Day 64: I Have Lost All Respect For You - Part 2

Can I Walk Away In My Next Breath - By Andrew Gable

This blog is a continuation from Day 63: I Have Lost All Respect For You.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear any changes that I must face if I lose respect because I have defined myself as respectful.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to that which is separate from me within and as respect and believe that if I were to lose respect/if respect were to go away, that a part of me that I have separated myself would go away.  Thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to what myself (within separation) and others have defined, believed, expressed as 'being respectful' and within this, I show and tell myself that if I were to lose respect by not 'following the rules' of the definition, that I would lose others that I have connected myself to in my world, that I would lose their support, and that they would go away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in placing myself within and as others as MY beliefs, opinions, thoughts, back-chats, knowledge and information in relation to respect, how to get respect, and how to maintain respect - where if I were to let these go, I would go.  I would disappear.  Others would 'let go of' me, I would disappear from their world and thus, I would 'have to let go' of others and they would disappear from my world - I do not like this because I am not in-control of when, when, or how it happens and I can't have that -- I must have control of myself and my relationship with others in my world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to try and control others in my world because if I can control others in my world, I know that I am in-control and nothing - not myself, not others, no one-thing has to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and use characters paired with fear of losing respect as methods of control to keep myself and the human beings in my world as I want us to be, so that I can make sure that I do not have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might lose part of myself if I change - within this, I have self-sabotaged myself with fear of losing respect of myself and from others as an excuse and justification to not self-support myself to write-out, self-forgive, and self-correct myself to change my character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect == 'losing part of myself' as my characters and other human beings as the supporting characters in my world if I change == to Fear.  And thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my own fear of losing respect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing myself to a being that assists and supports myself with writing, self-forgiveness, and self-correction to be/become responsible, self-trusting, expressive, humble, and having self-integrity will be difficult, painful, hell, tiresome, and lonely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect == 'changing myself to a being that assists and supports myself with writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction to be/become responsible, self-trusting, expressive, humble and having self-integrity' == to Fear because if were to 'let this fear go', I would remove a back-door for myself to not change.  And thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my own fear of changing my character.

Continued in my next blog.