Day 35: YOU, Sir ... are an asshole

I've been 'pointing fingers'. Blaming.  What I see as myself within this process of blame is myself not being honest with myself about my reactions.  When another outside of myself reacts to me, an other, an event, an environment, etc., I become physically uncomfortable - like, I'm stuck or in a survival situation that I cannot escape and within this, I panic and I allow my inner-dialogue to take over as such:

"I'm stuck with this person and this persons crap and I see NO way out.  Okay, breath.  Be present.  Do NOT let this person get you down.  I know what's right and what's wrong ... -I- am the one doing the work to stop my crap and so therefore, -I- am the one that's going to stop this person.  This jerk that's unwilling to take the time to do the work because they would rather sit around and play games/watch TV has no foot to stand on with me and thus they get no access to me as they cannot be trusted."  My physical defenses go up where I curl my shoulders toward my chest and use my shoulder as a 'block' while crossing an arm over my mid-section and holding on to my elbow.

Within this, I see that I have already established judgements of another based on what they are doing/saying or what they are not doing/saying and because I've allowed these judgements to accumulate within me via my inner-dialogue arguments with myself, I am ready to fight at any moment as I have already counter-attacked myself with 'Right's for every 'Wrong'.

This is where my 'YOU Sir ... Are An Asshole ..." Character can come into play. I like using this character because it is an effective mind-job.  My physical expression of this character is myself relaxing my body and taking my shoulders from a defensive position to a confident position where I roll my shoulders back.  I elongate my neck, relax my eye-lids but keep my eyes steady with a 'twinkle' that I learned while participating in Positive Affirmations.  I smile ... ever-so-slightly and say, "You, sir (pause) are an asshole."  I get a 'charge' from the moment after I deliver the words as I WIN.  Silence.  Game over.  And not only am I 'safe', I have effectively diverted attention from myself/my reactions, placed blame, handed down judgement as an authority, and created a back-door for myself to exit the discussion with very little guilt because I have entertained.  And when I say/call-out someone as an 'asshole', there's also that moment of shock because I THINK this word of others/myself, fantasize about telling others they are an asshole and talk about others to others by saying they are an asshole but I rarely, actually, physically SAY it to an other that I think is a jerk.  It's a Trump Card.

Continuing with Self-Forgiveness in my next blog.

Day 34: Please Don't Leave Me - Part 2

Here I am continuing with Self-Commitment Statements from Self-Forgiveness within Day 33: Please Don't Leave Me.



I commit myself to no longer allow my 'Please Don't Leave Me' Character to take control and/or direct me within my walking and living.  I see, realize, and understand that when I fear loss, I will accept loss as me and become it within and as my living.

I commit myself to becoming equal to my thoughts where instead of participating with my thoughts and allowing my thoughts to direct me, possess, and mold who/what I am, I commit myself to establishing an equal partnership to my Memory-Picture-Thought Play-Out in my mind.

Art By Marlen Vargas Del Razo

I commit myself to no longer accept or allow myself to integrate within and as myself additional mannerisms, behaviors, expressions, and judgements as personalities/characters - instead, I commit myself to directing myself within an equal and one partnership with my mind to deconstruct my existing personalities/characters and to remove the personalities/characters that are abusive.  Within this process of investigation, deconstruction, and removal, I commit myself to not judge what I have accepted and allowed myself to be as I see how I am self-sabotaging myself by responding/reacting to my inner-dialogue and outer-expressions with conflicting statements of 'what I should be'.

I commit myself to writing out my Character Suits that I see myself changing into from moment-to-moment.

I commit myself to stop denying myself as my fears from myself.  I commit myself to embracing my fears and thus embracing myself.

I commit myself to stop suppressing and denying my past with judgements and within this, I commit myself to an equal partnership with my physical body where when I have a fear reaction, as indicated by physical pain, I direct and move myself immediately to clear myself with self-forgiveness and thus become clear.

 I commit myself to stop the experience of shame - I no longer accept and allow myself to shame myself into guilt, remorse, and regret.  It hurts, it sucks, and it's abusive.

I commit myself to the enjoyment of myself and the enjoyment of my discovery process - I now see, realize, and understand how very cool it is to get to know myself.

