In this blog I will be opening up the point of why I intentionally avoid allowing myself to focus on the redefinition process - which actually works into some points that I'm walking outside of this blog in relation to my learning process.
For context, see: Day 191: Measurable Force
Day 190: Changing My Starting Point In Process - Part 2
and Day 189: Changing My Starting Point In Process - Part 1
To expand on the point I have been facing with the redefinition process, I will share that this has been the part of my process that I have struggled with the most. In the beginning, when I was first learning about redefinition, I had not wanted to do it and I didn't see the relevance. After I had gotten through my first redefinition process I was so relieved that it was done and I did not want to go back to it. However, over time, I have seen more and more how this redefinition process is the way in which I am moving - that, as I let go of who/what I am that I in-turn must then define for myself who/what I will be. Also, I no longer wish for myself to be influenced or changed by words that I'm seeing or hearing and would for myself, like to decide on using and being words that are free from polarity, clear within the meaning, realistic, and livable.
In relation to learning, throughout my history I see that I have gone into resistance when I am learning new things and within this resistance, I have become impatient, frustrated, irritated, and angry because to me learning should not be as hard as I experience it as being. Additionally, because I have been able to learn with ease in the past depending on how material is presented or who is presenting it, I have often blamed others for me not getting something. And unfortunately here from this point of righteousness, I have acted out impulsively, aggressively and disrespectfully. Looking back, I see that I have been participating in this pattern since I was in 5th grade.
And recently, a friend assisted me to see how I attempt to control my learning process where I am aware of the quickest way for me to learn so I refuse to learn in any other way and within this I have become demanding and expecting things to go my way - as if an entire curriculum should be changed so that I do not have to work as hard. Which is what it comes down to: I have not wanted to apply myself to do the work because it requires that I slow myself down, sit still, focus, learn from others how to do certain things, and then be with myself as I do all of this.
So my questions to myself have been: what is it that is behind all of this being uncomfortable with myself and others when I am learning something new? Why do I feel the need to control the situation? Why can't I just simply let go and embrace this opportunity to redefine myself? Why do I continually separate myself from this?
As I have investigated the point with EQAFE interviews , getting perspectives from friends and taking a look at how I am while redefining and working on other things that are new to me, I see that my uncomfortableness, my need to control, my separation from learning, my reactions, and my resistance to applying new things are from a starting point of fear. Fear of making mistakes, getting it wrong, not being right and not being perfect.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the process of redefining words and myself as words. And within this, I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how I go into the same resistance when and as I am learning and applying new things.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see the relevance of the redefinition process and I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give into not wanting to see the relevance.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be self-honest with myself about the importance of redefining words and myself as living words and I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that redefining myself and myself as words is the direction that I am moving within my process.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how the redefining process supports me to no longer be influenced by words that I hear and see, to no longer get stuck in polarity, and is a tool that I can utilize to align my self integrity, honor, and respect and thus better hold myself accountable to myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient, frustrated, irritated, and angry when and as I am working with redefining words and I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see how I have become the same when and as I have been learning and/or applying most other things that are new to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me not 'getting it' when and as I have been been learning and/or applying something new and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this blame as an excuse, reason, or justification to not apply myself, to not try out different ways of learning, to give into resistance, and to walk away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that learning something new should be easy for me because in the past there have been things that I have had no problem learning, understanding, and applying. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto memories and also made-up ideas of myself being a 'fast learner' when in reality, the times that I have learned something 'fast' have been few and far between.
I commit myself to stop resisting the process of redefining words and myself as living words by when and as the I see myself becoming frustrated, impatient, irritated, and/or angry with myself and others, I stop and breath. I allow myself to see how I have allowed this pattern to influence my learning process throughout my history, I forgive my reactions that are coming up, I let go, and I embrace the opportunity to work with and redefine my words and myself as living words.
