Day 42: I Can't Watch This - Part 6

Here I am writing Self-Correction and Self-Commitment Statements for:

Day 37: I Can't Watch This
Day 38: I Can't Watch This - Part 2
Day 39: I Can't Watch This - Part 3
Day 40: I Can't Watch This - Part 4
Day 41: I Can't Watch This - Part 5
For additional context, see the documentary Earthlings.

ART By Anna Brix Thomsen

When and as I see that I am taking myself within and as my mind back to a memory of myself of when I was a very young child so that I will experience myself as a human being that does not care and thus tell myself that this is who I am, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that this is myself as my minds way to control me with guilt, remorse, blame, justification, and other negative emotions so that I do not remain here, in breath and thus never realize who I am as life.  Additionally, I now see, realize, and understand that the moment that I had with the cat where I killed the cat was a moment where any variable/instance/event could have happened.

I commit myself to being here in breath with the animals and thus sharing moments with animals.   Within this, I commit myself to stopping the fear that I've attached to the memories of my experiences with animals.  Additionally, I commit myself to stopping the fear that I've attached to the memories of OTHERS, the media, films, books, stories, fictions, etc. as imagined experiences with animals.

I see, realize, and understand that being/becoming equal to and one with life that is here within this physical world requires for me to be present and aware of my reactions and that within my awareness I have moment-by-moment decisions where I can breath through my fear and not allow my fear to direct me within an action/re-action in a moment where anything can happen. 

When and as I see and/or hear myself telling myself 'this is who/what I am' as 'only human', I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that 'who I am', 'what I am', and 'only human' is an expression of the knowledge, information, stories, imaginings, and memories that I have stored within myself as pictures in/as/of/from my mind that I have attached to the words 'who/what I am' and 'human'.

Within this, When and as I see/tell myself that 'I am human', I do so within awareness that 'human' is a physical body controlled by a mind - where every word, action, reaction, personality, Character, thought, emotion, and feeling is pre-determined, pre-scripted, pre-programmed, and pre-narraratored by the mind. 

I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow the excuse of 'I am only human' - within this, I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow myself to use the excuse/justification of 'I am only <anything>' as I see, realize and understand that my allowance of myself being 'only anything' is me allowing and thus accepting myself to be/become diminished, separated, categorized, characterized, and irresponsible.

I commit myself to no longer see myself as a Species separate from other Earthlings and within this, I commit myself to understanding exactly how we are the same as we are all born of/from the Earth and thus are of/from the same substance.  Within this, I commit myself to understanding and establishing a relationship with/as my design and the designs of other Earthlings.

When and as I see myself blaming myself with thoughts of what a 'bad human' I am or blaming my Race as the Human Race/Species, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that BLAME gets me no where and so I breath, equalize myself, and self-forgive my blames that come up in that moment. From here, I re-direct myself by re-minding myself that my design and the design of my fellow human beings as Mind Consciousness Systems is from/of/as a point of dominance and control - and in accepting and allowing myself as this design, I am responsible for all that I have established dominance and control over and I am responsible for all life that I have not seen or heard - specifically those that I have not accepted nor allowed as having/to have a voice/the ability to communicate.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to no longer get caught up in the Blame Game as I see that it is yet another cycle of entrapment.  Within this, I commit myself to focus on supporting, standing for and manifesting a SOLUTION that will put a PERMANENT end to abuse and exploitation.



Additionally, I commit myself to BECOMING THE SOLUTION.  I commit myself to becoming the solution here in THIS PHYSICAL REALITY where we are all given an opportunity in THIS ONE LIFE to reform ourselves and that we can be trusted with Life and thus be FREE.

When and as I continue walking the Earthlings Documentary and I experience any reactions of thoughts, emotions, feelings, memories or the 'I Can't Watch This' Character, I stop.  I breath. I see, realize and understand that this is me within and as my mind where I do not have control over nor an established relationship of responsibility with what I am seeing and so I want what I'm seeing to 'go away'.  Within this seeing, realizing, and understanding that my reactions are an experience that I am having within and as my mind, I direct myself to self-forgive any thoughts, emotions, feelings, memories, and/or physical adrenaline reactions that surface as continue to watch Earthlings and thus give myself the opportunity to align/re-align and equalize myself with what has been accepted and allowed for/as animal abuse.

