Day 95: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 8

Here I will be walking the Imagination of my Just A Kid Character.
For additional writings, self-forgiveness, and realizations of myself within this character, see:
Day 94: Journey To Life Review - Day 1 - Part 7
Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6
and Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5

Problem: In my imagination I see that see myself as very tiny - my partner and I have defined this as 'being small' where I experience myself as vulnerable, having little-to-no-voice and wanting to hide.  Within my imagination of myself being this way, I require a significant amount of nurturing because as I see myself as I imagined myself as a child, as Just A Kid, I will act this out.

An additional layer of my imagination with being Just A Kid is seeing myself as carefree, being able to play when I want to play, being able to do what I want to do when I want to do it because it is fun, and having moments where I just don't worry about anything.  From the memories that I created this imagination with, I will attempt to 'go back there' when I get overwhelmed.

Solution: Self-Forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitment for my imaginations within and as my Just a Kid Character.  Here I will be sharing my self-forgiveness and then self-corrections and self-commitments will be shown soon in following blogs.

Reward: Because I have become equal-to my Just A Kid imaginations with self-honest self-forgiveness, I will see my imaginations when/as I am attempting to activate my Just a Kid character, I will not react, and I will direct myself within my self-corrections and self-commitments to myself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself as small, vulnerable, having no voice, and wanting to hide behind/within the comfort of another that will protect, save, soothe, and/or comfort me when and as I am faced with a situation or event in which I experience myself as afraid or overwhelmed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my voice and my physical expression to that of a small child when and as I activate my Just A Kid character - my voice becomes small and whiny, I curl myself into myself, and I seek out the comfort and warmth of another that is bigger than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 'being small' to exist within and as me.  Instead of standing up, writing out the points that I am facing in a moment, prioritizing myself to complete tasks and/or clear myself of what I am experiencing as a burden that I 'do not want to do', and pushing through until I've reached a completion that I am satisfied with, I gave my power up because I told myself that I was 'not strong enough' or that I did not have the knowledge/tools/experience within a specific point to get me through.  And this is not true - this is simply me taking the bait of my thoughts and reacting because I see that it is easier in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I could go back and be who I was when I was a child - before I was required to do things 'on my own' without another to do them for me.  Because I accept and allow this imagination of myself which is a positive, feel-good memory of myself as a reaction to when and as I'm experiencing myself negatively and looking for a way out - I give myself permission to be Just A Kid - the kid that I imagined myself being that 'did not have to worry about this stuff'.  And as Just A Kid, I will find something fun to do and tell myself that I don't have to deal with it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I accept and allow the imagination of myself as being Just A Kid with the attached positive energy that I will try to become that - because it feels good.  And when I take the bait, I am both setting myself up for self-sabotage and living in the past and the future rather than here in the present.

The Consequence Dimension to follow.

Day 94: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 7

Posted on February 7, 2013

 

Here I am continuing with the Thought Dimension of my ‘Just A Kid’ Character writings on Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6 and Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5.

Thought Dimension
So – looking at the re-occurring thoughts that I will bait myself into the I Am Just A Kid character, I see:
“This is too much for me. WHY do I have to do this? WHY do I have to live through this?  Why must I make a decision? I am not equipped to deal with this.”  And from this point of fear and being overwhelmed, I will respond within/as/to myself, “Okay, okay, I don’t have to deal with this right now.  But I will – later.  Right now, I just really need to have some fun and not think about this.  If I forget about it, someone will remind me. Yes!  And if still can’t deal with this, someone else will deal with it for me – I never had to learn how to deal with this stuff … I’m just a kid and I’ll always be just a kid. Everyone knows that I’m not the most responsible person so they don’t expect much from me anyway …  I am okay with this!”

