Day 237 - The Soul Mate Experience

I have been been one of the fortunate (or unfortunate haha) ones to have had a Soul Mate Experience in my life time.  It's awesome but it's not awesome at the same time which here can be seen the amount of energy that's generated from such an experience.

Let's be honest.

We go through our lives searching, wanting, needing and desiring 'The One'.  Not realizing nor questioning that there are lots of 'One's'.  I will expand on this.  But first, to the beginning of when I met my 'Soul Mate'.

He caught my attention.  There was something about him. The way he looked and the way he carried himself with a level of confidence that had not developed for myself at the time.  Who is this?? I mean, in a sea of fish, of potential, he stood out like this beacon that had me completely intrigued.  

The more I got to know him, the more I became fascinated with him.  To put it into perspective, he could simply be walking towards me with this physical presence that he had and I would experience this weakness ... this 'shut off' where my mind would become completely silent and all that I would see is him. I had a busy mind and for everything to go completely silent and to experience a drop with myself, a grounding plus an intense physical attraction, I knew something was going that I hadn't ever experienced before.

We became friends.  And the more I got to know him the more I saw that what he stood for and what was important to him were exactly what I had wanted for myself.  At the time, I had this idea that people were not meant to be monogamous - we did not have integrity, there was no such thing as commitment, and Forever was a pipe dream - why bother?  At the time, he stood as the point of integrity, commitment and forever in his words, the way he was expressing himself and the thoughts he was sharing with me about the situations in his life.  I began to question my ideas.  Is it really possible to be with just The One?  Combine a strong personality - seriously, no fucks given, this is who he was, with a physical attraction. I was done. 

FYA, I see it:  Physical attraction, physical attraction, physical attraction.

He was the most physically attractive person on this planet to me in every way from his genetic composition to the way he carried and expressed himself - seriously, I was gone.  I have since learned how to not be moved by physical appearance but ... I cannot say that if I went back with my awareness now that I would have changed things in any way.  When it hits you, it hits you hard right? And the rainbows and butterflies cloud our entire perceptions.  He coined this by way and often reminds me to not go into 'rainbows and butterflies' .. it's his. Grateful, keeps me grounded.

I would also like to add a few things about the Soul Mate experience that I had.  First, I literally saw stars - it was this bubble that we were in back then where everything stopped and the Universe said YES - it was beautiful and intense to see reality bending, shaping, glowing and sparkling when we connected and we touched.  Second, he would talk to me when we were miles a part - I could hear him in myself - just like we were standing face-to-face.  And third, we had our own language based on other dialects that we had fleshed out to have a specific meaning - usually with humor and affection.  

We were together for 17 years.  We lived through a lot together.  We raised my daughter and we birthed another one together.

So the question, for me, at this point, is where is my standing on it? How have a grown from this? What have a realized? How do I move myself differently now?

My standing on it is that people come and go from our lives - some longer, some shorter based on what's needed, self-honestly for us to develop and grow in a way a way that we know that we need to that we wouldn't have otherwise been able to do on our own.  

In terms of growth, I have learned the difference between 'ideas' of what a partnership is - we're constantly bombarded with this shit of the way we're supposed to be.  It's everywhere from TV series, news articles, religion, education and all of the other external influences that tell us 'this is how to have a satisfying life'  (or it was back then -- I have been seeing things changing over the past few years). Where what's not considered within this is being aware of what we actually need/want - what's important and what makes us truly satisfied.  

My growth is my self-honesty:  this is what I really need in  a partner - when I was younger, it was harder to discern.  For you young ones, I tooooootallly get it. Haha.

I have realized - Real Eyes'd - that what I am seeing and/or experiencing doesn't have to move me. To make decisions on what I will allow to move me or what I will move myself within.  I take most things into me slow - observe myself, my reactions/responses like an outsider, someone looking in from in a distance and ask myself questions - what's going on here? What is this? Does this work for me? Am I in rainbows and butterflies? Can I grow from this? How does everyone benefit from this? Will I become stronger?

Day 236: Looking In the Mirror

So.  You're a good looking person.  "Nice to the eyes", and all.  You've got charisma in spades and the world is yours for the taking.  What do you do?

You look in the mirror.

I look in the mirror.

And ask, "Am I okay with me?"

Despite whatever hypnotic state I have been with myself based on my physical features, the external feedback that supports my self-hypnosis and my ego conquests I may have attainted.  

Really.  That is the question. Can I live with myself? 

For me, the mirror has become dual purpose - one for having fun with how I look everyday and second, doing a self-check. The most important is my self-check - am I okay with me?

