Day 23: Myself as a Diminished Version of Those Who Have Gone Before Me - Part Two

Here I begin the Self-Forgiveness for Day 22: Myself as a Diminished Version of Those Who Have Gone Before Me - Part One

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore others basic physical needs for protection from the cold and shelter because I tell myself that MY needs must come first.  I have seen but not cared that I have programmed myself to look out and/or attend to the needs of #1 - me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed and created myself to look out for myself and my self-interests before all else because I have allowed myself to learn from others, my world, and my thoughts that, 'no one is going to take care of me and/or put me first, so I must take care of me and put myself first', 'it's a dog-eat-dog world and all others will get eaten before I do', and 'I am responsible for me and no-one else'.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have used my responsibility for myself as a back-door out of my responsibility for others when I tell myself and communicate to others, "They will have to live out their own consequences." Where 'They' are those that I am responsible for because 'They' are physically and/or intellectually not-able/not developed to practically and realistically be responsible for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that other people, animals, plants, work-related responsibilities, household responsibilities, and all commitments can wait until I am done doing what I am doing, until I am done with what I had previously set out to do, until I feel good/better/productive in the moment, and/or done with whatever I have placed in my self-interested 'Value Queue' first. I have seen and not cared  that I will always create 'something else' that is more important for me to be doing as a means to avoid and ignore the fact that I do not and have not wanted to do anything for anyone/anything outside of myself that does not directly and mostly immediately serve my own purposes from moment to moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself functioning and living in this self-centered pattern/program/behavior from outside of my Ego.  I was not able to see the extent of the damage I have caused and continue to cause as a result of myself being completely and 100% 'caught up' in my thoughts as what has happened to ME, what has been/could be done to ME, how I could have changed others and specific events as to benefit ME and  how I can change ME as my personality, communications, manipulations, and physical appearance to get what I want/desire as an outcome for attention, recognition, appreciation, respect and/or advancement for the 'next time'.

Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the heavy weight of remorse and guilt upon realizing that I had 'messed up' via memories and pictures that I am walking, where within this state, I allowed myself to experience a nakedness and exposure without which I reacted with fear and insecurity within.  As I have continued to walk within this state, I have put my guard up as I wrap my arms around the front of my body throughout my day and avoid making eye contact because I see myself, at the moment, as a threat until I get myself sorted out.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry, fear, and feel obligated to others outside of myself who give me the 'I can see you're not okay and I'm worried'  feedback which I interpret as attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and feel obligated to others because I fear that I will lose them if I do not allow myself to show them that I am happy in their presence - I am aware of my commitment to myself to limit myself and within that awareness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider breaking my commitment to appease, please, relieve, and/or allow another to think/believe/have hope that their efforts are making me 'better' and 'happy'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I do not 'care' nor desire to demonstrate what I have defined as 'loving behaviors' as smiling, laughing, holding, communicating and/or attending to the needs of other people, animals, plants, or anything else in my world outside of myself unless I see there is a potential for MY loss.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted nor allowed myself to be aware of the fear indicators that I energetically inject into my physical body as anxiety, panic, and stress when I am in conflict with myself and another as/in Love - where, because I see myself as obligated within my Fear of Loss and thus hate, become spiteful, and blame the other that I LOVE, as backchat, where I tell myself that another is making me feel fear and thus making me change from being self-centered to having to focus on another.  Thus, seeing this blame and spite and bringing it back to myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that within my walking, writing, and self-forgiveness to understand what LOVE IS and what it COULD BE, that I am scared of losing myself as everything that I have created myself to be as a defense against the threat of realizing what real love is when I change from being self-centered within my mind to actually considering and living what is best for others as what I require equally for myself.

Continued in the next blog.
  

Day 22: Myself as a Diminished Version of Those Who Have Gone Before Me - Part One

This morning, I walked past my son's bedroom during my morning routine.  I noticed his blankets weren't on him and that he was probably cold or that he would become cold as he began to wake up.  This is no new occurrence, we all kick our blankets off when we're sleeping.  What made me stop and look at myself here was that in the past, when seeing another sleeping with no blankets in the cold, I would: 1) Ignore it.  My needs come first.  The other person can wait.  I will do what is that I have to do for myself first and IF I remember, I will return to cover their body, 2) Simply not care.  I would tell myself all kinds of justifications for not assisting another in the moment out of my desire to not want to give and spite.  I'm out for me, you're out for you - that person can take care of themselves.  Might as well toughen up now. And 3) I would stop and cover up the other person from the point obligation or a fake demonstration of my caring.  "See? I care for you! Really."  The obligation point would be based from memories of those that cared for me covering me up with blankets and how it made me feel protected, loved, cared for, and secure - they did it because they cared and so must I, even if I do not care.

