Day 35: YOU, Sir ... are an asshole

I've been 'pointing fingers'. Blaming.  What I see as myself within this process of blame is myself not being honest with myself about my reactions.  When another outside of myself reacts to me, an other, an event, an environment, etc., I become physically uncomfortable - like, I'm stuck or in a survival situation that I cannot escape and within this, I panic and I allow my inner-dialogue to take over as such:

"I'm stuck with this person and this persons crap and I see NO way out.  Okay, breath.  Be present.  Do NOT let this person get you down.  I know what's right and what's wrong ... -I- am the one doing the work to stop my crap and so therefore, -I- am the one that's going to stop this person.  This jerk that's unwilling to take the time to do the work because they would rather sit around and play games/watch TV has no foot to stand on with me and thus they get no access to me as they cannot be trusted."  My physical defenses go up where I curl my shoulders toward my chest and use my shoulder as a 'block' while crossing an arm over my mid-section and holding on to my elbow.

Within this, I see that I have already established judgements of another based on what they are doing/saying or what they are not doing/saying and because I've allowed these judgements to accumulate within me via my inner-dialogue arguments with myself, I am ready to fight at any moment as I have already counter-attacked myself with 'Right's for every 'Wrong'.

This is where my 'YOU Sir ... Are An Asshole ..." Character can come into play. I like using this character because it is an effective mind-job.  My physical expression of this character is myself relaxing my body and taking my shoulders from a defensive position to a confident position where I roll my shoulders back.  I elongate my neck, relax my eye-lids but keep my eyes steady with a 'twinkle' that I learned while participating in Positive Affirmations.  I smile ... ever-so-slightly and say, "You, sir (pause) are an asshole."  I get a 'charge' from the moment after I deliver the words as I WIN.  Silence.  Game over.  And not only am I 'safe', I have effectively diverted attention from myself/my reactions, placed blame, handed down judgement as an authority, and created a back-door for myself to exit the discussion with very little guilt because I have entertained.  And when I say/call-out someone as an 'asshole', there's also that moment of shock because I THINK this word of others/myself, fantasize about telling others they are an asshole and talk about others to others by saying they are an asshole but I rarely, actually, physically SAY it to an other that I think is a jerk.  It's a Trump Card.

Continuing with Self-Forgiveness in my next blog.