On Saturday, I began writing in this blog about a point that came up within myself as participating in competition and game play. From Saturday until tonight, a Monday, I have been writing self-forgiveness in any time that I have to spare - several hours. For tonight, after my son went to bed, I planned on coming to the computer and writing self-corrective statements. This did not happen. When my partner and I got my son pretty much settled for the night, enough so that I could divide my time between writing and getting my son to sleep, I came out to the computer, loaded the draft of my blog and found that over 3/4 of the work I had done was gone.
Gone.
Throughout the day, I shared the computer with my son and had left my Blogger window open. Blogger autosaves any changes. It appeared as though my son had erased my blog, unaware, and Blogger autosaved the deletions.
I lost it all. I almost cried and I wanted to cry - I cannot cry like I used to. The sensation of crying stops within me before any tears can come out.
I wanted to give up. I was in despair ... and I still am. Am I really, practically able to do this blog as equal to others who are sharing their blogs? I am at work for approximately 50 hours per week, I have a home that needs to be cleaned every day, a son that requires for me to participate with him in almost every moment, and a husband that takes what he can get from me. How the heck am I going to walk my self-commitment to share myself within writing self-forgiveness and self-correction in a practical, equal way?
What I saw of myself within my process of writing self-forgiveness between working, being with my family, and working on my share of the housework/cooking, is that I get extremely agitated when I have stop myself from writing and move on to my other commitments and responsibilities. For one, I do not see myself as doing my sharing as equally to others, as I've mentioned. Another, I see that when I am within the process of writing self-forgiveness that allow myself to become completely possessed by a point as agitation, frustration, guilt, and anger with myself and I use those emotions and experiences to dig away at myself until I am completely empty of them for the moment. My relief does not come until I am completely empty and can begin self-corrective statements. So, within my directing myself to equalize my time between my DIP assignments, my Journey To Life blogs, work, family, and home-life, the way in which I see myself as doing self-forgiveness - a process that can take an entire day for me - and spreading it out equally over days, is not working for me in how I approach my process of cleansing myself.
In my next blog I will look at myself within accepted and allowing myself to become possessed by a point.
When and as I see something outside of myself as being 'special' or 'important' to me, I stop. I breath. I realize that by accepting and allowing something/someone outside of myself to be 'more special' or 'more important' than another, that I am setting myself up to escape and/or fail in that by agreeing to the terms of a relationship, means that I can 'relate' to something/someone outside of myself and within that relating, I have 'favorites' as well as places from/on which to leave my blame and then feel bad about leaving my blame on my 'favorite'. Within this realization of myself and the reasons why I establish/create/connect myself within relationships, I commit myself to looking at my relationships and myself within relationships as the points surface. I commit myself to exposing my relationships and how they exist within/as/for/from myself as my mind. When and as I see a relationship come up with inside myself as my mind as indicated by my playing 'favorites' and seeing someone or something outside of myself as special/important/different from others but LIKE ME, I stop. I breath, I slow myself down and investigate myself within and as that which I am placing so much specialness and importance and WHY?
When and as I see that I have become lost as I have lost, I stop, I breath. When I am here, equal to myself as myself, as my mind, and as my physical body within and as loss and see that I am required to cry to release pain, I allow myself to cry. When and as I see myself as wanting to cry because I have allowed myself to see myself within pity from within myself as my mind, I stop. I breath. I realize that seeing myself as and becoming pitiful within and as myself as my mind and thus within myself as my body's reactions is myself as my mind manipulating for control over myself, my physical body, and others outside of myself so that I am able to continue within the polarity of 'feeling bad' then using others and/or my body to 'feel better'. I commit myself to breathing as my loss as equal to all parts of myself and within that, identifying and removing the polarity points that surface when I am within myself as my mind and not within myself as equal to all of myself as myself, myself as my mind, and myself as my physical body.