I commit myself to understanding and becoming equal to what has been/to what I have accepted and allowed for/of/as animal abuse - and within this commitment, I commit myself to watch the Earthlings documentary from start to end and as I do this, I commit myself to self-forgiving and self-correcting any memories, thoughts, and reactions that surface during this process.

When and as I see myself 'feeling sorry' for myself or any other outside of myself, I stop.  I see, realize, and understand that 'feeling sorry' is not real - in fact, it is a lie as I have proven to myself that I have programmed the word 'Sorry' into and as my physical living as a way to not accept nor allow myself to be/become responsible for the consequences of my choices and decisions.  Additionally, I see, realize, and understand that by accepting and allowing the word 'Sorry' to exist within and as my physical living/expression, that I am accepting and allowing 'Right/Wrong', blame, judgement, excuses justification, guilt, and escapism to exist and thus I am accepting and allowing the manifested consequences as the World Systems that serve individual self-interest and control without consideration for LIFE.

I commit myself to removing, stopping, and/or re-directing 'Sorry' from my programming and replacing each instance of 'Sorry-ness' with Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction.

When and as I see myself, as a parent, participating in thoughts, memories, programming/pre-programming, imaginings, judgements, and/or fears that could potentially lead to my reacting - I STOP.  I BREATH.  I do not react.  I see, realize, and understand that I NO LONGER have to/need to follow the direction of the narrator within and as my mind that tells me what to do, how to do it, and why to do it from a point of fear that I am 'not raising my kid right' or that 'my kid will not be accepted and/or survive in this world'.  I trust myself to make decisions for/direct myself and my children within the principle of equality and what's best for us as living, breathing, and responsible beings.

I commit myself to stopping my reactions to others and PERFECTING this as I see, realize, and understand that this is absolutely required if I am to actually FOR REAL to assist and support myself and others in being/becoming one/equal-to our physical bodies and our physical world.

I commit myself to SHARE the education of myself within and as my Journey To Life with my children - specifically with my pre-school/kindergarten-aged child who is still home with me, I commit myself to exploring, understanding, and sharing our physical world together as an equal part of his homeschool education. 

I commit myself to remove myself from the HUMAN RACE - where I take myself out of the RACE as I am in NO HURRY to get to the FINISH LINE.  I see, realize, and understand that competing is pointless and that DEMONstrating how special/more deserving/how -amazing- /how right I am changes nothing as when and as I reach the finish line/the end, all that I used as knowledge, information, Characters and personalities to give me a 'winning edge' will die when my mind dies and my body will return to the Earth along with all of my other fellow dead Earthlings.

Within this, I commit myself to changing/re-directing/becoming Being Human where Human is my design and Being is to Be Living here equal to/as myself within and as my design and with all Beings/Earthlings that are here within and as their individual designs.

I commit myself to re-mind myself that FEAR IS LAME.  I see, realize, and understand that fear and all of the processes that go into storing and maintaining that fear are actually diminishing my physical substance and in-fact, are making me lame.

I commit myself to no longer trust my fears by telling myself that 'my fears will keep me safe' as this is simply not true.  I see, realize, and understand that my fears keep myself as a Mind Consciousness System safe - where myself as a physical body is in a safe, under-lock-and-key, and within control of the authority of my Mind that is required to MINE from my physicality/substance to survive.

Within this, I commit myself to trust myself to make cautious, common sense decisions within awareness/understanding of the environment/situation/event that I am in at any given moment.

I commit myself to self-forgive myself for any negative/positive/neutral relationships that I have created with myself and other beings and within this, I commit myself to walk the self-correction for no longer accepting and allowing these mind relationships as well as walk my self-commitments to establish real, physical relationships with myself and other beings.

