Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Day 224: Not So Obvious (To Me Anyway)

I have been angry with myself for allowing myself to live the way I have for the past 16 years - and doing nothing about it. Always threatening to do something about my situation but never actually going through with it - and because of this, angry at myself for prolonging the inevitable with my hopes and begging an external source for things to change.  Looking back, I have been miserable, however, I have overlooked this and instead used and held onto those rare and few moments where everything was okay and sometimes good.

I see that I was afraid that I would regret making a change.  In my mind I have been thinking, "Well, what if this gets better? What if things can be more good than miserable? What if I change what I am doing here to get me my desired result?"  I'm seeing more and more how the WHAT-IF question as been my downfall and leads me down so many roads that aren't best for me or anyone else.

And then there are the beliefs like, "I need to give this a chance to get better.  I need to be stronger. I need to make myself happy or at the very least, make myself appear happy.  I need to make myself better and good enough to be worthy of what it is that I would like to accomplish."

What tends to happen with me when I have seen myself working on something and have not seen results is that I have become frustrated and angry.  Then, I have been projecting this anger, frustration, and other emotions and blaming external sources to the point of acting it out with words and having temper tantrums - which have been the behavioral patterns of 'snapping', becoming physically erratic, throwing my arms up, pointing fingers, becoming very intense, yelling, and sometimes screaming - and have continually come up for me overtime with no change.

So, I wonder. What is it that I'm actually angry about?  Yes, the obvious point that I'm pissed off at myself for putting off something that happened regardless.  And the not-so-obvious point (to me anyway) that I have been angry at myself for not changing how I respond to the way that I am living.

Something I noticed today is the voice inside of me that is resentful - resentful that I have been stuck in all this and that I have no freedom to do and make changes as I like - and within this, perceiving that others have the freedom to do and make changes as they would like in self-interest, regardless of what actually needs to be done.  I have been in this perceived stuckness and comparing myself to others and seeing in my mind that they are so lucky, so much better off than me and the backchat, "Must be nice ..."  And oh man, in this, I have actually physically burned with anger, rage and hatred.

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