There have been SOOOO many times where I just shake my head in disbelief at what I have done and moved through the consequences of these decisions to the best of my ability.  OMG, the stories I could tell (but I likely won't).

All the while, though, I have my self-honesty and been in a constant state of adjustment. Learning to listen to myself and respond, to the best of my ability at the time.

What it comes down to ... every day. Is the question:  Am I satisfied with myself? Have I lived today with no regrets? If not, how can I make it so I have no regrets tomorrow?  Did I make the best of my time here?  If not, what is it that I can do the next time?

It's an intimate process.

Day 235: Confidence

 Confidence. CONfindence.

This is a word that continually comes up in my life.  This blog is about getting this out of the way.

Yes, it has a positive charge.  I mean, who doesn't want to express of Confidence?

Lemme tell you though.  It was a process to get here.

It started with a massive insecurity - I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm scared, that person is this and I'm this (comparison), and that constant voice in  the back of the mind that instills self-doubt.  You know the voice...

And then there's that moment of realization.  Holy fuck. This is all coming from me.  This is not external at all... and in that moment, everything changes.  You become a God.  And everything and everyone here is a part of your playground.

I Own This.

For me, specifically, comes a curiosity within in it. Because when I let go of myself, my mind, my self-doubts, I have become intensely curious about others.  Who are you? What do you do? What do you need? What do you want? How do you see things? Talk to me...

Here's the con in Confidence.

Who/what I am doesn't matter. It's gone (to a certain extent).  It's all about everything outside of myself. It's I Am Here.  How many people can you count on your hand that are here? Hearing you?

So, yah, it's a small part to stand in but it's mine.

Not giving a fuck in terms of realizing that thoughts are just thoughts but giving a fuck at the same time within realizing that every one and everything is a part of me that I want to know.

And every one person that I have come to hear and take the time to get to know is a part of me.

You want to be Confident? Don't give a fuck about yourself.  Thought are just thoughts.  Be present.  FILL YOUR BODY with you and take it all in, be curious, and give a fuck about others.  

Ask yourself questions.

Which leads me into the next.  

When you look into the mirror are you satisfied with you?

Day 234 - COVID-19 Vaccine

Ahhh. The Covid-19 Vaccine. 

I love conspiracy theories.  LOVE them. Sooo much fun, entertaining and oh so engaging.  I just love chasing those white bunnies down the hole.  It stimulates my mind, keeps me distracted and the most fascinating point of all: it keeps me separated from others within the mind-set that there is someone else out there somewhere that CONTROLS ME, makes decisions for me and boy-oh-boy do they have EVIL INTENTIONS. Hahaha.

So bear with me here. I realized a long time ago that the 'powers that be' are not separate from me in any way.  We're all playing out our minds in the same exact way - for me, specifically, that addiction to control.  And if we're talking about evil.. damn, the shit that has gone through my mind .. evil -- here, insert the blinking eyes and shaking the head at disbelief of what I have become capable of.  A real face-rubber.

We've got to be self-honest here.. if it happened to me having the 'luck' to be born in a 'certain position' would I not be any different?  Self-honestly, not likely.   Even if I had a 'morality system', even if I had been 'raised differently' even if for whatever reason I thought I could make a difference, we're still working with the system here people.  We didn't create it and because of this it's hard to understand sometimes and within this, difficult to come to terms with ... seriously makes no sense. But. We go along with it.  That fear of being tossed out of the pack runs real deep.

Back to The Covid-19 Vaccine.  Here in Maine USA, the governor has said that the front-line health care workers are getting it first. Poor fuckers.  You're the test-cases. You're the monkeys. I feel for you. But.  How long have we been testing this shit on animals without giving a fuck?  Reasoning, it's best for humanity?  Interesting how Karma, for real, works out. You can hate me for saying it - not the first time ... that's the times we're living in where life is at the wheel.  It's actually reeeeally fascinating how life has pretty much bypassed other beings taking our consequence and we're actually going to have to step up.

So let's talk conspiracy theories.  Here we go. Here's the fun part:

"OMG, they're going to chip me -- it's happening!" Haha. Sorry. We're already chipped.  I just find this one so funny because of our cellphones that know everything that we're doing, hearing everything, and literally tracking every where we have ever been.  Google wants us to rate our experience, right?

"OMG they're poisoning us?!?" What. Really? I can personally attest the crap I have put into my body .. all in fun right? My decision.. I did it and still do. Partying, processed food, and bleaching my big white down-alternative comforter.  Not to mention the vaccinations we've already had before we were ever even aware that vaccines may not be the best for us and our bodies.  So what makes it different when someone else is deciding for us?  Do this or be kicked out of the pack? That's where we're going.  What are you actually going to decide when it comes down to it?

