I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become obsessed with my partner because I was attracted to them, I went weak when they were around, my heart fluttered thinking about them, and there was something about them, both definable and undefinable, that I wanted for myself and myself to become.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire and/or see that it was required for myself to change myself if I were to ever find and keep love. I did not and have not seen that within my desire to change to please someone else, that I did not/do not see myself as 'good enough' for love and to be loved nor did I not see that by my seeing myself as required to change that I have not, do not, and never have accepted myself as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change myself as my personality for others - over and over and time and time again. I have not seen nor realized the extent of which I have adopted and become personalities to suit each relationship that I have been afraid to lose.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell others that they must change for me to be happy. I have not been aware that my expecting others to change for me and my happiness was indicating to me that I was changing for that which I perceived would make others happy, like me, and want to be around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look outside of myself, within and toward others to make me 'happy'. I have been aware for some time now that happiness is not real as I have defined it to be as myself smiling, laughing, and enjoying the companionship of others - it is not real because it does not last. When the moment is gone, life returns and within me is sorrow, distress, and worry. And from this sorrow, distress, and worry, I look to others to assist me in feeling better and getting me out of my 'slump'. By allowing for a happiness high to exist within me as I participate with others, I am also allowing sadness to exist by my non-participation and/or negative experiences with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate the feeling of 'happiness' with the feeling of 'love' where I 'love' those that make me 'happy' by saving me from myself within sorrow and sadness. Within this kind of love as it exists within me, I have become a leach off of others and dependent on the energy high that I get from them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to war with those that I say and express love for/to where when I am happy, smiling, content, and joyful to be with them because I feel 'good' from their attention, all is well - they are behaving in the precise way that I have defined they should be behaving within myself as my mind as imaginations and fantasies. The war begins when the one that I 'love' is no longer giving me what I want and is not behaving in a way that I see serves me and so I fight them, threaten them, and put fear into them to change and be the person that I need them to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ANY and ALL weapons that I have as memories, experiences, blames, lies, manipulation, and the threat of loss to win the war.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to battle with others who I perceive are not giving me the attention, appreciation, and admiration that I see myself as deserving. Within this battle, one person must admit to the other that one is better, doing more, and more deserving of their self-interests than the other. As a combatant, I do not back down and I do not give up until I have either won and received my admiration and recognition as I see it as my right or until it has been demonstrated that the other is stronger, better, and more deserving than myself and thus I become a loser. I have not allowed myself to see the pain and damage as a result of these battles until it is too late as one of us is always feeling awful while the other revels in a brief moment of righteousness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to war with others while my children are watching, listening, observing then seeing the result of pain, suffering, words not spoken, and distrust. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell my children: Do not worry. It's going to all work out. We are just fighting ... it's normal, it's okay, and someday you will understand when you are in a relationship. -- Within this, I have not seen how I have been programming and teaching my children to go to war and that it's normal, perfectly okay, and can be expected when things aren't going how we would like them to.
When and as I see myself within my mind as wanting and/or being required to change to get and/or maintain an energy high as happiness from another, I stop. I breath. I re-direct myself back to myself and I stabilize myself. I realize that for myself to accept myself that I must be comfortable with myself. I see that changing myself is not going to assist me in finding a comfortableness with myself and so I remain as I am. I commit myself to self-forgiving myself for that which I see requires to be changed to appease another by bringing that which I perceive as anothers desires back to myself.
When and as I see myself desiring, wanting, wishing, and/or requiring for another change to make me more comfortable, at ease, and/or happy, I stop. I breath. I bring the point that I am desiring, wanting, and wishing for myself back to myself and I self-forgive. I realize that I am using others to assist me in feeling better about myself, my behaviors, and my self-created personalities so that I can continue to feed off of an energy high. I see that existing within this energy high is always followed by an energy low and thus will never be satisfied. Within this seeing and realizing, I have become aware that I am best when I am stable and so I commit myself to remaining stable within re-direction, writing, self-forgiveness and BREATHING.
I commit myself to stopping The War by not participating in The War. I commit myself to stop myself from engaging in battle with others.
I commit myself to never allow myself again to show and tell my children that it is 'okay' and 'normal' to fight and/or cause pain for/in another or ourselves because it helps us feel better.
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