Day 41: I Can't Watch This - Part 5

Here I am continuing with my process of understanding Animal Abuse.  For context, see:
Day 37: I Can't Watch This
Day 38: I Can't Watch This - Part 2
Day 39: I Can't Watch This - Part 3
Day 40: I Can't Watch This - Part 4
And the documentary Earthlings

ART By Silvia Simone Gerssen

I am questioning my definition of Abuse because:

• I see abuse everywhere, in every 'thing' on this planet.
• When I am NOT being self-honest, I do not see myself as an abuser - I see everyone/thing else OUTSIDE of myself as The Abuser.
• I react to others stories, memories, and experiences of abuse/being abused as, "What the HECK? That is SO wrong." I experience a sorriness with the individual sharing their experience.  I want to hug, hold, and comfort the victim and I want to do everything within my power to separate the victim from their abuser.  I become angry with Earthlings hurting other Earthlings - I become angry, frustrated, and disappointed with Earthlings who ignore the Earthlings that are being hurt by other Earthlings.  I want the abuser, in any form that they have taken on this earth - animal, plant, insect, human, element - all that is HERE to STOP.  Even if it means removal. Just stop.  WHY does it have to be this way?

Now, when and as I ask others in my immediate environment the question of 'WHY does it have to be this way?', I hear, "It is what it is ...", "It's God's Will ...", "That's life ...", "Survival of the fittest ...", "There's nothing any that I or any of us can do about it ...", "Yep.  We're all evil. Get used to it ..." or, "Not my concern, not my problem ..."

Honestly, I am equal to each and every one of these answers as the truth is, before participating with a group if beings that are working on standing up and taking responsibility for the abuse, my answer to the question of 'WHY does it have to be this way?' was any of the above responses depending on what character I was acting, studying, or practicing at the time.  The fact that I have a 'new perspective' as 'NO MORE ABUSE PERIOD' changes nothing in my pattern of character creation - specifically, since I realize that as long as I am reacting to what myself or others see or share as 'abuse', that I have no clue what I'm standing for - how can I possibly give myself an opportunity to understand when I'm completely DISTRACTED by my reaction? I'm just another picketer, waiving a well-written sign in the air, while I use every possible character in my arsenal to get passerby's to not cross-the-line, to join us, or get out of the way.

Here is where I see myself - standing on the grass with my eye-catching sign of all the ugliness that is here.  From time to time, I get the attention from a curious, lonely, or guilty walker-by that wants to learn more but in the end I hear and see, "No thanks. Good luck, though.  I might check on you later to see how you're doing ..."  I see others as not 'getting it' - which is interesting because I GOT IT - loud and clear. Sure, there was a moment when I said, 'This person is INSANE ... I'm out of here ...' but I came right back for more in a matter of days.  Why?  Because all of my questions were answered honestly.  These people spoke to my common sense.  And they gave, and gave, and gave, and gave...

So. Honestly, truthfully, practically, and realistically, how am I allowing myself to define Abuse?  Because I can 'take others words for it' or allow my imagination to show me what abuse is, who the abusers are, who the victims are, etc. - over and over and over again BUT it's not getting me anywhere.

Oh, and another point:  Because we are ALL REACTING TO ABUSE, this leaves A LOT of room for deflection and deception.  I have proved this to myself recently.  Abuse is another Trump Card that I play to resist changing.  I've lived through some chaotic, confusing, emotional, unsafe and physically damaging times which I see myself as justified as using as an excuse and/or escape.  I can no longer allow myself to become this Abused Person Character nor can I accept this character of/as/from others.

Putting It Together
In relation to Animal Abuse and my reaction to the Earthlings documentary, I am reacting as my 'I'm An Abuser' and 'I Am/Was/Will Be Abused' Characters where I then justify becoming the 'I Can't' Character where I am allowing myself to resist as my mind and thus continue with my programming so that I do not allow myself the opportunity to establish an actual real relationship connection with myself via another Earthling.