So, back to this morning when I saw that my son should be covered, I stopped and slowed myself down within myself to watch myself as my thoughts and reactions.  I saw within myself those that cared for me covering me up and again, experienced that security and sense of protection and love.  As a child, I would have been able to discern whether or not the caring was real or fake and looking back within myself as a child I see that the caring was real without the justifications and excuses that I'm moving through myself.  Those that cared for me did so because it was simply required - no more, no less.  They were not trying to prove nor demonstrate anything.

I covered my son up with blankets, slowly and carefully.

I realize that I am a diminished version of those who have come before me and cared for me as I have allowed myself, somewhere down the line, to become completely self-absorbed, self-centered, and consumed by myself within my thoughts of myself.

Self-absorbed, self-centered, consumed by my thoughts - Interesting words here that further indicate the diminishment of myself.

In the blog to follow, I will begin writing self-forgiveness.

Day 21: In Love, All Are Replaceable (part 3/3)

Continuing Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction from: Day 19 and Day 20 of In Love, All Are Replaceable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope and have faith that a Soul Mate exists/existed for me 'somewhere out there' - I have told myself:  1) The perfect person will come to me, save me, protect me, and that we would live out our existence in this life, the next and the afterlife within our perfect, spiritual-Soul union/re-union.  2) That there is only ONE person/soul in the entirety of existence for me and that one person/soul would make me complete. 3) That if I waited, was patient, and did not look for my Soul Mate/Twin Soul that they we would naturally find each other as it was destined and pre-planned by ourselves that we would be together again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a polarity trap as a result of myself allowing myself to hope, believe, have faith, and to pray that there is Someone-THE ONE-Out There-Somewhere-Only For Me And Only Me For Them-Spiritual Re/Union-Twin Soul Mate-That Would Save Me-And All Would Be Balanced And Whole In My Life.  Where, I would go into each new relationship with the positive, hopeful idea that 'This Could Be The One', compare the relationship to what I had established in my mind as how I would experience myself when I 'found the one', and then become disappointed, graven, and see myself as a failure to myself and my soul because I did not have a mind-blowing, surreal, and religious experience that transcended me to the heaven's in white-light orb of perfect, spiritual-soul union.  When I was within this negativity for telling myself that I had failed/mis-directed myself, I would question myself where I went 'wrong' and tell myself that I must not be ready, that I was not yet worthy of this perfect love union, or that perhaps I was not one of those that are lucky enough to have a Twin Soul Mate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the 'Religious Experience' that I had when my relationship began with my current partner, was a complete Mind-Job that I created via YEARS of wanting and desiring a Close-To-God experience as a result of my finding The One.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as better, more knowledgeable, and as an example via my positive words and catharic physical expressions of/from/as A Person That Has Found Their Twin Soul Mate.  This projection of myself made me feel better about myself because I saw myself as giving others Hope that there was Someone Out There For Them and at the same time, it eased the doubt, disappointment, and uncertainty that I was carrying around with me that I did not in fact, find my Twin Soul Mate.  I have not seen until now how this was yet another game of competition where I would demonstrate and project myself as A Winner and Someone To Look Up To because the feedback from others would quiet my insecurities and satiate my Ego.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT be honest with myself and others that I in-fact, have had 'one foot out the door' during almost if not all of the relationship where I tell myself, almost every day, that this relationship is 'not right for me', is not working, and so I need to walk away or none of us - my partner, myself, those I care for - will not be stable nor have a chance to understand what Happiness Really Is.  I have not seen how I have sabotaged any potential of a life-partnership with another because of my unreal expectations that do not exist anywhere else but in my mind as my imaginations and fantasies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT see that because I have not been honest with myself about my unreal expectations that exist within my mind, showing myself as existing as judge and jury as back-chat, that I have continued to allow myself to blame my partner for ANYTHING between/within/as us/our relationship that does not go how I have told/programmed myself how it SHOULD go.  So, the truth is, when I tell myself and others that I am not blaming my partner anymore and that I am taking responsibility for myself, this is not self-honest communication.

I commit myself to removing the expectations that I have built up and layered within me that cannot be practically lived within this physical reality.

I commit myself to stop looking, scanning, and hunting for qualities, values, and ideals within others that could potentially match and/or co-exist with me.