As an additional point of support within my commitment to stop resisting redefining words and learning in general, I commit myself to stop attempting to separate myself from physical discomfort where I will - when and as become physically uncomfortable while in the process of redefining, learning, and/or doing something in a new way, I stop, breath, and allow myself to remain within the discomfort - with myself as my physical body. Instead of going into my mind for escape and comfort, I practice staying here and taking responsibility for the consequences that I have accepted and allowed - the very same consequences that are the cause of my physical discomfort - with speaking self-forgiveness.
I commit myself to stop using projected blame as an excuse, reason, and/or justification for me to give into my resistance to redefining words, learning, and/or doing things in new ways and commit myself to bring these points of blame in relation to redefining words, learning, and/or doing things in new ways back to myself so that I can change my mistakes and do for myself what I am expecting others to do.
I commit myself to let go of my self-definitions and self-beliefs about myself as I see that I have held onto these for the purpose to make myself feel better and that within this, I have not changed nor moved and have become stagnant.
I found this support really cool because it assisted me to see a couple of points.
First, that I was rushing through redefining Force into a living word because I wanted to get on to some other points that I have been walking outside of my blog. And this is a pattern that I keep playing out - not only in my writings but also in my immediate physical environment where I can see several projects that I have started and have not finished - even though I have the all the materials and tools required to do so. Within this, I have come to see that having several things going at once is not 'bad' and it's not necessary for me to go into self-judgment on it. I have also found that I am quite cool with myself physically moving from project to project as long as I am making progress and seeing change. The key, however, is making sure that my movement is balanced where I give my personal process, my home projects, my work, and other commitments equal attention. So, if I find that I am intentionally avoiding doing something, I stop and take a look at why I am avoiding it. Which brings me to the second point:
Prior to my friend pointing out that there were other expanded meanings of the word Force, I was already aware of the other meanings and definitions. However, as I was researching definitions, I intentionally ignored and disregarded any definitions that contained words that I experienced an internal physical movement/uncomfortableness or reaction to when seeing or reading them.
For the next part of this blog, I will be directing the point of my rushing through things because of my relationship to time and my sense of urgency when it comes to my process and getting things done. And in the blog to follow, I will be opening up the point of why I intentionally avoid allowing myself to focus on the redefinition process - which actually works into some points that I'm walking outside of this blog in relation to my learning process. I will also be working with my friend's suggested living definition of the word Force as being a 'strong physical action or movement'.
So with my rushing, I have found that I have had some beliefs. One is that I have limited amount of time in which to get things done - which is true in some regards but not always the case. Another belief is that I will have a better of experience of myself once I get things done - like, the sooner I get something done the better I will feel, the more I can relax and do what I want - you know, the 'light at the end of the tunnel' sort of mindset.
A biggie for me as well is how easy I have been distracted and how I have acted impulsive while in that distraction - not considering time and responsibilities in that moment nor the consequences of not considering either. Also, while I have been in distraction, I have had the tendency to place all of my being into it where I have had the belief that if I do this - that if I give something my ALL - that I will have a certain desired outcome. Which, obviously rarely happens so, disappointed, frustrated and/or bored, I have put that task aside for 'another day' and then move on, again, to whatever distraction or task suits my desire to feel better, entertained and/or most productive in that moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the belief that I have a limited amount of time to get things done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will have a better experience of myself once I get thing done and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through things that I am working on because in my mind, I see myself as being able to to relax and do whatever I want after - which I have connected a positive energetic 'feel good' feeling to.
So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a positive energetic 'feel good' feeling and experience to the idea of relaxing and imaginations of doing what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within a 'light at the end of the tunnel' mindset where I believe that if I can get through the tedious, the time consuming, the labor, and/or the boring stuff that something good, gratifying, and/or fulfilling will be there for me when I 'get through it'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become distracted while working on things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on impulse when I become distracted and physically move myself to change what I am doing without considering time and responsibilities in that moment.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider the consequences of me going from one activity to another in any given moment - depending on what interests me most.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel all of my self into whatever I am doing to such an extent that I will not be aware of what's going on outside of me, time, and the other responsibilities that must be taken care of it within that day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I 'put my ALL' into something, that I will have a positive result - which in my mind is a desired result of perfection based on something that I have already seen in my external reality that I believe must be emulated.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become disappointed, frustrated, and/or bored with something that I'm working on if/when/as I have seen that what I am working on does not align with the idea of perfection that I have taken from somewhere in my external world and stored within me as a memory of 'the way it should be'.
