Day 27: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 2

This writing is a continuation of Day 26: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 1.

Here I am sharing Self-Forgiveness for the word Commitment.  As mentioned in the previous post, this has taken some time for me to walk. Also, within this I have required a great deal of support from my Desteni I Process buddy, the Desteni group, and the Journey To Life blogs.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid any types of commitment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to say, as my living word, to myself and others: I generally avoid any types of commitment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a personality as myself that allows me to avoid and abdicate any commitments via my observations and studies of others reactions and what 'works' in this world as it exists. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an acceptable form of transportation for myself within this personality from within which I can make a clear get-away from commitments and responsibilities to myself, others outside of myself, and my world.

I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that I am pairing and supporting my definition of the word 'commitment' with the word 'responsibility'.

I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that I am placing the word 'commitment' equal to or following the word 'responsibility' and that by doing so, I am hiding my fear and reactions to the word 'responsibility' within my fear and reactions to the word 'commitment'. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to avoid looking at the word 'responsibility' as equal to my avoidance of looking at the word 'commitment'.

I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that my avoidance of the words 'commitment' and 'responsibility', two words that must become myself as my living world within what is best for all, is my resistance to these words and my resistance to what 'could happen' as me, as my reality, as a result of taking on these words as me.

I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that my avoidance and resistance to the words 'commitment' and 'responsibility' is my allowance of myself as the mind to become fearful in response to seeing myself as living these words and thus living out the burden, self-sacrifice, tiredness, martyrdom, and burnt-out-ness of these words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct myself from within myself as my secret mind in response to the words 'commitment and responsibility' when I see and say within myself as my secret mind, “I do not want to become a fucking Mother Theresa. I want to be left alone, within my own little bubble. I do not want to stop my life, give up my life, nor give over my life to someone else outside of myself. I do not want to allow the leaches of the world, those that are helpless within their misfortune, to suck the life out of me and make me old before my time. I do not want to give any of myself to anyone outside of myself – I want all of myself to myself. I want all that is here for myself and myself only. I hate sharing what I have and I see that I have to shift into an alternate state of mind where I soothe myself within meditation and positive thoughts when faced with being required to share what I consider as mine. I see that by having others in my immediate world, by default, I am required to share what it is here and I do not like this. On the other side, I expect that you will share with me and give to me yourself and what you consider as yours, unconditionally.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want and desire to be left alone in my self-created bubble where I am not required to have to do anything that is not within my own self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see a picture of Mother Theresa in myself as my mind when I consider giving of myself and/or committing myself to other beings who are less fortunate than myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as being drained of life, wrinkled, and having nothing left for myself as myself if I am to give myself, unconditionally, to others less fortunate than myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the belief that I will be drained by others less fortunate than myself if I give of myself because beyond the picture of Mother Theresa that have placed as a protection point within myself as my mind, there is another picture of a child who has been in need and is now cared for because someone outside of him cared.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place the picture of Mother Theresa as wrinkled and drained as my starting point within seeing myself as a committed being so that I will fear, hide behind this fear, and not allow myself to see that within myself as my mind I see commitment as an act of caring for others outside of myself that are less fortunate then myself and in return gratitude and a 'look' of Love/adoration is expressed, in this case, from a child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my self-programmed fear of being wrinkled and drained of the color of life against myself so that I allow myself to become distracted in the moment, so that I do not consider what it is that I have created within myself beyond my point of fear, and what I am hiding within and as myself that I have kept secret from myself and others.

I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to look at when I type and/or write the words 'commitment' and 'responsibility' that 9 out of 10 times I will write these words 'wrong' – I see that I have been struggling with my writing the word 'responsibility' since I was in middle-school when I was writing about 'responsibility' and see/saw myself as trying to find myself within others statements to me that I am 'not responsible' and that I need to learn 'responsibility'. I see that my mis-spelling of this word for the past 30 years of my life, I have been indicating to myself as myself a point of resistance that I have been avoiding. I have totally been avoiding responsibility because I am scared of responsibility and the consequences of my failing with a responsibility (I am STILL using my auto-correcter – LOL).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rely on a program and/or other person outside of myself to correct my words, and thus myself, because I do not and have not allowed myself to slow down, look at my words, myself, how I am writing, what I am writing, how I am living and what I am living so that I can correct myself.