What is interesting here is that my actual living does not show this as Who I Am.  What has happened, in-fact, is that I am responsible for large groups of individuals – this is how I am living.  Which is the complete polar opposite of what I tell myself that I Am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bait myself with re-occurring thoughts into and as my Just A Kid character – instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that these re-occurring thoughts indicate that I am activating a character/personality, I allow myself to follow myself into my mind with and as my thoughts and thus activate and become Just A Kid as it’s easier to do this rather than face myself, look at practical solutions for my situation, and then direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thoughts, “This is too much for me.  WHY do I have to do this? WHY do I have to live through this? Why must I make a decision? I am not equipped to deal with this,” to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in the problem that I am faced with rather than directing myself within/toward a practical, livable, down-to-earth solution.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that my reward for myself within this is my freedom and independence which is something that I have always wanted for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepting and allowed myself to create my Just A Kid character for myself so that I do not have to experience myself negatively within/as being overwhelmed and fearing because I am faced with a situation that I, as my mind, have not given myself the tools to sort out effectively.  So that I do not have to experience this sinking, boxed-in, and trapped-ness, I create an experience of myself for myself that is positive as the Just A Kid Character.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and imprint myself with the positive, uplifting thoughts of, “I’ll deal with this later – I’m going to go have some fun right now to take my mind off of this.  If I forget, I’ve got someone to remind me!  And if I ‘forget’ again, someone else will sort this out for me!”

LOL – I rarely forget anything.  However, I have created and played this character so perfectly that those that ‘remind’ me and sort my messes out for me, believe that I forget everything.  Even though, when asked to recount situations/events, I can do so right down to the minute details.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and experience guilt for manipulating and using tactics of deception to serve my self-interest and to maintain my control of others ‘doing things for me’.  Within this manipulation and deception, I did not see, realize, nor understand that allowing myself and others to define me as Just A Kid limited me – I have limited myself from being able to make clear, direct decisions and have compromised my integrity. This is my consequence for not standing equal to myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that how I have been living in my world – within my survival system – is in polarity conflict with how I have been living outside my system of survival.  When in system survival mode, I take responsibility for large groups of others – I enjoy this and I do this with ease. Outside of my survival system, I am Just A Kid and this takes some effort and does not come ‘natural’ which shows me that I am intentionally sabotaging myself and keeping myself trapped so that I do not face myself, realize myself, see anything real as myself, and thus never be free as Life.

Next, I will be walking my Imagination Dimension for my Just A Kid Character

Day 93: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 6

Posted on February 4, 2013

 

Here I am writing out my ‘Just A Kid’ Character  from writings on Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5.

When I think about what it means to be ‘Just A Kid’, I see an image of a child that is happy, carefree, and has no responsibilities, obligations, nor commitments.  This is the kid that I wanted to be – which was an unrealistic expectation that I created early on in my life.  As and when I was into what is considered my ‘adult years’, I was angry, bitter, and remorseful that I did not have the care and worry free childhood that I had imagined for myself and so, when I was officially ‘an adult’ and could then make my own decisions, I decided that Just A Kid was how I was going to be.

Fear Dimension
I fear being an adult.  I fear losing the comfort and love from others who took care of me when I was a child because when when becomes and adult – that’s it, Game Over, you are now grown up and there will be no more childhood.  I have attached fear to the Words Commitment and Responsibility because if I were to welcome Commitment and Responsibility into my life it means that my childhood would be lost forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to being and adult.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being an adult because I tell myself that when I become an adult that I will lose comfort and love from those that take care of me, that I will lose my childhood forever, and that I am now on my own to make the important decisions in life with no one to blame but myself if I make mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach fear to the Words Responsibility and Commitment because I have aligned these Words to mean that I am out on my own, I am alone, my carefree days are lost forever, any mistakes that I make could have huge consequences, that I must work until I am old and almost dead, and that imaginary-play-and-fun-time is over.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have made my fears real for myself – the person that I fear becoming is precisely the person that I have become.  Instead of being self-honest with myself about this, I created the ‘Just A Kid’ character for myself to play-out in an attempt to not have to face myself.

Continuing with Thought Dimension in next entry.

Day 92: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 5

Posted on February 3, 2013

 

As I was reading over Parts 1 – 4 of my JTL Day 1 Review, I asked myself the question, “Where was it that I started telling myself that I am this person that does not make commitments?”