Day 33: Please Don't Leave Me

Please don't leave me - I can change for you.  I can be anything and anyone that you want.

It's a very cool thing to type out the statement above and to hear myself as I have existed as my mind, communicate with myself.

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand how I have allowed my 'Please Don't Leave Me' character to direct me throughout my entire life because of my fear of loss, being left alone without another that I've come to depend on, and/or being rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts where I tell myself that I am not good enough, do not have the right personality, that I am not pretty enough, or that I am lacking in some way as I am not enough because my wants/desires are not manifesting in a way that I had previously anticipated/expected.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn new behaviors, mannerisms, and expressions of myself that I see, within my mind, as being required to become 'enough'.  I have compromised my self, time-and-time again and I continue to participate in thoughts that to act on these thoughts would continue to compromise/sell-out myself, my process, and my Journey To Life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to clearly see nor understand the statement, "All humans want to change." When I heard this statement, I assumed that all humans want to change for the better - for the betterment of life but what I did not see or realize is that us humans, within and as our minds, want to change for a better self-interested experience of life.  Change is a natural, normal function of ourselves and at the same time, we fear change ... Within this realization, I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see myself within my fear of change - I change from moment to moment, I denied this, and so I did not see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress/avoid memories of myself as a young child when/where I experienced being rejected for who I was.  Many adults threatened to leave me alone and told me that if I did not 'clean up my act' that they would abandon me, wish/threat/inflict physical harm/pain on me, leave me with people that did not love me where I would be 'worse off', take away/give away/break my toys, and/or isolate me.  I learned very quickly that adults eventually carry through on their threats at the point of which they have 'had enough' and thus, I would have to change who I was to be accepted, loved, and/or a part of their lives.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame for who I was before I started thinking/judging/changing and further, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to judge myself and experience shame for who I have been through the years and who I have become.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express my shame of myself of not being enough or the 'right fit' by forcing my body into a state of depression where I hurt myself with judgements and conflicting positive and negative emotions, feelings, and memories to the point where I, as my body, weeps, moans, screams out, and cries.  Because the pain is disruptive to my daily living and not acceptable/desirable to those around me, I suppress the depression and adopt an 'I'm Cool - I Got This Under Control' Character, recall any other character in my arsenal of personalities that will 'carry me through', and/or evolve myself into a newer, better version of my self to act out.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that how I communicate my fear of loss to myself as, "Please don't leave me - I can change for you.  I can be anything and anyone that you want ..." is my mind and myself as how I have accepted and allowed myself to participate with/in, showing me how I function.  I have accepted and allowed myself to express and live-out my multi-dimensional pre-programming as separate parts/realities of myself.  It is when I stopped, observed, and investigated myself that I was able to see/hear myself and get a clearer understanding of my mind and my physical living connection.

Day 32: If -I- WERE you ...

Opinions.

I have opinions.  I have been forcing my opinions on others and thus, accepting and allowing myself to consider and/or internalize the opinions of others that I see, at times, as being forced on me.  I have formed my opinions from memories as stored experiences from the past.  I utilize this stored experiences as a way to understand others, correlate their experiences with my own experiences, and then establish points of judgement.  Further, I will also use opinions to manipulate myself, others, and events depending on what character I am playing and what the self-interests of my character are in any given moment.

Dictionary Definition of Opinion:

o·pin·ion

noun

1. a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.

2. a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

3. the formal expression of a professional judgment: to ask for a second medical opinion.

4. Law . the formal statement by a judge or court of the reasoning and the principles of law used in reaching a decision of a case.

5. a judgment or estimate of a person or thing with respect to character, merit, etc.: to forfeit someone's good opinion.

Yes.  There it is: Judgement and A Personal View

Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, or understand that my opinions are thoughts that I respond/react to with an inner and outer dialogue where I converse with myself and others about my experiences that I have stored within me as memories.  I have stored these memories inside my body and attached these memories to Positive, Neutral, and Negative experiences.  I have not allowed myself to observe myself searching through myself for experiences from which I can communicate my understanding of myself and others from a point of Judgement - further, I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself that this 'understanding' of myself and others as myself is not real as my 'Judgement Calls' are never 100% accurate and that I am essentially Playing Hit-Or-Miss as a Psychic where I am searching for confirmation until I AM RIGHT and when I find that point of Being Right, I then give/force my opinion.  I commit myself to delete the Positive, Neutral, and Negative Experiences that I have stored within my body and within that commitment, I commit myself to remove and thus no longer play The Psychic or The Judge Characters.