Responsibility. Resposnibility. Responsibility. Responsibility. Responsibility. Responsibility. Respons-ibil-ity. Responsibi-bil-ity. Responsibility. Responsibl-ity. Responsibliity. Responsibility. Responsibilty. Responsibilty. Respons. Responsi. Responsibility. Responsibility. Responsibilty. Respons-ability. Ability. Response-Ability. Response-Able.

(Turning off auto-correct)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go on auto-pilot when I am typing where I am not considering each word that I say as I write. On the other side, I see that there are times when I am going slow because I am afraid that I will 'miss' something in my writing because I am allowing myself to be distracted within writing and my fear of not communicating in what I have accepted and allowed as/in an 'acceptable way' of writing and/or communicating.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create polarity within myself as I write. I see that I have allowed myself to program myself within my relationship to writing as both 'good' and 'bad' so that I am able to become distracted and/or trapped within my self-created behavioral pattern/cycle/bubble and within that ability to trap myself, I have allowed myself to 'give in', 'give up', procrastinate, and/or not finish writing that I have started as I am allowing myself to not push through my resistances to writing and/or communicating.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that I am also using myself as my fear of not being 'perfect' person, writer, mom, thinker, see-er, self-forgiver, self-corrector, self-realizer, and/or Destonian as a back door for myself from which to escape my commitment to writing every day. Within and as this realization of myself that I fear not being perfect within my application and commitment to life, I direct myself to open up and expose these fears, one-by-one, to myself, in continued writings.

responsible. responsiblity.

I forgive myself for accepting myself as requiring to be auto-corrected.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be auto-corrected within my fear that I will spell words wrong and that I will be judged by others outside of myself for not writing clearly and coherently. I see that this is my projection of myself onto others outside of myself as a consequence of my accepting and allowing myself to correct others and be corrected by others outside of myself within spelling, grammar, writings, and communications with words.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to 'try' to become responsible.

I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that by telling myself that I am 'trying' to become responsible, that I am creating a back-door from myself where I am able to remove myself from the process of understanding what responsibility is by using the excuse 'I am trying'. I see that when I have said to others and myself as my mind within/as reaction, 'I am trying', myself and others outside of myself 'leave me alone' and so it is a proven effective way for avoiding, ignoring, or releasing my responsibilities and/or commitments to/for/as anything, including myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a back-door for myself from which I can fail myself within my self-realizations of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting the excuse of 'I'm trying' from/as others and myself as an acceptable form of justification for procrastination and/or abdication to not actually commit myself, expect commitment from others, and to see myself and others within the words of 'I'm trying' as absolved from responsibility and/or spoken living words of commitment to/for myself and others.

I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see, hear and be aware that when I speak the words, 'I'm trying' that I am saying, “I have been asked a question regarding my status and/or progress within a point of commitment, from within me or outside of me. I do not want to talk and/or have a discussion about this point within which I have committed myself to as I do not see myself as making progress, I am afraid of myself and others seeing myself as failure, or I do not have a stand and/or understanding of myself within/as that point. Because I do not want to push myself within this point, my response is 'I'm trying' in which I am indicating for myself and others to be aware that I most likely will fail within the point. Dialogue/discussion/conversation over. Now I go back to my regularly scheduled programming.”