I remember when I was told that I was not responsible.  I remember this so clearly that I can still see myself, as a middle-schooler, struggling to write out the Words ‘Responsible and Responsibility ‘ for a writing assignment.  I remember that being told that I was not responsible really bothered me as this is not how I saw myself – the Word did not match up to the definition of myself that I had already accepted for myself at that time which was, ‘Just A Kid’.

So, I learned how to use this new Definition of myself as Irresponsible to my advantage and as such, I lived this Word out as per the world’s definition of the Word and would attach this principle of living to other living Words like, ‘Commitment’.   My world made this very easy for me to do because it’s generally accepted that one can be irresponsible and not live up to one’s commitment agreements.

In this world, we value individuality and free choice for one to be whatever is best for one’s own interests.  In my life I’ve seen us do unspeakable acts toward each other and it’s seen as ‘okay’ if it has been done with ‘good intentions’ or if a person is seen as a ‘good person’.

Having realized this, I can use my free choice to release myself from the memories that I’ve used to define myself and from here re-define myself as an individual that cares for myself and others by living responsibly and living my self-commitments.

The reward for myself within this is that I will no longer have to look outside of myself for confirmation that I’m doing okay and that I’m a good person.  I will take a great deal of pressure off of myself and no longer require myself to have to continually re-define myself to please or prove myself to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate the Word Irresponsible into and as myself and my living because a source from outside of myself that I considered an authority over me told me that this is who and what I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thought, “I Am Irresponsible,” to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out the definition of the Word Irresponsible as a response to myself listening to the thought, “I Am Irresponsible.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the Word and Meaning of the Word Responsible to the Words, “I Do Not Make Commitments – I Am Not A Committed Person – I Avoid Commitments – I Have Others That Take Care of My Commitments For Me”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative judgement of myself within and as my living as Irresponsible and Non-Committed.  I tell myself that a person that lives in this way is a ‘bad person’ that does not deserve the life that they have been given – so, bringing this judgement back to myself, I am telling myself that I am a bad person that does not deserve the life that I have been given.  Within this judgement of myself that I have attempted to separate myself from, I do not give myself the opportunity to see a mistake that I have made nor the opportunity to release myself from the obsessive/possessive thoughts, memories, and reactions to a mistake that I have made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself turn the negative about myself that I do not want to experience into a positive where I use that which I see as negative about me to get a positive result that is in my best interest.  Instead of changing myself so that I no longer am that which I see as not acceptable, I abdicate myself.  This is easy when in a moment where I am desiring to not have a negative experience of myself – however, within this, I do not see the long-term effect/consequence of me avoiding, justifying, and abdicating myself is that because I have given the power to make responsible decisions and commitments to another, I place myself at the will of another to to tell me who I am, what I am, what’s important, and what I stand for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine what an Irresponsible Person That Does Not Make Commitments acts, lives-out, and speaks as to make the playing of this character real and believable.  Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine the negative scenarios that I can encounter within which I can use this character to ‘get out of it’.  Time-and-time-again, when I have not been actually able to escape from the negative consequences of my actions by using this character, I have a temper-tantrum and blame everything and everyone outside of myself until someone steps in and takes responsibility for my commitments and/or cleans up the mess from my not taking responsibility for my commitments.  Instead of standing up and taking care of my mistakes, I expect others to do this for me as this is how I imagined it would be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically express myself as an Irresponsible Person That Does Not Make Commitments by making myself appear to be submissive to those that claim to have the ability to fix my mistakes – I show myself as vulnerable and helpless to this big-scarey-world by demonstrating insecurity, naivety, innocence, confusion, and mentally-emotionally unable/disabled/unstable.