When and as I see myself beginning to make a relationship connection between other's experiences and my own experiences, I stop.  I realize that what I am in fact doing at that moment is preparing myself to make a judgement from which I can communicate an opinion.  I see and realize that I have found a point of fear - fear of loss of myself as a character that I am seeking out confirmation for as being REAL and RIGHT and within seeing and realizing this, I direct myself and commit myself to become equal to and thus delete these characters with Self-Forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, or be honest with myself that each and every one of us has lived different experiences separate from each other - because we have lived our lives separate from each other and not in 'each others shoes', we/I can not fully understand another human beings experiences.  I have not allowed myself to see how working to understand another by walking them in MY SHOES, is a waste of time - I participate in this behavior because it is a distraction for myself and it allows me to beLIEve that I am manifesting my self-interests.  I commit myself to place myself in OTHERS SHOES by listening to others and not interjecting nor interrupting with my judgmental thoughts and self-interested opinions.  I realize that thoughts and behaviors are going to surface within me as I communicate with others and within that realization, I commit myself to be aware of my reactions while I listen to others so that I am able to investigate my reactions when the moment of conversation/communication has ended.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out my characters that are protecting my self interest.  When I am the 'I Am Right' Character, I cross my arms, narrow my eyes, and communicate with an impatience that demonstrates that I am 'trying to be patient with you to help you -- I am busy -- but I am setting this time aside for you so you better get this'. When I am The Psychic, I blur my vision and smile a 'knowing, cocky smile', I speak softly but directly as I give my opinion - I move my body in ways as to get the most attention and/or produce a hypnotic effect on the other that I am 'getting through to'.  When I am at the receiving end of an opinion, my physical acting depends on whether the others self-interest or character is stronger than mine: If the other character is stronger than me, I sigh, I fold my arms around me, I lower my eyes as if I am 'considering/internalizing' and I pretend to be be listening by locking my jaw and making steady-full-focused eye-contact periodically between 'considering' and nodding my head.  If the other character is weaker than my self-interests, I blow the other person 'off' - I roll my eyes, say 'whatever', and give a half-cocky smile and end with, "We'll see," in a patronizing tone of voice.  Within this realization that I am using these acts to hide what is that I am seeing but afraid to communicate, I commit myself to stopping the act.  When and as I begin to physically feel the fear inside of me during these moments, I breath my way through and I commit myself to be aware of the character but not participate with the character nor reacting as the character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be/become influenced by others opinions.  I have seen myself adopt others opinions as a means of survival where I tell myself that <this> worked for <that person> so I must make this my opinion as well so that I can be happy, satisfied, and as a double-bonus, the person that gave me their opinion will respect and love me if I can 'pull it off'.  Further, when I adopt the opinions of others, internalize the opinion, and demonstrate that I understand and agree with the opinion, I do not have to face my fear of loss - I do not have to live through the pain of being doubted, looked 'down upon', and/or being rejected/replaced.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the opinions of others because I do not want the person who is giving me their opinion to have to live through the pain of being doubted, being seen as being stupid, or being rejected/replaced - it is here, also, that I will allow and/or manipulate another into believing that I am following/internalizing/walking/changing as per their opinion even though I am not.  I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow opinions - from myself or anyone else.  In fact, I commit myself to removing the word OPINION - I no longer accept nor allow myself to live out the pre-defined and pre-programmed meaning of the word Opinion as I see that to live out this meaning is not in the interest of life. When and as I see myself forming an opinion to share with another or see myself accepting/considering an opinion from another, I stop.  I see and realize that opinions are self-interested judgements and thus, I do not participate.  When and as I am faced with my judgements and self-interests as Opinion, I realize that I am hiding a fear and thus, I commit myself to be aware of the points that come up inside of me so that I can investigate the core source as fear.

Day 31: You're JUST Like ME - I Trust You.

Trust.

