Day 202: Beliefs About Good and Evil and My Loss of Morality

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the way the world functions is the opposite of how I have come to believe it functions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that positive thoughts and deeds - the good and the righteous - are rewarded in this world. And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the negative thoughts and deeds - the bad and the evil - are punished. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that evil attracts what I have placed a lot of positive value in - like, money, control, power, and safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in things that create the worst possible consequences and have placed less value on things that create the best possible outcomes.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to put 1 and 1 together when I have heard that 'money is evil' and that 'like attracts like'.  

On the same note, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that in homeopathic terms with 'like cures like' and how money is attracted to evil - that the initial cure for evil is money - where all must be provided with money in order to begin the healing process.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the depth of the meaning of these Words -> this world and the systems that exist here are a direct reflection of ourselves. 

I have come to realize that this world, how it is set up, and the beliefs about what life is and what it should be are who we are. This is why we have not questioned it, why we have not taken responsibility for it, and why we have not changed it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not evil and that I am separate from evil and those that do evil in the world.

And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that the key to me seeing that everything is the opposite of what I have believed it to has always been right here in the very Word Evil - which is Live spelled backwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in polarity between myself as my mind showing me the truth of myself as Evil and my beliefs supporting the idea that I have been Good.

I forgive myself that I have fragmented my mind in my pursuit to see only the good and righteousness in myself, others, and the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a Spiritual Personality where, within and as this personality, I attempt to live out my delusions of myself being good while seeing all others as bad or at fault. All the while, I have secretly known my actual nature and how I have been the one at fault - and I have feared this being seen or exposed. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as good when I do the good things that I have learned and/or have come to believe are good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as evil when I do things that I have learned and/or have come to believe are evil.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out my relationship with Good and Evil that I have created in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that there may be something for myself and this world beyond the confines of good and evil. 

And I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the potential to create and move on this because I have been entertained with this Good and Evil play-out and have found comfort in how it has gone unchanged.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my attempts to be Good, as per my accepted and allowed pre-definition of Good, has all been in separation. Where, I have only acted on self-interest within the belief that Being Good will make a positive impression on the things and people that I have seen as more powerful and/or the authority of myself - and that this Good Impression will result in positive rewards for me. Within this, I have imagined that I am appreciated, respected, and that I will receive Good Things In Return from my others and the external world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the negative polarity of 'fuck it', going head first into my Evil nature, and wanting do everything in my power to harm or create problems for others upon the realization that my whole life and my desire to do good by others has been a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me not getting anywhere with them - for my efforts that have gone unseen, unnoticed, unappreciated and unrewarded. As if they did this to me, they are the Evil one, and they are the enemy. 

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed this blame to fuel my already suppressed anger to the point where I am completely consumed by rage. And because I suffered from a loss of self when I lost my morality, I considered for a moment to embrace being evil and doing the things that the most evil people in this world do and benefiting from those actions - because no one cares about me so why should I care about them? 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and go into guilt and remorse after the energy had disapated and I was able to see my starting point and the decisions I had made from that starting point of fear and anger.

I forgive myself that I had not allowed myself to see that what I showed myself about myself was absolutely necessary for me to understand myself and my responsibility for why this world is in the state that it is in - and within this, what is required to be changed.

Day 181: My Story With New Age Spirituality

I was born in 1971 in a Catholic family. My mother was not married nor in a relationship with my father so the family priest would not Baptize me. My grandfather would bring me to church on Sundays where I would participate in all parts of Mass with the exception of Communion. I grew up being told that our family priest said that I was a 'bastard child' and from this I determined that I was tainted and that I would never be worthy enough to be a part of the Catholic community. I also believed that God, most likely, saw me in the same way as the priests and the Catholic community did because when I prayed to God to relieve some of my suffering, nothing ever changed – in-fact, my existence continued to progressively worsen throughout time.

From the get-go, I saw in my external world that I was not supposed to be here and yet, I was here. This didn't make sense to me so I attempted to accept that my existence was an accident and within this this suppress myself which created mental, emotional, and behavioral instability. As I entered my teens, I was hungry to understand why I am here, why there is suffering, abuse, and pain, and what I wanted to know most of all was: How do I control this? How can I create a better existence for myself? And if I can't control or change this, how do I get out of here?

Given my age, that I depended on my parents, where I lived in the world and the time that I grew up in, there were very little resources available to me for research. I would devour any metaphysical material that I could find. I remember visiting my grandmother and finding an encyclopedia that contained a section on psychic studies and phenomena – I would study the pictures and read the text over-and-over again. I also found a book about witches, vampires, and demons at my school library that I studied and found that even though I feared the beings that I was reading about, I wanted to align myself with them because these beings represented me and the potential of me – they were here and they had the ability to change what was here - in-spite of the church, God, and all of the others around me that I saw as having normal, happy lives.

For the next 25 years I continued to expand my understanding of existence – I had my own little library and could give perspective on many topics in regards to New Age material and Spirituality. I have put into practice many of the topics that have been placed beneath the heading of New Age and Spirituality – some of these applications aligned with me and some of them did not – I would let go of what did not work for me and keep what did work for me until I'd essentially created my own religion which was an accumulation of my beliefs and practices that attempted to explain why I am here, allowed for an illusion of control and change, and gave me something to do, distract, and entertain myself with.

Regardless of the amount of information, knowledge, and experience that I had accumulated and integrated, I was never satisfied with what I found and I was always on the look-out for something more or a detail that I may have missed. Which, interestingly enough, is how I found Desteni and where my search for self, understanding, and purpose both ends and begins.



Over the next few weeks, I will be going into more detail and specificity in regards to who I was as a New Age Spiritualist, sharing some perspective and self-forgiveness, and showing what's changed as a result of my participation with Desteni. I may even share a few reeeeeeally creepy Ghost Stories – so stay tuned and let's see what comes up!