Solution
In my next blog I will write my self-correction and self-commitment statements for my 'I Can't Watch This' Character. From there, I will investigate how I am living out my Abuse programming/Characters/definitions so that I can stop the reactions, GIVE myself an underSTANDING, and thus continue to establish a relationship of trust with myself.   Within this, I will continue watching Earthlings as my reaction indicates that I must walk this point with my awareness of my resistance.

Day 40: I Can't Watch This - Part 4

Here I continue Self-Forgiveness statements for
Day 37: I Can't Watch This
Day 38: I Can't Watch This - Part 2
Day 39: I Can't Watch This - Part 3

ART by Andrew Gable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself show myself a picture of myself as a very young child swinging a black cat around by it's tail until it died. Within this picture, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see this picture as an outsider and/or observer where I am watching a scene of a me-child with soft, curly baby-hair in a diaper.  When and as when I place myself inside myself as a child, I experience nothing - no emotions, no fears, no cares - and the actual act of swinging the cat by it's tail was 'something to do' in that moment - I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to know, with 100% certainty, if I in-fact anticipated that the cat would die or not as I have allowed myself to become my consciousness and separated myself from myself to such a degree that I do not trust my memories prior to starting kindergarten at age 5.  Within this realization of where I am at the moment when I look back to myself at the age of 3 or 4 when I killed that cat, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as not caring if I removed a life.  I forgive myself that I see myself as a person that does not care nor do I have to care because who I was at 3 or 4 was my 'natural state of being' and thus have given myself permission to be a person that is going to do what I want REGARDLESS of the consequences.

Because of this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give myself permission to do what I want, regardless of the seen and/or justifiable unseen consequences because I can use this memory of myself as an excuse of 'it's who I am/it's my TRUE nature' to do whatever I want to myself and other living and breathing beings/creatures because it is what interests me in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the excuse of 'she didn't know any better' where I accepted myself as not 'knowing any better' because within that, I saw that I was free from blame.  What I did not see what was going on is that even though I was TOLD that I was free from blame, I was not.  Because I questioned myself as I saw others reacting in fear, embarrassment, and mistrust - over and over again, I abused myself with blame, embarrassment, and doubt over and over and over again until I made myself 'sorry' where I was sorrowful and experienced grief and remorse for what I had done to prove to myself and the world that I was 'a good girl, -really-'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself as a Sorry-Good-Girl-FOR REAL as a means to make the pain of guilt, remorse, and embarrassment to GO AWAY.  Even though I have said I AM SORRY over and over and over again to absolve myself from my guilt of hurting, disappointing, scaring, manipulating, lying to, and/or not seeing myself as being good, I was absolved from NOTHING.  As:

• I did not change when I said and expressed my sorry-ness.
• I continued to abuse myself with the memory of what I had done as what I saw was 'wrong'.
• I accepted what I have done as 'wrong' and abused myself with my wrongness and so I have allowed others to become the authority of me where I accept what others told me of myself as being wrong and thus allowed myself to be mentally/physically/socially/emotionally abused as a person 'in the wrong'.  I allowed myself to believe/tell myself/see myself as 'deserving it'.
• I rationalized have that my abuse of others was/is 'okay' and/or justifiable if another was in the wrong or had 'done me wrong' or 'broken the pre-determined rules'.
• I saw MYSELF as abused and thus saw myself in others that I saw as being abused as -I- had been abused and from this I judged and then became angry with back-chat - and when I expressed my anger and disappointment at another for their wrongness, I expected to see and/or hear sorry-ness and if I did not see/hear sorry-ness then I would express my anger to others where I would demand JUSTICE and thus build a jury of my peers who would assist me in the persecution of the abuser where we would decide/agree AS A GROUP whether or not to 'let it slide', 'make it hard' for the accused via the threat of exile until we determined they could be trusted again, DEMAND CHANGE, or remove them from ourselves completely.  But ... if any time the accuser came to us and expressed their utmost sorry-ness, sorrow, and remorse for their 'wrong', we accepted the abuser back ... and said, "Aww. See.  Look.  They are trying to change."  And then, "Maybe we were too hard on them ..."