And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk away from what I am working on because I have become disappointed and/or frustrated with the work - from which, I go into my ego and tell myself I'm bored, a waste of my time, or something that I can work on later which I have accepted and allowed as a reasonable excuse or justification to walk away from what I am working on in any given moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop doing what I have allotted time to do because I either fear that it's not going to come out the way I would like it, because I am not being entertained, or because what I am doing requires a lot of physical application. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop what I am doing and go off to do whatever interests me, entertains me, and/or suits me best as my mind in any given moment.
So, bringing the point back to Force. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be an Immeasurable Force - where the strength of my actions - what I put the strength of my mind focus, my physical time, and my inner beingness into completing - is not measurable and not countable because I am busy rushing through things and/or not seeing my work through to my utmost potential.
I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to believe that I have a limited amount of time to get things done and I commit myself to no longer allow myself to limit myself with the excuse of time by when and as I see me telling myself how my time is limited, I stop and breath. Realistically, I see that yes, I only have a certain amount of time with my days to get things done and yes, I have many responsibilities and points to direct within a day - however, I remind myself that this is not an excuse to go into giving up and distracting myself myself within whatever looks entertaining or most productive at the moment. And so, I commit myself to stay on task - or return to that task after something has come up - within the time I have allotted to that task and to not let myself be distracted because of a positive or negative experience that I may be having as I work on what's required to be done.
I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to be of the mind that there is a 'light at the end of the tunnel' by when and as I see that I am telling or showing myself that cool things that I get to do when I get my work done, I stop and breath. Firstly, I realize that there is actually rarely a light at the end of the tunnel - the path always leads back to the same place and is in-fact an illusion. Secondly, I question myself: why do I need something cool and fun to happen? Why do I need to be entertained? Why can't I simply be here with myself working on what I am working on? Why do I not like what I am doing or the way that I'm doing it? So, I commit myself to utilize the moments of working on things as a point of self-support to get to stop making the experiences into personal issues and to get to know myself.
I commit myself to unravel myself from my current relationships and experiences with Time by walking the point slowly and seeing myself through the fear, anger, irritation, and frustration with myself and then redefining my physical movement with Time.
I commit myself to STOP allowing myself to be distracted by when and as I see my attention wander away from what I have committed myself to doing to something that I'm seeing is more fun, more cool, or a better use of my time within the day, I stop and breath. I remind myself of my commitment to stay on task and if/when/as I see what is coming up as 'what I could be doing instead' and requires my attention, I write down the point for myself to direct for when I am done doing or the allotted time for the task is done. Obviously, within this, I allow myself to be aware and responsive to what's going on in my external environment and allow myself to be understanding and flexible in regards to the others around me and their physical and/or mental requirements throughout the day - I will continue to stand as a point of support.
I commit myself to stop attempting to recreate and emulate into my physical reality what I have allowed myself to see and store as a memory of 'perfection' from my mind's perspective by when and as I see myself telling or showing myself how something I'm doing 'should be' or is 'supposed to be' based on something I have seen or come to believe, I stop and breath. I do not allow myself to accept this excuse nor do I allow the experience to change me from focusing on what is required to be done nor do I allow this to limit me from doing something and within this doing something, doing it with my utmost potential. Within this, I commit myself to let go of any mind beliefs or ideas I have about what I am doing, say self-forgiveness as I work, and allow myself to express myself within and as what I am working on.
I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing the thought, "I can do this later ..." to release me from what I am doing that is required to be done. And when and as I see that there is a task that can in-fact be done later or is best to be done later, I direct accordingly from a point of self-honesty practicality where I make a plan of when/how I will do something and commit myself to seeing that plan through.
I commit myself to always working on ways of placing my time and focus equally into the things.