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and be/become aware that when I say that 'I am trying' that I am also saying, “Iiiiiii'm tryyyyyyyying'. Waaaaaaaa. I am whining. Poor me, look at allllllllllll the things that I have to DO and BE for someone or something outside of myself. I am JUST SO overwhelmed! I NEVER get time for myself and just want to forget my commitments and responsibilities for a day so that I can I can retreat within myself, distract myself from my shitty life, and re-set.” When I say 'I am trying' within this whining and/or complaining to/as myself within/as my mind and to others, I see myself within myself as my mind as showing others 'how bad I've got it' and thus I/others will pity me. Within myself as seeing myself as pitied, I see within myself as my mind that I will get 'my own way' in that I will somehow, someway be mystically granted my wish for time for myself, alone within myself, within and as the illusions/fantasies of/with/as myself with/as my mind or curled up in bed eating and watching a movie. I see within myself as my mind that others see/will see my desperation and exasperation and say to themselves and everyone in my immediate world, “Poor Carrie. She sure has got a lot going on. I feel so bad for her. I wouldn't want to be in -her- shoes. Let's do something for her to help her feel better.” Once I've established this point of myself getting what I want for myself within my imagination and/or in my world via my manipulation of others outside of myself, I will see myself being relieved of responsibility and/or what I see as obligation via others taking my responsibility and/or obligations for me, for a day, a week, or forever. This abdication of my commitments, responsibilities, and/or obligations has been self-programmed into myself as my mind and my physical body via my participation in a world that has given everything to me - my mom, my family, my friends, my co-workers, and others outside of myself that have come in and out of my existence. I have allowed myself to give up and/or give over my responsibilities, commitments and what I see as 'obligations' to others time-and-time again so that I can pursue myself as/with/within my self-interests and be FREE from care or worry. YAY - WOO - PAR-TAY!

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see the pattern of behavior that I have created/programmed within/as myself of bitching, complaining, and crying until I get what I want from others outside of myself because I have seen, learned, and proven time-and-time again that it works within my self-interests of myself relaxing, having fun, fucking off, not having to consider the needs of others, being absolved of my consequences of having children, and escaping into myself within/as my mind where imagine all kinds fantasies of being a hero, awesome sexual encounters, and ways in which I can 'get what I want' and/or satisfy my desires.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to stop, look, and see that none of my escapes, abdications, and/or self-interests are lasting: In the end, the movie ends, the party stops, I wake up (possibly hungover), I go back to work, parenting, directing others, being a wife, and being a housekeeper.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that 'the end' is the end of my nurturing my self-interests and me going back to my responsibilities again - which is not true. It does not end here. The consequence is not having to go back to my 'shitty life'. The consequence is that I am in debt - I am in-debt to others outside of myself for taking on my responsibilities for a moment. Within myself as my mind, I see that I am now vulnerable to the self-interests of others outside of myself and that I have placed myself within a position of being a 'servant'. I do not like this. I do not see myself as required to give as I have been given as I see others outside of myself as tools to get what -I- want for myself. Because I do not stop and give as I have been given, I have created and/or manipulated withinside myself as my mind a System of Debt.

Tired/Worn Down/No Time for Self = Screaming/Crying/Tantrum = Satisfying My Interest At the Expense of Others = Debt for Momentary Gratification = Work To Pay Off Debt = Tired/Worn Down/No Time for Self

Within the above, I see these points within myself:

• I can see my pattern of allowing myself to place myself within a debt to the bank/mortgage company when we 'bought' our house - I was tired of renting and wanting a place to settle/relax that I could call 'home' = I would get angry and annoyed at my landlords within the 'terms' of our rental agreements and I was not satisfied that my money was going directly into my landlord's pocket and I would have 'nothing to show' for my expenditure of hard-earned money = A bank/mortgage company loaned me money so that I could purchase my own home - with interest (their self-interest) which increased the amount of my debt = For a moment, I was elated within my getting something that I had wanted my entire life = I work hard from the starting point that I 'must do this' = tiredness/worn down/needing time to myself.