I commit myself to stop presenting myself as my mind and physical body via verbal and non-verbal communication in a way that is specific to attracting many potential mates for myself to put 'to the test'.

I walk my self-commitments as follows:

When and as I see that I am extracting qualities, values, ideals and/or potential from others to determine if they are compatible with myself, my qualities, values, ideals, and/or potential that I see as being myself within/as of my mind, I stop.  I breath.  I realize that anything that I tell myself that I am/SHOULD BE based on how I am currently existing as memories, thoughts of myself, and judgements, are points that I am required to walk with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction.  Thus, instead of ACTING on that which I have allowed myself to become as a living expression of myself, I direct myself to stopping the act and to walk through the thoughts, memories, fears and judgements that I have created the act FOR with self-forgiveness and self-correction.

Day 20: In Love, All Are Repleacable (cont.)

This is the self-forgiveness and self-correction for Day 19: In Love, All Are Replaceable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have not been honest with myself in relation to love and being in a relationship.  Somewhere, somehow, I got this idea and this picture in my mind of myself in a physically affectionate, eternal bond with another that would separate and protect myself, my partner, and those that I care for from anyone or anything on the outside of ourselves.  From this, I can determine that I am seeing other people outside of my immediate life, as a threat that can be protected against with strength in numbers where the numbers can be strengthened by love, affection, and bonds.  Where I have not been honest with myself within this allowance of myself to become bonded, is that this is something that I really do not want for myself.  So, I am and have been living in this polarity where I am wanting my idea of a perfect relationship inwhich I am bonded and secured while at the same time, I want to break out because I see myself as tied down, restrained, and not able to explore myself and my world as freely as I see others who are not in a bond with another.

So, what do I really want here?
AND, IF I knew what I -really- wanted, can I trust myself at this point to move in a direction that is best?
I'm seeing that before I make any move, that I have to get rid of my ideas, pictures, reasons, justifications, fears, feelings, and emotions from both sides that I've allowed as I've placed negative and positives on being in a relationship and not being in a relationship.  I've been doing this for a VERY LONG time.  Enough is enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as being tied down by my relationship attachments:  This tied down by attachments is a physical-feeling picture where the attachments are like stringy, stretchy tendons that cover my entire body where I fight and struggle to see and breath as they hold my naked physical body to the ground.  I have not seen the hell that I have placed myself in by seeing myself held in this way.  Within this honest admission to myself, I see that the only solution is my process I walk with Desteni where if I self-forgive and continue to walk with the group, I can get up, be clean from these surreal attachments, walk, and enjoy the air that I breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that if I am not able to make time everyday to self-forgive and thus rid myself of these attachments that I see as binding me to the earth, that I will never be free.  I get angry, I get agitated, and I get bitter because I am blaming my partner, those that I take care of, work, and all the other distractions I have for myself not being able to release myself from my self-created mess.

I forgive myself that I have have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my acceptance and allowance of myself of being bonded, attached, restrained, and/or unable for ANY REASON outside, inside and/or alongside myself is strengthening my bond to my surreal hell - because I ALLOW IT to.  I have not seen, realized, nor understood that if I continue to allow this version of myself to exist and continue to see myself as a victim of my pre-Desteni choices and decisions, that I will continue to BE a victim.

I commit myself to stop myself from victimizing myself.

When and as I see myself as being attached to anything or anyone outside of myself, I stop.  I breath.  I realize that the attachment I have created is something that I have made up in my mind that I communicate to myself as a surreal Gieger-esque picture so that I will fear of myself existing this way and thus fight against it.  I realize that it only takes ONE MOMENT of BREATH where I decide that I am LIFE and thus, I no longer accept this mind-physical attached version of me as me as it is not me as life.

When and as I see myself desiring to be free from my commitments and my responsibilities as indicated by my blaming others and/or my back-chat, I stop.  I breath. I stop my back-chat.  I understand and am clear on the fact that blame gets me no where - I have been walking this.  Within this awareness, I see that the limitations I live are the limitations that I place for myself - I see this in myself and I see this in my world.  Thus, at this moment, I commit myself to a practical solution of observing the points in which I have placed limitation on myself, bringing these points of limitation of myself back to myself and testing the equality of myself within/as limitation - when I do this, I commit myself to removing the limitations that have no potential for supporting myself and others.  As I remove that which is not supportive, I continue to walk and test the limitations that ARE supportive for myself and others.  Within this re-direction of myself, I remove the polarity from myself as being 'free' or 'not free' by living and walking that which is required to support myself and others - no more, no less.

 To be continued.