When and as I see myself as relatable to/for/as others within myself as pictures, memories, thoughts, and/or scenerios within and as my mind, I stop. I breath. I bring myself back to here and direct myself to removing the relationships that I have created/manipulated myself and others outside of myself with - I remove these relationships by writing and speaking self-forgiveness and self-correction. I see that these relationships are how I manipulate myself and others outside of myself to trust fantasy and illusion because it 'feels better' and safer than reality. I commit myself to stop myself from creating/manipulating/establishing within myself as my mind, new relationships and/or new relationships within participating with my mind as imagination and/or fantasy.
When and as I see myself blaming others outside of myself for my seeing myself as unable to do what must be done, I stop. I breath. I bring the blame back to myself. I investigate my back-chat that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as. I self-forgive my back-chat until I understand and am within agreement with myself as myself as equal to myself - I self-forgive until I find the source point that I did not want to see myself as responsible for. I commit myself to stop myself when within blame and/or anger by breathing and saying self-forgiveness in/as the moment in which I become aware that I have allowed the blame and anger.
Gone.
Throughout the day, I shared the computer with my son and had left my Blogger window open. Blogger autosaves any changes. It appeared as though my son had erased my blog, unaware, and Blogger autosaved the deletions.
I lost it all. I almost cried and I wanted to cry - I cannot cry like I used to. The sensation of crying stops within me before any tears can come out.
I wanted to give up. I was in despair ... and I still am. Am I really, practically able to do this blog as equal to others who are sharing their blogs? I am at work for approximately 50 hours per week, I have a home that needs to be cleaned every day, a son that requires for me to participate with him in almost every moment, and a husband that takes what he can get from me. How the heck am I going to walk my self-commitment to share myself within writing self-forgiveness and self-correction in a practical, equal way?
What I saw of myself within my process of writing self-forgiveness between working, being with my family, and working on my share of the housework/cooking, is that I get extremely agitated when I have stop myself from writing and move on to my other commitments and responsibilities. For one, I do not see myself as doing my sharing as equally to others, as I've mentioned. Another, I see that when I am within the process of writing self-forgiveness that allow myself to become completely possessed by a point as agitation, frustration, guilt, and anger with myself and I use those emotions and experiences to dig away at myself until I am completely empty of them for the moment. My relief does not come until I am completely empty and can begin self-corrective statements. So, within my directing myself to equalize my time between my DIP assignments, my Journey To Life blogs, work, family, and home-life, the way in which I see myself as doing self-forgiveness - a process that can take an entire day for me - and spreading it out equally over days, is not working for me in how I approach my process of cleansing myself.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust that something that I have created and/or established a connection/relationship as important, will always be here.
- I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my assignments, this blog, and all other things that I claim are 'important' to me in that I have not taken proper care within awareness that if I do not take care of my responsibilities that I will lose them.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel 'bad' for myself and pity myself within my loss of work that cannot be recovered.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disparity and loss within and as my physical body as aching, burning in my face, lostness, sadness, slumping over, closing my eyes, opening my eyes half-way, and rubbing my face in response to myself as my mind's reaction to losing something that I have created a relationship of importance to and lost.
- I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the proof of what I am told and that I have seen in myself and in others outside of myself as 'we lose everything that is important and/or special to us so best to give up that which is important and special now - we're going to lose it anyway.'
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself, my ability, and that which I share with others within the process of self-forgiveness and without, as not being and/or not giving enough.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within and as my mind to see others telling me, "Oh, that's okay Carrie. You can only give what you can give. We expect nothing more from you. We understand your situation."
- I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that this seeing others outside of myself as kind, empathetic beings that understand me, is a door that I keep open within and as myself as my mind, in case I am able to convince myself that what I have to give is not 'enough' and then gracefully walk out the door and escape back to my previous pattern/ritual of writing self-forgiveness when I wanted to, when I got the 'urge' or when I cornered myself. I am aware that this pattern/ritual of writing within my self-interest is not even close to being as effective as my commitment to push myself to write and share my processing, day-by-day, point by point, as a Journey To Life blog. And yet, I still allow myself to entertain and participate with myself as my mind within a thought that I -could- go back to the way I was doing things, if I wanted/chose to do so.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my required hours at work, my home, and the beings within my home for myself seeing myself as slowed down by my accepted, allowed, and embraced choices/decisions that have left me with the consequences that I must 'live through'.