"OMG, it's going to change my DNA!" Again. Really. Is our DNA that fucking precious, that golden, that sweet spot in reality? Look at what we have done here.  Are we really 'all that'?  You know we're not. I'm not going to take the next 15 minutes to articulate this because we already know we're assholes. Let's be self-honest: we're afraid of change, afraid of death, afraid of what we don't know.

So this is what I'm seeing.

Let's lean back and see how this goes for the front-line people. Let's support them in anyway that we can. Let's Facebook stalk them and give them hugs and comfort whenever we are given the opportunity to do so.  Gratefulness for taking this on. We're all on the unknown here.  In my life I do not remember a time like we're living now (I'm humping up on 50 years).  Let's embrace this within the realization that we're all each other has - no 'things' or belief is going to save us.  

Myself, I'm just in complete curiosity at this timeline.  Where does it go from here? How can we make the best of what we have been given? What are we going to create? How are things going to change?

[EDIT] For those who have taken the time to read.  I have become Agreeable. Meaning: I have in the past taken the stance of 'I'm right'.  I have seen sooooo many times that I'm not 'right'.  So, I'm curious.  How do you see it?

Day 233 - Say Fuck It

Okay. I have been seeing this blog as a job - as something I must do.  Yet, at the same time, through out my days that I have NOT been writing, I see these really interesting points come up that I'd like to share.  But there's always this point of 'I must direct this in a certain way to show how I'm practically living' or 'this is who I am as a result of me living within certain principles'.  

I get my responsibility within the process of 'who I am within what I'm doing' but fuck.  Where does the 'I have to be a certain thing or a certain way' stop?  Seriously, I'm in the unknown here and sorting things out as I go. I wasn't given an Instruction Manual.  What I have to work with is what I got - what's here. And Self-Forgiveness, correcting my mistakes, and redefining my life, my words as I go.  

I realize this is all self-imposed.  There's really nothing outside of me that's forcing me to do anything.  All me. Really interesting to me how I process and respond to what I have been seeing and hearing externally.

Questioning myself has become me as 'bringing it back to self'. As much as I would like to 'stop it', as much as I would love living life in 'ignorance is bliss' (holy fuck that would be great right?) that's not going to happen - aware of myself in everything here.

So how I have made the best of it? I have fun.  I do.  From cuddling with a four-year old little human to drinking a glass of wine and letting it all spill out to physically expressing myself with nothing and all of me while I listen to music (this kitchen is for dancing) ... I do it.  I've got this one life and I'm so very grateful for mine -- this world sucks and at the same time it's awesome. Giving it to you straight.

Oh. And not giving a fuck 85-90% of the time.  And by not 'giving a fuck', I mean not giving a fuck about what others think of me from the realization that what others think of me is only thoughts and what -I- think of me is me.  So, what comes up in any given moment is me. Makes things a lot easier to not 'give a fuck' in an external way in the life that I have. 

There are some that I do give a fuck about in a very practical way -- my co-workers, the children, and my partner, because I am a part of the whole.  As far as thoughts though.. not my gig.  And I see the consequence of us having thoughts/fears/judgments of each other and the consequences of this which suck and I can't say 'no thanks' because then it would be me separating me from everyone.. also not my gig.  So here we are.. 

What to do with this blog...

Say fuck it.  Going to make this Fun and see what happens.

Day 232: Free Choice

"I forgive myself that I failed to see that free choice in fact are the test of my character to see what I will choose and whether I will use the excuse of giving others the responsibility to forgive me and in this way remain in my self interest as I am through my own allowances not responsible or able to forgive myself and stop what I participate in to redirect myself to that which would be best for all life."  Creations Journey To Life - Day 1: Self-Forgiveness

Okay, so here sharing where I am at within myself, and my mind in relation to my lack of participation in the blogging and the sharing responsibility part of my process.  I have made commitments to myself to share myself and my process in my blog, specifically, and have not lived up to those commitments.  Why? Free choice.

A large part of my day is me working. I work from home online and am grateful for this - I usually don't have to do the rushing balancing act that most parents have to do, I am available to my family and friends for whatever they need and when they need it, and I get to work in my yoga pants. 

It's great though it is a double-edged sword.  It's not something that I see as an 'easy' job nor a job that I usually experience a satisfaction of my passions within it.  And it's usually busy. 

At the end of the day I often have the experience of being burned-out and mentally melted.  From here, I make dinner for the kids, clean up, read, study, write, maybe watch some TV, see what everyone is up to on Facebook on my phone and chat with friends for a bit before bed. 