• I can now, within my pattern of 'not paying bills' how I do not see that paying my debt as equal to myself satisfying my interests where I see my self-interest as being more important than anything else within a moment.
• To add to my allowance of myself considering my self-interests as more important than the my debt agreements, I have had a backdoor available to me throughout my life from which I can escape and not take responsibility for my commitments to those whom I owe money to as I have a person in my life who is a Master of the System, in this case, the Debt System, specifically, and satisfies their own self-interests by messing with debt collectors. This person has been saving my butt my entire life within opening back doors/escape routes and then assisting me to clean up my mess that I left behind. Not only do I not like paying my bills, I do not like cleaning up my messes and I don't see myself as 'having to' because I have learned, that someone else outside of myself will do it for me. Further, I am now 'in-debt' to the person that bailed me out in that they expect me to do what they tell me to do and when they tell me to do it. I do not like someone telling me what to do.
• The back doors are closing - the Debt System, specifically, is hardening as a result of myself and others like myself who do not live up to their responsibilities and their commitments. The Debt System is saying, “You missed your payments? You did not live up to our agreement. You lose - You are cut-off/shut-off/and on your own. Bye.” I see this process of hardening as separation, as my own separation where I layer and harden the walls between myself, another outside of myself, my world, and the systems of my world, because my self interests are not being satisfied - “I want what I want and want it now. If you can't provide me with that which I require to survive and to be/look successful here. I will go elsewhere to someone who can.” The 'someone who can' is the Elite and/or the Masters of the Systems.

With and within myself as understanding myself within and as my acceptance and allowance of myself as both participating in and being/becoming in-conflict with the System of Debt, I bring my realizations of myself back to my original point of: Commitment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a negative meaning on the word commitment in that I see commitment as placing myself in debt to another outside of myself within myself as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a negative meaning and/or attached a negative definition/experience/relationship to debt within myself as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place and/or attach to myself as myself within and as my mind a negative meaning, definition, experience, and/or relationship to the words 'commitment', 'responsibility' and 'debt' because I have allowed myself to associate these words to a fear reaction inside of me where I am scared that if I give of myself within committing myself, becoming responsible for myself, and living up to the terms and agreements of debt, that I will have nothing left within and as myself to satisfy my self-interests - I see that all that I have of and as myself must be given to another outside of myself within my commitments, responsibilities, and debts and that by giving all of myself that I will not be allowing myself time to have 'a life' worth living.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see that is my fear of not 'having a life not worth living' within myself as my mind that I accept and allow myself within this fear into and as my accepted agreement with debt, commitments, and responsibilities. I have not seen or become aware that by my attaching fear to living words that exist within and as myself and myself as the systems that are manifested here within and as my world, that I am thus manifesting the fear that I have a attached to these words for/as myself as my mind. When my starting point is myself as fearing that I will not have a life worth living because of commitment, responsibility, or debt, then when the words, pictures, memories, and manifestations of commitment, responsibility, and/or debt is/are face-to-face with me, I react in fear and thus my life no longer becomes worth living because from fear, I inject an experience of anxiety, panic, sadness and/or depression within and as myself my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted nor allowed myself to see that by placing myself in-conflict with my debts that I've agreed with/as/to within moments of satisfying myself as my self-interests, I am allowing myself within and as my mind, to manipulate myself to extract energy from myself as my physical body as a consequence/result of allowing myself to manipulate/create both negative and positive relationships with the words commitment, responsibility, and debt and thus, I fuel the fear that I have attached to the words commitment, responsibility, and debt as myself as my mind with that which I have extracted from myself as my physical body and inject the energy back into myself as my physical body so that I am able to 'experience' myself within and as my physical body as anxiety, panic, overwhelmed, tired, worn-down, and/or depressed - it is from these emotions that are a physical sensation within my physical world as my physical body, that I a manipulate myself within and as the belief as myself as a my mind, that my fear is real and thus the point of origin of the fear as my mind, is real. And so, the cycle of lies, deception, and manipulation that I create/store/memorize within as myself as my mind, continues. By my own acceptance and allowance of myself as my mind creating, manipulating, and participating within and as the process of layering conflicted relationships within/as/on that which I see as manifested here within and as my physical world that I have not become equal to nor responsible for with as myself, as my mind, as my physical body, I am seeing how I have built my separation as a wall and/or hardening of myself from the pain I inflict upon myself within and as my physical body.

Self-Forgiveness continued in the next blog entry.