I see that I have been trusting others when they first come into my life.  There are some that I trust immediately and some that I do not trust at all.  Those that I trust immediately are those that I am able to connect with via communication where if we have the same interests, behaviors, and/or personalities, I see myself in them and thus place my trust in them.  Those that I do not trust immediately are those that I am not able to connect with via communication where I do not see that we have the same interests, behaviors, and/or personalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust others who have not yet shown nor proven to me who they are and what they stand for.  I have not allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that what I am seeing of a person that I have just met is that person reflecting back to me what they see as themselves in me - this is not who they really are.  Despite the fact that over-and-over-again, others interests, behaviors, and/or personalities have 'miraculously and suddenly changed' from who and what I thought these people were, I did not allow nor want myself to see that this interest/behavior/personality change follows a pattern and thus should have been predictable.  I commit myself to stop trusting others until they have shown and proven over an extensive amount of time, that they are who/what they are and who/what they are does not change.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that the reason that I have trusted others and not wanted to see the pattern is that I WANT to trust others.  In spite of the fact that there has never been a human in this world that I have been able to maintain trust with, I still continue to look for someone to trust.  And trust, demonstrated in this way is not real because even though I want to trust another, I am looking for reasons NOT to trust them during the entirety of our relationship.  So, within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in a polarity trap of trust where I drive myself to find another that I can trust while at the same time, I collect reasons why I cannot trust another so that I am not able, in fact, to trust another.  I commit myself to remove myself from the 'I-Want-This-But-I-Fear-This' Polarity Trap.  When and as I see myself within the 'I-Want-This-But-I-Fear-This' Polarity Trap, I stop.  I realize that fear is not real - fear is created by me and for me and thus is me.  I commit myself to self-forgiving my fears and becoming equal and one with my fears.

Within this, I forgive myself that I haven't accepted or allowed myself to see that my need, want, and desire to trust another is need, want, and desire to trust myself.  I fear myself and thus distrust myself.  I commit myself to remove my fear of myself as my fears as a step toward establishing trust with myself.

Day 30: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 5

Continued Self-Commitments from Day 26: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 1,

Day 27: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 2, Day 28: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 3, and Day 29: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 4.

I commit myself to stop the guilt as a reaction to seeing that there are others that require to be cared before that I have ignored or are unable to assist at this moment.  When and as I become guilty for what I have not and could have done, I stop. I realize that this moment is over.  I self-forgive myself for the experience of guilt that I have accepted and allowed and I move to the next moment.  I see, realize, and understand that to continue to allow myself to be/become guilty drains me and changes nothing.  My experience of guilt is my own creation.

I commit myself to no longer be a character that looks for validation, appreciation, nor Love outside of myself.  So, within this, I commit myself to establish a relationship with myself where I validate, am grateful, and loving of myself by removing the memories, thoughts, and reactions that I constantly and continuously abuse/beat myself up and/or beat myself down with so that I look outside of myself to 'feel better'.  I commit myself to remove myself from this polarity cycle and within this commitment, I commit myself to establish trust of/with/for myself.

I commit myself to removing my self-created fears - I made-up my fears to give depth, purpose, and protection to/for my characters which, in the end, I found the 'protection' was never real nor was the 'depth' - and the 'purpose' was a lie as my purpose changes with each character.

I commit myself to slowing myself down so that I can communicate specifically and effectively.  I have come to see and thus understand that when I slow down, communication is faster/less time-consuming.

I commit myself to stop functioning as a word-processing 'auto-corrector'. I commit myself to stop correcting others and/or speaking for others when communicating in written or spoken conversation.  I see, realize, and understand that all are equally responsible for our words within written and spoken conversation. We are all equally able.

I commit myself to continuing to remove and/or not make any new distractions within my life at the moment.  When and as I am able/ready to test my character removal - I will consider re-introducing myself into specific environments that may bring out the character(s) that I am removing to test my effectiveness within Character Removal - I will see.

I commit myself to stop 'trying' - I commit myself to replace my 'trying' with ACTUAL DOING.  Within this, I commit myself to remove the words, 'I'm trying' from my written words, spoken words, and inner-dialogues.

I commit myself to walking within my seeing, realizing, and understanding that I only can 'determine' or decide when I fail and only I can decide to allow myself to react to what I am seeing as my 'being-at-fault' by 'falling'.  Within walking this, I commit myself to be aware that when I react with the fear of loss of myself as a Character that I 'thought I was' within any given scenario/environment, that this a flag-point for me to investigate within/without/as/of/from myself.