What I did not see here within this pattern is how guilt and the possibility of oneself/the group being in the wrong absolves each other from actually having to change.  I also did not see how Self-Doubt sabotages any chance of change in ourselves, each other and the world which tells me that we have not allowed ourselves as a group within our agreement of the system to stand for anything with 100% certainty which indicates to me that we are all aware that this cycle/system is really messed up - however, we are trapped in it within neutrality, as 'nothing we can do about it' as 'oh well, best thing I can do is cover my own butt'.

And how did this ENTIRE CYCLE start? In that ONE MOMENT of REACTION.

Within this realization,
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself NOT to see, realize, understand, and thus apply myself as a responsible, solution-directed PARENT where in that one moment where I had the choice to 'React' or 'Do Not React', I REACTED.  Because I have seen being able to react as normal, understandable, justifiable, and MY GOD GIVEN RIGHT as a human being with emotions, feelings and pre-determined expectations of RIGHT and WRONG, I did it. I did not see how the consequences of this one moment would perpetuate a system/pattern/cycle/entrapment of myself, others in my life, humans, animals, and all other Earthlings within outrage, abuse, guilt, and complacency.   

To be continued.

Day 39: I Can't Watch This - Part 3

Here I continue writing out my 'I Can't Watch This and I Don't Have To' Character.  For context, see Day 37: I Can't Watch This, Day 38:  I Can't Watch This - Part 2, and the Earthlings documentary.



So as I've been walking this point, I saw that I was reacting to something specific about seeing the dog get thrown and then given the 'go' to be crushed in the garbage truck.  I began taking out the dog and inserting other variables and testing my reactions.  I found that if I imagined a child or any animal being thrown around then thrown in that I had the same pissed off, frustrated, and wanting to save the child or animal response.  However, when I pictured any anonymous average Joe walking down the street, my reaction wasn't as strong - not cool but neutral - I mean, I could give Joe a story of how he's got kids at home that would grow up without a daddy to get myself to react but I could reason that they still had their mom so - eh, life goes on.  What was it?  What was the variable that I was missing?  And then I saw the eyes - it's in the animals and children's eyes as a confusion, a 'what are you doing to me? I can't help who I am', an innocence.

Innocence. In-No-Sense. In No Cents?!? What has No Cents? A crazy homeless person.  I plugged that variable in and got the same animal/kid reaction.

Dictionary Definition of Innocence:

in·no·cence  (n-sns)n.

The state, quality, or virtue of being innocent, as:

a. Freedom from sin, moral wrong, or guilt through lack of knowledge of evil.

b. Guiltlessness of a specific legal crime or offense.

c. Freedom from guile, cunning, or deceit; simplicity or artlessness.

d. Lack of worldliness or sophistication; naiveté.

e. Lack of knowledge or understanding; ignorance.

f. Freedom from harmfulness; inoffensiveness.

from Latin innocentia harmlessness, from innocēns doing no harm, blameless

Looking at this dictionary definition, my reaction is validated and makes sense because if I am seeing these kids, animals, and some humans as lacking something that is required to survive on their own in this world of evil, greedy, untrustworthy, abusive exploiters and manipulators, I want to save that which I see is helpless.  And further, if I have judged the kid/creature/human as innocent, I want JUSTICE goddamn it. ROAR.

I'm a curious character which is another point all together and probably one of the many reasons that I LOVE Desteni because if I ask a question, I'm going to get an answer - the easy way or the hard way - it's entirely up to me.  So, I go for it: What am I not seeing here? What's the whole story?  If I were standing in that Go Man's shoes, what would make me not give a care about the 'innocent' look in any being's eyes?  Ahhh yes - if the being did me wrong.

And there it is.  Sure, it would take me a LONG time to get to that point and no I probably wouldn't go for the Garbage Truck crusher death but I would not put it beyond me to consider it.  