Day 91: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 4

Posted on February 1, 2013

 

While looking at my backchat, I realized that the person who has made past threats to have others committed is someone that I always wanted to have on my side. When I listen to the stories that this person tells me about the people that they’ve won against, how they have used the system, and some of the levels that they have had to go to get their desired result, I think to myself, “Thank god this person is on MY SIDE – I do not want to get on their bad side.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another based on the stories that I have heard of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe what I hear of and from the mouths of others rather than investigating what I am hearing before making a directed decision to agree with or not agree with what’s being presented.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am safe if I have a dangerous, abusive, and immoral person on ‘my side’ because I tell myself that that person will stop at nothing, experience no guilt, and experience no consequence within protecting my self interest. Additionally, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a person that does not value the lives of others to stand in my place and represent me because I did not see myself as capable of standing up and being responsible for myself and my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world where dangerous, abusive, and immoral beings are given power because I have accepted and allowed a world in which I live in fear of.  I live in fear of what could happen here and I fear what I have and could become as a person that needs to survive here.  Because I fear the consequences of becoming dangerous, abusive, and immoral being, I allowed another to do the ‘dirty work’ for me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself  that I do not want to commit to anything or anyone here because I do not trust that what I devote myself to will not come back and ‘bite me’.  Because I have been in-fear of what others and anything outside of myself can ‘do to me’ and distracted by this, I have not seen, realized, nor understood that I must bring this point of trust back to myself – I must trust myself to do and live what is best – and within this, I am thus able to live my self-commitments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, see, and imagine that any of my self-commitments have anything to do with anyone else but myself – it is all me as what I can do to become a being that is actually living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for allowing another – who I was aware did not value the lives of others – to stand in my place, stand-up for me, defend me, and take responsibility for almost all aspects of my living.  When I consider what I have accepted and allowed, I experience guilt, remorse, and slow, deep painful fear reaction in my solar plexus.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the memories, guilt, and remorse for what I have done and the consequential outflows of my decisions.

Day 90: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 3

Posted on January 27, 2013

 

There is another meaning to the word ‘Commit’ which has come up again in my life as ‘Committed’ where others have said of me, “Can’t we just have her committed?” And it’s interesting that this point came up because I looked at this point specifically in a blog that I shared where, in the past, another has threatened to have another person in our lives ‘committed’ with the reasoning that they ‘can’t be trusted to take care of themselves’.

The reality is that this threat was made in an attempt to gain control over another because there was disapproval, disagreement, and our family-friend did not do as ‘they were told’.

This is something that I feared happening to me because if another were able to commit me, it would de-value me and say to the world that I cannot be trusted with the life that I have been given.  I would lose any ‘say’, I would be seen for the rest of my life as unstable, and I would no longer be able to make decisions that are best for myself, my family, and the other points in my life that are important to me.
I took it personal when another brought up having me committed – I mean, what if they could get away with it – what does this say about how they see me?  Do they really have no respect or value for my life what-so-ever?

And, how far would they go?  Does it end here with them saying, “Well, too bad we can’t have her committed …” and move on – or will they look for reasons, angles, information, and experiences that I’ve shared that they could use against me?

The fact is – I do not trust this system – I’ve seen weirder more irrational and WTF situations and outcomes happen here than clear, common-sense, practical situations and outcomes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I hear that another in my life asked the question, “Can’t we just have her committed?”  I took it personal, I became angry, and I asked myself, “How could they even consider doing this to me?”

See – if this person had been reading my blogs  they would have read about my walking my fear of commitment – they would have understood and not 'gone there'.

Lol – I’ve been here before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another to behave or be a certain way that matches how my ideal relationship would be with them within my imagination. In my mind, I see my ideal relationship with this person as being calm, supportive, reasonable, accepting, and reasonable – I imagine soft smiles, warm hugs, and each protecting, standing-up-for, and looking out for each others best interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed because another has not changed to become what -I- want.  Within me I have an expectation of myself that I must change others by changing myself and because of this, when others do not change to match what I imagine they could be, I experience a disappointment with myself for not changing them and a disappointment with others for not changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that others not changing is an indication that I am not changing – and thus, within believing this thought, I set myself up for an experience of being a failure within this I tell myself that I have undertaken an impossible task.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thought, “This is impossible.  Us human beings are never going to be able to fix ourselves.”  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this thought to exist within and as me.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that this is me as my mind giving me the opportunity to take the easy, lazy way out – because, after all, if I tell myself that it is impossible and if I believe and live within my decision to believe this, then I don’t have to put in much effort – alls I’ve gotta say is, “Why bother?” Shrug, and move on within my process at my own pace for my own benefit exclusively.