And I commit myself to restructuring my time and my focus if/when/as I see myself NOT distributing my time and focus to what's required to be done.
I commit myself to stop attempting to separate myself from what I am doing.
I commit myself to being a Measurable Force where the product of my strong physical movement and action - that which I see through to an utmost potential - can be seen, counted, and measured. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2014/09/day-191-measurable-force.html#sthash.JqAvC7Cj.dpuf
First, that I was rushing through redefining Force into a living word because I wanted to get on to some other points that I have been walking outside of my blog. And this is a pattern that I keep playing out - not only in my writings but also in my immediate physical environment where I can see several projects that I have started and have not finished - even though I have the all the materials and tools required to do so. Within this, I have come to see that having several things going at once is not 'bad' and it's not necessary for me to go into self-judgment on it. I have also found that I am quite cool with myself physically moving from project to project as long as I am making progress and seeing change. The key, however, is making sure that my movement is balanced where I give my personal process, my home projects, my work, and other commitments equal attention. So, if I find that I am intentionally avoiding doing something, I stop and take a look at why I am avoiding it. Which brings me to the second point:
Prior to my friend pointing out that there were other expanded meanings of the word Force, I was already aware of the other meanings and definitions. However, as I was researching definitions, I intentionally ignored and disregarded any definitions that contained words that I experienced an internal physical movement/uncomfortableness or reaction to when seeing or reading them.
For the next part of this blog, I will be directing the point of my rushing through things because of my relationship to time and my sense of urgency when it comes to my process and getting things done. And in the blog to follow, I will be opening up the point of why I intentionally avoid allowing myself to focus on the redefinition process - which actually works into some points that I'm walking outside of this blog in relation to my learning process. I will also be working with my friend's suggested living definition of the word Force as being a 'strong physical action or movement'.
So with my rushing, I have found that I have had some beliefs. One is that I have limited amount of time in which to get things done - which is true in some regards but not always the case. Another belief is that I will have a better of experience of myself once I get things done - like, the sooner I get something done the better I will feel, the more I can relax and do what I want - you know, the 'light at the end of the tunnel' sort of mindset.
A biggie for me as well is how easy I have been distracted and how I have acted impulsive while in that distraction - not considering time and responsibilities in that moment nor the consequences of not considering either. Also, while I have been in distraction, I have had the tendency to place all of my being into it where I have had the belief that if I do this - that if I give something my ALL - that I will have a certain desired outcome. Which, obviously rarely happens so, disappointed, frustrated and/or bored, I have put that task aside for 'another day' and then move on, again, to whatever distraction or task suits my desire to feel better, entertained and/or most productive in that moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the belief that I have a limited amount of time to get things done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will have a better experience of myself once I get thing done and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush through things that I am working on because in my mind, I see myself as being able to to relax and do whatever I want after - which I have connected a positive energetic 'feel good' feeling to.
So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a positive energetic 'feel good' feeling and experience to the idea of relaxing and imaginations of doing what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within a 'light at the end of the tunnel' mindset where I believe that if I can get through the tedious, the time consuming, the labor, and/or the boring stuff that something good, gratifying, and/or fulfilling will be there for me when I 'get through it'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become distracted while working on things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on impulse when I become distracted and physically move myself to change what I am doing without considering time and responsibilities in that moment.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to consider the consequences of me going from one activity to another in any given moment - depending on what interests me most.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel all of my self into whatever I am doing to such an extent that I will not be aware of what's going on outside of me, time, and the other responsibilities that must be taken care of it within that day.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I 'put my ALL' into something, that I will have a positive result - which in my mind is a desired result of perfection based on something that I have already seen in my external reality that I believe must be emulated.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become disappointed, frustrated, and/or bored with something that I'm working on if/when/as I have seen that what I am working on does not align with the idea of perfection that I have taken from somewhere in my external world and stored within me as a memory of 'the way it should be'.