Enter GUILT as a response to the thoughts: Oh crap. There's some people that get upset about animals being hurt (like me in my 'I Can't Watch This' Character) are going to read this and become angry, confused, or have a WTF Moment. On the other hand, I'm being honest.  Seriously, we allow this bullshit every minute of every hour of every day and not for one moment do the majority of us get off of our butts and do something about it.  Like, for real, as a permanent solution. 

To be continued.

Day 38: I Can't Watch This - Part 2

Here I am sharing my walking my thoughts, emotions, feelings, reactions, memories, fears, and my 'I Can't Watch This and I Don't Have To' Character that I have created to distract myself and justify the distraction of myself from the abuses in the world.  For context, see Day 37: I Can't Watch This and the documentary Earthlings.

ART By Anna Brix Thomsen

To begin, when it was suggested to watch Earthlings, within my mind I saw and thus assumed that the documentary would be about human beings as when I see and think the word 'Earthling', it means 'Human' to me.  I expected that I would be watching a video about Adult Human Behavior or 'Humans Behaving Badly'.  This was not the case at all as the creators of this documentaries starting point is:  All that is here on this Earth is an Earthling - the animals, the plants, humans, everything - we are all equally trapped within this prison.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that an Earthling is not only myself and my fellow human beings but all that is birthed from, inhabiting and equally driven to survive on/with what is here as an Earthling on Earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'feel bad', guilty, and remorseful for allowing myself to separate myself as a Human Species from all other 'species' and that is here on Earth with me. 

Guilt.  Where does this guilt come from?  Why do I feel bad for the animals, specifically?  Why do I feel like a bad person for allowing the exploitation and abuse of animals? Why is it that I feel so badly within myself that I tell myself that 'I can't deal with this ... I can't look at this ...I cannot live nor survive out my day with these pictures of abuse and killing of animals in my mind ... I have to take a breath, forget about it, and move on with my day so that no one can see that I have become seriously fucked up and upset about this ...  I cannot force my guilt, sadness, and grief on another so I'm going to walk away and pretend that it never happened ... I'm not going to talk about this and risk having another be as messed up and confused as I am about this right now...'?

Trust.  I do not trust that my fellow human beings will be able to handle seeing what we have accepted and allowed as a race.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that I do not trust myself to be able to handle seeing the abuse that I have accepted and allowed to exist in this world.  I have not seen that I do not trust myself to remain stable in breath without reacting or 'doing something stupid' like abusing/hurting/harming myself with abusive and judgmental thoughts and/or actions. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I have manifested my fear of not trusting myself where what I was protecting myself from as abusive thoughts/actions/reactions actually became me as guilt, remorse, sadness, and physical discomfort.

Within my relationship with animals, specifically, where in my life experiences did I become guilty, remorseful, saddened and distrustful?  Where in my life experiences/memories with animals do I see that guilt, remorse, sadness, and distrust were not a consideration/did not exist within me?

Throughout my life, I have been told a story of when I was a very young and how I had killed a cat by swinging it around by it's tail.  I was told that I 'didn't know any better' but at that point, it is said that I could not be trusted with animals because there was fear that I would kill them.  As I got a bit older I wanted a cat or an animal companion and I was told 'no'. I would often hear how I killed a cat.  Even though it would be laughed off, I heard shame and embarrassment under/within the laughter.

How did I forget that as a child I struggled because someone was looking to find any clue of themselves in me and could not find the likeness to themselves.  To me, it seemed like I should have been more like others and when I was not, I saw that they were disappointed.   What was wrong with me?   I wanted more than ANYTHING to be accepted and get physical attention and I wanted to change to make us happy and content together but no matter how much I tried, it never got better - it got much, much worse.