So, these are points that have come up within me in-relation to this side of of the Word Commitment.  What really needs to be looked at here, however, is my fear of being Committed, as being committed to a mental facility and losing my human right to make decisions for myself and my child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to tell myself that the ability to make decisions is my human right.  Because I believe this, I fear losing this and I fight for this – I wage war within and without to protect my ability to make decisions.  I do not see that this is me fighting for my individuality to protect who ‘I Am’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my ability to direct who I Am because I have created the belief that one who loses their ability to direct who they are is insane, deranged, crazy, irrational, psychotic, and anti-social.  Because I fear being seen how I see others who have lost their ability to direct themselves, I do not allow myself to let go of my control over myself with my thoughts, beliefs, imaginations, backchats, and reactions.  I fear that any change within and as me may lead to the embarrassment of losing my ability to make decisions for myself, my life, and my child.

I forgive myself that I accept and allow an imagination of myself in a straight-jacket or trapped in a mental hospital with my ass hanging out of hospital gown to keep me from changing and standing up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a picture/moving imagery of me that is not real, that has not happened, that has never happened, and probably won’t happen to have control and power over me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a negative experience of being lost, confined, trapped, frustrated, screaming, and pulling at my hair to the imagination of myself trapped in a mental hospital as a way to instill additional fear within myself so that I avoid changing within a moment to breath, not react, and to explore common-sense and practical solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the positive experience of humor and making-fun-of-myself to the experience of being lost, confined, trapped, frustrated, screaming, pulling at my hair, and having my ass hanging out as to separate myself from my fear and panic of imagining myself in this way.

Day 89: Journey To Life Review – Day 1 – Part 2

Posted on January 21, 2013

 

“I have never committed myself to anything in my entire life.”

This was the first sentence that I wrote during Day 1 of my Journey To Life blog.  I am still saying this.  I use these words and say these words to keep myself locked into my commitments.

When I am presented with a decision to live by my commitments or to not live by my commitments, I will go back into my memories and recall pictures of myself and others within experiences where myself and others did not live up to commitments.  I will show myself the sequence of events and look for the negativity as what myself and others did to each other that was ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ because we did not live up to our commitments.  When I find the negative, I experience a painful, sickening sensation in my solar plexus with which I then use my imagination to implant my assumptions into the scenario which make the situation much worse, more painful, and more dreadful.  I say to myself, “How could you have done this to that person?  How is it that you did not see how this could have hurt someone else?  What is wrong with you?”
The pain and guilt is so intense that I create a fear and I say to myself, “I can never do this again.  I must prove that I am not a bad person.”

So, when I consider not living up to my commitments, I will make myself do it with fear where I tell myself that if I do not stay committed to something that I agreed upon that ‘Bad Things’ are going to happen – people are going to get hurt, I am going to get hurt, and/or I will create another mess for myself to dig myself out of.

When I say, “I have never committed myself to anything in my entire life,” this is an expression of my fear, guilt, and self-inflicted pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the words, “I have never committed myself to anything in my entire life,” to exist within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to speak the words, “I have never committed myself to anything in my entire life,” and thus, because I speak these words that exist within me, I make these words real for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have never committed myself to anything in my entire life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I create a thought that I have never committed myself to anything in my entire life that this thought is true – that this thought is who I Am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a thought of Who I Am from my imagination within events, situations, experiences, memories, and/or scenarios.

When I was writing out the words, “How could you have done this to that person?  How is it that you did not see how this could have hurt someone else?  What is wrong with you?,” I saw a picture of others from my childhood past saying these words to me.   And then, I hear the voice continue and it changes to one person saying, “Don’t be stupid kid.  Think before you speak. Don’t you know how to use your brain?”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed others thoughts to become my thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to let go of my picture and words memories that were passed onto me by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the thoughts, “How could you have done this to that person?”, “How is it that you did not see how this could have hurt someone else?”, “What is wrong with you?”, “Don’t be stupid kid.  Think before you speak.  Don’t you know how to use your brain?” to exist within and as me.