This writing is a continuation of Day 27: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 2.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to see within myself as my mind negative meanings
and messed up pictures of others outside of myself as 'commitment'
and/or 'being committed'. I see that within myself as my mind that
'committing' oneself or 'being committed' does not only mean 'to
apply oneself within responsibility and dedication', it also means to
place oneself or to be placed by oneself against one's will into a
mental facility and/or a rehab center where one loses all of their
'rights' and responsibilities to/for their life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'commitment'
because I live in fear of it happening to me because within myself as
my mind, I see this as a real possibility in my life because I have seen, witnessed and heard accounts of threatening from those that I am close with to have
others that they care for 'committed' so that they could get control of the committed persons finances and life decisions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to associate/connect/attach/and create a
relationship between/of/with the word 'commitment' to images of another threatening to 'have <Name>' committed if <Name>
does not get themselves together'. I have not seen how this image has been burned into me as myself as my memory
within and as my mind, because this
statement was repeated over-and-over again - after the event is over, the repeat
continues when/as
<Name> is mentioned in conversation where the repeat flows as, “... <Name>
... Did I ever tell you that I threatened to have <Name>
committed?”, “I almost had <Name> committed.”, “<Name>
hasn't talked to me since I threatened to have them committed <part
shameful laughter>.”, “<Name> really should have been
committed, you know. I -know- that <Name> was on drugs and
they probably have AIDS too -- they looked just awful.”
I forgive myself that I have not
accepted and allowed myself to see that I not only allowed myself to
absorb this information but I also deepened and/or imbedded it
further within and as myself as fear because in this specific event
above with <Name>, <Name> had done a lot for the people I care for -
financially and as someone that we could 'count on' to assist us and
provide us with means from which to support ourselves (mostly with
interest, lol). Within myself as my mind, I solidified my fear of
the word 'commitment' with/within/as my fear because within myself I tell/told myself that “if it can happen to
<Name>, it can happen to me.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create and/or manipulate myself within as
myself as my mind a relationship of fear to another where and when I see this person in my physical world and my
memories of a picture of this person within and as my mind of them
sitting at a computer in boredom, plotting, pushing, and manipulating
their way into others lives as a means to gain control and/or power
over another - that this person could in fact, gain control and/or
power over me at any time that this person desires and/or sees within
themselves that I require to be committed and thus controlled if I
'mess up'. Further, this person has demonstrated that they will
repeat over-and-over-again, with a sly Ego smile, what they did,
their justifications/reasoning for what they did, and how they did it
within their mastery of the system to anyone that is present,
listening and/or obligated to listen as if to say, “Look at the
power over others that I have,” and then reasoning with words that
indicated they are/have doing/done what was required for anothers,
“Best interest.”
From here, I direct my Self-Forgiveness
statements from a point of structure and the realizations of myself
via the support of the Journey To Life Blogs, group and one-on-one
chats, and Eqafe Interviews.
Within this, I forgive myself that I
have accepted and allowed myself to NOT realize that my acceptance
and allowance of myself as being controlled and/or under the power of
someone or something indicates that I have already given up my
control and that I have already given over my power because if this
did not exist within me, I would not allow it. So, as I see this, I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a
relationship of blame and fear with another instead of seeing,
realizing, and understanding that this was simply myself
communicating to myself that I am not the director of myself in my
life - I live in a state of blame where I 'beat myself up' with
judgment and thus fear because I cannot trust myself to not abuse
myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to NOT realize that I have assigned conflicted
meanings to words from which to contain myself from being a living
expression of my words. I have not seen how this is another
layer/dimension of my self-entrapment that has been directly
reflected back to me in the way that I move from one thought to a
conflicting thought in my mind which I observe gets me no where and
changes nothing. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to not see that it will be impossible to determine what it is
that I in-fact want/need/require for myself to care for myself for
who I am as life if I do not remove the polarity from my thoughts,
words, and actions because if I do not, I will remain in a constant
Tug-of-War with myself. I have not seen that I must be vigilant and
be the director of my life at all times as it is self-sabotage to
give in and sell myself out to the pictures that I desire to have
within my mind and my world for a moment of energetic-experience-high
which does not last and leaves me empty - High and Dry.
Commitment.
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| Art By Andrew Gable |
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to ACCEPT and LIVE-OUT a pre-defined,
pre-determined conflict within/of/as the word Commitment where: If I
think, live, and communicate Commitment Positively as an
Agreement with another to stay Together which we accomplish via
Working with each other toward a common goal of Service as what's
important to each other by establishing effective Communications and
Actions that we can have a Positive Result and thus attain
Peacefulness, Tranquility, and Silence within. And/or if I think,
live, and communicate Commitment Negatively as Neglect,
Failure, and/or Non-Completion of my positively defined understanding
of Commitment as how I -should- be living Commitment via Comparing
and Judging, I will force myself into a position of Slavery to
another as I see myself as unworthy until I reach a point of
neutrality within myself where I tell myself that I do not care thus
creating a median between myself and another which I justify through
back-chat as them using, abusing, and/or taking advantage of my 'good
nature' from which I begin the process of Separation in my mind and
then my physical life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be/become controlled and/or caught in my cycle
of Commitment polarity conflict where when I am at the point of final
mental and physical separation as divorce or 'moving on' without the
other that I have made a commitment with, that I will allow myself to
go back into a Positive Commitment after a high-energy competition
fight with the other as a result of either winning or losing where:
If I win, the other has agreed to change or I think my way into
'feeling bad' for hurting the other and thus give them 'another
chance'. OR, if I lose, I become disappointed and angry with myself
for letting the other down/not living up to their expectations and
thus work on creating and changing into a Positive Commitment
Personality that I see the other as needing to be happy. Within
this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
see how I have been existing within/as this cycle - nor have I
allowed myself to realize and be honest with myself that I perpetuate
my Positive and Negative meaning/definition of Commitment by an
under-lying acceptance and allowance of fearing to lose my
high-energy experiences as my partner and I think, live, and
communicate pre-defined postive meanings of Commitment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to NOT see, realize, and understand that by
bringing my pre-defined meanings of Commitment into a relationship
with another instead of into a relationship with myself that I have
not allowed myself to place this point into a position of/from WHERE
I can see WHAT I am doing to/within myself and HOW I continue to
sabotage myself within my living expression of Commitment as an
additional layer of control/containment/enslavement of myself via
separation on ALL levels/dimensions of/within which I participate.