- I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I am angry at myself for the choices and/or decisions that I made and/or directed myself within as my mind prior to my process of self-forgiveness and self-correction.
- I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that my process of self-forgiveness, the thing that I hold as more important to anyone, anything, and as myself, is here and available to me so that I may take responsibility and stop blaming everyone and everything outside of myself as being 'the reason/the problem'. So within my process of taking on responsibility for myself, I am also avoiding responsibility within and as my commitments so that I can participate within the process of taking responsibility for myself. I have not allowed myself to stop and see myself within this pattern where I am not 'walking the talk'.
- I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I can take any point that which I have created a relationship to/with as my mind, and turn it around to use against my self so that I do not equalize myself.
- I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the extent of the back-doors that I have created within and as myself as my mind by creating and manipulating myself within and as 'special' relationships.
In my next blog I will look at myself within accepted and allowing myself to become possessed by a point.
When and as I see something outside of myself as being 'special' or 'important' to me, I stop. I breath. I realize that by accepting and allowing something/someone outside of myself to be 'more special' or 'more important' than another, that I am setting myself up to escape and/or fail in that by agreeing to the terms of a relationship, means that I can 'relate' to something/someone outside of myself and within that relating, I have 'favorites' as well as places from/on which to leave my blame and then feel bad about leaving my blame on my 'favorite'. Within this realization of myself and the reasons why I establish/create/connect myself within relationships, I commit myself to looking at my relationships and myself within relationships as the points surface. I commit myself to exposing my relationships and how they exist within/as/for/from myself as my mind. When and as I see a relationship come up with inside myself as my mind as indicated by my playing 'favorites' and seeing someone or something outside of myself as special/important/different from others but LIKE ME, I stop. I breath, I slow myself down and investigate myself within and as that which I am placing so much specialness and importance and WHY?
When and as I see that I have become lost as I have lost, I stop, I breath. When I am here, equal to myself as myself, as my mind, and as my physical body within and as loss and see that I am required to cry to release pain, I allow myself to cry. When and as I see myself as wanting to cry because I have allowed myself to see myself within pity from within myself as my mind, I stop. I breath. I realize that seeing myself as and becoming pitiful within and as myself as my mind and thus within myself as my body's reactions is myself as my mind manipulating for control over myself, my physical body, and others outside of myself so that I am able to continue within the polarity of 'feeling bad' then using others and/or my body to 'feel better'. I commit myself to breathing as my loss as equal to all parts of myself and within that, identifying and removing the polarity points that surface when I am within myself as my mind and not within myself as equal to all of myself as myself, myself as my mind, and myself as my physical body.
When and as I see myself as relatable to/for/as others within myself as pictures, memories, thoughts, and/or scenerios within and as my mind, I stop. I breath. I bring myself back to here and direct myself to removing the relationships that I have created/manipulated myself and others outside of myself with - I remove these relationships by writing and speaking self-forgiveness and self-correction. I see that these relationships are how I manipulate myself and others outside of myself to trust fantasy and illusion because it 'feels better' and safer than reality. I commit myself to stop myself from creating/manipulating/establishing within myself as my mind, new relationships and/or new relationships within participating with my mind as imagination and/or fantasy.
When and as I see myself blaming others outside of myself for my seeing myself as unable to do what must be done, I stop. I breath. I bring the blame back to myself. I investigate my back-chat that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as. I self-forgive my back-chat until I understand and am within agreement with myself as myself as equal to myself - I self-forgive until I find the source point that I did not want to see myself as responsible for. I commit myself to stop myself when within blame and/or anger by breathing and saying self-forgiveness in/as the moment in which I become aware that I have allowed the blame and anger.
Thanks for sharing Carrie. I'm reading self-honesty here. And, that's what's important. Breathe and be gentle with yourself.
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