I said that I would be good.  And the consequences of me not being good were scary.  I was told over and over and over again that all I needed to do was say I am sorry but this was difficult for me as I never experienced being sorry for anything that I had done until much later in my young life when I learned that bad people did not feel remorse, guilt, sorriness or badness for what they done to others and that good people are sorry, remorseful, and honestly admit their guilt and thus seen as trying to reform.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that I am a bad person and that I was a bad child because I killed a cat.   I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I was a child I did not see myself as a 'bad person' but instead, I saved the memories of myself acting impulsively/harming animals without consideration/thought from which to become a good person as an adult that would not harm another animal again by reminding myself over and over again that I am guilty of abuse of animals and thus experience shame, remorse, and disappointment with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize myself as equal to others as I look for myself as a Good Person in others.   When I watched those beings throwing a dog into the trash crusher, I was shocked, disappointed, angry, and experienced remorse and sorriness for the dog as an innocent victim of humans - this is precisely how I have allowed myself to be taught to react.  And as the Good Person illusion that I have projected to others and thus manipulate myself to believe that I am from fear of the consequences of being a Bad Person, I placed myself in direct conflict with myself and became the 'I Cant Watch This and I Don't Have To' Character where I remove my physical body from a situation that I do not want to see, pace as I struggle with conflicting thoughts, feelings, emotions, and memories within myself of myself and who I tell myself I should be, and then go into a fuzzy-zombie-sad-trying-to-be-happy state/expression of my mind-job of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself so that I could see the truth of who I am as what I was before I formed conscious thoughts, feelings, emotions, and memories.  I was nothing.  I was here.  Nothing here was better, worse, more deserving, less deserving, nor any other definition of anything.  We are here or we are not.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and be honest with myself that I fear who I am without my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and memories that 'keep me in check' and keep me walking a straight, good, and acceptable path because if it weren't for my reactions to my memories and my conflicting thoughts, I fear that I would become a killer and abuser.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that my fearing myself as an abuser and killer has changed nothing aside placing myself within a bubble of denial - I am killer and from fear, I have become an abuser. All humans are in agreement with this denial of the truth of ourselves, the killing, the fear, and the abuse and so we are equally in agreement that we are to remain imprisoned here until we have reformed and can show time-and-time again that we have become what's best for life.  This is how our system works.  We've created it, supported it, accepted it, allowed it, and thus we Earthlings must be the one's to change it.

To be continued.

ART By Ann Van den Broeck

Day 37: I Can't Watch This

 

I was chatting with Anna Brix Thomsen this morning and we were discussing 'animal production facilities'.  I did not realize the extent of these facilities - how big they are and how many of them exist.  I also did not realize that these facilities are where the majority of our meat that we eat comes from as I live in an area of the United States that has been mostly cut off from the rest of the world, there are many beings that still farm here in rural areas, and I wanted very much to believe that these cows, pigs and chickens that I am eating had a good, happy life before they died.


So, this was a eye-opener for me.  It -should- have been obvious that the majority of the meat that I consume is from/of living, breathing creatures that never see a pasture, a patch of grass, or experience the feel of a gentle breeze against their flesh ... obvious because there are very few actual working farms and farmers.  Myself, I was raised to believe that farming was hard, painful, and non-profitable work - why would anyone accept the hard life of farming if they did not have to?  There was someone else out there somewhere that would raise all happy farm animals for me to eat and not only were they really good at it, they were also content doing it! Go me! Within my imagination, it was a win-win scenario.


Anna suggested that I watch the documentary 'Earthlings'.

At 17:28 minutes out of 1:23:22, I had to stop watching. I stopped the documentary, shot up from my seat, walked out the room and began to pace.  Within me I said, "I can't watch this ..."  I soothed myself by telling myself that I 'don't have to watch this'.

I realize that this soothing of myself by telling myself that I 'can not' and 'do not have to' watch this is me trying to get away and not take responsibility for a reaction. And where I am reacting, I see that I have investigate.  Another concern is that I left the room and became very uncomfortable with myself and myself in my physical body - there's something within what I was seeing at that moment about myself that scared me to an adrenaline-survival point.

 The image is still burned into my mind:

A dog is thrown under a garbage crushing truck that is leaking liquid -- I thought,   "Okay, okay.  The dog is going to be okay.  He's just under the truck and there's some sort of nasty stuff dripping on him.  They're not going to put him in there ..."  In the next moment, from a visual cue to 'go' from a man standing off to the side, another man throws the dog into the back of the garbage truck and they turn on the crusher...