Messy. Messy. Messy.
Bernard repeated the same on chat the
other day. He nailed it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to desire my positive meaning of Commitment as I
experience an energetic high and because of my desire for this high,
I have not accepted nor allowed myself to see, realize, and
understand that I have sold myself out as I must also accept and
allow the negative meaning of Commitment in which I become empty and
looking for my next high. Within this, I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to become/be and live as a
mind-controlled and physically-controlled Commitment Addict as a
consequence of myself separating myself from the equation rather than
placing myself as Self-Controlled, Self-Will, present, and countable.
An addict will always be without ...
Another point nailed by Bernard.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react time and time again to the word
Commitment where I would become physically uncomfortable, have
movements within me, and/or have a fear rush. I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed a word to push my polarity buttons of
hope and fear rather than stop and realize that my life does not have
to be this way - that I do not have to be a pre-programmed robot that
responds to words as commands.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to live my life as a programmed robot without
question and/or allowed/forced myself to suppress questions because
those that were here before me made certain to establish themselves
as the Authority of me by using bullying and abuse until I gave up
and gave in.
During a chat with Maya H., she brought
up a cool perspective that I have kept with me for the last few weeks
of this process: Commit - Come Meet. Come meet yourself as who
you are.
When I consider this, I experience a
fear reaction in response to meeting myself as who I am seeing the
'who I am' as an unknown and thus scarey variable. Yet, YET within
the next thought, I become hopeful and positive that 'who I am' could
be someone awesome, amazing, and more that I am now -- dude, I could
be a super-hero-human as the light at the end of this tunnel!
After seeing this, I see that
additional self-forgiveness is required.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear who I am as indicated by my pre-programmed
physical fear fight-or-flight response because WHO I AM in the past
and at the moment, is/has been seen by myself and others as a threat
to our collective survival where if I do not act or live in a
specific, acceptable way in which I have been taught, then I am a
danger and not worthy to be in the presence of others. And within
seeing myself and/or being seen as a danger, there is a potential or
possibility for myself to be punished where my punishment is a loss
of others as an answer/consequence of/as the question, “If others do not like me, end up hating me, or
do not 'feel comfortable' around me, what will become of me and how
do I survive without them if they all gang up, unite together within
their distrust/hate/discontentment and all leave me?”
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to suppress, interfere, and to block myself from
myself by using shame, regret, and sadness against myself so that I
do not see, realize, nor understand from where in my life that this
fear of loss as punishment comes from. When I consider who I am, I
go back to when I was a child because I see this as a point of
reference to assist myself in understanding/seeing who I started as
before I gave up, gave in, and gave myself over to bullies as peers
and authoritarians as those who have been here longer than myself. I
do not and have not wanted to see who I was before and/or during
my programming because I judge who I was and what I've done as
evil, wrong, messed-up, unacceptable and weird from the outside of
myself through and as others eyes which then take back into myself
and hurt my self and my body with deep pain in response to becoming
ashamed and/or embarrassed. This suppression/trying to make myself
forget is dishonest because I am telling myself that this is 'not who
I am anymore' so I can 'move on' yet I continue to bring up these
shameful and embarrassing memories of myself as who I was to test my
Acceptable-Popular-Charismatic-Attractive Personality and to keep
myself 'in-check' so that I do not consider EVER going back there. I
have not seen how I have been using specific memories and physical
pain to keep me in fear so that I never see, realize, nor understand
myself nor realize any possible indicators of WHO I AM from WHAT I
WAS.
I forgive myself for accepting and
allowing myself to hope that who I am at the end of the tunnel is
super-hero version of myself where I participate with my Ego. As I
participate with my Ego, I am inspired by the possibility of
being/becoming more than human where what I am seeing as 'more than
human' is a human that can defy the laws of the reality that is here
by being invincible, protected by a divine/authority force of
goodness because one is SO PERFECT, able to stop aging, mold and
shape the body at will where I could say, “I want to be <this>
today!” and it's done, travel forward, through, and backwards
through time and dimensions, re-locate my physical body from one
point to another by simply /thinking/ about a point, and a bunch of
other things that have no practical reality at all. I have not
allowed myself see, realize and understand that these fantasies are
CLEARLY my mind's desires as they are a reflection of how my mind
moves. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting these thoughts
and thus accepting and allowing for the possibility of myself to
be/become a mundane, bored, depressed, empty, and miserable human
that does not make process and thus could be screwed for eternity.
New Definition of the Word Commitment
When I say, 'I commit', I am saying 'I
agree to live as this' where I am prepared to take on the consequence
of NOT living as my agreed upon words. So, when I commit, I must be
100% certain that I can live up to my words.
Commitment = The action of taking
responsibility for one's written and spoken words that one has agreed
to live and apply themselves to.
If I were to explain to my 4 year old
son what 'Commitment' is, I would say, “Commitment is DOING
what you say you are going to do.”
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