And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk away from what I am working on because I have become disappointed and/or frustrated with the work - from which, I go into my ego and tell myself I'm bored, a waste of my time, or something that I can work on later which I have accepted and allowed as a reasonable excuse or justification to walk away from what I am working on in any given moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop doing what I have allotted time to do because I either fear that it's not going to come out the way I would like it, because I am not being entertained, or because what I am doing requires a lot of physical application. And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop what I am doing and go off to do whatever interests me, entertains me, and/or suits me best as my mind in any given moment.
So, bringing the point back to Force. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be an Immeasurable Force - where the strength of my actions - what I put the strength of my mind focus, my physical time, and my inner beingness into completing - is not measurable and not countable because I am busy rushing through things and/or not seeing my work through to my utmost potential.
I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to believe that I have a limited amount of time to get things done and I commit myself to no longer allow myself to limit myself with the excuse of time by when and as I see me telling myself how my time is limited, I stop and breath. Realistically, I see that yes, I only have a certain amount of time with my days to get things done and yes, I have many responsibilities and points to direct within a day - however, I remind myself that this is not an excuse to go into giving up and distracting myself myself within whatever looks entertaining or most productive at the moment. And so, I commit myself to stay on task - or return to that task after something has come up - within the time I have allotted to that task and to not let myself be distracted because of a positive or negative experience that I may be having as I work on what's required to be done.
I commit myself to no longer allowing myself to be of the mind that there is a 'light at the end of the tunnel' by when and as I see that I am telling or showing myself that cool things that I get to do when I get my work done, I stop and breath. Firstly, I realize that there is actually rarely a light at the end of the tunnel - the path always leads back to the same place and is in-fact an illusion. Secondly, I question myself: why do I need something cool and fun to happen? Why do I need to be entertained? Why can't I simply be here with myself working on what I am working on? Why do I not like what I am doing or the way that I'm doing it? So, I commit myself to utilize the moments of working on things as a point of self-support to get to stop making the experiences into personal issues and to get to know myself.
I commit myself to unravel myself from my current relationships and experiences with Time by walking the point slowly and seeing myself through the fear, anger, irritation, and frustration with myself and then redefining my physical movement with Time.
I commit myself to STOP allowing myself to be distracted by when and as I see my attention wander away from what I have committed myself to doing to something that I'm seeing is more fun, more cool, or a better use of my time within the day, I stop and breath. I remind myself of my commitment to stay on task and if/when/as I see what is coming up as 'what I could be doing instead' and requires my attention, I write down the point for myself to direct for when I am done doing or the allotted time for the task is done. Obviously, within this, I allow myself to be aware and responsive to what's going on in my external environment and allow myself to be understanding and flexible in regards to the others around me and their physical and/or mental requirements throughout the day - I will continue to stand as a point of support.
I commit myself to stop attempting to recreate and emulate into my physical reality what I have allowed myself to see and store as a memory of 'perfection' from my mind's perspective by when and as I see myself telling or showing myself how something I'm doing 'should be' or is 'supposed to be' based on something I have seen or come to believe, I stop and breath. I do not allow myself to accept this excuse nor do I allow the experience to change me from focusing on what is required to be done nor do I allow this to limit me from doing something and within this doing something, doing it with my utmost potential. Within this, I commit myself to let go of any mind beliefs or ideas I have about what I am doing, say self-forgiveness as I work, and allow myself to express myself within and as what I am working on.
I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing the thought, "I can do this later ..." to release me from what I am doing that is required to be done. And when and as I see that there is a task that can in-fact be done later or is best to be done later, I direct accordingly from a point of self-honesty practicality where I make a plan of when/how I will do something and commit myself to seeing that plan through.
I commit myself to always working on ways of placing my time and focus equally into the things.
And I commit myself to restructuring my time and my focus if/when/as I see myself NOT distributing my time and focus to what's required to be done.
I commit myself to stop attempting to separate myself from what I am doing.
I commit myself to being a Measurable Force where the product of my strong physical movement and action - that which I see through to an utmost potential - can be seen, counted, and measured. - See more at: http://self-commitment-of-carrie.blogspot.com/2014/09/day-191-measurable-force.html#sthash.JqAvC7Cj.dpuf
Awesome lady.
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