Day 198: Living and Being A Part of Life

I forgive myself that have not accepted and allowed myself to see and be a part of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have in my mind created this belief, idea and fantasy that life is this wonderful, beautiful, and peaceful kind of existence that is currently separate from me and is 'somewhere out there' waiting for me to become good enough or to achieve something special in order to see and be a part of life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I cannot see nor can I have access to life. And within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that it has actually been my decision to not see, have access to, and be a part of life because I have chosen my mind life over real physical life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that life is here and that in order to see life that I must take the time to look, research, investigate, and self-educate.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be and live life because I have been physically uncomfortable with life, I have feared the unpredictability of life, I rarely find joy in life, and I generally have not liked life at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and live life as a series of unpredictable negative, positive, and/or neutral experiences, events, and things that are coming at me from outside of me - where I have wanted no part of the things that I have seen as negative and have been mostly cool with anything positive or neutral.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only want to live life and be a part of the things in life that I have defined as positive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have tried to ignore life when and as I see or experience something in life that I have defined as negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wanted to remove myself from life when I have seen or experienced life as negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not understand what Here is - and to not understand what directing self here in breath actually entails. And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that being here and being an active participant with life and directing myself according to what is best for myself and others - no matter what comes up - is living. 

I commit myself to see life and participate with life.

I commit myself to always remind myself that life is not something separate from me 'somewhere out there' and I commit myself to stop seeing, living out, and having a relationship with life in my mind.

When as I see that I am believing the idea that I cannot have access to life or that I am telling myself that I cannot have access to life unless something happens or I become something else that I currently do not see that I am, I stop and I breath. I realize that I am not locked out life and that life is already here and around me. I realize that to become life, I must participate with life, learn from life, and see myself as / become equal-to life.

I commit myself to stop limiting myself with ideas and beliefs that I've manufactured in my mind about life and myself becoming life by allowing myself to let go of my preconceived ideas and beliefs about what life is and opening myself up to see life, be apart of life, and learn about life.

When and as I see that I have become physically uncomfortable with life - what's happening in my life and what's happening globally with life, I stop and I breath.  I realize that me being uncomfortable is me simply not having any previous experience with what's going on and instead of going into resistance or ignoring what I don't understand, I direct myself to investigate and understand.

I commit myself to see the gift in situations or moments where I experience being uncomfortable and utilize this as a flagpoint for something to research, investigate, and understand.  Within this, I commit myself to specifically see and understand how these points are in-fact a part of me and so bring these points back to myself.

I commit myself to no longer gravitate to the positive and ignore the negative - this includes any preconceived ideas and beliefs I have about life, what life is, and what life should be.

I commit myself to stand and be stable with and as life by understanding what I am facing and always looking for and testing out potential solutions.

When and as I see that I am wanting, desiring, thinking about, and/or wishing that I was never here and/or that I am no longer here, I stop and breath.  I remind myself that choice is an illusion which is proven by the very fact that I did not choose to be here - however, I am here and I commit myself to create the best possible life for myself and others while I am here.

I commit myself to be a part of the process of removing the old - the world that no one should be born into - and being a part of realizing and making real a world where any one would want to be.

Day 181: My Story With New Age Spirituality

I was born in 1971 in a Catholic family. My mother was not married nor in a relationship with my father so the family priest would not Baptize me. My grandfather would bring me to church on Sundays where I would participate in all parts of Mass with the exception of Communion. I grew up being told that our family priest said that I was a 'bastard child' and from this I determined that I was tainted and that I would never be worthy enough to be a part of the Catholic community. I also believed that God, most likely, saw me in the same way as the priests and the Catholic community did because when I prayed to God to relieve some of my suffering, nothing ever changed – in-fact, my existence continued to progressively worsen throughout time.

From the get-go, I saw in my external world that I was not supposed to be here and yet, I was here. This didn't make sense to me so I attempted to accept that my existence was an accident and within this this suppress myself which created mental, emotional, and behavioral instability. As I entered my teens, I was hungry to understand why I am here, why there is suffering, abuse, and pain, and what I wanted to know most of all was: How do I control this? How can I create a better existence for myself? And if I can't control or change this, how do I get out of here?

Given my age, that I depended on my parents, where I lived in the world and the time that I grew up in, there were very little resources available to me for research. I would devour any metaphysical material that I could find. I remember visiting my grandmother and finding an encyclopedia that contained a section on psychic studies and phenomena – I would study the pictures and read the text over-and-over again. I also found a book about witches, vampires, and demons at my school library that I studied and found that even though I feared the beings that I was reading about, I wanted to align myself with them because these beings represented me and the potential of me – they were here and they had the ability to change what was here - in-spite of the church, God, and all of the others around me that I saw as having normal, happy lives.

For the next 25 years I continued to expand my understanding of existence – I had my own little library and could give perspective on many topics in regards to New Age material and Spirituality. I have put into practice many of the topics that have been placed beneath the heading of New Age and Spirituality – some of these applications aligned with me and some of them did not – I would let go of what did not work for me and keep what did work for me until I'd essentially created my own religion which was an accumulation of my beliefs and practices that attempted to explain why I am here, allowed for an illusion of control and change, and gave me something to do, distract, and entertain myself with.

Regardless of the amount of information, knowledge, and experience that I had accumulated and integrated, I was never satisfied with what I found and I was always on the look-out for something more or a detail that I may have missed. Which, interestingly enough, is how I found Desteni and where my search for self, understanding, and purpose both ends and begins.



Over the next few weeks, I will be going into more detail and specificity in regards to who I was as a New Age Spiritualist, sharing some perspective and self-forgiveness, and showing what's changed as a result of my participation with Desteni. I may even share a few reeeeeeally creepy Ghost Stories – so stay tuned and let's see what comes up!