The last thing I want to be doing when I am not working is doing anything on my computer.  I realize that I have come to connect my computer and doing things on my computer (like blogging) to the negative, often times stressful experiences that I have had at work.

I also see and am aware of how I have created a relationship of 'this is something I have to do' - more work, more responsibility.  Self-honestly, I know that I have dropped the ball here and have been going into things that I find more enjoyable and fun.  Justifying my decisions by exercising my power of 'free choice'.   And even further, having have the ability to justify or explain my choice as a Destonian walking my process:  But ... but, I have redefined FUN and ENJOYMENT and that's what I'm working on living right now ...

I know what I've been doing, not doing and why.  And it has come to the time where I'm currently standing at the 'y' in the road - do I do this or not? Will I be okay with myself if I don't?

No, I will not be okay with myself if I don't and a really don't want to live with the regret of not doing something that I could have done because I chose to go into self-interest or what 'felt better' instead.

Looking back at where I started and where I have come to be now - one thing I have become for sure is standing as point of Change.  Every day has been a process of facing the things that are uncomfortable for me and forging forward - observing, writing, understanding, self-forgiving, testing, living a 'different way', sharing and supporting with how to change in real-time, here, in what I consider to be the 'real world' in 'real moments' and with 'real people' that I come in 'real physical contact' with.

Desteni is the why and how I have become who and what I am now.  Not even close to being who I was 8-9 years ago when I started walking with this group of people.

I know that most of us, including myself, use these blogs for understanding and support, to break out of perceptions and patterns, to become better and to live or start living our potential.  It's time for me to step up, do the same, and give what I have been given.

Day 231: Secrecy, Hiding and Redefining My Blog

It has been almost 3 years since my last sharing of my self in a blog.  Within that 3-year time, I have separated from a relationship, reconciled, separated again, started a 'new' relationship, divorced, and then recently broken off the 'new' relationship.  I bring up the relationship points first as those are the one's that I have found have had the most profound impact on my process of self-awareness and my relationship with myself.  I have died a few times ... I have lost or let go of parts of myself that have been creating delusion and illusion.  It has been a painful process of releasing my self-definitions, the personalities that I had created while in the relationships, and adjusting to the quiet and empty spaces that were once occupied by someone else that is no longer with me.

An in-common point that has continued to come up in my relationships has been betrayal of trust, secrecy, hiding, and keeping things personal.  When bringing this back to myself, I saw how I had been doing the exact same thing - keeping my process personal, not wanting to share the details of my life, having the idea that I shouldn't have to and that it's my life, my business.  And there were the fears that came up as well ... the fear of judgement and how I had been allowing the perceptions, opinions, and ideas about me to hold myself back from communicating myself, my life and my decisions.  Within this as well, my own judgments of others, my perceptions, my opinions, my energetic reactions, my backchat, my justifications, and how I change the way I move myself when deciding to separate myself from others.

To put things into perspective, I have several years of notebooks that contain my writing, my research of self-understanding, my self-forgiveness, my self-correction, and my redefining.  Over the past 3 years specifically, I have reasoned to myself that my hand-writing in my notebooks has been a more intimate process with my self-communication ...  keeping it personal with myself and only sharing from time-to-time when the opportunities to share or support come up.  It has also been convenient for me - I keep a notebook with me to jot down points and to write in before I go to bed at night.  It is has been my 'comfort zone' - I come from a generation in the education system where most everything was done in hand-writing and final drafts were submitted in type. 

Years of notebooks full of my personal process of self-awareness and self-perfecting

When exploring the common point of secrecy, hiding, and keeping things personal or 'none of other's business' that continues to come up in my relationships, what immediately came up for me is that I haven't been sharing myself, my writing, my realizations, my process, and the details of my life in blog or with most everyone, really.  I have mostly been communicating with myself, whomever I am in a relationship with, or a select few people in my circle of family of friends - and even then I have only been sharing bits and pieces.  It became clear that sharing myself intimately, here, in my blog, is one way for me to step out of the secrets, hiding, and keeping this personal that continues to come up.  Be the change that I want to see.

From here, I commit myself to sharing myself here on my blog with others.  I commit myself to sharing myself openly, genuinely, intimately, and to work on / work through the points of judgment that come up rather than allowing them to hold me back from communicating.

My Blog = B - Log, Be Log.
My Be Log = A place to share and LOG/document MY self, my writing, MY self-forgiveness, MY realizations, MY life, MY problems and MY solutions that I walk/work-on/move-through as me BEing here.