Day 19: In Love, All Are Replacable

I see that I am bitter about love.  When I read the words that I have written and watch myself talk, it becomes clear that because I have allowed myself to love I have tied myself down with all of these strings of attachment.  What I want for myself, at this moment, is to come and go as I please and the fact is, it's never going to happen.

I had a religious experience when my partner and I got together - it was intense.  It's that Soul Mate/Twin Soul stuff that we read about and program ourselves to look for where we just 'know' and when I was with them, I felt closer to God in this auric white-blushish moon-like bubble.

Looking at my starting point as having found my Soul Mate in Love and looking at times when we've discussed severing the relationship, it kinda debunks the whole 'Soul Mate/Twin Soul' thing.  It debunks the statement: you will know when it's time.

Love is the elusive carrot dangling before us...  I had it worked up in my mind of how great my life was going to be once I got my carrot.  When my life didn't play out with my Soul Mate how I had imagined in my mind, I became disappointed and angry and my reaction was to place blame and to go through the countless amounts of justifications and reasonings of why it couldn't' work.

Another point I've noticed about myself is that I've got all of this information rambling around in my mind as thoughts and reactions where I tell myself what I 'should' be doing based on what I'm hearing, seeing and have been telling myself as what would be best and within my awareness of this information, I'm battling out with myself in my mind as/with others every day.  I see that I have not changed as I am still taking what I hear as personal by analyzing others statements, breaking communication down, and extracting points that I can use to separate myself from others as I judge myself, beat myself up for not being a perfect match for another, and tell myself that others are manipulating, lying, deceiving, using me and feeling sorry for me so that I put up my physical defenses and close myself off.

I see how I keep myself a prisoner in my mind under complete lock-down.  I see that within this that I will never be able to express myself and give of myself openly to myself and others until I can stop my thoughts, fears, and judgements.  I see that it is pointless at this moment to consider redefining love for myself because it would just be another piece of information to throw into the mix of my mind.  The road ahead on the journey to life looks looooooooooooong and winding from here.

 Self-forgiveness to follow and maybe a vlog when I have a moment.

Day 18: Fear and Love Are the Same

This week I have been walking some points in relation to the ups and downs that I experience while in actual and imagined physical sexual relationships with another.  It was a crazy time within myself - there were moments when I experienced my insecurity lows so intensely that I became completely possessed by and obsessed with finding anything or anyone outside of myself from which I could get a positive high.  Getting a positive high is easy for me as I have created a social network from which I can get my positive energy high addiction needs in any moment.  The highs never lasted and in the end, nothing had changed - from my high, I would go right back into a low of self-doubt, distrust, assumption, rejection, and unworthiness.


It was quite a shit-storm I've been walking.  And I had committed myself to seeing it through and thus seeing myself as who I have been and what I have been accepting and allowing myself to create and participate in. As I began my journey, I was scared as I had seen consequence as a 'bad thing' that must be avoided at all costs.  I'm glad that I did not avoid my consequences.  I am glad that I pushed myself to walk myself within myself as an observer of myself as I use my mind as a tool from which I can understand my starting points within the relationships that I create - the Eye Twitching Interview became available at a perfect time and I strongly suggest this series for any of us walking our relationships with others.

So.  Half-way through my process of getting caught up in what I had defined as 'Love', with the extreme highs and lows, I was pacing, distracted, and struggling within my body with pain, anxiety, frustration, ego, ecstasy, and excitement, I forced myself to the computer and began to write self-forgiveness.  As I was pushing through the reactions as emotions and feelings, it became clear to me that the sensation of 'Love' that I was experiencing within my stomach and parts of my body are the same sensations that I experience when I am startled, begin to panic, am faced with a phobia, or become intensely fearful.  From this realization, I continued to test this 'Love' sensation and compare it with the 'Fear' sensation.  And there was never any differentiation between the two.

It became clear: Love, as I have defined it, is not happy, wonderful, blissful thing.  Love is a fear reaction.  Suggest testing it for yourself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT stop and slow myself so that I could see and understand that my physical reaction that I have accepted as love is, in physical fact, the exact same reaction that I have when in fearful, scarey, phobic, and/or panic situations or events.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that a fear reaction 'must be love' because it is accompanied by positive energy highs and negative energy lows which I have equated to 'being in love' via my self-accepted programming from TV, movies, books, and observing others within my physical world who I have witnessed within this 'love' experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself become energized and excited by the flushed faces of confused, vacant, numbed, surreal and/or elated fellow human beings who are within this cycle of high-low love and thus desiring the experience for myself so that I can become what other human beings are when in love.  I have not allowed myself to see the price that we humans pay in tears, self-doubt, distrust, and physical pain so that we can have a moment of ecstasy, numbness and the surreal experience that assists in our acceptance, allowance, and beliefs of this reality not being real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use love as a means to separate and distance myself from this real, physical world.  When I am within my self-interests and within the high-low cycle of love, I am not seeing what is here - I am in my mind as thoughts and fantasies and in my body as fear.  I have not seen that as long as I continue to allow myself to not be present because I am thinking and fearing, the longer it is going to take me to understand and stand as/for what must be done as a solution for life.

