she was not here when I woke up, there was no dog to feed or go outside, no one watching my movements, and no one barking at the neighbors. I went about cleaning as the housework was set aside during the time I was nursing the dog - the hardest part was sweeping and vacuuming up the dog hair - I saw it as removing her and I didn't like that. I cried. I kept telling myself that I shouldn't be emotional - that I shouldn't be reacting to the the thoughts that came about her not being her anymore and the things we would no longer share together. I attempted to suppress the sadness and the crying which made the process physically painful. See, I had this idea that I should be beyond going into the thoughts and reactions - that I should be able to give myself what I got from my dog. Unfortunately, I wasn't there yet. It was an ideal - information and knowledge - an idea that wasn't yet realized.

Eventually, I gave up and allowed myself to be sad. I laid in bed, watched Netflix, slept and cried. I allowed myself to be aware that were weren't here together anymore, that I was lonely without her, that I could not give myself at this time what she had given me, and that I couldn't connect with another in the same way that I connected with her. I let it all come and I went into it. 

I had this belief that if I went into the sadness and responded to what was coming up for thoughts that I would be doing myself an injustice, that I would harm myself in some way, or that I would not come out of it and end up in a depression. This didn't happen though - and looking back I see that I hadn't yet trusted myself to be able to remember, to think about her, to see myself without her and be sad.

After about two days of being sad, I started to feel better - I again wanted to get up and be a part of everything again without my dog. I learned that I could trust myself to be sad and am on better terms with myself for giving this to myself.

This morning I was talking with a friend about sadness and he pointed that we are all sad - it is a part of all of us. He said that he's grateful for sadness. And you know, he's spot on. See, when I stopped denying sadness as being me and stopped attempting to separate myself from sadness - my sadness was supportive and assisted me to come to terms with the passing of my companion. 

Isn't it fascinating how we tell ourselves and each other that we shouldn't be sad? That we shouldn't be experiencing ourselves in this way? When all along it could be the best things for ourselves in the long-run? A gift we give ourselves when we require it the most. 

Day 213: Dark Side of Myself As A Leader

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as in possession of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say to myself, "They are mine."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to collect people.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the groups that I have been in as my collection of people - in my mind I see it as many people in my circle - and within that circle, now for me to control, take ownership of and direct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to see the confines that I place people in as a circle of defense. In my mind, the words repeat, "These are my people. Stay out. Stay away." And I see myself as a guard, constantly patrolling the perimeter, and keeping out anyone or anything that I don't see as worthy of 'my people'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to create an alternate reality for those whom I've 'collected' where I have attempted to physically manifest my idea of a perfect scenario - what I see as best for everyone. And having created this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend and protect my possessions - those that give life to the private little world that I've created from my ideas, beliefs, imaginations, and fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a panic when and as I have seen something or someone come in or attempt to come in from the area outside of the separation boundary that I have created - especially if it something or someone that I see myself as not being able to control and/or not be able to predict how the outside influence with effect things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become physically uncomfortable when and as someone or something is coming on to my territory in a way that I see as 'too comfortable' or 'too friendly' with what I have claimed as mine and after this, see and mark them as an enemy.

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel all of myself into my eyes and face where I 'narrow' self, like a bullet or a bulldog, with my neck and shoulders pulled forward - still, quiet and watching - then saying to myself or out-loud with a deep sound, "No. This is not allowed. I don't like this ..."

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be replaced if my people like the new individual more than me.  And as this fear, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go about making myself look better than the new individual where I will observe every move and listen to every word that the new individual makes and then map out their weaknesses in the event I see myself as having to manipulate opinion in my favor later.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make energetic emotional and feeling connections to others - if I had not done this, than I wouldn't have gone into the desire to possess and thus physically manifested the possession.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood how much more complicated I have made my life and the lives of others as a result of that initial energetic relationship connection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lead from the points of creating energetic relationships and then fearing losing those energetic relationships.  And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed leaders who participate in the same pattern of creating emotional and feeling relationship connections to people, fearing losing that connection that we have defined ourselves by, and then making an enemy out of anyone or anything that threatens to change those relationship connections.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how this similar play-out exists within and as all of us existentially.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and others as I have driven myself within my desire to manifest my ideas of what a perfect scenario is - unfortunately, my utopias have been created and managed from a starting point of separation and a backwards perspective about equality and oneness - they have only included a select few and not everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my vision and ideas about the way things could be. limit whom I share it with,  and also limit my potential as the one to lead the way because of my fear of making a mistake and losing it all. I realize that I must stop making emotional and feeling attachments to all of these for me to be able to open up, trust, and express myself.

Self-correction and self-commitment statements to follow.