I commit myself to stop making up excuses and justifications for commitments that I have made that I do not want/desire to follow through with. When and as I over-extend myself within commitments that I have made, I commit myself to investigate and thus be self-honest with myself as to what I can or cannot physically do/not do and direct myself from that point.

I commit myself to no longer accept nor allow myself to accept pity, whining, bitching, or complaining from myself and others.  And within this commitment, I commit myself to investigate each point of pity, whining, bitching, and/or complaining that comes up within/without of myself.

I commit myself to stop the Manipulation Game that I play with others and within that, I commit myself to remove the strategic manipulation tactics that I create as thoughts in response to my fear of loss or fear that I won't get what I want, desire, or need.

I commit myself to taking back my power by taking responsibility for myself, removing my relationship creations, and building self-trust.

I commit myself to removing my Polarity Points/Buttons/Traps so that I am able to have the opportunity to give, receive, and enjoy life.

I commit myself to stop suppressing my  thoughts, feelings, emotions, and memories - within this, I commit myself to stand up, face, and become equal to my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and memories that I have been suppressing as a fear response to my not wanting to 'go back' to 'who I was' or 'what I was'.

I commit myself to grounding myself within my reality where I see there are NO superheros, NO superpowers, and there is NOTHING SUPERNATURAL. I commit myself to understanding the REAL NATURE of this existence - when and as I see myself as 'hopeful', 'inspired', and imagining possibilities of myself being enlightened, super, or of physical/mental/spiritual powerful, I stop.  I realize that this does not exist in my current reality and the fact of matter is that NOT ONE PERSON can bring about a world that's best for all and that for one of us to be a superhero, we must ALL be superheros. Until that day comes, I commit myself to working with what is here.

Day 29: Re-Defining Commitment - Part 4

Self-Commitment Statements and Self-Correction for Re-Defining Commitment - Parts 1-3

When and as I see myself avoiding commitments as a fear reaction to thoughts that I have allowed myself to participate with, I stop.  I commit myself to removing thoughts that I can react to in fear with writing and self-forgiveness.  Within this, I commit myself to walking through not only my conscious mind as my thoughts but also my subconscious mind as my internal-back-chat-conversations/reactions and my unconscious mind as my physical behavior.

I commit myself to no longer making-up/creating excuses for myself not taking responsibility for myself.  Within this, I commit myself to removing/deleting the characters that I have created within/for myself to hide behind, blame, become distracted within/as, and abdicate my responsibilities to.

By Matti Destonian Freeman

I commit myself to stop my reactions to words by investigating words that I'm reacting to with fear/tiredness as resistance by clearing myself from the polarity relationships that I have created, accepted and allowed to/with words with Self-Forgiveness, creative writing, and giving myself a re-definition of words that have no polarity that I can live with/as/for eternally.

I commit myself to being present within myself so that I am able to clear/stop my back-chat responses and internal conversations with Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction.

I commit myself to pop/remove my Self-Interest bubbles by looking at myself and my decisions/choices self-honestly where I stop myself from moving myself in directions that are in my best interest only and consider the consequences of the Self-Interest that I had wanted/desired.  From here, I commit myself to act/direct/move myself within/as decisions that are in the best interest of all that could be effected.  I commit myself to be/become a caring human for myself and others where I place myself as equal to myself and others by 'walking in our shoes'.

When and as I see myself as seeing myself as better off or worse off than others, I stop this value judgement that I have created for/as Myself as Money.  I commit myself to remove my judgements of myself and others as Money Value.  Further, I commit myself to removing myself from this Polarity Cycle of Better-Worse as it is clear that existing in this Polarity Relationship, as all Polarity Relationships, supports my Mind only and not all of me as equal.

I commit myself to not allowing myself to give myself over to my mind as I write, Self-Forgive, and Self-Correct, so, when and as I am writing and self-forgiving, I direct myself to stay on point, disciplined, and structured.  Within this, I commit myself to direct myself to go back through the Self-Forgiveness structure that has been given as well as to listen to Self-Awareness Steps for The Elite again and take notes.

Continued in next blog.