This is where I stopped the documentary and experienced/directed myself with my 'I Can't Watch This' Character.

I'll be sharing self-forgiveness in my next blog.

Day 36: You, Sir ... are an asshole - Part 2

Art By Marlen Vargas Del Razo

Self-Forgiveness, Self-Correction, and Self-Commitment Statements from Day 35: You, Sir ... are an asshole


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'point a finger' of blame toward/at others outside of myself.  I have seen myself pointing my finger of blame at others but have not wanted to be honest with myself because I have not wanted to take responsibility for myself, my judgements, and my fears as I see/saw it as 'easier' to abuse an other, mind-job an other and expect another to take responsibility for themselves rather than to stand and direct myself.

Within this, I forgive myself that haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize the extent and harshness of/from which I have been abusing and mind-fucking myself with judgements and blame.  As I have separated myself from others and not brought anything outside of my physical body back to my myself, I have not given myself the opportunity to see the consequences of my actions/reactions because I have been in my mind where I drive myself to manifest my self-interests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as my mind to create an 'uncomfortable' sensation within my physical body when I am faced with the truth of myself with myself and/or an other.  Instead of committing myself to standing where I face my messes, take responsibility for myself, and directly change my patterns, I re-treat into my mind where I can recall and then express all of the information and memories that I have collected but have not walked nor become clear within myself.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself and direct myself.  I commit myself to stand as a living example of this written and spoken commitment.

I commit myself to stop the conflict, abuse, judgement, and blame within and as myself.  I commit myself to investigate all points by bringing all that I have separated from myself back to myself.  I commit myself to direct myself to solutions that are in the best interest of all and that all can agree to and within this, I commit myself to becoming the solution and thus commit myself to no longer compromising myself or others.


When and as I see and/or hear myself pointing a finger of blame at an other, I stop.  I breath.  I see, realize, and understand that I am reacting to a point that I have not yet become equal and one as myself with.  From here, I see these reactions as a gift of myself that must be brought back into/as myself gently without judgement, blame, and/or unreal expectations of myself  - thus, I move and direct myself to self-forgive myself for all of my reactions so that I can clear myself, free myself, change myself, and trust myself to stand as/for equality, oneness, and actual living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a personality that I can become that myself and others will accept and allow because of the polarity expression within the  character as my mind and my physical body where I am communicating/expressing both the positive and negative of myself and others as the 'You, Sir ... Are An Asshole' Character where: YOU, is the calling out of another to blame/judge/expect change, SIR is a patronizing/dishonest/manipulation of a word I've defined as how one communicates respect and ARE AN ASSHOLE as defined and expressed by myself would place another as a HUGE JERK.  Within this conflicted/polarity expression of words/communication, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically express a cocky smile and an injection of charisma as a means to get away within/as not having to take responsibility for my words, actions, and reactions.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for using the 'You, Sir ... Are An Asshole' Character and thus experience remorse and guilt where I tell myself that I have hurt and fucked with another and thus am 'unworthy' because I KNOW better.  And within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself as the opposite that 'HEY! I -do- know better ... I know sooooooooo much more than the other person and thus my actions are completely justifiable/understandable!"  And within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then tell myself who I am as the neutral version of myself when I say within myself, "Oh well. Whatever.  I screwed up. We all do.  You live and you learn.  You move on to try again another day ..."

Because this 'You, Sir ... are an asshole' Character is an expression of polarity, an abdication of myself, a compromise of myself, a lie and an abuse of life,

I commit myself to not ever using/assuming the role of the 'You, Sir ... are an asshole' Character to blame, judge, and/or express points that I have not walked myself to/as others.

When and as I see my 'You, Sir ... Are An Asshole' Character come up within me, I stop.  I breath.  I remove myself from the person/event/experience and investigate myself - I see, realize and understand that if this character is coming to the surface of myself that I am already in survival mode and thus remove myself in that moment before I compromise myself/another and within this, I slow myself and self-forgive myself to see where I have not been effective and self-correct.