It is quite cool that I can look at Love as I look at Fear as we Destonians are looking at, facing, and taking on our fears every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become fearful within my relationships with others because I am afraid of losing others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing myself if I lose others because I have allowed myself to tell myself that I am rejected, not wanted, not desirable, not good enough, and not worthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misuse and abuse the word 'Love' where if and/or when and as I hear the words, 'I love you' from another, I equate this to myself as being accepted, wanted, desired, secure, and/or special which is only a temporary solution for my fear of loss.  I have not allowed myself to slow myself and see that my fear of loss continues to linger, quietly in the background within my mind where I am required to be soothed over and over over and over again with positive feedback as what I have defined as 'loving expressions'.

When and as I see that I am considering placing myself within a high-low fear-love experience via a relationship that I have created with someone or something outside of myself, I stop.  I breath. I sit. I self-forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to create for losses that I can fear.

When and as I identify my fears of loss, I write and/or speak my fears of loss with self-forgiveness statements and self-correction - I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to walk with, through, and thus out of my previously programmed definitions of love so that I can discover what love practically and eternally is as can be lived for/from/by my self. 

Day 17: In-Spite of Myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become scared and confused and thus become irritated and emotional.  I have not been honest with myself that I am scared to be alone with myself.  I have not been honest with myself that I am confused within myself as to WHY I am scared to be alone with myself and continue to seek out attention as a means of gaining positive feelings from others outside of myself – WHY can’t I be content, calm, and stable within myself as myself as here, as nothingness? 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become mad at myself for not allowing myself to simply be here with myself as my physical body where I am seeing that instead of taking moments to get to know myself within and as myself as physically here, I give in to my urges and desires to ‘keep on moving’ or to be doing ‘something else’.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use myself as my physical body for ‘fun’, something ‘different’ from my everyday experiences, and as a means to express my appreciation/gratitude for others accepting me and/or giving me what it is that I tell myself that I require to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get rid of all of myself as my mind, my body, and my personalities so that I do not have to face myself – I just want myself to GO AWAY.  Because I do not ‘just go away’ and I have to work with myself within the agreement I have made with myself to do the work required so that I am effective and do not have to be removed, I become spiteful.  And within that spitefulness, I sabotage myself with words and emotions of hate and revenge as my Ego – how dare I reject myself as my mind? How dare I deny myself fun and good feelings?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself the attention that I require to be stable – instead I have given my attention to others and other things and within that, I have allowed myself to get caught up in a positive/negative energy trap because I was bored – bored with myself, bored with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, in any given moment, that I would fall/fail.  I did not and have not realized that to fall while I am walking would mean that I wasn’t watching where I was walking OR that someone else wasn’t watching where they were walking and I would get angry and annoyed at them for tripping me up – since I am taking responsibility for myself,  there is no blame allowed and all blame can be directed back to myself within self-forgiveness.  Further, any moments where I wasn’t present within my walk, I can bring back to myself in self-forgiveness, study myself, see myself self-honestly within/as my self-forgiveness and stop.  I forgive myself that I did not allow myself to see that at ANY moment, I can stop and re-direct myself via writing and self-forgiveness. Yes.

When and as I see and/or begin to experience restlessness within my physical body and imagination/scenario curiosity and wanderings as my mind as boredom, I STOP and I BREEEEEEEEEEATHE.  I slow myself down.  I ground myself to my physical world with both feet. I bring myself back to myself, equal and one with myself as myself, my mind, and my body.  I ask myself as my mind and my body questions: Do I have excess energy to get rid of as my physical body? Why? Why not? If no, what is it that I am working on distracting myself from as myself? What is the resistance here?  What do I not want to see in myself that I’m looking for outside of myself?  I continue to bring myself back to myself within/as/from questions for myself that are answered for myself as all as equal to myself until I am clear, satisfied and able to re-direct myself from an experience of boredom to a solution that is best for all of myself as equal.