Day 221: My God ... these lies

The extent of the lying that I have been faced with over the past weeks has blown me out of the water.  In my mind, I can't even process it.  I don't have the words ... alls I can say is, 'my god .. oh my fucking god..' I mean, I -really- have not liked taking this point on at all. And I get so angry and have just really wanted to project that anger and blame onto someone else.  In awareness, though, I'm here reminding myself of the truth of myself.  Face it Carrie. You have been a liar.

In the past, I have said whatever I have to say in order to not be found out. I have been spinning stories, embellishing, twisting facts, and intentionally withholding information - all of this to save myself, to safe face, or to keep things from changing in a way that I would not like.  I have seen my lies as worse than any that have been told to me.  And it hasn't been just 'then' ... the temptation to lie comes up - it's like, right there, alls I have to do is follow the words - follow the story that I have previously concocted in my mind during imaginary roleplaying.

Predominately, I have found ... and here's the kicker ... that I dislike holding onto secrets.  I want to just spill it, be done with it, and move on.  However, reality has shown that this can be damaging - to oneself and others.  A predicament.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shock when I have been faced with lies - as if it's the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted myself to see lies as something that are happening to me instead of seeing that lying is actually something I have done quite often - it is not something that happens to me, it exists within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see my inability to handle the truth of myself in the very way that my mind cannot accept or come to terms with lies.  I have not noticed how I have been shutting down self-awareness.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to utilize anger as a red-flag for when I'm not being self-honest and have been instead automatically projecting it onto others as something they are doing wrong.  And within this, not seeing, realizing, or allowing myself to get into understanding the belief system that I've created about what I'm hearing/seeing as 'wrong'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as doing wrong things and within this, to threaten myself with imaginations of what would happen if  'anyone finds out'.  Instead of coming clean with myself, letting go, and seeing that I made a mistake that would best not be repeated, I have been holding on to these things and torturing myself with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my internal information - and the things that go in in my secret mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see that 'spilling my secrets' clear me of responsibility because I 'told the truth' and thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this idea that if I tell everything that  have done and talk about the secret life I have created for myself in mind, that I am absolved of consequence.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see my desire/impulse to externalize my confessions instead of confessing to myself with self-forgiveness - and I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be SELF-HONEST instead of HONEST.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ask myself, "Who am I within the lies and who would I like to be - what is best for me to be?"

I started writing this blog a couple of weeks ago and it looks 'light' to me.  Like, the self-forgiveness here doesn't even begin to cut into the anger and hurt that I am experiencing due to being repeatedly and intensely lied to over the past two months and beyond that ... the drawn out lies through the years.